It felt like I was in between being asleep and being awake. I knew Sean had laid down beside me and held me as I started to fall asleep, and I remember my mom's words echoing around in my head as I dozed off. I was so exhausted from sobbing and crying and just all of the emotions associated with what happened. Maybe it was all a dream, a horrible nightmare and I would wake up soon. However, I wasn't entirely sure I was asleep at the moment. A voice, distant at first, started calling my name.
"Jake," it said. "Jake, wake up!" I couldn't make out whose voice it was. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite grasp it.
"Sean?" I mumbled, fumbling around. My eyelids were being very stubborn. They felt so heavy and hard to lift. My voice sounded really rough, like I had been sedated or something. The person chuckled at me.
"Jake, c'mon. Wake up!" it said. I knew the speaker was a male obviously, so I assumed it was Sean because he was next to me last I remembered.
"Sean...just let me sleep!" I groaned, trying to turn over. My body felt so stiff and sore for some reason. I heard him chuckle again.
"I'm not Sean," he said. "Open your eyes."
I groaned again, my eyelids were fluttering but they were still so heavy. Damn what happened to me? It's never been this hard to wake up before. I could tell the room was light from behind my eyelids, so I figured it must be morning by now. I probably slept for a long time. But then, if it wasn't Sean coaxing me to awaken, then where was he? And who was in my bedroom?
"My eyelids are too heavy," I whined, still sounding sleepy.
"I want to see you. Open your eyes Jake," said the voice, calm as ever. This warm feeling suddenly washed over me. It was one of the most intense feelings I had ever experienced. It was as if I was drugged or something. I don't remember taking anything? "Open your eyes," the voice commanded. My eyelids fluttered again, and I concentrated and focused all my energy on opening them. God it was so hard.
They finally flew open, and I immediately squinted in the bright light flooding the room. I slowly waited for my eyes to adjust to my surroundings. I scrunched up my face in confusion. Where was I? I was laying in a canopy bed, the white curtains were flowing down the sides. There was a window on the wall to my left, and the light was shining so brightly through it that I couldn't make out anything that was outside. I slowly scanned the room.
"Hey bud," came the voice again. At first I couldn't see anyone else in the room, but the voice was crystal clear to me now. I got goose bumps all over my skin at the sound of that voice. That's when I spotted him, leaning against the wall on the right off to the side of the bed. A huge smile was radiating off his face. I bolted up to a sitting position in the bed.
"What..how?" I fumbled, I was so confused. "Where am I?" He continued smiliing as he crossed the room and approached the bed, sitting down to my right gently, his blue eyes sparkling.
"I'm so proud of you Jake," he said, seemingly ignoring my confused questions. Tears sprang to my eyes.
"Am I dreaming?" I asked uncertainly, causing him to smile once more.
"Of course you are," he replied, his expression content.
"So this isn't real? You're not real?" I asked. "I'm in a dream." The realization dawned on me and I thought about pinching myself, but then I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up yet, just seeing him as if he were with me was taking my breath away. He chuckled once more.
"Remember in Harry Potter, in the last book, when Harry sees Dumbledore?" He asked, watching me intensely. I nodded. "Well, just because it's a dream, doesn't mean it isn't real," he explained.
"There's so much I want to tell you," I said, my voice catching as I spoke, tears sliding down my face. He smiled sadly.
"I'm sorry I'm not there. But you know Jake, I'm always with you. I love you," he said.
"Collin, I love you and I miss you more than anything! I've wanted to tell you about everything! You're the only person I've wanted to tell about everything," I sobbed, rubbing at my eyes while he watched.
"Why don't you tell me all about it?" He said, a smirk forming on his face. It made me laugh a little. "Tell me everything."
So that's what I did. I started with everything that had happened since the car accident. I didn't leave anything out. Including my feelings afterwards, how things happened between Sean and I, how I told our parents that I was gay, what mom had said to me, that Sean and I were getting married soon, etc. When I finished with everything, Collin's expression was sad but hopeful.
"I want to ask you something? Did you know?" I asked him carefully. He looked away from me for a second before returning his gaze to me.
"I did," he replied, looking directly into my eyes.
"So that's what you were talking about? The things you said, how I was so confused. You said maybe I didn't know yet," I said, recalling some of the things. He nodded his head in agreement.
"I didn't want to say anything until you figured it out for yourself."
"So it doesn't matter to you? That you have a gay brother?" I asked. He looked at me seriously, bringing his face closer to mine.
"Not for a minute. I love you no matter what. When I realized, I just wanted you to be happy." He explained.
"When did you know for sure?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. He chuckled again.
"You remember when Kim kissed you? And you told me about it after? How you didn't like it?" I nodded. "Well I always had my suspicions, but that kinda...confirmed it," he said smirking. I smacked his arm playfully, just like I always used to.
"God I wish I could talk to you about things all the time. Why did you have to leave?" I asked, sniffling, fresh tears threatening to form. He smiled at me sadly.
"I'm sorry Jake. We don't get to choose. If I had, I would've chosen to stay. To see you get married, have kids, everything. But I tell you what little bro, I'm always with you okay? Don't ever forget that," he stated, pulling me into a tight hug. I took a deep breath, feeling his embrace. I didn't ever wanna let go. He pulled back to look at me before looking around the room.
"Collin?" I asked curiously. He smiled at me.
"It's time for me to go buddy," he replied. I shook my head.
"No! I don't want to go back. Not yet. I don't want to wake up. Wait, am I dying? Did something happen to me?" I said frantically. Collin placed both hands on my shoulders and laughed, trying to stifle it. He shook his head.
"No Jake, you're fine. You're safe. I just wanted to see you, but you can't stay. You have to go back."
"I don't want to, not yet," I pouted.
"Remember what I said. I'm always with you, and I love you little bro." He flashed his huge signature grin. "Say hi to everyone for me!" He shouted as the room began to spin and fade to black.
"I will!" I yelled back, hoping he would hear.
"I will! I will! I will!" I murmured, thrashing around a little bit. I felt so dizzy and my head was pounding.
"Jake! Jake!" Sean said frantically. I knew it was him. I could feel his arms around me, his hand gently carressed and stroked my cheek. "Baby wake up," He cooed, "I think you're dreaming." I opened my eyes and looked up into his beautiful chocolate eyes.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" I asked. he shrugged.
"Nah. I've been awake for a while. I've been worried about you." He replied. I ran my hand over my face and yawned, stretching a little in his embrace.
"Sorry, yesterday was rough," I told him, relaxing into his side and burying my face into his chest. He ruffled my hair.
"I'm sorry babe. Do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently. "You seem a lot better now that you've got some sleep." I lifed my head to look at his beautiful face.
"I had a dream, but it was real," I said excitedly. Sean furrowed his eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"It was real. I saw Collin," I told him, snuggling back into his chest. His eyes widened in realization.
"You did? He was in your dream?" He asked, kissing my head.
"Yeah, he told me he wanted to see me, and I got to tell him everything that happened since he's been gone. Then he said he had to go, but that he loves me and he's always with me. Do I sound crazy?" I asked, realizing it probably sounded a little out there. Sean smiled sweetly at me.
"Not at all. I love you," he said, bringing his lips to mine. I know I say it every time, but his kisses are just so addicting, I can't stop kissing him. "Let's get some breakfast, yeah? Then you can tell me all about it." He said, pulling me up with him as he climbed out of bed. I ran my hand tenderly down his bare back before hugging him with both hands from behind, resting my head against his back.
"I'm so lucky," I whispered to myself, not realizing I said it out loud.
"So am I," Sean replied, taking my hand and leading me to the kitchen. I got this feeling all of a sudden. Collin's face came into my mind, and he was grinning broadly. It was almost as if he was in the room with me, showing me how happy he truly was. I put my free hand over my chest. "You okay?" Sean asked, turning around to look at me.
"Yeah, I just..." I smiled. "He's with me," I felt tears prick at my eyes. Sean smiled.
"Of course he is. Collin always will be," he replied before leading me the rest of the way to the kitchen. He sat me at the table. "I'll make breakfast. Oh by the way. My mom called about Thanksgiving...she was wondering what our plans are." I tensed up a little bit and wiped my face with my hand.
"Um. Yeah about that. I don't think my family will be having Thanksgiving," I said, leading Sean to give me a worried look. "Let's have breakfast and I'll tell you everything okay?" I said. He nodded and turned to the fridge. As upset as I still was about what she had said, I honestly felt a whole lot better after talking to Collin in my dream, it was as if maybe he knew and he chose that moment to help me or something. I don't know. Maybe my mind was just making Collin appear as a defense mechanism. But either way, it felt real and I was grateful for it.
Sean made us breakfast burritos and I told him everything my mother had said to me yesterday at the restaurant, and how I was somewhat angry with my dad for setting me up to talk to her without my knowledge, especially considering how things turned out. I could tell Sean was upset even though he didn't say anything and let me talk. But he was pissed. I don't think I've ever seen him so mad.
"I can't belive she said that!" He exclaimed when I was finished, throwing his fist down on the table. He was furious.
"I know," I replied, not sure what else to say.
"I'm gonna talk to her, if that's okay with you," he said, looking at me closely. I just shrugged.
"I don't think it will change anything, and I definitely don't want her hurting you!" I replied.
"She's already done that! Her hurting you hurts me. I won't let this happen anymore. And your dad should've stopped it!"
"Well he did yell at her to stop, and they started arguing." I said.
"He could've done more! My mom would lose it if she knew about this!" Sean said, running a hand through his hair. He suddenly reached forward and took both my hands in his.
"I'm so sorry Jake. I'm going to do whatever I can to change this," he said.
"You can't change people. She has to be willing to change. It's okay. Really." I replied. I was just going to have to accept that my mother was a homophobe and there was nothing I could do about it. Some people were just stubborn and cruel for something I had no control over. "Honestly I don't want you to worry too much about this okay? We'll have Thanksgiving with your mom and then it's onto the wedding! That's what we need to be focusing on." I smiled to reassure him. He relaxed a little but I could tell this did nothing to change his mind completely. My fiance was determined to do something. I chuckled at the thought of him fighting for me. It just spoke volumes about how much he cared about me. It was endearing and I felt so incredibly special.
"I'm gonna call my mom back then and plan for Thanksgiving dinner. If I don't talk to your mom, I'm still for sure going to talk to your dad," he explained, standing up. I sighed a little. I guess if he insists. I just hate that my family is so messed up over he and I being together. Is it really that big of a deal? Honestly it was getting tiring. All of the emotional problems since the car accident. I just wanted to be done with all of that and for a while it seemed like it was over with. That is until yesterday when my mother opened her mouth. She said she was disgusted with me? Well I was disgusted with her!