The next day the morning is bright, sunshine beating down and slithering through the crack in the curtains so that Isaac is forced to wake up early. He knows what he should do today, knows that he would much rather do it alone, but he has a feeling Liam is going to ask to tag along anyway. Isaac needs to come up with a reason that won't work, some reason to tell Liam not to come with him without hurting his feelings. Isaac hasn't quite come up with that part of the plan yet but he's sure he'll figure it out.
Unsurprisingly Liam is already awake and dressed when Isaac finally decides to get up and he looks at Isaac with a big smile on his face.
"What do you wanna do today?" Liam asks.
"Uhm... I actually have a couple of errands I need to run. Do you think you can entertain yourself for a while?"
Isaac hates the way he has phrased it, as if Liam is a small child that he's babysitting but the words are already out in the open and so there's no turning back rephrasing it now.
"Oh.. yeah of course, are you sure you don't need help with whatever you're doing?"
"Yeah I'll be fine, it's the kind of thing I'm better off doing alone anyway."
"If you're sure," Liam says.
"I am."
Isaac can tell that Liam is confused but he refuses to dwell on it. Instead he pulls on clean(ish) clothes and heads out of the hostel before Liam has a chance to ask more questions, and before Isaac starts to get cold feet.
The graveyard is never exactly a welcoming looking place but at least in the sunlight it looks somewhat approachable. Isaac forces himself to put one foot in front of the other and not think about it too hard, he hasn't been here in years, can count the number of times he's visited on a single hand, but his feet still know where to take him and he barely has to think about where he's going.
Gideon's name is still clear as day even though the grave itself has started to become overgrown, Isaac supposes that's what happens when there's no one there to take care of it. Not for the first time Isaac resents his parents a little for never allowing him to come back to visit. He understands the need to move away, for a fresh start. He just wishes it hadn't meant leaving Gideon behind completely. His therapist used to tell him that grief was an unusual thing, and that everyone responds differently. But Isaac never quite understood how his parents' grief manifested, when it became that Gideon's name along was some kind of taboo word never to be spoken again.
Isaac gets down on his knees and begins digging out the weeds, they're luckily not too spiky but Isaac isn't sure he'd notice anyway, he's too focused on clearing the ground, on making sure anyone who passes can read Gideon's tombstone. His eyes are blurring, tears coming thick and fast, and he realises his movements are frantic, like he's a man possessed.
He stops, pulls back, stares at the tombstone.
"I'm so sorry Gid," Isaac whispers, "I'm so sorry we left you here."
Isaac knows they couldn't have exactly brought Gideon with them, he was already six feet underground when his parents announced they were moving. But Isaac still feels guilty they left him behind, for his grave to grow so wild. Isaac still thinks of him nearly everyday, and he's sure his parents must too, but never coming back to his grave somehow feels like some major betrayal. Something that Isaac doesn't feel like should ever be able to forgive himself for.
He tries to brush away the tears, but they're coming so fast and it's far too late to start trying so he just bows his head and lets them fall. Shoulders shaking, stomach so unsteady that he wonders if he'll ever recover.
"I'm so sorry Gid," he keeps repeating, over and over again.
"Isaac." Isaac hears a voice say quietly. For a second he wonders if ghosts could possibly be real, if this is somehow Gideon speaking to him beyond the grave, returned to tell Isaac what a shit brother he's been for the past few years.
"Isaac" the voice says again.
Isaac recognises its familiarity and turns to see Liam.
"What are you doing here?"
"I went for a walk and uh, happened to pass by. You looked like you could need some company."
"I asked you to let me do this on my own," Isaac says.
"You don't look like you should be doing this on your own."
"How do you know what I should be doing."
"Isaac I'm just trying to help."
"I don't need your help."
"Fine," Liam says. Then, after a brief pause, "but I'm going to just sit down here next to you while I wait. Just you know, in case you need a friend."
Isaac finds himself consumed by the urge to lash out at Liam but he knows that that's not really what he wants to do. He feels so vulnerable now, and he hates that Liam is here to see it. Isaac has kept his past and his present so separate, up until now. He notices the moment Liam realises what grave he's at, when Liam clears his throat uncomfortably and rests a gentle hand on Isaac's arm.
"Please don't say anything Liam," Isaac begs.
"Of course."
Isaac continues tearing at the overgrowth, pulling out weed after weed and before long Liam starts to join him. The two of them working together until the grave is pretty much cleared. Isaac still feels like he should have brought flowers or something to decorate the grave with, but he supposes that something is better than nothing.
"Are you okay?" Liam asks.
He must know that the answer is no, Isaac can feel the sobs wracking his body, he is overwhelmed with all the emotions returning. He wishes Liam wasn't here to see him like this.
Liam doesn't wait for Isaac to answer, which is lucky as Isaac doesn't think he could. And simply pulls Isaac in close and wraps his arm around him. He doesn't say anything else, just holds Isaac tight and rubs comforting circle into his back.
"Thanks," Isaac manages to choke out eventually.
"You have no need to thank me Isaac. I'm just being a friend."
"I told you not to come."
"It's just a happy coincidence Isaac, but you shouldn't have to come here on your own."
"I didn't want you to see me crying."
"Isaac I've seen you cry before, I think I can handle it."
Somehow Isaac finds a smile gracing his face, his head pressed into Liam's chest, sobs slowly quieting and his shoulders beginning to still. Slowly, slowly, he pulls away from Liam.
"Oh no," Isaac says, "I might have ruined your shirt."
"I think this is a shirt I don't mind being ruined."
Liam shoots Isaac a nervous smile, and Isaac is relieved to find that he is as lost at how to handle this situation as Isaac is.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Liam asks.
"We can if you want to."
"I don't care what I want to do, I'm asking you what you want."
"I'm not sure," Isaac says quietly.
"That's okay too."
Liam pulls Isaac back to him, wraps his arm back around and just holds him tight.
"We can just stay like this for a while," Liam says, "and then we can decide what we're going to do next."
"Flowers."
"What?"
"I should have brought flowers."
"We'll buy some before we leave, I promise."
"Thank you Liam."
"Nothing to thank me for."
Isaac sinks into the comforting feeling of Liam's fingers tracing shapes onto his back, it helps him to slow down his breathing, get his emotions under some semblance of control. He wishes he could stay wrapped up in Liam forever, nestled into his chest until the end of time.
"Thank you," Isaac mutters again.
"You need to stop saying thank you Isaac, this is honestly what friends are for. You were there for me with my dad remember, and I'm here for you now."
"He was my brother," Isaac says.
Liam doesn't want to say he'd already figured that out, but Isaac knows he must have done as the dates on the tombstone makes it relatively easy to figure out.
"Do you miss him?" Liam asks instead.
"So much, he was 6 years older than me but we were still pretty close, we used to go on hikes together all the time. This is the first time I've been back here since the funeral and I feel so bad for not coming back sooner."
"Oh, is this why you guys moved away?"
"Yeah, I guess my parents couldn't handle staying here, too many memories I guess. So we'd packed up and moved within a couple of weeks after the funeral."
"That must have been hard."
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Isaac says, "I just wish we could have come back, even just to visit. You know it's where I grew up, where all my memories of him are, and it felt weird to leave him behind and never come back to visit."
"That makes sense."
Isaac watches as Liam studies the tombstone.
"Oh wow," Liam says, "he was our age."
"Yep," Isaac says quietly, "two weeks after his eighteenth birthday. I was twelve. The twins were only a couple of years old."
"That must have been really hard."
"It was horrible, I guess it was almost good that the twins were there, everyone had to carry on somewhat as normal, they still needed to be taken care of."
"I guess I finally understand why you're so protective of them," Liam says, he's trying to make a joke and keep his tone light but he's not entirely sure it comes out the way he planned.
"Yeah, well, my parents had already lost one kid, I guess I was worried what would happen to them if they lost another."
Liam hesitates and Isaac knows what question is coming before it even leaves Liam's mouth.
"Can I ask what happened?"
Isaac tries to make a joke even though he knows it will land flat. "I don't know, can you?"
Liam smiles but there's no warmth behind it and Isaac knows it's just for his benefit, that Liam is trying his best to make him feel better.
"Car accidenct," Isaac continues, refusing to meet Liam's gaze, "he was coming back from a party, had had more to drink than he realised, went straight into a tree."
"Oh fuck."
"Yeah."
"I'm so sorry I ever tried to pressure you into drinking."
"It's fine Liam, I mean it's not really a reason I shouldn't drink. But it scares me you know, I guess I'm just always worried about the past repeating itself and what that would do to my parents."
"You're such a good son."
"I kind of had to be." Isaac doesn't mean to sound so sad when he says it, he loves his family. "They moved, bought the shop and they needed a babysitter and a shop assistant, it was always just assumed I'd help out and I was happy to. I just tried to be a good kid, save them from any more trouble."
"Like I say you're an amazing son."
"I'm okay."
"You're wonderful Isaac. And this is probably a super insensitive thing to say but while I'm sorry you had to move for such a horrible reason, I'm so happy you did so I can meet you. I'm a lucky person to have you in my life Isaac."
"I guess you must have been some sort of saint in your past life."
Liam laughs and this time it's a little more real. Isaac figures they're past the worst of it now that everything is out in the open. There's nothing left for Isaac to hide behind anymore.
"What was he like?" Liam asks.
"Honestly you kind of remind me of him. He was always so happy, always up for an adventure, used to threaten to beat up anyone who said anything mean about me."
"Honestly that sounds more like you Isaac, except for the always being happy part, you can be very grumpy in the mornings."
Isaac pushes Liam lightly but Liam's arms are still wrapped around him and so he doesn't go far.
"He was a great older brother," Isaac says, "he was the one that showed me the cave. And taught me how to swim. We used to worry our parents as the two of us used to disappear for hours off on an adventure. I didn't think about it at the time but it was really nice of him to hang out with his dorky younger brother, 6 years felt like nothing to me but god I can't imagine spending all day with a twelve year old now we're his age."
"I guess being a good brother runs in the family."
"Or I just learnt from the best."
"I'm really sorry Isaac."
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I do," Liam insists. "I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me any of this."
"It's not just you," Isaac says, "even Daniel doesn't know."
"Why not?"
"It sounds so stupid. But I guess this felt like something we were trying to leave behind, so I didn't want to tell anyone, it almost made it feel more real. And then I was worried if I told you guys you might mention it round at the house. We don't really talk about him at home."
"I won't lie Isaac that doesn't sound super healthy," Liam says.
"Probably not, but if it's what works for my parents then it's what we're going to do. It's their son."
"And it's your brother."
"I appreciate the concern Liam, I really do. But at this point its been six years I'm really not sure we're going to change."
"Fair enough, but if you ever want to talk about him I'm always here."
"Thank you," Isaac says, and he means it. "We should probably leave, I think I've had enough deep conversations for the day."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Wanna go buy flowers?"
Isaac wants nothing more and he's thrilled Liam has remembered, has thought to ask. Isaac wonders how Liam can make everything seem slightly brighter, how he can comfort him so easily, distract him with just a few words. Isaac is suddenly thankful that Liam was here, that he didn't have to do this all on his own. He suddenly finds that telling Liam about Gideon has felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders. Six years ago somehow simultaneously feels like yesterday and decades ago, Isaac hadn't noticed how much he missed talking about Gideon until today.
"Sounds perfect."