They don’t understand, none of them do. That’s why I left. I almost did it again today. I could’ve killed another American. I’m just a murder. Yes, that’s exactly what I am. A murder.
Without even thinking I take out knife and clutch it in my hand. I start to feel tears run down my eyes. If I live any longer then people will surly die. People that don’t need to. I look up into the sky still having the knife at my side.
“Thinking that will solve all your problems?” I spin around expecting to see Jason, but it’s Blake. They sound similar if you’re not looking at them.
“It will solve a lot of other people’s problems.” I confess my voice cracking and my eyes blurring up with tears.
“Maybe, but it will cause a lot more problems in the future.” He says walking up next to me.
“Like?” I challenge.
“Like never seeing Jama again, or Logan, or the Lodge, or us. We would never get over that fact. Do you really want to take your life? Just because you made a mistake, on somebody who probably deserved to die. Or wanted to.”
“Why do you think he would want to die?” I ask.
“Probably didn’t have any family here or had nothing to live for. Why do you think he kept winning? He was probably waiting for someone stronger than he was so he could die fighting.” He says.
“Or he just kept winning.” I say.
“He wouldn’t get any money that way. He just stayed in there until you came up. You didn’t see it because you were getting ready for the fight, probably thinking if something else. Kim, his eyes flashed for minute with sadness. I saw it. It was only for a second though, then he grew to anger and hatred. But . . . if I think about it, the people there probably all wanted to die.”
“You drink way to many Vodka and soda drinks.” I snap. “Lay off them.”
“Think about it. That place is death waiting to happen. That bar is the only place men go and some women. Why do we get ourselves drunk? To forget. Those people, they want to forget everything and whoever steps into that ring that was there was probably waiting to die. They just want death to be over and done with. That man couldn’t be killed by anybody so he decided to kill people. You killed him. You put him out of his misery.” I take in all of what he’s saying. I feel the tears still running down my face in a hot mess.
“Listen to me,” Blake continues in a more demanding voice, putting one hand on my shoulder, coming a little closer to me, “You’re not a bad person. You’re only a bad person when you kill the innocent people, okay.” He can see it’s hard for me to breathe so he puts his other hand on my shoulder. “Do you understand me?”
I look up at him and nod. But he still sees that I’m having trouble comprehending what he just explained, so he hugs me. I hug him back still feeling guilty for what happened. His arms are strong, and his warm embrace calms me a bit. But he still doesn’t understand.
I squeeze him tighter, “You still don’t get it.” I say. “It’s not why I killed the man, it’s how. I-I felt a surge of . . . relief you could put it. It almost felt . . . fun fighting him.” I pause as Blake gently pries me off him. I look up at him with sullen, red eyes. He stares down at me with a confusion. I sniffle once, “It felt fun using my training skills for real. Then when I looked down at him as he was choking to death, at the last breath I realized why I was killing him and what I was doing. But it was too late. He then died.” I stop for a minute taking in a breath. Blake watches me carefully. “I hate myself for it, but I couldn’t help it. I did have fun fighting him, until the last part where he died. That’s when I realized what I’ve become. A monster.”
“You’re not a monster!” Blake shouts. I flinch a little. “That’s just what you’ve known how to do for your whole life. And you’re good at fighting, so you’ve grown a specific like for it. We all have.”
“You like fighting?” I ask in shock. I never pictured Blake, or anyone liking fighting. I always thought they just were forced to do it. But aren’t we all?
“Of course we have a passion for fighting, but something’s need to be restrained. You have to decide for yourself if the person you are fighting is bad enough to kill or not. Like that man I almost killed that one year. I decided he didn’t have to die and called the police instead. You only kill people in self-defense or if they are truly hurting other people. But you need to be cautious.” He pauses making sure I got all it.
I open my mouth to speak but no words come out. Blake puts the hand on my shoulder again. “You are not a bad person, but next time think about what you’re doing, okay? I know what’s it’s like to get wound up in fighting someone, it’s hard to think of anything else but killing them. So, next time just stop for a second, think, and then decide whether to kill them or not.”
I feel my tears stop a bit. I smile up at him. “When did my cousin become so wise?”
He smiles back down at me. “When the same problem happened to him a few years ago. Jason gave me that speech. It helped.”
We stand there looking at each other, then hug again. I clutch him close not wanting to let go of the protection of my cousin. I know I can’t make this journey across the whole country without all five of them. And if anyone should die on this trip, it will be me.
Walking for about two more days in Indiana was quick. Around 1823 hours, on the second day, is when we finally reached Illinois. Once we cross the border I feel all the pain rush inside me. I look around at my old state. It has been six years since I visited this state. As far as I can tell right now, nothing has changed dramatically. But the rumors of Chicago that Razor told us back at the bar still linger. She could be right. I haven’t checked the local news in a while.
I want to stop in Chicago but I know if I see the destruction and devastation, I know I will just loose it, so will everyone else. We stop a couple of times to rest in the one and a half days we walk through the state.
I make the decision to stop for the night at 2047 hours. I look behind me and see my colleagues exhausted. I can’t argue with them. I barely keep my eyes open when I find a rock cave that will hold all of us. The forest densely surrounds us. Nobody would think of coming this far into it.
Ronnie replies her bandage and I help Jason and Blake gather wood for a fire. I realize when I reach into the food sack we only have enough food for about two more days each. And our journey isn’t half way over yet.
“What do we do about the food?” Ivan asks taking a spoonful of peas.
“Who are you asking?” I say not looking up eating my own can. The fire burns brightly in the cave keeping us warm.
“You.” Ivan says swallowing like I didn’t understand the question. I chew my helping of peas, swallow, and then look up at the group. “I can’t carry this whole journey on my shoulders, guys. I need your help with some things!” I snap angrily.
“Well, I was just wondering.” Ivan says snootily. I curl my lip at his tone and clutch my can so tightly my hand starts to shake. I get so angry at his comment I throw my can of peas on the floor. Everyone stares at me when I get up and load my gun. “You want me to get more food, is that it Ivan?” I click the slide of bullets in their compartment and stick it on my belt. ‘I’ll get you food.” I load my other gun. Everyone watches my intensely.
“Kimberley, what are you doing?” Jason asks me.
“Going to hunt.” I answer anger in my tone of voice. “Ivan wants food right?”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’ll happen.”
“Why!?” I snap irritated.
“For one, its pitch black outside, and for another it’s already snowing pretty hard.” I look out the cave and see little white flurries fall amongst the darkness. I scrunch my nose up and look down angrily at Ivan. “You should be grateful I just brought that for you.” I hiss pointing at the can. “Maybe you can come up with something tomorrow.” I say straightening out. I look over at Jason and Blake. “I’ll take first watch.” I volunteer. I don’t wait for a response as I take a seat on a rock right inside the entrance’s edge.
I soon don’t hear any noises and the glow of the fire dies down to a few sparks. I turn my head around to see the group sleeping in their sleeping bags. All of them look so peaceful I can’t help but smile.
I turn back around, spinning a knife between my fingers. I just watch as more snow falls. Then I feel my whole body collapse of the rock, on the ground, and darkness over takes me.
“Kimberley, Kimberley!” Someone is shaking me. I squint my eyes making out the image of Jason. He is kneeling beside me shaking my arm. “Are you okay?”
“What,” I say sleepily, yawning. “Yeah, why?”
“Because I just woke up and you had collapsed.” He says. I turn my head looking outside. It is still dark out, but the snow has stopped.
“How long was I asleep?” I ask rubbing my eyes, sitting up.
“I don’t know, but since I’m up I can take watch now.” He suggests.
“Please do.” I groan.
“Of course, go get some sleep.” He helps me up. “You can use my bag.”
“Thanks.” I walk over to the black sleeping bag and lower myself into it. Instantly I fall asleep. A nightmare follows.
I’m fighting the man at the bar again. Once I kill him I feel the joy and pride inside myself. Then I look down at my hands. They’re covered in blood. I taste it in my mouth and feel my hair drenched in it.
Then I look around at all the people in the bar. Bodies lie on the floor and tables. All bloody and dead. Then I turn to Razor who is flopped over the bar, her body not moving.
Then I notice Blake, Saige and Ronnie. All of them are in a heap, dead. I suddenly feel the pride turn to fear. I get out of the arena and run outside seeing more bodies lying in the streets. Then I spot Ivan and Jason both lying in the corner of the building dead.
I hear footsteps behind me. I spin around whipping out a knife only seeing Logan come up to me. He looks down at me then around at the disaster. There is no sign of disappointment or anguish on his face. He turns his gaze back to me. “What have you done?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to kill all these people.” I wail. “Please, please help me Logan.”
He leans in to my ear and whispers to me. “I can’t.” Then he pulls away. I look down and scream. I’m holding a knife in his abdomen. Blood tricks down his body and hits the ground.
That’s when I jump awake, sweat streaming down my body. I breathe deeply looking around the cave making sure he dream isn’t real. I see the cave walls, the ashes of the fire, the cans, and the group all still sleeping. I pull my legs up to my chest and close my eyes waiting for the memory of the dream to be over.
I then open my eyes again, look outside and see the light of day. The snow made a fine white layer on the forest floor and in the trees. I see Jason leaning against the cave wall, sleeping. I grin a little. He couldn’t even stay up all night.
“Morning.” I snap my head around to see Ivan wake up rubbing his eyes. “So Jason took your spot in the middle of the night?”
I just nod. “Fell asleep.”
“Oh, well, you seemed pretty exhausted.” I shrug. “Hey, you know I didn’t mean what I said last night right, about you figuring out about the food supply-”
“It’s okay,” I stop him, “I was just cranky last night.” He nods once and looks down. I can tell he doesn’t believe me. I don’t think I believe me. “Hey, why don’t we go get some water? We can disinfect it before we go.”
“Okay, but what will we carry it in?”
“Our water bottles, come on.” I say pushing the sleeping bag of me. I stand up and stretch out my body. I feel my back crack and help Ivan to his feet.
We walk out of the cave grabbing the water bottles out all the back packs. We then find a small lake. I use my knife to crack the ice making a whole for us to fill the water bottles with water.
I let Ivan go first. “So what’s the plan now?” Ivan asks as we fills up one of the water bottles. “Keep heading west?”
“That’s my plan.” I confess. “I just hope getting across the bridge won’t be a problem.”
“I don’t think so, if we go in the morning they pretty much always have the bridge for people to go to and from the island. Getting back I think will be harder.” Ivan twists the cap back on the water bottle and sets it aside and starts to fill another up.
“Why do you say that?” I ask.
“Well, if you want to get everyone out of there we’ll have to steel trucks. The Unions can close the bridge at any time. We could all fall to our deaths.”
I didn’t think of that. If we are all on the bridge they could close it at any time. “Well do you have a plan?” I ask him.
“Isn’t it obvious, we need to find a way to keep the bridge across? That’ll only happen if we can find the control panel.”
“Yeah,” I agree, “but there could always be one or more control panels.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Ivan says, “if we can control at least one then we probably can, I think, keep the bridge stable. Trouble is we don’t know where any of them are located.”
“Once we get there we’ll probably find one.” I say. Ivan shrugs filling up a third water bottle. Suddenly I hear a noise over the hill. “Hey, I’m going to look over here.” I say leaving Ivan at the pool.
I crawl up the hill we came down and look over it. I don’t see anything at first. I shrug it off then look back at Ivan. Then I see it, and it’s heading straight to Ivan. He doesn’t even see it.
“Ivan!” I scream in terror. Ivan turns around seeing it finally. The huge grizzly bear growling at him. Ivan is petrified.
Then the bear stands on its hind legs making it three times taller. Ivan drops the bottle of water he’s holding and looks up at the bear.
“Damn,” I hiss pulling off my bow from my back and taking an arrow. I pull it back and aim for the bear. Luckily the bear is not a hard target to miss. It’s massive.
I aim and fire it hitting the bears shoulder. It roars, and goes back on all fours. “Ivan, run!” I scream loading another arrow. The bear sees me and now starts trotting on its paws towards me. Ivan regains conscious and scrambles to his feet. He takes out a gun and tries to steady his hand to shoot at the target.
“No Ivan!” I scream releasing the arrow. It misses but I reload anyways. “Just run!” I demand.
Ivan doesn’t argue with me as he takes off. I take off the other way, the bear follows me.
I push my feet harder and run faster. I turn around for an instance to shoot my arrow. It misses the bear by a mile. The grizzly screeches in pain but keeps following me, angry. I need to keep the bear away from the group. But the only way to do that is to keep running. The bear won’t be contempt until it gets its prey. Which, at the moment, is me.