Ever Changing

05

        Jackson's arms are still around Mark, keeping him close and warm and they've been at that for around ten minutes already. No words have been uttered, the silence embracing them as tightly as each other's arms. Jackson's head makes a tornado, hurricane, typhoon and earthquake partying together look like a kid's game. Confused doesn't begin to describe what he's feeling because he's far past that stage. He was confused when Mark kissed him, shocked when he himself kissed the older back.

Now he's just a mess.

Because he can't begin to sort out his thoughts or feelings, Jackson just holds on to Mark. Although slim and maybe too boney, Mark is warm and comfortable against Jackson's body. The younger has always been more resentful towards Mark because their height difference but in this moment he can't find in him the will to care because they just fit so well. It's like that difference was carefully created for this moment, so hugging each other, hiding their faces in the other's neck could feel so natural and perfect.

And now Jackson is being sappy.

However, he can't his thoughts and how his body reacts to Mark's proximity. If Jackson is being honest, there's always been a strong response to Mark's touch. The only difference is that in the past that reaction was negative and Jackson just assumed it was rejection to being near the older. Now the feeling is quite different because the younger wants nothing more than staying like this.

About Mark, it's always been different. The electricity was always there, leaving him on his toes, raging. After every broadcast where they had to act all mushy, Jackson could still feel Mark's touch ghosting over his skin for hours later. That was why he was so annoyed once they were done, because he could still feel Mark's long and boney fingers on his arm, or the nape of his neck.

Jackson remembers the time when the touch stopped leaving him annoyed and disgusted, and it started to make him confused, hyperaware. It was actually, really recently.

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After realising how big of a dick Jackson had been, he kept himself as far away from Mark as possible. Being in his proximity made him feel like he had to apologise —he actually had— but he was unable to utter the words, which made him feel even shittier, which made him grumpy and annoyed with himself. It was all like a domino effect, so the only way to stop the cause-effect situation was avoiding the cause of his struggles: Mark.

But that was easier said than done because they roomed together and where in the same group and they were still encouraged to interact and promote the Markson ship. Yes, it was totally difficult to avoid Mark but Jackson tried damn hard.

Instead of snarky comments or deadly glares after a broadcast or any public appearance, Jackson just squirmed away and put all the other five members between them as a protective shield. He spent even more time with BamBam, babying him and going out to eat and such, being so open about the brotherly relationship because the Thai boy could make Jackson feel less shitty about himself and have a good time. BamBam could actually keep up with him or even exhaust Jackson by the end of the day, which was great because when he was able to go to bed, he could just fall asleep and ignore the other member in the room.

Jackson also started to take on more schedules. Anything to keep him busy, as if their new oncoming comeback wasn't enough to exhaust him.

Most definitely, Jackson was pushing himself to the limit which was so hypocritical of him who insisted so much on everyone else looking after their health. In Jackson's defence, he was looking after his mental health.

Regardless of his packed agenda with schedules in both China and Korea, he still had to be in the same room as Mark, interact with him and act like everything was the same.