It's Just Us [🗸]

our avoidance

don't have much to say :') just appreciate u all being here and i'm sending a hello your way bc u deserve it <3

hi

***

JAMES

I have a problem. 

The type of problem consisting of me avoiding anything in my life that strays from the script, strays from the plan. Anything that makes me question everything that I can't explain, can't put to words.

Like the kiss.

I make my way into the first class of the day, sliding into one of the front rows instead of the middle row that Will and I normally sit at. My eyes stay on my desk, fingers tapping rapidly, and it's all I can do to ignore the guilt that's clawing at my chest. 

Will bursts through the room, throwing a glance my way before making his way to the middle row, not sending another glance in my direction. The guilt claws harder.

So, I might've avoided his text messages.

I want to slap the shit out of myself, but the nerves are the only thing still keeping me away. I resist the urge to whip around, but I can feel his gaze burning into the back of my head.

When he texted me, I had no idea what to say, and my nerves were already out of control, so I never ended up replying, just staring at my phone like an idiot.

So, needless to say, Will isn't glancing my way, frustration curling up his features, lips pulled downwards. And fuck, I hate myself for it. But at this moment, I don't even know how to start explaining everything to him.

Shit happens when you kiss your best friend. Your utterly pansexual best friend who fucks around with your feelings and your heart in the best way possible. Whose lips felt euphoric against yours. 

Who you've known for a decade and some.

Fourteen fucking years. What exactly is going to happen to fourteen years of friendship? 

Fourteen years of hiding underneath the blankets and talking each other to sleep, the glows of flashlights illuminating the room. Fourteen years of wrestling and teasing and pissing each other off. Fourteen years of playing sports and making plans and exchanging grins.

Fourteen years of everything.

Fourteen years that could be fucked up in minutes. Fourteen years that I don't want to lose. But every decision I make tends to be a shit one, and it's far too difficult to hold myself together when everything in me just wants to fall apart.

So, I will my gaze away from Will and do all that I can to listen to Mr. Walker's long ass lecture, hoping that I can calm my thrumming heart and the guilt plaguing my insides.

***

Lunch. 

The cafeteria looks like a war zone, as usual. But now, more than ever, the chaos keeps me out of the space.