the night sky felt darker as dark clouds gloomed over our heads. just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, it started to pour. sangyeon immediately pulled me into shelter.
continuing the conversation we had earlier, sangyeon shrugged and said, "i'm not sure if he would want to see you. he barely talks to me and we live in the same house."
i nodded in agreement. "i know." i mumbled softly before looking back into his eyes again. "but i need to talk to him. at least, i need to try."
sangyeon stayed quiet and stood still with his head hung low. uneasiness was shown on his face.
i took a deep breath and exhaled before making my final appeal. "i know how much he means to you, sangyeon. he's your brother. you're both related by blood. and i'm just... an outsider.
"but i need to see him. even if it's for the last time. please, let me just talk to him."
the rain started to fade slowly and the road was moonlit. sangyeon sighed and walked to his car without looking back at me even once.
"sangyeon, plea-"
"get in." he said. "i'll take you to him."
my pupils dilated. i hurriedly entered the car after he did. the drive was so quiet, it was almost sickening. neither of us said anything. i just felt thankful that sangyeon would finally let me see him.
i reached the brothers' house and got in after sangyeon opened the door. we made our way up the stairs and towards the very end of the hall, where juyeon's room was located.
we were both finally standing in front of juyeon's room. i had my hands behind my back to hide the nervousness that was enveloping me. my legs, though, couldn't stop shaking.
sangyeon lightly knocked on the door. "juyeon?" he called. "haneul's here."
there was no answer from the other side. still, i kept waiting. i didn't almost get on my knees before sangyeon to just head home without talking to him.
sangyeon grabbed my wrist. "i think he's asleep. you should really g-"
"come in." juyeon said, faintly. "haneul." he continued.
i looked at sangyeon and forced a nervous smile before slowly opening the door and stepping in deliberately.
there he was, after a long time. the absence of him in my life was horrible. every second i spent without him felt painful. i wanted to see him so bad. i wanted to tell him how much he means to me. but i couldn't make it into words, neither could i even see him.
sangyeon lightly tapped on my shoulder. i stopped walking and turned to him. "i'll be downstairs." he mouthed. i replied with a smile and made my way deeper into the room.
juyeon was sitting on his bed with his body facing the empty wall. he tapped on the empty space beside him, and i then sat there.
"hi." i said, trying my best to hide the true emotions i felt at the time. my hands, that were placed on my lap, were trembling though.
juyeon quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. "you're shaking." he said, staring blankly at my hands. "why?"
i let out a loud sigh. "i'm sorry. it's just... i haven't met you in a while and i'm really worried about-"
i couldn't finish my sentence as he held my chin up and planted a soft kiss on my lips. "i missed you." he said with that calming voice of his.
juyeon finally shook all my anxiety away and made me smile. it felt like the first time we met. his presence was everything i ever needed.
i was about to break into tears but i managed to hold back. "i'm so sorry i wasn't there for you. i never showed up because i was afraid and thought that you needed some time for yourself. i know, that was selfish of me."
juyeon let go of my hand and stood up. i was again flooded with anxiety. maybe sangyeon was right. i shouldn't have insisted to see him and i should've given him even more time.
i shot up. "i'm sorry. this isn't right. i shouldn't have shown up just like this. i'll leave now." i said before making my way to the door.
"i haven't seen the sky for a long time." he said so suddenly. i stopped dead in my tracks and turned back to him to find him just looking at me with a blank expression. "i chose not to. because everytime i look up at the sky, i see you. it's your name that pops up in my head, haneul. and whenever that happens, it gets harder for me."
"w-what do you mean?"
he looked down onto the ground, took a deep breath and exhaled before looking back at me. "i promised my brother six months and that's what i'm giving him."
"six months? six months of what?" i asked again with my voice raised up a little.
juyeon sighed. "i can't live like this anymore, haneul." he answered as tears started to flow down his cheeks.
i didn't want to think about anything bad neither could i think of anything good. "no! do you even know what you're saying?!" i exclaimed, running towards him and grabbing his shirt between my fingers.
"juyeon, this is not you! i know well enough and i know you would never say anything like that." i said as i pulled him into my arms.
"i'm sorry. you need to leave." said juyeon. i didn't move a bit but proceeded to hug him tight. he tried his best to push me off and i ended up on the floor as a crying mess.
the door shot open. sangyeon had just barged in. "what's going on?" he asked, rushing towards me and helping me up. "are you alright?"
"please. get out." said juyeon before sangyeon dragged me out of the room and into the kitchen.
my body kept on insisting. i wanted to go to juyeon and tell him everything he needed to know. that he doesn't need to feel that way and that i'm sorry, again.
in the kitchen, sangyeon held me by my shoulders and looked directly into my eyes.
"haneul." he called. "haneul, look at me."
i tried to stop crying. my shoulders moved up and down involuntarily. "why didn't you tell me anything?" i asked, quite furious.
sangyeon sat me down on one of the chairs at the counter and then sat down in front of me. "because i didn't want to hurt you anymore. i could see how much you kept on pressuring yourself, just thinking about him. i wanted you to stay as far away from him as possible. because i only want the best for both of you."
i took a deep breath to finally stop crying. "and you're just gonna let him do it? don't you want to save him?"
sangyeon sighed deeply. "haneul, i want him to live, but only if he wants to live."
i stared at sangyeon silently with my eyes still watery. i didn't know what to say. at the moment, i only felt like running away. but i knew i couldn't just leave juyeon like that.
"how much time does he have left?" i finally spoke.
"about four months." sangyeon answered quickly.
i went speechless again as i dropped my head onto the table, realizing how imbecilic i was to disappear for two whole months. sangyeon held my arm firmly. "listen, haneul." he said softly. i held my head back up again and waited for sangyeon to speak out.
"maybe i was wrong. maybe i should've let you see him much earlier." he said, fiddling with his fingers. "you know, it took me a long time to accept his decision. and i finally did when i lost all hope. but just now was the most i've seen him speak. and now, i guess i'm starting to see hope again, haneul."
although what sangyeon said somehow made me a little pleased, i stayed quiet as i didn't know what to say. all i did was give him a little smile.
"i'm sorry. i know i shouldn't pressure you more but y-"
"no, i understand his choice and i'll try to accept it. i can help him but i, too, need your help."
"of course. anything you need." he said with a smile that showed how much weight had fallen off his shoulders.
i stood up and wiped my tears away. "i'll come back tomorrow." i said as i made my way out of the house.
"how are you gonna go back hom-"
"i'll get a cab." i shouted from the front door.
"sure. i'll call you!" sangyeon responded from the kitchen.