Chapter Seven
"Feelings on the Line"
Dani Rouge Gustilyo's Point of View
Never in my life have I ever heard someone say he wanted to protect me. Never have I ever heard one say it in my life. I used to be the one to say that to my family, to my sister and my two brothers that no matter what happens I will always be there for them and I will always protect them.
Theo was the first person to have sworn himself that he'll protect me.
Hindi ako makasalita buhat nang nabigla ako dahil sa sinabi nito sa Mom niya. Kahit ang Mom nito ay nabigla din, but she was quick to shift her expression into something pleased — no— rather proud of her son.
"You didn't really have to do that for me." I confronted Theo as soon as he's inside his room. Sinundan ko ito. "Akala ko wala kang paki-alam sa akin? So ano 'yun?" Tanong ko sa kaniya nang makapasok ako sa kwarto niya.
I wanted to reassure myself about what he was feeling. Bakit bigla nalang itong nagiging protective sa akin?
"I told you once, I just don't want how things work inside the house." Lumingon si Theo sa akin at tumama na naman ang tingin naming dalawa. God, those eyes. It'll bore you to death, pero ang sarap lang titigan.
I was so deep in thought, na hindi ko pala alam na ang susunod na sinabi nito sa akin ay makakasakit. "I don't really care about you."
"You dont?" I asked again, I was trying to compose myself not to breakdown in front of him. "Then what about Eric? You took the flowers he gave me. You helped me see my mom, and now you want to protect me. Now tell me Marco, hindi ba 'yun pag-aalala?" Napagtaasan ko siya ng boses. I know wala akong karapatan itanong ito sa kaniya dahil matanda siya sa akin ng dalawang taon, at dahil isa lang naman akong pusa sa bahay. Pero gusto ko lang malaman ang katotohanan kung ano ba 'tong pinaparamdam sa akin ni Theo.
Dahil it confuses me.
He confuses me.
I saw him clench his fist. "They don't mean anything Rouge. Stop making assumptions and putting your feelings on the line. Wala 'yun. WALA LANG LAHAT NG IYON. Whatever you are thinking, erase that shit out of your mind. Because I. Don't. Care. About. You." Galit na galit ito na sumigaw sa akin.
Napalunok naman ako. This was the first time he yelled and got angry at me. I tried not to flinch my eyes just so I could show him, I wasn't affected with those staggering words he yield infront of me. But I am a weakling and that left me crying. But I managed to storm outside his room and went inside my own room.
I started crying myself again.
Assumera kasi ako.
I know that for the past few weeks of being here, I was an emotional wreck. Dahil paminsan hindi ko na macontrol ang sarili ko at napapaiyak na lang and here's that episode again. Alam mo 'yung feeling na basta-basta ka nalang magiging fragile dahil mabigat ang dinadala mong emosyon? Kasi no matter how hard you try to keep things inside, they will still overflow. And now, I'm overflowing with emotions already.
It took me time to fix myself again and wipe the tears off my face. I reminded myself:
"I shouldn't be acting like this."
Bumangon na ako atsaka pumasok sa loob ng banyo para maligo. Inalis ko ang suot-suot kong wig atsaka ko na nakitang humahaba na ang buhok ko. Hanggang balikat ko na pala ito.
Pagkatapos kong maligo ay lumabas naman ako ng banyo atsaka nagdamit ng pambahay. Atleast kahit sa bahay hindi ako pinapasuot ng night gown o damit pambabae. Atleast naka pajama padin ako sa bahay na'to.
After finishing up. Lumabas na ako para magdinner.
I was served mashed potato and nothing else, kahit na may mga nakahanda namang putahe sa hapag. I need to be mindful of what I eat, kasi I need to watch my weight and I had no choice but to eat what was on my plate. Theo was just looking at me, and I know that look and I shrugged that godamn thought off my mind. I know he's sympathising but he doesn't care about me. End of sentence.
I didn't look at him instead I continued eating and when I was done, I went back inside my room para matulog nang maaga.
...
"Dani's perfectly fine." Ani ng doctor kay Mom. "Maybe we'll start the treatment as soon as macontrol na ang diet niya and if he'll get used to the situation he's right in, after all he needs to be prepped up." Prescribed ng doctor sa kaniya. "It would take years for the effect so we'll gradually treat him step by step. I say we can start the treatment as soon as he's ready. As soon as Dani is ready." He suggested.
Nandito na kasi ang doctor na magche-check up para sa akin. I don't actually know what this is all about but I guess its health related.
Mom was sitting on the couch while talking to the doctor. Isang physician ang kausap niya. And it was related to a hormonal therapy. 'Di ko masyadong ma-alala ang pinaguusapan nila because it was too scientific and I am not in a good mental state to even butt my thoughts in.
But if it's about hormonal therapy. Maybe they're pursuing it. To make me a woman.
I don't even know where my place is. Kasi hindi ko alam kung kailangan bang sumalungat ako sa gusto nila o hindi.
But again, it was Theo who confronted his Mom about this therapy.
I heard him talking to his Mom about it later that night. "Mom, do you really want Dani to become a woman?" Nakatalikod lang ito habang kinakausap si Mom nito na abala sa pagbabasa ng libro.
"Yes and why?"
"I don't really think it's right. I don't even think Dani deserve to be one." He answered. "Oo lang siya ng oo sa gusto niyo pero alam kong ayaw niya ng mga ginagawa niyo para sa kaniya." He explained.
Truth be told ayaw ko rin naman nang pinapagawa nila sa akin. That they are turning me to be someone I wasn't supposed to be. And I know labag naman ito sa kalooban ko. But I wanted to sacrifice myself in the first place, kasi nga I was a sacrificial lamb and needed to say yes to what they want me to do.
There is no reason for me to reject their wants.
...
If there is one thing I hate.
It's indecisiveness.
Dahil whenever I'm put into choosing choices, I set my mind into one choice only. Hindi na ako magdadalawang isip pa.
I know Theo is indecisive right now. He keeps on denying that he cares about me, at hindi nito ine-explain ang sarili niya sa akin. I am trying to understand him but I guess I will just find out about it if I try to get more under his skin.
I couldn't even hate him. Despite the fact that he keeps on hurting me with his words, hindi ko kayang magtanim ng sama ng loob sa kaniya. I believe there is something wrong with him.
Simula ngayong araw, wala nang susunod na escort sa amin, after days of persuasion, Theo's Mom finally conceded with the idea of Theo watching over me. Pinagbigyan ang kahilingan ni Theo na wala nang bumuntot sa amin na escort. But in one condition, that he'll take care of me instead.
I was relieved. Kasi finally I can have privacy and I'm glad na kahit alam kong magulo ang utak ng lalaking nasa tabi ko he did his best to take care of me — although he keeps on denying na wala siyang paki-alam sa akin.
Si Theo na rin ang maghahatid sundo sa akin. Papagamitin na kasi sa kaniya ang mamahaling sports car na rinegalo daw sa kaniya ng lolo niyang noong birthday niya simula ngayon.
It was my first time being inside his car. The upholstery of the car was grey and it smells just like him, he clicked something para bumaba ang bubong nito. It was a convertible red sports car.
He started revving his engine atsaka na kami umalis at habang nasa daan ay wala kaming imikan. Hindi parin kaming dalawa naguusap.
The silence sure was deafening, hindi rin si Theo nagpeplay ng music sa loob and it made the silence even worse. So I opted to ask him something instead.
"I heard you talked to your Mom about the treatment." Panimula ko sa kaniya. Wala naman akong makakausap tungkol dito, at ayaw ko namang itago ang kuryosidad ko.
He didn't respond at nakatingin lang ito sa daan ng diretso kaya napahawak ako ng kamay niya na nasa manibela. Hinayaan niya lamang ako. "I truly appreciate what you are doing Marco pero," I trailed off. "Wala naman akong magagawa sa kagustuhan nila."
Lumingon ito sa akin at tumingin ulit sa daan, "You have a choice Dani." He answered in his usual tone, parang 'di ito galit ngayon.
"But the problem is you don't speak your mind about it. Oo ka lang ng oo pero I know you don't like what they're doing to you." He added.
"I know." Napatingin naman ako sa paa ko. "But I was a sacrificial lamb."
"No you are not, you're more than that. The problem with you is that you're degrading yourself. At 'di mo na iniisip ang sarili mo. You just want to make everyone happy to the fact that you forget about yourself." He retorted habang nakatingin sa daan ng seryoso.
"You're more than a sacrificial lamb. I hate seeing you degrade yourself. You're more than what you think you are."
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