The approach to Oakland Airport took us over a low mountain range and then I could see the city of San Francisco in the distance, fog partially obscuring the Golden Gate Bridge. My breath caught at the emotional punch of being back with James in the place where we had once made a life together. It was also the place where the best and worst days of my life had taken place; to say there were a lot of conflicting thoughts swirling in my head, would have been an understatement.
"I never get tired of seein' that view when I come home from the road," James spoke near my ear as he leaned in close to see out the window.
"I can imagine," I murmured softly, tensing at his closeness.
Spending the last twenty-four hours in almost constant company was also playing havoc with my nerves. I ached to touch him.
He shifted a little then, his arm brushing against mine on the armrest between us. I sucked in a sharp breath at the feel of his skin sliding along mine and I looked to his face, but he was looking out the window, his focus on the view outside. His jaw was clenched tight though, and I knew his show of casualness was just that, a show. He was having maybe an even harder time keeping his desire under control, but he was determined to not do anything that might scare me off from spending the next four days together, even if that meant fighting against the magnetic energy that was pulling us towards each other every moment of the day.
I had agreed to Jamie's pronouncement that I should stay with him going forward, not that he really left me much room to disagree. After the Denver show, we came back to the hotel and he had helped me lug my bags to his suite. He had thoughtfully arranged for a late-night snack to be brought to the room, so we'd put on our sweats and sat on the over-sized couch in the living room, eating and talking quietly, carefully avoiding the heavier subjects. Despite the innocent nature of the evening, it was obvious that we both were distracted by the other. The lingering looks, sentences left hanging, flushed cheeks on more than one occasion; it was almost a relief when James announced that we should retire for the night and set me up in the bedroom while grabbing a blanket and pillows for the couch. I laid awake a long time after the lights went out in the other room, but I knew he wasn't sleeping either.
Now here we were hours later making our descent into the Bay Area, and I was a mass of nerves at the proximity of James and at the uncertainty of what the next few days would bring. Would being back here with reminders of the life we'd shared make it easier to figure things out, or would the specter of our painful breakup only make it that much harder to find our way back to each other?
Once we landed, we were escorted off the tarmac and taken to a parking lot where a couple of limos were waiting to take Lars, Kirk and Jason to their homes for a couple days of downtime. Instead of a limo, someone had brought one of James' trucks from his house and handed him the keys before loading our luggage into the back. Jamie helped me in before hopping into the driver's seat.
Starting the engine, he gripped the steering wheel and let out a long breath. Turning his head to look at me, we just stared at each other. "I can't believe yer here." His voice was hoarse. "With me."
"I know. It feels familiar, but also surreal."
He gave a small smile at that. "So, do you wanna go straight to the hotel and check in or go for a drive?"
"Ugh, I've had enough of hotels. A drive sounds nice."
"Alright then, a drive it is."
He navigated out of the airport and onto the closest freeway while I searched through his tape collection in the glove-box and stuck in a copy of Motorhead's Ace of Spades. The title song blasted out of the speakers and Jamie let out a whoop of approval. We barreled up the freeway with the music blasting and the two of us singing along at the top of our lungs, and I tried not to ruin the moment by focusing on how familiar and surreal it really was.
Instead of heading across the Bay Bridge to San Francisco, James steered the car into Berkeley, and twenty minutes later we were parked in front of our old apartment. He turned off the car and silence settled over us as we stared at our former home. The building looked to have been repainted recently, but other than that, nothing had changed.
"I kept the place for a long time," he spoke up quietly. "I kept payin' the rent on it, long after you'd left; and even though I was tourin' so much and barely there, I couldn't stand to let it go. When Cliff told me you'd moved out, I came back. I remember the first time I walked in and I...I opened the door, and for like a half second, I was convinced you were there and would come runnin' into my arms. The house had never felt as empty as the moment it really hit me that you weren't comin' back." He took a shaky breath and I turned to look at him, tears in my eyes. "I walked into every room and I could feel you everywhere. Every room was a memory of what we'd had...and a reminder of what I'd lost. I sat down on the couch and cried so hard, I thought I was gonna puke."
"I'm sorry Jamie."
He shook his head quickly. "No Lei, don't say that. I brought it all on myself."
I wiped a tear from my cheek. "You know Jamie, all this time I thought I was the only one in pain, the only one who was devastated by what happened to us. But...but I see now that you were going through it too. We both grieved what we lost, even if we were looking at it through different lenses."
We were quiet for a few minutes as memories washed over us both.
"So, what...what made you finally leave?"
He grimaced at my question.
"The ghosts...of us...of you. At first this place was my connection to what we had, but...after a while it just became too much, I was drownin' in pain and guilt. I hated leavin', but I couldn't let you go when I was livin' in our home."
"Our home," I repeated quietly, my eyes drawn back to the two-story building. "We were so happy here." I stopped then. "At least, I thought we were happy."
"We were, it was the happiest time of my life. That part was true, despite how things turned out."
I turned to look at James. "Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I guess at what you were doing?"
"Leila, this wasn't yer fault."
"I'm not saying it was, but...I knew there was something more going on, more than what you were telling me at the time. Why didn't I push harder to get you to be honest with me?"
"I wouldn't have been...honest I mean. I wanted so bad to tell ya—so many times—but I was set on this path and I wasn't gonna stop 'til you were away from me." He stopped suddenly and shook his head as he gave a humorless laugh. "Fuck, it sounds so fuckin' stupid when I say it now. I thought I knew everything; I was so fuckin' sure I knew what was best for you...but now all I can think about is how much time I wasted by bein' scared." He reached out and gripped the steering wheel tight. "I can't believe how bad I fucked up by hurtin' you like that Lei. Somehow, even after all the times you showed me how much you loved me, somehow I still thought...I still thought you'd get over me, you'd find a better life and never give me a second thought." His voice cracked and he stopped and took a deep shuddering breath. "I'm sorry Leila." He turned to look at me then and his eyes were glassy. "I'm sorry for ever thinkin' that our love meant less to you than it did to me. I'm sorry for not believin' that you needed me as much as I needed you. I realize now, that breakin' yer heart was the worst thing I coulda done...to either of us. I'm sorry for fuckin' up so bad. I need you to know how...how sorry I am."
He stopped short and took another deep breath. I caught the shimmer of a tear as it worked down his face and without another thought, I was unbuckling my seatbelt and throwing my arms around him. He stiffened in surprise before quickly wrapping his arms around me and dragging me onto his lap.
"I didn't know whether to hug you or punch you," I murmured against his neck.
"I deserved the punch more," he muttered hoarsely.
I pulled back to look at him and gently wiped the tear from his cheek. "There's still time." I smiled softly.
His eyes widened and then he threw back his head and laughed loudly, hugging me close against his chest as I felt the tension leave his body. We stayed for a long time in companionable silence as we gazed out the window at our former home.
Eventually, I reluctantly removed myself from his lap as we continued the tour of our old haunts, driving by the Berkeley campus, some of the places we played and attended shows at, and eventually rounding out our drive with a stop in front of the MetalliMansion in El Cerrito, where so much of the conception of the early band had taken place. It was bittersweet still, and I could read the wistfulness on Jamie's face and knew that he missed those simpler times when life wasn't so complicated.
The early evening sky was beautiful as we eventually drove over the Bay Bridge and into San Francisco; the sun having just been swallowed whole by the fog, while the lights of the city were just beginning to blink awake. James deftly made his way through the congested city streets, and soon we were pulling into the valet parking of one of the swankiest hotels in town. I expected him to drop me off there and go to his home for the night, but apparently he had no intention of leaving my side when he instructed the porters to grab all the bags in the back of the truck. I kept silent as the hotel manager presented himself and then insisted on escorting us to one of their most luxurious suites. It was a flurry of activity as an army of porters and maids carefully set up our bags, a bottle of champagne was opened and glasses poured, drapes swept open to reveal a spectacular view of the city and bay; all the while, the hotel manager was droning on with his over-rehearsed welcome speech. I tried hard not to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and the sparkle in Jamie's eyes told me he was just barely suppressing the impulse as well. Finally, they all filed out and the silence that followed was a relief.
I watched as James picked up to the two glasses of champagne and came to stand in front of me. I accepted the offered glass and he touched his lightly to mine. "Thank you for agreeing to come with me Lei."
I didn't know what to say, so I just gave a nod and took a hasty sip as I pretended to be interested in the room. The couch caught my attention then and I stopped to look at it. Though it was clearly a high-quality piece, it was styled in a 19th century furniture design and looked to be overly firm and a tad too short for Jamie's 6'1" frame.
"Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable at your own place?" I nodded at the sofa. "That thing looks like lower back pain waiting to happen."
James came to stand beside me, and I watched as he came to the same conclusion. He just shrugged though. "I'll be fine." He looked at me keenly then. "Are ya tryin' to get rid of me?"
I shook my head quickly. "No. I just..." I stopped then and looked away guiltily. "I just know you've been away from your home for a while and I feel bad that you're not spending your few days off there. You could be sleeping in your own bed."
He put a hand to my chin and turned me back to face him. "I told you Leila, I ain't goin' anywhere yer not."
I swallowed hard at that. "You...you've gotta stop saying things like that Jamie," I whispered as I stared up at him.
"Like what?" he asked knowingly, his piercing gaze picking apart whatever pretense of control I thought I was pulling off.
"Things that make me wanna—" I caught myself and stepped back out of his grasp. "So, are you hungry?" I changed the subject quickly. "I'm hungry, really hungry. Should we go out or order in? I'm fine either way," I kept rambling. "Are you hungry? Did I ask you that already?"
"I could eat," he answered slowly, a small smile playing around his lips.
I knew I was acting like an idiot, but god this man was making me lose all sense of reason with just a look.
"I think we should go out." I said it overly loud and almost winced at how ridiculous I was being.
I bolted for the bedroom and closed the door behind me, leaning against it as I scolded myself for my complete lack of cool. With a groan of disgust, I went about changing into something warmer, settling on fitted jeans, a low cut soft grey sweater, and black boots. A little bit of lipstick and I was good enough to go, but more importantly, my nerves were back under control. Back out in the living room, James was lounging on the sofa but jumped up when he saw me, his eyes running over every inch of me.
Fuck!
The nerves were back.
"You loo—" He stopped abruptly and then changed course. "You ready then?"
I nodded shyly and grabbed my coat as he slipped on his leather jacket before escorting us out of the hotel and onto the city streets.
The fog had rolled in and it gave an air of coziness and quiet. James hailed a cab and I jumped in while he gave the driver our destination. A minute later, he was sliding into the backseat beside me.
"Where are we going?" I asked curiously as the taxi merged in with the other cars.
"It's a secret." Jamie's lips were twitching with amusement.
I wrinkled my nose at that. "It's not one of those California nouveau places that serve you a meal the size of a Ritz cracker and charge you a $100 for the honor of eating in their restaurant is it?"
James snorted loudly at that. "Damn Shorty, do you think I've gone off the rock star deep end that bad that I'd choose to eat at a place like that?"
I knew he was joking, but there was an undertone to it. Placing my hand on his, he turned to me in surprise. "I know you wouldn't."
It was a simple statement, but it held a hundred unsaid sentiments. His eyes darkened and his hand closed around mine as he gave a small smile. "You still know me Lei. Better than anyone."
I let that statement go unchallenged, and instead put my head on his shoulder, where it stayed for the rest of the ride.
Twenty minutes later, the cab pulled over. "We're here folks."
I looked out the window at the brightly lit neon sign fixed to the side of a building stuccoed in an outrageous shade of orange. Something about it tugged at my memory.
"Do ya recognize it?"
I nodded my head at James' question. "It seems familiar..." I trailed off.
He handed the driver some cash and then hopped out before coming around to open my door. I climbed out and looked around, realizing we were in the Mission District neighborhood of the city.
"Wait"—I looked at Jamie accusingly—"is this the place I brought you to the first time you came to San Francisco?"
He nodded and smiled at me. "Yep. You kept talkin' about tacos, and damn if I wouldn't have killed for one. You brought me here before we went and saw Cliff play for the first time."
I smiled back at him. "I can't believe you remembered."
"I told ya Lei, I remember all of it." He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment and then motioned for us to walk towards the entrance as he continued, "Anyway, I come here all the time cuz the tacos are still fuckin' amazing." He opened the door for me and leaned close as I walked by him to go in. "And bein' here always makes me feel closer to you."
As soon as we walked in, James was hailed by the restaurant's owner who was manning the cash register. They began chatting like old friends while I was left to think about his words, imagining him driving all the way here just to feel more connected to our past together. Revelations like that were helping fill in the blanks of how he'd spent those six years. Some I didn't want to linger on, but ones like this painted a picture of a person as lonely and lost as I had been. A few days ago, I probably would have gotten angry thinking about the wasted time, but the edge on my anger was blunted now by profound sadness.
I realized then that Jamie was watching me carefully, his brow furrowed in concern. Shaking off my melancholy, I shot him a smile as I added my food order to his. Grabbing our chips, salsa, and drinks, we found a small table near the rear exit and settled into a couple chairs.
I was taking a sip of my Dos Equis beer when James gestured towards the register. "What was that back there? You looked so sad."
I opened my mouth to give some glib reply but then stopped. "I...I was thinking about what you said, about how you used to come here because it reminded you of us. It made me sad to think how miserable we both were." I smiled wanly. "And I'm realizing how much I have to readjust how I imagined you the last six years. I assumed you were living happy and free, never giving me a thought...but I...I see that that's not true. It's...it's like when we first got together, when we found out that we were in love with each other all along. I had to rethink everything you'd ever done, everything you'd ever said to me, because knowing that you were in love with me, it changed every perception I had of you."
He was listening intently and swallowed hard before responding. "That means a lot that yer willing to do that, see me differently I mean. I hated knowin' how bad you musta be thinkin' of me. I mean, that was the point right, make ya fall outta love with me, make ya wanna be as far away from me as possible...but I hated it all the same. And fuck I missed you so much, all the time. But at least I still had my love for you as consolation. I could think about all the times we'd spent together and it made me feel close to you, made me feel good to think about it...even though it came with the pain of knowin' I'd never have that life again. But it was better than nothin'." He stopped then and grimaced. "You though Leila...you didn't have that, you didn't have the comfort of those memories to make things easier. I'm...I'm sure that thinkin' about me did the opposite."
He was watching me unhappily, and for a moment I was tempted to gloss over my feelings.
Be honest Lei.
"You...you're right Jamie, thinking about you, it...it was painful. Every damn time. I kept waiting for it to get better, I kept waiting for the day where I didn't want to cry my eyes out or hit something at the thought of you...but I never got there. The feelings were too deep, the hurt was too deep." I shrugged off-handedly. "But I now I realize it's cuz I never did fall out of love with you. As much as I wanted to forget you...I couldn't."
He reached out and gently ran the back of his fingers down my cheek, his gaze fused with mine. "Cuz you and me Lei were meant for forever."
My heart skipped.
"That's a long time Jamie..." I murmured warily, "are you sure you can commit to forever?"
His face softened as his lips twisted into a small smile. "There's nothin' I want more Leila."
I inhaled sharply at that, but before either of us could say anything, our food showed up to the table.
We were quiet for a few minutes and James watched me as I used the interruption to distract from the conversation as I arranged the plates and utensils on the table. He broke the silence. "Did I freak you out?"
I didn't look at him as I answered. "A little," I mumbled.
He reached over and stayed my hand. "Ok. No more heavy talk tonight. Let's just enjoy our food."
I shot him a grateful smile. He grinned back and then picked up one of the tacos sitting in front of him. Taking a huge bite, half the filling fell out the other end and back onto the plate, and the look he gave was so comical I started to laugh. The rest of the meal was completely relaxed as we ate every bit of the delicious food and enjoyed each other's company.
The owner insisted on sending us off with a bag of traditional Mexican cookies and called us a cab for the ride back to the hotel. We settled into the backseat and my eyes began to droop. I felt James slide an arm around my shoulders, encouraging me to snuggle against him. I promptly fell asleep.
Back at the hotel, he got us up to the suite and I managed to wake up enough to brush my teeth and wash my face. As I got on my pajamas, I could hear him out in the living room setting up the couch for the night. I glanced down at the huge bed I was about to climb into and felt another pang of guilt. Mixed with the guilt though was a rush of desire so strong, that immediately I tamped down on the impulse to offer to have him sleep in the bed with me. He was too much of a temptation in the next room, mere inches away was asking too much of my self-control. Biting my lip, I wandered into the living room to check on his progress. I almost groaned out loud when I walked out to find him bare chested and in low slung sweatpants as he wrestled one-handedly with getting the fitted sheet onto the couch cushions. I jumped to help, and distract myself with anything other than how sexy he looked, and in minutes, we had everything set. We stepped back to admire our handiwork.
"See, it looks perfectly fine," he announced with an overly bright smile.
I raised an eyebrow at his attempt to bullshit me. "Fine huh?" I teased.
As if to prove his point, he laid down on the sofa and stretched out. I was warring between laughing at how ridiculous he looked with his feet dangling off the end, and the overwhelming desire to climb on top of him and curl up against his chest.
A hasty retreat seemed the wise decision. "Well ok then, I...I guess you're all good then." I knew my cheeks were coloring red as I backed towards the door to the adjoining bedroom. "Should I...should I turn off the light?"
He was watching me with dark eyes, and I knew he'd felt the shift in my mood and why. "It's ok Lei, leave the light on." His voice was rough. "I hafta change the dressing on my hand first before bed."
"Do you need help?" I offered without thinking.
He seemed to think about it for a moment and then looked down at his injured arm sheepishly. "Yeah, if you don't mind. Usually someone from the crew helps me out, but since it's just you and me..."
"No, yeah, I get it." I nodded my head. "I...I'm happy to help...of course."
He got up from the couch and I followed him into the other bathroom where he'd spread out his toiletries and medical supplies to care for his injury.
He unrolled the bandaging first and then some gauzy material was removed before I got a look at his injured hand. I let out a small gasp at the horribly mottled skin and dark scabs. Guilt rushed through me. "Oh god Jamie," I whispered as tears pricked at my eyes, "I'm so sorry you were hurt because of me."
He stiffened in surprise. "What are ya talkin' about, it wasn't yer fault."
I raised remorseful eyes to his. "But it was, I know it was. I heard you at the hospital talking to Lars, I know I'm the reason you weren't paying attention and got hurt."
"Aw shit Lei." He rubbed his eyes with his good hand. "You were never supposed to hear that."
"But it's true Jamie, you were distracted by me and everything we were going through and you forgot where you were supposed to stand and then..and then..." Tears were sliding down my cheeks now as I remembered the terrifying moments after his accident.
"Aw baby, come here." He pulled me against him and wrapped his arms around me. "If it was anyone's fault, it was mine for not payin' attention that day cuz I was so stuck in my own head over everything I set into motion six years ago. This was all on me."
I pulled back to look up at him. "I...I almost lost you."
"I know," he said solemnly. "And I woulda never had a chance to tell you everything. I woulda never had a chance to tell you that I never stopped loving you."
I didn't even stop to think. "I love you too Jamie." The words had slipped out involuntarily, but I didn't regret saying them.
I watched the effect of my words as his face mirrored a myriad of emotions: surprise, joy, love, hope. Gently, he touched his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. "Gettin' that close to death Lei"—his words whispered across my face—"I knew I had to make changes to my life, reevaluate all the choices I'd made up to that point. You were my biggest regret though and even so, I was still scared to come to you and tell ya everything. Maybe I was waitin' for a sign...I dunno...but then I found out that you were still in love with me...and I knew I'd been given a chance to try and make things right. I know we have a long way to go...but seein' how quick life can change or be lost forever...I know there's nothin' more important than livin' a life that matters with the person who matters most."
We were silent for a few minutes, our breaths mingling as we stayed still leaning against each other. Finally, I pulled back to look up at him searchingly. What was I waiting for? A sign like James had mentioned, or something else?
Just then, he swiped some hair from my face, and I noticed his injured hand. "Shit, your hand! We're supposed to be taking care of your hand."
Reluctantly, he turned back to the vanity area and proceeded to smear his left hand and arm with salve before I loosely covered the burned areas with fresh gauze. Last came binding his arm with clean bandages, and I stepped close to start wrapping at his shoulder and upper arm. He was watching me closely as I worked, and the combination of his stare and the heat coming from his body was making the task almost impossible.
Swallowing hard, I forced myself to focus and finished up quickly. "There." I stepped away. "That should do it."
He rotated his shoulder and arm in a circular motion, testing the bandages. I took that as a cue to leave. "Ok. Good night then Jamie."
I beat a hasty retreat to the bedroom, flopping down on the bed and mentally castrating myself for being a coward. Sighing, I reached over and turned off the light. A minute later, the light from the other room went off and I couldn't help but imagine James lying there. I wanted him—god knows I wanted him—but more than that, I wanted to feel his arms around me, I wanted to lay in the dark together wrapped up tight, talking quietly until we fell asleep. I wanted there to be no more barriers, real or imagined. I only hoped that the next few days would get us closer to that.
~
The next day we were up, showered, and had eaten breakfast in the room by a decent time. I noticed that James moved slow, and I bit my tongue at the obvious signs that the sofa had in fact be a less than ideal sleeping option. Nevertheless, he had a mid-morning doctor's appointment that I'd insisted on joining him for, so we had little time to waste. Fortunately, the appointment was at a hospital in San Francisco whose clinic for burn victims was world renown. I stayed in the waiting room while he went in with the doctor, but I could barely focus on the magazine I'd been staring at for the last twenty minutes. I kept glancing towards the door, wondering and worrying about what the doctor had to say about James' recovery. I worried still if he'd ever have full use of his hand, and found myself saying a prayer. I wasn't a churchgoer, but that didn't mean I didn't pray from time to time. I figured it couldn't hurt.
Just then the door opened and Jamie came out with the doctor in tow. They were speaking quietly and I had to force myself to stay seated. I had no right to butt in on James' conversation about his health, but I felt my heart in my throat anyway. He needed to be alright.
Finally, he turned and our eyes met. He smiled wide and I let out the breath I'd been holding. I could hear him say thanks and goodbye to the doctor before coming to where I was rising from my chair.
Unexpectedly, he swooped in and pulled me in for a huge hug. We both started laughing and I felt a swell of joy. "It's good news then?" I murmured breathlessly against his ear.
I felt him nod. "No long term affects. I'll have full use of my hand as long as I continue to take care of the burns, let them heal properly, and stick with the physical therapy when the time comes."
I pulled back to look up at him, grinning wide. "I'll help you with all of that; the medication, wrapping the bandages, doing the therapy every day..." I trailed off then in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep."
"You didn't," he insisted quickly.
I plastered an overly bright smile on my face. "I mean, I'm glad I could come here with you today, but I'm sure I'm sure you have a lot of people who'll be able to help you better than me."
"Leila," he spoke quietly, "there's no one else I wanna have around than you, and it means everything that you wanna help." He stopped and smiled at me tenderly. "Thanks for bein' here for me."
I returned his smile shyly and we stood there smiling at each other, oblivious to the roomful of other patients who were staring at us.
Eventually we remembered we weren't alone, and we pulled apart slowly.
"Anyway"—he cleared his throat, his cheeks coloring a little at the attention we were getting—"you won't hafta worry about the bandaging so much." He held up his left hand, which was no longer wrapped in layers of bandages, but rather, a somewhat flesh colored glove.
"Well that's an improvement." I nodded, before arching an eyebrow teasingly. "Does this mean you'll be learning the moonwalk and grabbing your crotch on stage?"
"Is that a Michael Jackson crack?" he asked accusingly.
"Well if the glove fits."
James made to grab me, but I stayed just out of his reach and turned and ran towards the parking garage with him hot on my heels. We were laughing and breathing hard as we climbed back into the truck, and it was a few minutes before either of us could catch our breath. Eventually though, he started up the car and pointed it towards the exit.
"By the way"—I could hear the humor in his voice and was immediately suspicious—"my doctor said that it would help me heal faster if I was given a foot and back massage daily."
I almost choked on laughter. "Foot and back massages...for burns...on your hand?" I shot him a sideways look and could see him struggling to keep a straight face.
"I thought it was strange too," he snickered. "But hey, I'm just a musician, who am I to tell a doctor how to do his job?"
I snort laughed at that so hard, we both started laughing hysterically. I'm pretty sure when we pulled up to pay the parking lot attendant, he thought we'd both lost our damn minds.
~
We spent a couple hours driving around the city before heading east over the bay to see Jamie's house. I had mixed feelings about going. I wanted to see his home and I knew he was excited about showing it to me, but I was also dreading being in the place that he'd spent time with his ex. It made my skin crawl. I tried to keep my face from showing how much it was bothering me though.
Winding through the hills of a suburban residential neighborhood, it seemed like the last place one would think to find the home of the reigning king of metal, but then, it completely suited James. Unassuming, quiet, classic Americana.
Soon we pulled up to the driveway of a house, the only feature differentiating it from the other houses was the high gate around the property. "Yeah, I feel a bit like a pretentious asshole havin' the fence," James explained as he punched in a code and we waited for the gates to swing open, "but one too many times coming home to find fans camped out in the yard and jumpin' outta the bushes, I realized it was time for a little more security. The neighbors aren't thrilled... but fuck 'em."
He shot me a mischievous smirk and I giggled, enjoying the easiness between us. He pulled up in front of the two-car garage and I slid out of the truck and came around to get a better look at the house. It was modest in size, nothing ostentatious, even for the boy who'd once lived on nothing more than a mattress on the floor and regularly resorted to taping his shoes back together. I could feel him watching me.
"I know it ain't nothin' fancy, but—"
"No, it's great. It suits you."
He grinned wide at that and after fishing the keys out of his pocket, we went inside.
He toured me around the house, showing me the living room, his music and recording space, and then to the back yard, where unexpectedly, there was a spectacular view of the bay, San Francisco, and the mountains of Marin.
"This is why I bought this place," Jamie explained as he came to stand next to me as I took it all in. "I just needed a place to keep my shit while I'm on the road, something simple that I didn't have to spend a lot of time and money takin' care of. I saw this view though and that made the decision easy. I come out here all the time, watch the sun go down, look at the lights at night. Do a lot of my writin' and thinkin' here."
"I can see why," I murmured. "It's amazing, what more do you need?"
He snorted at that. "Lars bought himself a huge ass mansion with the first checks from this last album."
"Typical Lars," I laughed. "He's always loved the lifestyle."
"Yeah he has." James laughed too as we continued gazing at the vista. "He was itchin' to live the high life back when we were playin' high schools and shitholes...guess he got his wish."
"Oh please," I teased him, "as I recall, your wish was to be the biggest band on the planet, selling out stadiums...looks like your dream came true too."
He was still staring at the view, but I was surprised to see his brow furrow as I watched him from the corner of my eye. "Makin' it big with the band...that was the plan"—I could hear the emotion in his voice—"you and me, that was always the dream."
His words washed over me and through me, filling me with a potent sense of familiarity. Growing up, our futures and our dreams had always been intertwined, and when we'd gotten together, it was clear just how much that was true. Marriage, children, forever; even if we hadn't really spoken about them, somehow we'd always known it was meant for us. Later it had seemed like a cruel joke, planning for a future he had no intention of sharing with me; so even though I knew now that he had been sincere, I couldn't let go of the fact that he'd almost had that future with someone else. This house might have been their home, filled with their children.
I realized then he was waiting for me to say something, and I was standing there unable to speak. The smile faded from his face. "What is it Leila?"
"If I hadn't shown up, you...you were gonna marry her Jamie," I murmured forlornly.
He shook his head emphatically. "Leila, I told you...I was never gonna marry her."
"How can you know that for sure? Maybe...maybe you'd be in there right now picking out wedding invitations."
He ran a hand through his hair as he looked at me with sorrowful eyes. "I know I hurt you by lettin' things get that far with her."
I looked away, feeling simultaneously justified and ashamed of my jealousy. "And I know it's silly of me on some level—you couldn't have known we'd cross paths again—but...it's all I can think about being here right now. That this...this might have been your home...with her."
He let out a deep sigh and then tentatively reached for my hand. I didn't resist as he pulled me over to a picnic table set up in a corner of the yard. I sat down and he came around to sit across from me, and we just sat there looking at each other. My stomach was tied in knots and I knew this was the moment I'd been dreading and anticipating since the moment he'd asked me if I was willing to give him another chance. We needed to talk. I needed to ask my questions and hear his answers, and he needed to hear mine. There would be no moving forward until this conversation was had, and maybe moving forward would prove to be impossible. It was terrifying. Judging by James' face, he was as scared as me.
"When we broke up and then Cliff was killed, I...I went off the deep end. I didn't give a shit about anything, I drank so much I ended up getting my stomach pumped, twice." He stopped at my swift intake of breath and gave me a bleak smile. "Yeah, I know, I was an idiot. But I didn't care how bad I was fuckin' up. I was tryin' to do everything I could to keep from feelin' the pain, so I drank, took stupid risks, drivin' too fast, broken bones, fights...I didn't care, I just wanted to do anything to keep from stoppin' and havin' to think. Eventually"—he stopped again, and his eyes turned apologetic—"I began to use women to fill the void. It took a while before I could even consider it, the thought of bein' with anyone but you, it made me sick to think about." He swallowed hard and leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. "But one night after a show, I did it." He stared down hard at the table and I could see his jaw was clenched tight. "I'd barely finished and I was out the door...puking out in the street from all the vodka I had to down just to get up the nerve in the first place."
He paused for a moment and I had to force myself to stay seated. I needed to hear what he had to say, but it didn't mean it wasn't killing me all the same.
"I made myself do it again and again," he continued, "but...it wasn't about bein' intimate or connecting with someone, it was about losin' myself in the moment. I'd try and get to that place where everything would fall away, and I'd picture you in my head and I could almost feel you, you were so close. But it was never close enough, it always felt wrong, and I'd just end up feelin' even emptier after." He stopped again and I could feel him looking at me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "I'm so fuckin' sorry Lei, I hate this."
"Me...me too," I whispered.
He let out a heavy sigh. "I was pretty outta control, and I'd imagine you seein' me like that, and I'd feel so damn ashamed. I'd think about what we had, about how amazing and special it was, and I'd see what I was doin' by tryin' to lose myself in sex and booze and I felt disgusted...I hated myself." His voice thickened with emotion. "I didn't get it until what you said it so me in Boston, but I guess maybe I was tryin' to be the total fuck up I'd always thought I was. I wrapped myself up tight in the hate that I'd created, and with both you and Cliff gone...there wasn't anyone to call me on my shit... well no one that I'd listen to." He paused and rubbed the back of his neck. "But see, that's bullshit though, cuz I shoulda been callin' myself out on how I was actin'. But like I said, hatin' myself became my new normal. Besides, what was the point of bein' better, I'd already blown up the one thing that really mattered?"
We were quiet for a moment as I digested everything he'd said. "It...it sounds lonely."
I finally met his gaze and he shook his head. "Don't Lei, don't do that. Don't feel pity for me baby."
His face contorted with pain and remorse and I had to keep myself from reaching to take his hand. I took a breath instead and pushed forward. "Is...is that why you started a..."—I faltered a little—"a relationship with Kristen?"
He nodded slowly. "I was so lost Lei...so fuckin' lost. I realized I couldn't keep livin' my life like I had, I needed to tether myself to something, anything."
"I understand," I said quietly, my emotions stretched so tight, I couldn't make myself speak any louder. "You needed somebody, and she...she was there for you."
"You gotta understand this Lei"—his eyes were pleading with me—"there was nothin' romantic about Kristen and me. I mean, I was a fuckin' mess and she saw an opportunity."
"But...but what did you get out of it?"
"I...I thought I'd get some kind of normal back in my life ya know? She likes to control things, so I thought maybe I could use some of that, help me get my shit together."
"How'd that work out?"
"'Bout as good as you'd expect knowin' me." His lips twisted into a grim smile. "We spent most of our time together arguing over stupid shit. What I wore, what I said, who I spent time with...it became real obvious real quick, she didn't have any interest in actually bein' with me, she just liked the lifestyle I could provide her."
"And you actually went along with the marriage thing?" I asked in amazement.
"Yeah well, goin' along with that whole shit show engagement was the second stupidest thing I've ever done." He let out a long breath. "I...I'm just really fuckin' bad at this." I looked at him in confusion. "At people stuff," he answered as if that explained everything. "I'm a black and white guy. Is or isn't. Do or don't. When things aren't black or white, I don't know what to do and I usually make things worse. I thought I was doin' the right thing by makin' the big commitment, goin' down the respectable path. But it's all bullshit if yer not with the person you actually love. When my accident happened I took a hard look at all the choices I'd made, and I realized that given the choice between livin' a lie and bein' alone, I'd take bein' alone in a heartbeat." He stopped talking then and slowly reached out to take my left hand. Turning it over, he gently rubbed his thumb over the same spot on my finger where he'd once placed the ring he'd given me. "I don't wanna live the rest of my life fillin' up the emptiness with partying and women, I don't wanna keep punishin' myself, and I don't wanna keep pretending like my life has any kinda meaning when yer not here sharin' it with me." His hand squeezed mine reflexively. "As much as I want to, I can't take back the shit I did while we were apart, but I can promise that there won't be anyone else but you. I don't want all that other stuff; not cuz it's expected of me or shoved in my face, and not to satisfy my fuckin' ego. I'm all in with you Leila."
He stopped again and sat staring down at my hand in his. Finally, he looked up and caught my gaze. I could read the honesty in his eyes and I watched the emotions that passed over his face. I could see that he was scared but hopeful, wondering if his words had swayed me at all. They had. If I was honest, it made me sad to some extent to see the life that James had accepted for himself. No love, no trust, no connections. Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised considering he'd always guarded his true self from everyone but the people closest to him. Without anyone in his life he could really trust, he'd created a mock version of normal but with no depth. It certainly tempered some of my pain and jealousy, and I almost felt guilty for still feeling them.
I caught myself then. I was still allowed my feelings too.
"I hear you saying all this Jamie," I whispered as I pulled my hand from his, "and my brain understands, it makes sense, it's even reasonable...but I'm so fuckin' hurt by it. I hate that we'll never get back the innocence of what we had. I hate that our story isn't just you and me anymore...other people have taken a piece of what was mine, what was yours..." I drew in a ragged breath. "I know what I'm feeling is naive. I don't know how to look at you and not see the boy I loved, because he's gone, and that Jamie and Leila are gone...and I'm so fucking angry...and so fucking sad." I felt a tear escape my eye and I ignored it as I stared at James sitting across from me. "I wanna be the girl who knew without a doubt that you would never hurt her."
I could hear his breath catch, and he gripped his hands together in front of him as he bowed his head. Many minutes went by before he spoke. "I haven't really given you any reason to trust me have I?" He raised his gaze to mine and the sorrow I saw there made my chest ache. "You put your faith in me that I would love you and protect you, and I ended up sacrificing one for the other." He was quiet again. "Would you...would you give me time then Lei...time to prove myself to you? I can't talk you into trustin' me again, all I can do is show you—everyday—that I'm worthy of you. Worthy, not like when we were young and I just couldn't understand why you gave a shit about me...I mean worthy enough to earn yer trust back. Worthy enough for you to wanna spend the rest of yer life with me."
That one left me winded. "What are you asking for Jamie?"
He rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat awkwardly. "I'm askin'—real badly too—to let me court you like they did when our parents were young. Spend time together, reconnect, remind ourselves of what we had and could have again. I dunno how to get you to trust me again Lei, but I can start by declaring to the whole fuckin' world that yer my girl and I'm yer guy, and no one comes between that. No one. Not even me."
"Wait...you wanna date?"
He blushed. "When you say it like that...it sounds dumb."
I started giggling. "I guess it's better than asking me if we should 'go together' like in junior high," I snickered.
His blush deepened and my giggling got worse. James just watched me, a grin spreading across his face.
"I...I'm sorry!" I could barely get the words out as I held up a hand in apology.
He just shook his head and laughed softly. "I always knew things were gonna be ok whenever you laughed. No matter how bad things seemed, if you found a reason to laugh, there was hope for things to get better."
I took a deep breath, trying to smother my laughter. It took a few minutes for me to get a handle on myself. I felt terrible for my inappropriate response to his suggestion. "I'm sorry for that. I...I just...courting? You wanna court me?"
"Yeah ok, maybe that was a stupid choice of words. I guess what I'm askin' for is time together."
"Isn't that what we've been doing already? Spending time together so we can figure things out?"
"Yeah, but this was a temporary fix. I don't want this to be just some experiment Lei, I want this to be our life, together." He leaned forward, his eyes penetrating past my fears. "We can't go back to what we had, so we start fresh, right now. We take the pressure off of tryin' to recreate what we had and we work on building something new. Something even better." He stopped talking and sat back and waited.
I thought over everything he'd said, and I knew it in my bones that he'd been straight with me about all of it. And he was right, he couldn't just talk his way back into me trusting him again, and playing this game of second guessing myself and what I wanted every other second, well that sure as hell wasn't getting me anywhere either. The bottom line was, I wanted to be with him but I was terrified. If we were going to rebuild what was broken, then it seemed that the best place to start over...was at the beginning.