Hi lovelies! Sorry about the long wait for this chapter, but thank you for being patient and reading!
**WARNING: This chapter deals with self-harm and suicide. Please proceed with caution and at your own discretion.
Today was the day.
Various people ran around the house, shouting different orders and commands to those that were listening. Table were shuffled between different rooms, up the stairs, down the stairs, inside, outside; it almost seemed as if there wasn't any certain person in charge leaving the whole ordeal unorganized. Chairs were hauled in different directions with different colored cloth adorning each one, tied with a satin bow in the back. It took me a second to realize that the colors were all of a scheme: black, gray, and the golden beige color that my dress mirrored.
As a sickening feeling dived into my stomach, I pulled my robe closer to my body for comfort. I was currently with Sienna in the kitchen, eating a light breakfast since I would be eating a big feast later. At least that's what they thought.
I wouldn't make it to the feast.
But they didn't know that.
The crass clanging of metal chafers, porcelain plates, and the silver cutlery assembled a cacophony of unharmonized noise. There was a certain buzz about the air, excitement mixed with nervousness and slight irritability. I, however, couldn't partake in the thick excitement that laced the atmosphere. Even when I tried as to not throw anyone off my original plan, I just couldn't find it in my heart to force it too much. I would softly smile at people, but at the same time, people knew my true feelings of what today held.
I didn't want to be here.
If they didn't know that then they were stupid.
Last night during one of the many moments when I couldn't sleep, I quietly snuck into the bathroom and double, triple, quadruple checked the toilet tank to ensure that the shard of glass I had hid hadn't been removed. I was so worried that someone would somehow find out what I was planning on doing and I wouldn't be able to escape this mess. Each time a sliver of relief flooded through me and I went to lay back down. As the seconds ticked by, the same irrational fear crept back up and I would have to check again.
Nothing was going to take this away from me.
In total, I think I may have been able to get two maybe three hours of sleep. Although, the sleep was never peaceful as it was tainted with the memories of my family. Deep sleep eluded me and it was like I was asleep, but wasn't at the same time. I would be able to sleep today. That's what kept me going, kept me pushing forward.
Cold fingers wrapped gently around my wrist, tugging my body towards the exit of the kitchen and my mind from my thoughts. Sienna's dark auburn hair cascaded down her back, mixed with knots and tangles from her own night of sleep. Still, it somehow remained beautiful and I suddenly became very aware of my own hair. The dull brown framing my face, almost looking the color of ash.
Shaking my head I mentally chastised myself for worrying about something so superficial. It was just hair. I had bigger things to focus on than what the tendrils that covered my head looked like.
I followed Sienna back into the bedroom where all of her stuff had been brought. An assortment of lip colors of blues, reds, pinks, nudes with eye and face palettes of varying shades filled the desk next to the wall. Creams, paints, powders, everything that one could think of was here in this room. Another bag filled to the brim with hot hair tools and a smaller one containing hair products sat threateningly off to the side.
Of course I had to go through some beauty torture before I could carry out my plan. She shoved me down in the black leather swivel chair that sat directly in front of the desk and began her work. Applying product after product to my face, it felt as if a layer an inch thick encapsulated my face and I wanted nothing more than to take a wet cloth and remove it all; although it would probably require a chisel as opposed to a cloth. My fingers twitched at the lack of control over what was being put on my body without my consent.
Next was hair. She pulled various combs and brushes through my hair, tugging on the strands until my entire scalp was sore. Curling, straightening, crimping everything. Pinning, spraying, oiling, no strand of hair was safe.
Once she was done she whipped my chair around to face the mirror, standing proudly behind me, a strong smile upon her face with her eyes twinkling in achievement as she stared into the mirror with me. Her hands landed on her hips, "What do you think?"
I hated it.
"It's amazing, Sienna. I look like a whole new person," I forced out through tight lips. I didn't like it in the slightest. I wasn't lying when I said I looked like a different person. The person staring at back at me through the mirror wasn't me. I didn't know who it was. But that's what Xaler wanted wasn't it? He didn't want me to be me anymore. He wanted me to be Xaler's mate, the new Luna, or whatever else the fuck he deemed worthy, and my old self wasn't included in that category.
I bit back my tears that were threatening to fall. I couldn't let that happen, mainly because I didn't want to sit through another round of make-up application. Quickly, I blinked them away before they could roll down my cheeks and clear a path through the gunk that sat upon my countenance.
With one last spritz on my face and hair, Sienna pulled me up and ushered me towards the closet where my dress hung. Carefully she helped me slip into the beautiful dress which consisted of bunching the dress up, having me hold my arms out as if I were diving into a body of water and maneuvering the dress over my head with precision. Sienna's fingers climbed my back as she zipped up the gown while becoming increasingly tighter around my torso. I was happy that I decided to carry out my plan while wearing the dress. It was way better than wearing his clothes--I would go out on my terms with my choice of clothing and what better way for Xaler to see the "love of his life" die, dead, in the dress he was supposed to witness in his own ceremony.
I ran my palms down the bodice, feeling the rough beading against my skin, smoothing away the worry that invaded my veins. Releasing a deep breath slowly, I turned to face Sienna that was still beaming with pride and joy. A small pang of guilt struck my heart, she was the only thing as close to what I could call a friend since I arrived here and I felt slightly guilty for doing this to her and her work.
But I didn't have any other choice.
I shook off the brief feeling. We had been up in the room getting ready for hours and once I glanced out the window, I noticed the garden filled with hundreds of people--beasts. One could tell just by looking at them and, of course, the only humans that were here would be the mates of any werewolves, but I could guess that humans were very few and far between. I could probably count on half a hand exactly how many humans were here and I still probably wouldn't need all of my fingers.
"So the ceremony is similar to a wedding except without all the extra people and prayers. He will be waiting for you and then a representative of the Moon Goddess will unite the two of you and it will be certified by an elder and an alpha from another pack. He will then present you with the gift of food which is why he was out hunting yesterday. Then it will be the feast and ceremonial dances before finally ending with completing the mating process," Sienna spewed out all of this necessary, albeit useless, information that seemed to be in one simple breath.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to smile at her from her eyes, but I could tell it came out more pained than anything. I nodded my head and once again blinked away the tears that formed in my eyes. Tears that I didn't even understand. Was I sad to leave her? Or my life? Or was I simply sad that this is what it had to come to?
She set down the curling iron that she was using to complete her own hairstyle and grabbed my hand giving it a tight squeeze of reassurance. She knew I didn't want to do this, but she also knew that I had no choice, we had no choice. The day I connected my eyes with those of Xaler's my ability to choose anything vanished.
"Everything will be fine. You can do this and you are going to be a wonderful Luna to this pack."
Her hand in mine soothed my nerves, but her words, not so much. I forced a tight smile and nodded my head in vague agreement.
"Well, are you ready? I will escort you to his Beta who will then escort you to Xaler," she held out her arm for me to slip mine through.
"Do you mind just meeting me downstairs? I just need a minute to breathe," I asked her and she eyed me warily. Noting that she was hesitant I flashed her another smile making it as genuine as I possibly could. "Please?"
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and nodded, "five minutes," she ordered sternly.
Grabbing a few last minute things, she gave me one last look and exited the bedroom. I waited a few seconds before hearing her retreat down the steps. I let out a deep breath and hurried to the bathroom. Quietly, I shut the door and locked it, not that it would stop Xaler from coming in, but it would at least stop Sienna and give me just a few extra seconds if needed.
I gazed at my reflection in the mirror, at the person that stood before me that would mimic my movements, but looked nothing like me. A stray tear fell from my eye and created a path through the thick makeup. I grabbed a washcloth and submerged it under the water from the faucet. Haphazardly, I scrubbed my face, I scrubbed it raw until there was no hint of makeup ever being on my face. Dirty droplets of water stained the top of my dress as I continued to scrub until my face was sore.
I threw the cloth onto the sink and walked to the toilet, lifting the cumbersome top off and grabbing the shard of glass. I put the lid back on and walked back over to the mirror. The shard glinting in the light of the room. I held it tightly in my hand, gripping it until it pierced my skin and let drops of blood fall to the ground.
I was surprised that I didn't feel anything. Had I really numbed myself to the point where I didn't feel the physical pain of cutting into the palm of my skin?
Shaking my head, I didn't have time to wonder and question. I was running out of time. I knew if I wasn't down those steps in the next two minutes that Sienna would come charging up here and I needed enough time in between where I couldn't be saved.
There was no going back.
There couldn't be.
For my sanity, this had to be it.
I pushed myself away from the mirror and sat down with my back against the porcelain bathtub. I looked up to the ceiling, desperately trying to blink the tears away and steady my breathing. My heart achingly beat against my chest, each loud thump in solid synchronization with the seconds that ticked by.
This was it.
"I love you." I breathed. I spoke to no one, yet spoke to everyone. To my mother, father, and my siblings, to my friends that I would never see again. To my past life and the future I would never be able to have. To the person I am. To the person I used to be. To the person I would never become.
Raising the shard with shaky hands, I pressed it into the skin that covered my wrists, the sharp tip disappearing into my milky flesh. Knowing I only had one chance to do this, I pressed hard, with all the strength I had. It sliced through my skin with ease as I drug the sharp end over my wrist. Bright, thick, red blood immediately gushed out of my veins and spilled onto the floor. I drug the shard down the length of my forearm for good measure before I repeated the process on the other arm.
Blood pooled on the floor around me. The warm sticky liquid keeping me company in my last moments of life. I fell to my side, my face coming into contact with the cold tile beneath me, tears mixing--suffocating into the blood before disappearing completely, drowning. My vision started to go in and out of focus, blurring at the edges as my life began to slowly slip away from me.
A wide shadow was cast over me and I sluggishly lifted my eyes and stared into those that belonged to Sienna.
Didn't I lock the door?
Her eyes were wide with worry, filled with tears, her eyebrows knitted together, "What did you do?" she whispered before grabbing a towel and applying pressure to my self-inflicted wounds.
"No," I cried, but it came out raspy.
Sienna was screaming, screaming so loudly for help. Forgetting that she was in a place full of wolves with supernatural hearing, she bolted out of the room and I assumed it was for help that didn't come with her cries.
I smiled weakly at her disappearance and let the blood flow out of me.
I was finally going to be free
Remember: if you are ever feeling like taking your life is the only solution, please know that it is not. Reach out, no matter how hard it is, and get help. You deserve it. You deserve to live. You are loved. You are cared about.