Eye of the Storm
Have you ever lost someone?
It's really hard to wake up each morning knowing that you'll never see them again. You'll question yourself where you went wrong. But there are things in life that are beyond our control. No matter how we tried to hold it together, things happen and we just have to accept that, even if it pains us.
"Again, I'm sorry for everything, Layana." Paghingi ng paumanhin ng Don.
Katulad ni Hayes, bumagsak din ang katawan nito pero nakabawi bawi na rin sa buhay. Ang uban nitong mga buhok ay halos sakupin na ang natitira pa nitong itim na buhok. Kanina sa hapag ay halos pigil hininga akong kumakain. Hindi ko maatim na nagawa kong makapagtanghalian kasama ang idinidiing suspect noon sa pagkamatay ng magulang at kapatid ko.
At ngayong nandito kaming tatlo sa sala ay ganoon pa rin ang pakiramdam. Mabigat pa rin. Marahil ay ganito naman talaga simula't sapul ang pakiramdam ko sa tuwing malapit sa akin ang presensiya ni Don Nicholas.
"Napatawad ko na po kayo," mahina kong sabi. Lumipat ang paningin ko kay Hayes na ngayon ay nasa gilid ko. Tinitimbang nito ang reaksyon ko. Ngumiti ako sa kaniya ng kaonti at muling bumaling sa ama nito sa aming harapan. "Alam ko pong damay lang din kayo dito."
Umiling iling ang matanda. "Hija, kayo ang nadamay sa gulo ng aming pamilya. I know it's too late to say this but...condolonces to your family...I'm sorry."
I bit my cheeks when I heard him apologized for the nth time. His voice sounds so sincere and regretful.
But I already accepted the fact that people come and go. At first it will hurt. It will leave you crying until three am, questioning the Almighty why it happened to you. The kind of hurt that follows you everywhere. It will hurt and hurt but one day, it'll just stop. You will learn how to forgive someone as well as yourself.
Forgive yourself for all the things that you became. Peace starts after forgiveness.
After I took a bath, I immediately fell asleep. Pakiramdam ko nga ay iyon ang unang pagkakataon na nakatulog ako ulit ng payapa. I don't know if it's just because I'm too tired or I just felt safe and secure knowing that Hayes's presence is everywhere.
Nagising ako ng dapit hapon. Sumasayaw ang puting kurtina sa bintana. Kulay kahel na ang kalangitan at ang tunog ng alon ay unti-unti nang naririnig ng malinaw dahil sa papalapit na tahimik na gabi. I checked my phone and sent a message to my mother that I won't be going home for several days.
I am now wearing Haye's cotton gray shorts and my white shirt last night. It smells good. Ang bango niya palang maglaba.
Nang lumabas ako sa maliit na kwarto ay inilibot ko ang paningin ko sa maliit ding sala. Purong kawayang nabarnisan ang estraktura ng bahay pero maaliwas at malinis. Sila lang siguro mag-ama ang naninirahan dito.
Lumabas ako ng bahay. May ilang mangingisda akong natanaw sa hindi kalayuan. Ang kahabaan ng puting buhangin ay tila walang hanggan. Napapliligiran ng berdeng puno at pananim ang paligid ng bawat kabahayan.
Nasaan sina Hayes?
Naglakad lakad pa ako sa pinong pinong buhangin ng Ilo-Ilo. Ang sarap sa pandinig ng mga alon. I closed my eyes when the wind whispered to me. It feels so relaxing.
and safe. Malayong malayo sa magulo at maingay na syudad. It feels like, I suddenly found may solace.
I sat in the sand and silently watched the setting of the sun. Unti-unting sinakop ng dilim ang kalangitan. But the moon showed up and lighten the sky. I smiled. In that moment, I realized that in every endings, there's a new beginning. With each sunset, the light of the moon rises. With each defeat, there is an opportunity waiting at the end to win the next match.
Nang lamigin na ako ay muli na akong bumalik sa bahay nila Hayes. Yakap ko ang sarili dahil sa malamig na simoy ng hangin. Bahagya pa akong nagulat nang makita si Hayes na nag-aabang sa labas ng bahay nila. Hingal na hingal ito at kunot na kunot ang noo.
Bago pa ako makalapit sa kaniya ay sinalubong na niya ako ng isang mahigpit na yakap. It is the kind of embraced that don't want to let go.
"H-hey...I just watched the sunset," mahina kong sabi nang maramdaman ang mabibigat nitong paghinga.
His embraced squeezed me more. "I thought I lose you again."
I slowly raised my hand to pat his back. "I...I'm not going anywhere, Hayes."
Hinayaan ko siya na hagkan ako sa ilalim ng liwanag ng buwan. This is the familiar feeling I am looking for. This is the kind of safety and comfort that he alone can give. I want to stay here forever.
We stayed in that position until he let go of me. When I saw his face, I saw how scared he is.
I gave him an assuring smile and cupped his face using my hand. "It's okay. I'm here."
Ipinatong niya ang kamay sa akin at mas idiniin iyon sa kaniyang pisngi. He closed his eyes and nodded simultaneously. It seems like that is his own way of calming himself. I looked at our hands...Am I still deserving to hold his hands? Am I still worthy to hold those slender fingers? When Hayes noticed where my attention is focused at, he is the one who intertwined our hands.
The wind blows. He tucked my hair behind my ears. Pinaglapat nitong muli ang mga noo namin at mariin siyang pumikit. "I can't lose someone again, Layana. I'll go nuts if I lose you too."
I slighlt moved my body away from him when I couldn't understand what he meant. His eyes remained close. "W-what do you mean?"
I saw him took a deep breathe before he opened his eyes. Instead of answering me, he guided me to sat in one of his lap in a hammock right between the coconut tree beside their house. He scooped my legs and placed it in one side.Napahawak tuloy ako nang mahigpit sa kaniyang magkabilang balikat. We're too close.
"Hayes," I called him when he still didn't talk after long minutes of silence.
Inilapait nito ang mukha sa aking sentido. His other hands is supporting my back and the other one is busy caressing my hands above my lap.
"My mother died," he whispered.
I stiffened.
Mas inilapit niya pa ang mukha sa akin na para bang takot na takot siya na makita ko ang mukha niya. He buried his head in my neck and sniffed it.
"W-what?" nauutal kong tanong.
Donya Lucianna...died?
He planted some feathery kisses in my neck. As much as I want to moved away, my body chose not to move. He distanced himself and sadly looked down in our hands. "She died year after I get imprisoned. Aneurysm...They...they didn't allow me to attend my mother's funeral, Layana."
I felt like my world turned upside down again. Akala ko tapos na lahat ng sakit. Meron pa palang kasunod.
He lifted his eyes and smiled sadly at me. "It's okay...I'm okay now."
I can see that he is doing great now but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore.
I hugged him and caressed his silky hair. My heart feels heavy for him. I know that his relationship with his mother is not that good but I know how much it hurt. I experienced it. I lost my parent. Naging mabait pa nga sa akin ang tadhana kahit papaano dahil nasamahan ko sa huling hantungan ang pamilya ko...pero si Hayes, hindi siya pinagbigyan ng pagkakataon.
Pilit kong isinisiksik ang sarili ko sa kaniya. Hindi nagtagal ay naramdaman ko rin ang pagsukli niya sa akin ng yakap.
All this time, he was there...He was there for me even tho my eyes can't see him....but he was there. He was there for me when everything's falling apart. He was there for me even tho I pushed him away. He was silently cares for me. But I wasn't there for him when he needed me. I wasn't there when he needed some comfort. I wasn't there for him.
"I'm here. I won't leave you. I'll stay with you," I sincerely told him.
I am not going anywhere anymore. We already lost so much. We already sacrificed a lot. It should end here. This is where it ends, this is where we start.
We spent the remaining hours talking about what happened to us in the past few months. He graduated with Latin Honors yesterday under BS in Business Administration. I also want to give him some flowers so I plucked a santan flower in their mini garden. He smiled at me and ruffles my hair as I sat behind him in the hammock.
"Thank you for this," he said in much deeper voice.
"Don't worry,pagbalik natin sa Tagaytay magarbong boquet ang bibigay ko sa'yo," masaya kong mutawi.
I also decided to create him a santan bracelette. He just let me to do whatever I want.
"Nasaan pala si Don Nicholas?" I asked while busy connecting the flowers.
I felt his hand envelope my waist. He draws some lazy circle. "Sa Bayan...he met someone."
Binalingan ko siya saglit. "Someone?"
Bumuntong hininga si Hayes at bahagyang inangat ang kamay na nakapatong sa aking hita para maisuot ko na sa pulsuhan niya ang bulaklak na bracelette. "We'll make a hole for the rat."
I stopped. He is now seriously looking at me, waiting for my reaction. "You mean...?"
Tumango tango ito at may ngiting sinuri ang bracelette na gawa ko. "We'll attend Eubert's wedding. I'm sure that Antonio Monte de Ramos will also be there. He's been dying to catch and kill my father."
Kumalabog na naman ang puso ko nang marinig ang pangalan ni Tito Antonio. Pangalan niya pa lang, alam mong magiging kaibigan mo agad ang kamatayan. Umahon ang kaba sa dibdib ko dahil sa mga posibleng mangyari. Alam ko kung gaano kadelikado ang mga susunod na mangyayari. Hindi ito sakop ng batas. Wala sa kampo namin ang batas.
"It's gonna be okay. I promise," he said and closed the distance between us.
Hindi ko magawang makapagsalita. Alam kong magpasahanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin binibitawan ni Hayes ang pangako niya sa akin na bibigyang hustisya ang pamilya ko pero...ayokong may mangyari sa kaniyang masama.
Hindi ko kakayanin.
He smiled at me at gave me soft kiss. "I can read your mind."
I exhaled harshly which made him laughed. Sinamaan ko ito ng tingin. Bakit parang hindi man lang siya natatakot? Si Tito Antonio iyon...hindi namin alam kung ano ang mga kaya niyang gawin.
"Everything will be over soon."
Our boat is now sailing again in the wild waves. The wind is blowing harshly, sign that we are now about to experience another storm. But Hayes made me realize tonight that we only need to adjust our sails. We are now approaching the shore. It's just a matter of courage. After all, we are anchored to Someone stronger than the waves.
Nang makauwi si Don Nicholas ng gabing iyon ay muli kaming nagsabay na tatlo sa hapag. I also shared my deepest condolonces to her wife. We might not have a beautiful start, but it's our responsibility to have a beautiful ending. I told them that I will attend Eubert's wedding and concerns easily plastered in their face.
"Layana," tutol ni Hayes.
I held his hand under the table and gave him an assuring smile. "We're in this together. I told you, I'll never let go of your hand."
Bakas ang pagtutol sa mga mukha nito pero buo ang desisyon ko. This is no longer my fight alone. Tito Antonio need to pay for his debts.
I stayed in Hayes' room while he chose to sleep in the living area. Tanging liwanag sa buwan ang nagsisilbi kong ilaw sa madilim na kwarto. I can't sleep. Bukas ay tutungo kami ng bayan ni Hayes para bumili ng damit ko para sa kasal pero sisikat na lang ulit ang araw ay hindi pa rin ako makatulog.
Nadatnan ko si Hayes na nakatungo sa sala. Nakalatag ang isang libro, notebook at ballpen sa maliit na mesa. I slowly closed the door behind me. His hands are both clasped...as if he is silently praying. I stood there silently until he finished. When he noticed me I sat beside him and surveyed the table.
"Devotions," saad niya kahit na wala pa naman akong tinatanong.
Magaan at malambot ko siyang tinignan at maging ang bible at devotion notebook nito. Puro sticky notes iyon at annotated notes. I remember the notes in my boquets. Matapos niyang mapagpatong patong iyon ay saka niya ako sinipat. Kinuha nito ang kamay ko at marahang pinaglaruan iyon.
"Why aren't you asleep yet?"
"I can't sleep."
"Do you want some milk?"
Tumanggi ako. "It's fine...When did you start doing your devotions?"
Alam kong hindi kami masyadong malapit ni Hayes sa Kaniya. Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganito kaseryoso sa pagbabasa ng Bible at maging ang pananalangin. Maybe like me, when life gets harshed, we both run to Him. Our struggles made a way for us to know Him.
"Prison changed me, Layana," panimula nito. "I was so lost. I was alone...I was drowning and I have nothing to cling to."
There's a sadness in his voice but I can tell that he is also in the process to overcome those incident little by little.
"I just woke up one day, He's right in front of me, lending his hand.Desperately, I held his hands. I want someone to be with me during those days...He was the only who never left me," his smile didn't left in his face. "He made me realize that He can turn my nothingness into something. He helped me a lot. And I extend his generosity to you."
His cards in every bouquets. It also helped me and made me realize some aspects in my life. That my strength is not sufficient alone. I need Him.
"I worked hard for myself. I made myself deserving again because you don't deserve the minimum and the low version of myself, Layana. I want to love you wholeheartedly again so I left and ask Him to fix me."
I held his hand and squeezed it. "I'm so proud of you."
He nodded. "I'm so proud of you, too."
I buried my head to his chest. He instantly hugged me back.
During this time of uncertainty, His love is what I'm definitely certain of. Ang layo na nang narating namin ni Hayes. Ang daming luha at sugat ang natamo namin pero sa isat-isa pa rin kami umuwi.
When you love someone, you can't stop loving them since doing so would mean abandoning a part of yourself. Your spirit yearns for a certain kind of warmth and intimacy. And now, I am back at his arms.
I played with his long slender fingers, when the time is right, I would gladly marry him. Siya lang ang papakasalan ko. Sa kaniya ko lang gustong maikasal.
"I was looking for our child."
I stopped playing with his fingers when I heard him talk.
He kissed my hair gently and embraced me tighter. "I found her."
Kung akala ko ay wala ng ibibilis ang tibok ng puso ko dahil sa lapit namin sa isa't-isa ay dumoble iyon ngayon. Mabilis na nagtubig ang mga mata ko. Alam kong hindi ko habang buhay na maitatago sa kaniya ang patungkol doon pero ang sakit pa rin pala. I never let him to see her. I deprived his rights to become the father of my child.
"We'll go see her after the wedding. You'll come with me, right?"
He found her. My child. Our child.
"How?"
"Elene."
"You found her too?"
He nodded.
I griped his shirt and grieved for my child. Regret easily dominated my heart. Kahit pagbalibaliktarin ko man ang mundo, ako ang pumatay sa anak ko. Ako ang dahilan ng pagkamatay ng anak naming dalawa.
"Hayes...Hayes I'm sorry."
"It's okay...It's my fault. If I just have been more tough and...fought fairly, these all won't happen."
"You protected us in your own ways, Hayes."
"I do?"
I nodded. "It was me...It was all me."
I looked to him and he smiled sadly. He kissed my forehead. I am caged in his arms and at the same time, I can feel His embraced. It made me realized that there's beauty beyond vulnerability, where you don't have to appear tough all of the time, and hugs that taste like therapy every time they hold you and fill the void in your heart with love.
"I was admitted to the mental."
Hayes didn't see it coming. I gave him a smile to tell that it was all done. "But I am okay now. Doing better."
His eyes became more guilty. "Layana."
I kissed him to stop him. "We'll see our child.. after this. Right?"
He nodded.
I rested my head to his chest and hug him. "Everything that happened...It's not your fault. You did what you think is best for the both of us. Free yourself."
Mabilis na lumipas ang oras at sumapit na ang kasal ni kuya Eubert. We travelled by air while Don Nicholas chose to travelled by land. It's much safer this way since Kuya Eben is with him during the drive.
Ilang saglit pa ay in-announce na na kailangan na naming sumakay sa private plane ng mga Mendoza. Katabi ko si Hayes at doon ako naupo banda sa bintana. Hindi rin naman naging matagal ang biyahe at nakarating kami agad sa Balesin.
Pagkapasok namin sa receiving area ng Balesin Exclusive Club ay sandali pa kaming nanatili sa lobby. Maya maya pa ay may sumundo na sa'ming parang jeepney. Ayon sa guide ay dadalhin kami nito sa Royal Villa, doon kami mananatili hanggang kinabukasan para sa gaganapin na kasal nila Eubert.
Pagkadating naman sa Royal Villa ay sinalubong na kami ng mag-fiancee. I met the remaining Espinozas. Ate Shay cried and also ask for my forgiveness. We forgave each other.
Nagpaalam sa akin saglit si Hayes na tutulungan lang ang kapatid sa pag-aasikaso ng mga bisita. I found out that Serene Mendoza and my friend Abes is somehow had a connection. Abes's fiancee is related to the Mendozas.
"Anais!"
Agad na hinanap ng mata ko ang boses ni Abes. Kumakaway kaway ito sa labas ng isang ancient house doon.
"Target locked! Libre mo ako fruit shake. Pota te, isang glass kamo umabot ng 5k. Ginto amp!"
I smiled. "Well what do you expect, it's a Mendoza-Espinoza wedding."
Tumango tango naman siya. "Sabagay."
I looked around. "Where is your fiancee?"
He squinted his nose. "Nagpapahinga sa kwarto."
Nanliit ang mata ko sa kaniya dahilan para mapatawa naman ito.
"Hoy pagod kasi sa biyahe, okay? Taenang ito. Ano akala mo sa'kin araw-araw nagdidilig?"
I mocked him. "Yeah. Hardinero."
Pumaimbabaw ang nakakahawang tawa ni Abes. Napailing iling na lang ako.
"Ayos na kayo?"
I bit my lower lip and happily nodded. He ruffles my hair.
"Ayan, masaya ka na ulit. Sabi na isang Hayes lang katapat mo e."
I smiled wider. "I'm really happy, Abes. Thank you for your help."
Abes helped me a lot. He is my backbone and support system.
Ngumuso ito. "Naku, wala iyon! Tutulungan talaga kita, te kahit na anong mangyari."
I hugged Abes. I felt him stiffened first but teased me after with his laugh. His laugh is really annoying tho.
"Thank you for sticking with me until the end." I sincerely told him and hugged him tighter.
"Hanggang dulo, Anais. Sasamahan din kita hanggang dulo."
This man in front of me witnessed my highs and lows. I can't lose him. I won't. I will keep Abes with me until the end.
"Everything is set," saad ko nang matapos kami sa pag-aayos ng venue at receptions.
"Thank you for all of you. Thank you," emosyonal na sinabi sa'min ni Ate Shay. When our eyes met, we exchanged smiles.
Pinasadahan kong muli ang naging resulta ng pinagtulungan naming venue. Para sa bride entourage, naglagay kami ng mga dried pampass grass at daffodils. Sinamahan din namin iyon ng ilang glass. Ang silya na siyang uupuan ng mga bisita ay halos puro puti.
Ang pinakagitna naman o magiging sentro ng selebrasyon sa pagharap nila sa pari ay nilagyan namin ng isang ark na gawa rin sa dried pampass grass. Syempre, ako ang nag-ayos nito at sinamahan pa ng ilang white roses.Ang reception naman naglalaro sa puti at krema ang tema. Dinisenyohan din namin ng ilang fairy lights at bulbs ang taas nito. Isinabit namin iyon sa pagitan ng mga puno ng niyog.
Nagsimula na kaming mag-ayos pagkatapos nun. Mabilis na lumipas ang mga oras at nagsimula na ang kasalang kuya Eubert at Serene. Nang makaupo ako sa isang silyang naroon ay agad na naagaw ng pansin ko si Hayes. He's wearing a navy blue tuxedo, white long sleeve underneath and a black necktie. Nakaayos din ang buhok nito.
I smiled, napakagwapo niya ngayon. Alam kong si kuya Eubert ang bida ngayong araw pero mas humanga ako sa itsura nito.
Nang magsimula na ang kasal ay hindi na napigilan ng ilan ang maging emosyonal lalo na noong nagsimula na ang bridal march. Lahat ng atensyon ay nakatuon kay Serene. She's so beautiful right now.Wala sa sarili akong napangiti. I also want to have a wedding. Iyong ako din mismo ang mag-aasikaso ng lahat mula sa pinakamaliliit na details hanggang sa malalaki.
Nang makarating na siya kay kuya Eubert ay nahagip ng mata ko si Hayes. Diretso at seryoso siyang pinagmamasdan ako. Sinubukan kong labanan ang titig niya at gano'n din naman siya.
Look how far we've become. Everything changed. Everything does not go well to what we had plan. But like what I've said before, no matter how we end up, I'll be still glad that I took the chance to be with him.
"I love you," he mouted.
I squinted my eyes and told him to listen to the ceremony. He smirked.
I experienced the kind of happiness that allows me to be alive. He thought me some things I've never realized before that existed. And above all, he thought me about love. The kind of love that endures, love that knows how to wait, love that pains, and love that allows us to grow even if in our own separate ways.
"Everyone, give a round of applause for our newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Espinoza!" saad ng host sa receptions.
Nagpalakpakan naman kami at sinalubong ng sandamakmak na pagbati sa bagong kasal sa receptions. Nagbigay ng ilang mensahe ang mga malalapit na tao sa buhay nila. I even saw Astrid. After that ay nagsimula na ang first dance ng mag-asawa. I'm so happy for the both of them. They look so inlove with each other. While watching them, I can't help but to reminisce those moments when Hayes danced with me.
I excused myself for some people in our table. Dumiretso ako sa bathroom para magretouch. Nang makalabas ako ay hindi inaasahan na mabubunggo ako ng isang lalaki.
"Ooops, I'm sorry."
Napaatras ako at napatingin sa damit ko na natapunan ng wine. Ang mahal ng wine, sayang! Baka pwedeng pigain itong dress ko. I laughed mentally.
"I'm sorry." Paghingi niya ulit ng paumanhin at iniabot sa'kin ang isang panyo.
"It's okay," kinuha ko iyon at pinahid sa dress ko.
"It's my fault, I'm not paying attention. I'm sorry."
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. "Hey it's okay."
I just gave him a little smile but it instantly faded when I saw Hayes beside him.
"Is there a problem?" tanong niya sa'min.
Mukha ding nagulat ang lalaking kausap ko.
"I ruined her dress," he looks very guilty.
Hayes shifted his gaze to me. Volts of electricity travelled to my body when he grabbed my hand.
The man infront of us raised both of his hands. "She's not my type, bro. Easy. Abes is my sister's man. Chill."
Ako ang napapagod sa kakatingala sa kanilang dalawa dahil magkasingtangkad lang ang mga ito. Unang umalis ang lalaki sa harapan namin. Tila binuhusan naman ako ng malamig na tubig nang magbaba si Hayes ng tingin sa'kin.
"Hayes, it's just an-"
Hindi ko na naituloy ang sasabihin ko nang maramdaman ang labi niya sa akin. Natuod pa ako ng ilang segundo dahil sa nangyari pero kalaunan ay sinabayan ko na ang paggalaw ng kaniyang labi. Masuyo at maingat iyon sa una pero naging mapaghanap iyon at naging marahas.
"He didn't mean it." I said after our kiss.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"It's crazy...I've missed you so much that I want to tie myself to you."
I hug his waist. "I'll do the honor."
He shook his head out of amusedment."I love you. Always had been, always will be," he said breathlessly after our kiss ended.
Muli kong hinapit ang leeg niya at hinalikan itong muli. "I loved you. I love you and I'll keep loving you."
I feel like I'm floating. I can't remember when was the last time I felt him this close to me. It seems like I've been waiting for this moment to happen again. To feel his words, touch, his breathing and the way he move himself to own me.
But the taste of heaven didn't last. We heard multiple gunshots all over the place, sign that hell finally visited us.