If I hadn't heard myself say those words just now, I never would have believed the instant and overdramatic reaction from both of the boys.
Lumiere shot onto his feet and was now circling around the room, praying for my sanity and completely forgetting his surveillance over Dustin who had roughly forced himself upright despite how his ribs poked at his lungs. He splinted his chest with the broad side of his arm while he fired an interrogation at me.
"You can't be serious, please tell me you're joking." He didn't give me the chance to answer, "The only thing I need to do is take the ingredients to the Council. So if this is indeed a joke, now is the time to end it because it isn't funny."
I was prepared for this, "Let me explain-"
"Dear lord! If you are listening, please heal her mind from the demons trying to infiltrate her poor pure soul!" Lumiere cried out to the heavens.
"Why would you even suggest something like that? I went through all of this for the sole purpose of taking the ingredients to the Council." Dustin continued.
"Save her lord, help her find her sanity!" Lumiere crooned.
But I'll admit, I was not ready for this headache.
"Hush, both of you!" I demanded only loud enough to be heard over their combined frenzy. I pointed at Lumiere, "Especially you, I am not losing my sanity or being infiltrated by demons."
Lumiere was less than convinced, "That is the only explanation for why you are acting so possessed."
My headache intensified, "Just listen to me-"
"What you just said is ridiculous, and we don't have time for that." Dustin cradled my face in his free hand; so very carefully, as if I might slip away. And I hated feeling like water in his palm, "I think I understand, you are just trying to help. I get it, I really do. You think something is going to happen to me when I take the ingredients to the Council, right?"
Did my answer even matter?
"Unfortunately, we don't have any other choice." He wasn't going to listen, I knew that before I entered this room, "So I am going to take these vials to the Council and -"
"No. You are not." I responded just as softly as he, "Regardless of the options you think we don't have, I can't let you keep making sacrifices. Especially not this one. Just look at yourself Dustin, you are going to get yourself killed trying to protect the rest of us."
Dustin tried to sit straighter but the movement brought him obvious discomfort. Unconvincingly, he said, "What are you talking about? I am fine."
"No." I decided for him, and repeated, "You are not."
"If I don't take the vials to the Council, they won't be able to make the cure. And if they can't make the cure, then you die. Don't you understand that?" Dustin wasn't angry, more like baffled. He did not understand my hesitation, the same way I did not understand his desire for self mutilation for if he returns to the Council, violence and pain is all he will find. Still he tried to persuade me, "I have to bring the ingredients to the Council, it is the only way."
"If you bring them those vials, then you will die. Don't you understand that?" Could he truly not see the truth behind the Count's deceitful plan? This was never about me, or about saving me for that matter. This was always about having something to hold against Dustin, to force his will. Count Marx initiated this game, and we are playing the role of pawn so perfectly for him, "They won't just let you leave after you deliver the ingredients, Count Marx will never allow it. They will lock you away again and this time, we won't be able to save you."
Lumiere rubbed at the back of his neck and he nervously cleared his throat, "You know ... she has a point-"
"Shut up." Dustin bit at him, "She doesn't have a point."
I knocked his hand away from me, suddenly quite upset that he had the impudence to touch me so gently while speaking so boldly to his friend. Dustin did not yet know of Lumiere's sacrifice, so I could not blame him in full. But it angered me that Dustin was being so brazen to a man who just gave up his entire life in order to protect him. If only Dustin knew what has become of Lumiere's status, he would not be so harsh.
I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, "Don't talk to him like that, Dustin."
Dustin glanced between Lumiere and I. Then rolled his eyes at us both and massaged his temples, "So you're teaming up against me, is that it?"
"We are not teaming up. I am the one who came here to talk to you, not him. I am the one you should be mad at if you feel so inclined." I almost thought I had gone too far, then I remembered Brandon once said Dustin wouldn't have fallen in love with me if I made things easy. So why change now, "I am the one trying to knock some sense into you since you have seemingly gone suicidal."
Lumiere bit his lip and seriously considered staying silent, then he regrettably added, "She has another point."
Dustin's eyes closed and his teeth clenched, "Lumiere, I swear to God-"
"I'm just saying – you know – I don't necessarily think her plan is a great one but maybe we should consider her perspective because she isn't completely wrong either." Lumiere was trying desperately to keep the peace, "I agree with you Dustin, our priority should be getting the vials to the Council so they can begin making the cure for Sadie's sake."
"Good." Dustin ground out, "End of discussion."
"But," Lumiere continued quickly, "I agree with Sadie as well. We can't send a sheep to the wolves, they will eat you alive. Count Marx has been waiting for this his entire life, long before any of us were born. He has been planning and strategizing and scheming for this precise moment to make sure it happens exactly the way he wants it to. Do you really think that sadistic asshole is just going to let you walk away?"
"That doesn't matter." Dustin grumbled.
"Yes it does." I argued.
"This conversation is over, Sadie." The way he said my name just then was damn near insulting – as though it tasted of vinegar – and it made my ears ring with white noise to hear him so repulsed, "I am going to bring the ingredients to the Council. It is not up for debate, it has to be done."
"But not like this." I told him. I refused to give up, I had to get my point across before it was too late, "What if there were another way-"
"This is no other way." Dustin boomed. He winced and one hand wrapped tightly around his torso. He hadn't been prepared for such a vocal outburst and the power behind his declaration sent vibrations through his midsection. His other hand fisted at his side and his eyes closed to concentrate on breathing, his voice evened, "If we make one wrong move, you die. It is as simple as that. I will not risk your life just to spare my own."
He did not hear his words the same way I did. To him, his decision sounded like a battle cry of great victory. To me, it just sounded like a broken record. The same tune I have heard over and over again, one that foretold of death and anguish.
"I am sorry if you don't like it but I am doing this to protect you." He said calmly.
My throat closed unexpectedly, "I have heard that before. But what if I were laying in that bed and you were trying to convince me to not sacrifice myself to the Council? We both know you would do the exact same thing that I am trying to do."
"Don't turn this around." Dustin ordered, "This isn't about me."
"Has it ever occurred to you that I don't want to be protected this way?"
"I don't expect you to understand." His tone was so cold, "I will not put your life in jeopardy just because you are scared of what might happen."
Sudden tears stung at my eyes at the sheer absurdity of those words, "You think I am scared?"
Dustin leaned back against his pillows, calm and collected, never breaking eye contact with me, "I know you are scared, Sadie. I can see it in your eyes." Some fraction of his amnesty returned, "It is okay that you're scared, it is better that way to be honest. It makes you cautious and that is important, but we can't let our fears dictate our actions."
How could he say that to me? How dare he lecture me on being scared.
Me, of all people.
"Of course I am scared, Dustin. I have been scared since the night I saw you shoot a man in an alley while I hid behind a dumpster. The same night, let's not forget, that you kidnapped me and brought me a hundred miles from my home to where I would later be chained to a pipe for weeks while a group of complete strangers fought and murdered people right in front of me." My voice was rising but I didn't dare stop, "I have been running on fear and adrenaline and false hope since the second I got here. You have the nerve to tell me I am scared?" The audacity of this man was unbelievable, "I am fucking terrified!"
Lumiere was shifting anxiously from one foot to the other, inching towards the door, "Um ... maybe I should go-"
"Stay." Dustin and I ordered simultaneously, Lumiere froze mid step.
Dustin rubbed at his forehead, "I'm sorry Sadie, I didn't mean it like that-"
"Yes you did. You meant every word." I fired back at him. He might be able to lie to himself but I will enlighten the hell out of him if he thought I was going to accept these excuses, "You may not have meant to say it out loud, but you definitely meant it."
He was shocked by my blunt aggression and my words hurt him more than I thought they would, "That's not it at all. You know I would never mean to-"
"Are you kidding? You did this to me Dustin, you are the one who brought me here. Maybe I wasn't happy living with my father but I also wasn't fighting for my life every damn day! I didn't have a plan for the future but at least I had a future! What do I have here?" The words tumbled from my mouth without hope of cessation and every syllable was doused with more blame than the last, "What do I honestly have here if you decide to go to the Council? An empty room where the man I love used to live?"
His eyes snapped towards mine and for the first time in so long, he saw me for what I truly was. Not strong or powerful or resilient. He did not see a warrior or a leader, or someone able to walk the path of a hero. He did not see someone worthy of the Tribe sigil.
He saw that I was weak.
And he saw that I was far beyond scared.
"Do you know how many times I have watched you die? Every nightmare is the exact same, except sometimes it isn't just you. Sometimes it is Corinth too, or Eli, or Toby. Or Lumiere." My voice broke when I said his name, "Who is going to die next? When will the killing stop?"
"Sadie," Dustin was searching for something to say, something I haven't already heard, "I'm not going to let anyone else-"
"Stop trying to fix everything, Dustin." I commanded with too much fury. It cut my words into shreds and sent my heart racing. I felt it pounding in my chest and I heard my blood sloshing through my ears. Signs that I was becoming too strained but I didn't care, "Just let me be scared, is that really so wrong? Aren't you ever scared?"
Dustin did not answer me right away. His eyes blinked several times in disbelief of the incredulity I just proposed and I knew my question was unwelcome from the moment it slipped from my lips. A part of me was ashamed for asking, but the other part was eagerly waiting for an answer.
Dustin swallowed hard and his hands folded in his lap
"Am I ever scared?" He let his head rest back against the headboard out of frustration. He did not look at me anymore, "The Tribe is made up of a hundred other people who are just as terrified as you are. I may not be the leader anymore but I was once and during that time, I had to find solutions. As a leader, the Tribe looked to me to fix their problems. I had to protect their families, I had to find them money and food and shelter. When their world fell apart, I was expected to rebuild so that they wouldn't have to." Dustin seemed almost disappointed that he had to explain this, "I couldn't do all of that if I was hiding in my room."
I shook my head, "This is different and you know it."
"It is not quite as different as you seem to think." He told me, as serious as I have ever seen, "Being a leader means sacrificing for your people. It is not always safe and it is not always justified, but I will work myself into the dirt if it means my people are happy and healthy." His face tilted towards me, as though he might meet my stare. But he didn't. He kept his gaze down on where his hands were folded in his lap, "And whether you are ready to admit it or not, you are one of my people. So it is my responsibility to take care of you."
My pulse throbbed harder, "I am not a Tribe member."
He reached towards his sigil absentmindedly, and his fingers brushed over the lines inked into his skin; once black but now as red as blood. He smiled out of spite, learning lessons even as he preached them, "It takes a hell of a lot more than a picture on skin to be considered a member."
Perhaps that is true. But if so, then it is also true that actions speak louder than words.
Will Dustin still agree when all is said and done?
"Do you think it would make the other members happy to see you like this? You think it makes anyone feel safe to see you this way?" He spoke of protecting his people, of keeping them happy and healthy. But he has yet to realize that his sacrifices were torturing the very people he vowed to protect, "Everyone in the Tribe loves you, Dustin. They raised you, they helped you become the leader we are all so proud of, but they hate seeing you this way – newly bruised every day, so weak you can barely stand, coughing up blood." My breath stalled only momentarily, "Chasing your grave."
"Better me than them." Dustin said softly.
He won't ever change, and I honestly did not expect him to. As a boy, he was taught to protect his friends. As an adolescent, he forcibly learned his place when he lost people he loved after showing defiance. And as a man, he already knew what sacrifices were required to save those who were too weak to save themselves. Dustin has never cared about losing himself but he was terrified of losing those around him, in the same way that I was terrified of losing him.
We both fear something so similar yet like magnets, our desires are repelled. He cannot protect his people without sacrificing himself, and I cannot keep him safe without asking him to prioritize his health above all others. We are at odds and there is no clear solution.
"Please Sadie, I don't want to fight." Dustin finally looked up at me and the violet gleam in his sapphire eyes was ordained with the fear I had just accused him of lacking, "Right now, nothing else matters besides you. Because if I lose you ... I lose everything."
My heart was breaking, "But if you do this, then I will lose you."
He tsked at me, playfully, "I have beaten men much more dangerous than Marx."
"But Dustin, there are nine of them." I was begging at this point because unless Dustin was speaking of the devil himself, I knew of no other mortal men who could be compared to Count Marx in deviance and sadism, "They are monsters-"
"So am I." Dustin asserted, "I have gone through hell and back to find these ingredients, I died along the way – I got kissed by Lumiere for heavens sakes!"
"You're welcome." Lumiere grumbled under his breath, "Ungrateful swine."
Dustin ignored his remarks, "Are you really telling me all of that trauma was for nothing?"
"It was not for nothing, I promise you that." I have never been more sincere, "But it also was not intended to promote your self sacrifice."
Dustin smiled just then, delicate and sweet, the kind of smile I loved so much because it reminded me of his innocent self that was lost so long ago – the kind of smile I once saw in a forgotten photograph on a lonely windowsill in a house distantly brightened by an envious amount of joy. His eyes were bright, his cheeks were flushed, and a lovely arch caught the corners on either side of his mouth that dazzled me into speechlessness. His tone was quiet, unsure but so very hopeful, when he asked, "Don't you trust me, Dimples?"
Of course I trusted him. I trusted him with my life.
But I did not trust him with his own.
I placed my hand lightly in his and leaned forward, into his body, clinging to him as I always do when I am scared. In so many ways, he is my anchor in a bottomless ocean and he is my mountain in gusty winds. He is the one I rely on because, as he just insinuated, he is the one I trust most of all.
But I realized long ago that if everyone relies on the same anchor, it will not hold its ground. And if everyone stands on the same mountain, someday it will crumble.
Dustin sighed happily and curled me into his side, holding me so tightly, with so much infatuation ... mistakenly thinking I had accepted his persuasions. He expected me to hide beside him as I always have and let him carry this burden.
But I have pulled up the anchor and I have jumped from the mountain. I will not rely on him for protection at the cost of his own life. As he said, I may be scared but I cannot let that fear dictate my decisions. This time, it is his turn to hide and it is my turn to lead.
"It is going to be okay, Dimples." He whispered into my hair.
I let my body fit against him.
"Everything is going to be okay-" He said.
When I was close enough, I discreetly withdrew a small object from my pocket.
"-I promise Sadie, I won't -"
Then I buried it into his leg.
Dustin flinched and looked down, "What the hell was that?" His hand searched the length of his leg and he paused when his fingers reached mine. He peered past our hands and his expression creased in confusion at the sight of a small needle pierced deeply into the muscle of his leg. He saw my hand wrapped around the syringe and his gaze followed up my arm until his eyes reached mine, "Sadie?" He was lost, "What did you do?"
The syringe emptied and with all of the dose administered, I pulled the needle back. His leg twitched and I pressed my palm over the injection site to steady him, "I am doing what you would do, the same thing you have done in the past ... I just beat you to it this time."
Even now, his eyes were drooping. But he fought the sedative and blinked hard to keep himself awake, "What was in that syringe?" His words were slurring, his body slumping, "Sadie, what did you do to me?"
Doc wasn't lying when he said this sedative was powerful, not enough to harm him but near immediate in results.
As Dustin's eyes fluttered, I leaned him back into the pillows and helped him relax, "When you wake up, you are going to be really pissed off. And that is fine, I probably deserve it." I leaned over his wilted body and lingered beside him, because I was not yet ready to leave. I carefully brushed the hair out of his eyes so he could see me clearly and I let myself drown in their fading lavender wonder, "Try not to hate me too much, okay?"
"Sadie -" He tried grabbing for me, to keep me near, but his fingers fumbled at my hip without sustaining a hold, "Please ... don't go."
"I have to. Someone has to go, but it doesn't have to be you." I gave him my best and most genuine smile, to showcase the dimples he so greatly adored, because I wanted this sight of me to be the last he remembered if this was truly our final moment together, "It's going to be okay, Dustin."
"Sadie ..." He was fading fast, "Just stay ... with me ..."
"Don't say I never learned anything from you. I am doing this to protect you, whether you like it or not." I traced his lips with my thumb before kissing him, deeply, to make sure he felt my touch even as he drifted off, "I love you, Dustin."
Whether he heard, I'll never know.
As I pulled away, Dustin's eyes closed and his head rolled into my shoulder. I hugged him tightly and kissed the crown of his head, one last time. I memorized the way he fit in my arms and the warmth of his skin against mine. I breathed him in and hoped that his essence had infiltrated my soul so entirely that I would never be without him again.
This time, I knew he couldn't hear me, but I repeated again, "I love you."
Then I returned him to the embrace of his bed and slid away from him with fresh tears dripping from my eyes.
Lumiere was watching with his mouth hanging open and his single eye just as wide, "What did you do to him?"
I swiped at my cheeks, "I injected him with the sedative dose that Doc gave me for my heart. It just knocked him out for a little while, he will be fine." I think, "It is just to keep him asleep long enough for me to-"
Lumiere immediately threw his hands up in surrender, "Are you going to knock me out next? Because I would just like to point out that I was on your side almost the entire time. I mean, you caught me off guard in the beginning but you had a marvelous argument and I switched to your side almost instantly. So if you think you need to silence me so I won't go tell the others, you don't have to worry. I choose life over honesty, I won't say a word-"
"Lumiere, stop talking."
His mouth snapped shut.
"I am not going to knock you out." I told him.
Lumiere stared at Dustin a while longer, mostly to assess his condition until he was sure no further harm had befallen him, then Lumiere wandered a few steps closer to examine me just as closely. His arms crossed over his chest when he noticed how my jaw had set firm in determination. His eye narrowed, "You have a plan, don't you?"
If he thought I was crazy before, just wait until he hears this, "I am going to take the ingredients to the Council."
Lumiere actually laughed and held in his sides as though he might split, "Oh Sadie, goodness gracious, you sure know how to make an old dog laugh."
"I am being serious."
Lumiere sobered quickly, "You seriously want to take the ingredients to the Council? Are you still possessed, do I need to start praying again?"
"Good lord, not that again."
"Sadie, you just told Dustin he could not bring the ingredients to the Council because they would kill him once they got what they needed from him." Lumiere dropped two hands on my shoulders, "So what do you think they will do to you?"
"They won't be able to kill me, because I will have insurance." I explained, "I am not going to take all of the ingredients, just a sample of each. Just enough for them to make one dose of the cure."
Lumiere stepped back, quite surprised at how much thought I had put into this, "You think you can convince the Council to cure you with that single dose in return for your promise to deliver the rest of the ingredients after you have been treated."
"Dustin said it before, and Erie said it just now as well; the Council won't hurt me, not as long as Dustin is alive and has the rest of the ingredients. They won't risk his fury." However, there lies the bigger problem, "But as soon as Dustin hands over the ingredients, he loses his leverage and he is as good as dead."
Lumiere was catching on.
"So if you are cured, you will be safe and Dustin will have total control over the situation to do as he pleases without putting you at risk." He concluded.
"Exactly."
"And what if they decide to kill you just for the fun of it, then send an army here to collect Dustin and the ingredients?" Lumiere challenged, "What then, missy?"
I shrugged, "They won't."
"Oh? I'm going to need a little more than that." Lumiere hinted, "Care to elaborate?"
"Count Marx won't let anyone kill me if he doesn't have the chance to do so himself. And it is quite obvious that he is a possessive man, he won't be satisfied unless Dustin is there to watch me die."
Lumiere scratched at his jaw, "Well I hate to be the one to say it but, it wouldn't take much to break you. The Count likes to play with his prey and he might accidentally hurt you without even realizing."
"Honestly Lumiere, I don't really care. Dustin has put himself through so much in order to protect me and after watching him in the Crypt-" It was all still so vivid in my mind; the goblets, the blood, the sound of bones breaking. I trembled, "You didn't see him down there. Dustin was so willing to throw his life away, without a moment of hesitation."
Lumiere glanced at his friend and I could only imagine the kind of nightmares he was reliving. I so often forget that for every second of horror I have experienced in my short time here at the compound, Lumiere has lived a lifetime of the exact same.
He sighed, "The damn fool. He has always been careless, I guess I just never thought it would come this far."
If that wasn't good enough, "I am already well on my way to an early end, it makes the most sense for me to go."
"Now you sound just like him." Lumiere nodded towards Dustin, "Do I need to babysit you too?"
"The Council may be brutal but they are not mindless. I don't think they will waste time killing me when I will die off soon enough without their intervention in a way that is much more painful." I couldn't deny the truth of the matter, "I am too insignificant for anything else."
"Hey, I am insignificant too!" Lumiere exclaimed, what an odd thing to be proud about, "And the Count is just as obsessed with me as he is with you." Another odd thing to be proud about, "I suppose that is why ... I am coming with you."
I thought of his eye and the scar on his side; one bestowed by Rosen, the other by Count Marx. I thought of his demotion from the gang. All were inadvertently because of me, in one way or another. And the cycle will continue unless it is broken.
I shook my head and announced sternly, "I can't let you come with me, Lumiere. Every time you get hurt, it is because of me."
"Not every time." Lumiere pointed out, "I get myself into quite a bit of trouble all on my own, thank you very much."
"That doesn't make it okay."
"Well, I can't exactly let you go alone. As I have said many times before, Dustin would kill me if he found out I let you stroll into the clutches of Satan without company."
I scowled at him, "And what will Dustin do when he finds out that you helped me?"
Lumiere draped his arm around me, "Fret not, my love. I imagine by then we will probably already be dead and well out of Dustin King's reach." He thought about it then shrugged, "If not, then the wrath of Dustin King won't seem so bad. See, a win-win situation."
"What about everyone else?"
"What about them?"
"Are you going to tell them what we are doing?" If anyone else finds out what we are up to, they will try to stop us.
Or worse, they will try to join us.
Corinth will not support this plan and neither will Eli, both of them will tie us down before letting us walk out of here on a mission such as this. Erie might support it, and Brandon definitely would but that would be more out of spite than actual support considering he just wants to watch Lumiere die. Regardless, the overall outcome would be bad if we informed the rest of our group.
"Have you forgotten?" Lumiere beamed cheekily, "I'm not in the gang anymore. I don't have to do anything. As far as everyone else is concerned, we just went for a walk and got lost ... for several days ... on the other side of the country."
I placed my hands on either side of his cheeks and held him firmly, "Are you absolutely sure? You don't have to do this."
"Sweetheart, I have never been more sure." Lumiere declared. He has been waiting for a moment like this for a very long time, and the dangers we soon would face did not sway his decision, "This is going to be fun."
"This is going to be dangerous." I corrected.
"In my dictionary, those words mean the exact same thing." He merely grinned at the thought of peril and true to his nature of piracy, he craved one last unforgettable adventure. In his remaining eye there was an inferno blazing brightly and he let himself indulge in the thrill of our impending doom, "Come on, babe. Let's go hunting."
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An on-time update, how exciting am I right?! I am sure many of you guessed this was Sadie's plan ... can anyone guess what will happen once they get to the Council?? ;)
As always, please vote, comment, and follow me!
Thanks again everyone, and stay safe!
xoxo