Emerson
Numb// Linkin Park
My arms are gripping Zoe's waist and my forehead is pressed against hers. This feeling, being here with her after that performance. This fucking feeling right now. It is as though my soul is wrapped and threaded through her soul. I had no idea I could feel this way about someone. How could I have known? Loving someone this much, it is more than I could have imagined. I'm high from just looking at her most days, but add to that this feeling after our performance, I'm flying.
We belong on stage together. Being together up there feels so meant to be. The magic has been there since day one, since the first note left her mouth that day we sang together in Dylan's garage. But here, on this stage, with an audience and singing the song we wrote together...
Just damn.
"We did it," I whisper into her ear. It's the fourth time I've repeated that phrase. I can't stop saying it. For the first time in my life I actually have the desire to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I'm playing music. Real music on a stage with an audience. What is even more un-fucking-believable is I'm playing the songs I've written with this girl that has stolen my heart. Maybe dreams do come true.
I kiss her neck just under her earlobe and whisper, "Baby." I feel the shiver that runs down her neck. This girl, I can't get enough of her.
"Emerson," she says laughing as she tries suddenly to pull away, but my arms are a vice. "Em, we aren't alone back here."
I don't care who sees us together. I really don't. At this moment I'm too full of contentment and happiness to give a damn about the rest of the word.
But when I pull my face back, I can see the blush on hers, even through the zombie crap. I loosen my grip and she steps back and takes a look around.
We aren't alone. We're backstage with our band and both Roger and Josh are staring at us with a big smirk on their faces. Those green made up zombie faces of theirs look hilarious smirking. I laugh out loud.
That's got to be a little stomach turning; two zombies making out. Yeah, maybe we should ditch the make up before we continue. A Zombie make out session – that thought has me laughing out loud again.
I look into Zoe's eyes and they're shining with emotion, excitement, and maybe even a bit of something else. There is a wanting I recognize in her glance...it's an emotion I feel myself every time I look at her.
"You stay back here, stay out of the spotlight while I go see if I can flag down Chelsea," Zoe says. "Then we better be quick about packing up our stuff and getting out of here before someone recognizes us."
I nod and Zoe turns to go. She knows my mom is milling around out there. A huge part of me just wants to follow Zoe and find my mom and tell her it was me up on that stage rocking out. More than I was before stepping onto the stage, I am ready to come clean. But this is not the setting for that conversation. I don't want to be in a costume when I spill my guts. It will be a serious conversation and zombie make up doesn't exactly scream 'serious.' And I want Zoe by side when I tell my mom, but I have things to confess to my girl first.
I know telling Zoe about the fake girlfriend situation will upset her, but I'm hopeful she'll understand. I've explained about my parents and about my dad's expectations. Zoe's knows the impossible situation my parents put me in and how desperate I've been trying to live my own life.
Zoe will understand. Damnit, she has to understand. Maybe I need to talk to Chelsea and get some advice on what to say and how to explain it all. The one thing Chelsea is great at is talking her way around things. But it doesn't take more than half a second for me to shake off that idea. Bringing the fake girlfriend into the conversation with the real one is bad on every level. Even I'm not that stupid. But fuck it. I am an idiot for digging myself into this hole in the first place.
Needing to work off the nerves before I talk to Zoe, I turn my attention to our equipment. We don't have a road crew. Well we are the road crew so I start helping Josh and Roger. We wrap cords, pack mics, and place instruments into cases. One by one we carry loads out to Josh's truck. Each trip brings me one step closer to facing the music. Dang, what an appropriate term for dealing with truth. The music is every part of my soul. There's usually a song in my head at all hours of the day, and most of the night. Sometimes its one of mine, sometimes it's a song of someone else's that fits the moment. The playlist running through my head is more often than not a reflection of my state of mind.
That is no exception now. I'm numb to the expectations my parents have held over me for my entire life. And that's the song in my head right now, Numb.
...under the pressure...
I feel it, constantly. Like a noose around my neck, the pressure pulls me down. I'm fighting it with every breath I take.
...smothering me...
What would it feel like to finally have that noose off of me? It's the possibility that's pushing me forward now.
I need to be ...more like me...and the time for that change has come. No more fear. No more hiding. The me that was up on that stage preforming all night... is who I am. I just hope I can somehow explain that all to my parents and make them see. Make them really see me for the first time.
Zoe
Apologize// Timbaland & OneRepublic
I wind around the backstage hallway and emerge in the main room. A DJ has taken over the music for the night and the crowd is back to bouncing to the beat. The atmosphere is pumped, excited. These kids are having a blast. It puts a smile on my face. Smiling, that is not something I'm exactly known for.
As I walk to the bathroom, a few of the party-goers wave and nod their head in my direction and stop next to me to tell me how amazing we were. A couple of them even ask if we have a YouTube channel where they can hear 'No Me' again. I'm floored at the response we have gotten. I was floored at their reaction when we were on the stage and the way they are reacting now is just as awesome and surprising and crazy. Okay, my grin just got bigger.
There's a spring in my zombie step as I make my way to the restroom. In the back of my mind I wonder where Chelsea got off to or if she already left for her cousin's weird Halloween wedding. I'll text her later to find out what she thought of the show but first I need to pee.
I can't stop humming or tapping my foot, even while standing still and washing up at the sink. I've never felt so free, it's like I'm floating on pure joy. And I really can't wait to get Emerson alone. We've had Chelsea as an interloper for so long that things between Em and I have stayed pretty PG. I'm hoping for a little PG 13 or NC 17 tonight.
I glance around the restroom as I dry my hands. It's the nicest bathroom I've ever been in. Just next to the sinks and toilets is a sitting area with plush couches and lounge chairs in reds and greys. The lighting in that area is a bit dimmed, as though Country Club members might come in here and chill with a book or something. As odd as it is to me to find a living room inside a club bathroom, I find myself taking a seat on the couch, trying it out for comfort. And dang if it isn't the nicest couch I've ever set my ass on. I could totally take a nap on this thing.
In the bathroom.
Which is totally strange.
The high from the show is slowly coming back down and now the buzz is just strong enough to leave a pleasant glow. I take a deep breath and realize I should go help the guys load up. The sooner we can leave, the sooner Emerson and I can be alone.
I get up off the fancy bathroom couch and make my way to the door and just as I reach out to pull it open, someone else is pushing it in. I step back and the door opens up and in one look I know exactly who it is. I recognize her from the pictures in Emerson's house. I have never met her but I'd know her anywhere. Emerson's mom.
"Oh, excuse me, dear!" she says brightly. She looks me up and down before recognition is clear on her face. "You must be the singer of the band from this evening. I could hear your voice from the lounge."
I swallow the nervous lump in my throat and nod, not sure if she's complimenting me or complaining.
We are supposed to be avoiding his mother and here I am face to face with her. I turn a little bit and let my hair fall into my face. And I feel totally stupid that I'm trying to hide from her since I'm dating her son. At some point Emerson is going to introduce us and when he does what if she recognizes me. What if he tells her later that we were the band that played at this shindig? Do I introduce myself or wait until Emerson has a chance to do it? And if I don't tell her I'm dating her son, what will she think later when she finds out, that I lied to her?
Crap, I'm no good in these situations. Chelsea would know what to do. Where is a girl's BFF when she needs her?
"You must be friend's with my son's girlfriend." Now she's beaming. Maybe Emerson has told her about me. How do I clarify that I'm not a friend but the actual girlfriend?
"Ah, I guess..." I don't know what to say because Emerson has had such a tough time with his parents and I don't want to make things worse. So I swallow my words and say nothing else.
"I am so happy he has found such a sweet girl. And I'm so glad I took her advice about your band." Her voice is smooth, lilting and light. And her words are suddenly sitting in my gut like concrete
Because, what? "You...um, who?" I mumble out.
"Oh, I have a picture! She sent it to me earlier before they left for a wedding." Emerson's mom pulls out her phone and starts scrolling.
Standing there watching her, I feel sicker. A wedding? But-
"Here!" His mom shoves her phone at me with a picture of Emerson and Chelsea. Emerson is taking the selfie and Chelsea is kissing his cheek. There's a filter used that makes little hearts appear to float around them.
"Uh..." My mouth drops open but I can't speak. Suddenly, I can't think.
"Just a doll." She pulls the phone back and gazes at the picture once more before putting it away. "Well, I need to rush back, so nice to meet you--, oh I didn't get your name."
Her tone is expectant. I'm supposed to say something but my brain isn't functioning. I pull it together long enough to whisper my name, "Zoe."
"Nice to meet you, Zoe. Sorry to run, but I do need to hurry so I can go check the kitchen." She pats my shoulder and rushes into the restroom as I walk back into the hall.
The room is spinning around me. I'm feeling something alright, but it's not the euphoria I felt walking towards the bathroom. I was riding a high like no other. Now I feel as though I'm drowning.
I'd sworn to myself I would never be stupid enough to open myself to getting hurt again. I still can't fully comprehend it. Emerson and Chelsea. My boyfriend and my best friend have been running around together behind my back.
I push open the door with numb hands and walk out of the bathroom on stiff legs. The DJ is spinning a new mix, this time bringing up the timeliest song that he could have chosen. It's like the universe is speaking directly to me. I hear the smooth tones of Ryan Tedder telling me ...another chance...
I took a chance with my heart and I opened myself up to caring about someone again and it's led me here.
...it's too late...
Those lyrics fill the room as the tears begin to slide down my cheeks.
Uh oh... so much has hit the fan. I'm thinking things will get worse before they get better. Ugh. But you knew this was coming so I won't apologize. (song pun, lol)
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I am digging both of these songs again and was really inspired by them for this part.