I'VE CONTEMPLATED HATING THEM. Both of them. Lucas and Pepper. My entire Friday night was spent crying in Elliot's arms about how stupid I was not to see it. Not to see what was right in front of me for so many years. Then, I spent all of this morning declaring that I would never fall in love and how I won't trust people ever again. Elliot's heard this speech before, of course. It's the same coping process I went through when my dad left us. Witnessing my mom suffer in such despair terrified me from the idea of ever giving someone my heart. Yet as day eases into night, and Elliot leaves to cover his shift at work, I am left to my vulnerable ways of thinking in solitude.
Pepper apologized to me days before this happened.
When I think about that, the part of me that hates her struggles with the part that wants to hear her side of the story.
Why did they do it? Why lie to me? More importantly, why was she so distraught? I certainly don't find the answer at the bottom of an empty glass of liquor, but the burn was nice. The sensation of alcohol coursing through my veins and altering my senses just a tad is enough for me. My emotions are still here, but a little more aloof than before. The off-white ceiling above my bed provides a nice target of focus as I ponder and ponder for hours. I know I'm going to forgive them eventually. In fact, I'm already in the process of it. I can't hate them. I'm just too attached to them. It's my fault for ignoring the neon signs months ago. Now I just want to know why. What led to this moment? Why was Pepper so upset if she was with Lucas? Even though she's been so torn about her breakup with Mason... What about that one date with Lucas when all the clues were dropping in?
'Just one slip up.' 'I liked it and I convinced this girl that we should keep sleeping together.' 'She only slept with me because she was heartbroken.' 'She wanted to end things with me, but I convinced her not to.'
"Fuck," I whisper and drive shaky fingers through my hair. My hate for Pepper wanes into guilt. "She didn't want to," I speak into the dimness of my room. The pain in her eyes was ever clear. The way she cried so suddenly as if she couldn't contain herself any longer. She wanted to stop. Just like I did at Elliot's party when Lucas had tried to go further with me. I ran into Pepper right after. I was crying into her about how he almost convinced me to do something I wasn't ready for.
'I understand. He kind of has that effect on people.'
How did I not see it way back then? Am I that blind?
My hatred disappears and I don't know what's left over now. Pain? Maybe? It doesn't hurt as much as it did at first. Not now that I understand so much more. What really hurts is the fact that Lucas loves Pepper so much more than me. Exactly as I feared. For years, I watched their friendship from the outside. I was terrified to place my heart in his hands because of Pepper. I envied her. Then I grew to like her. Now I don't know.
Lucas has been the boy I've wanted but was too afraid to fall in love with. So, was I right or wrong? Was it really a mistake hiding from him all of those years, or did I seal my fate?
An urgent pounding at the front door jolts me from my sheets. Heart sent into a sprint, I snatch up Mom's liquor and rush out into the living area. I set it on the counter where I found it and go to open the door, praying she hasn't brought some douchey guy over.
Bracing for the cold, I swing the door open. Only...the person standing there isn't my mom.
It's Lucas.
"Oh! H-hi," I stammer and immediately comb my fingers through my hair. I mentally cringe at the weathered t-shirt and shorts adorned across my figure. Then I scold myself for even caring about how I look.
"H-hey." His teeth chatter and he hugs himself against the falling snow. "Can I come in?"
"Of course!" I step back and allow him to take shelter from the cold.
In the few seconds that it takes him to get inside and shed from his coat, two states of mind battle for control of my next decisions. The old Amber wants to snap at Lucas and demand answers. The idiotic, lovesick Amber wants to forgive him and put everything behind us.
"W-what brings you here?" I try to sound lighthearted and carefree. Lovesick Amber wins as the old me is banging against a glass window, demanding me to skip the small talk and question him.
Lucas releases his disheveled chestnut hair from his dark blue beanie. Mesmerizing green eyes hold mine, but with great sadness burrowed within them. Pink lips part and he huffs.
Are you here to deliver the final blow? Tell me that you love Pepper? That we shouldn't be together? We agreed that he wouldn't come around me unless he was sure of his feelings and could give me a true answer. I guess now is that time. I brace for impact as he speaks his next words, soft and hesitant. "I wanted to talk." He rubs his smooth jaw and licks his lips.
"Okay." I fold my hands in front of my chest. "Do you want to sit?"
"No. This shouldn't take long." There's not enough time to prepare as he closes the space between us. His eyes bore into mine and his cold fingers surround my wrists. My breath is lost as he says, "Amber, I've been such an idiot. I made such a huge mess of things when I should have seen my answer was right in front of me the whole time."
My heart thuds against my ribcage. I try to swallow my uncertainty, but it comes right out when I ask, "W-what are you saying?"
Lucas cups my cheeks and leans in too close for my stupid heart to handle. "It's you," he murmurs. "It's always been you. I love you, Amber."
I breathe out a laugh and all of the pain I felt before flees from my body. I forgive him. I forgive him so damn fast even though the smart part of my brain is telling me not to. So he does love me. I smile and place my hands gently over his, attempting to warm his fingers. Maybe he just made a mistake.
I made him wait five years. This is nothing.
"You do?"
"I've always been in love with you, Amber. I just let my stupidity get in the way of seeing that. I want to be with you. I've been crushing on you for five years. There is no other girl anymore. It's just you and me."
Bliss warms and caresses my hollow spirits. I shouldn't feel as happy as I am right now, but I do. It's uncontrollable. No one has ever told me they loved me before. To hear it from Lucas brings me more happiness than I can handle.
"I-I think I love you too." I laugh and move closer to him.
"Really?" His brows rise and the ghost of a smile traces along his lips.
"Yes. I've been so afraid of it, but it's okay now. Now that you know what you want." Even if you were kissing Pepper yesterday. Maybe something happened to make him realize that he really wanted me all along.
The smarter version of me wonders, Isn't he moving too fast? Isn't he treating you like a rebound? But stupid, stupid, lovesick Amber controls me and shoves those doubts aside. She relishes in the fact that Lucas loves me.
I grin at his adoring smile and pull his fingers down to hold them in my palms. "What happened to the other girl?"
Darkness bleeds into his eyes and his smile falters. "W-we just weren't right for each other. I should have realized that you were the one. The girl that I really loved. It was supposed to be you and me all along."
"So we can wipe the slate clean?" I ask, praying that I don't sound too hopeful.
"Of course." His long lashes lower and his gaze falls to my parted lips.
When Lucas leans in to kiss me, I don't hesitate to kiss him back. The silly girl inside me bursts with glee at the feel of his soft lips. The taste of mint on his tongue is addictive. I shiver in anticipation when he wraps strong arms around me and aligns our bodies. We're so close, I just might burst, overwhelmed by his feverish affection.
I can get over the fact that he lied. I can get over the secret keeping because I'm just so happy that he finally chose me.
My skin misses the feel of him. His smooth and warm texture. Though he kisses me a little differently. Less thorough and more desperate, like his body is begging for mine. He caresses my cheeks and kisses me with a passion that weakens my knees. As his tongue traces over mine, our sighs fill the silent air. Is this our moment? My moment?
Foreign flames build up in my core, a sensation that startles and excites me. Our body heat intensifies. He drives shivers from my body as a large hand traces down the middle of my back and rests along the arch. Wandering fingers slip under my shirt and tease my burning skin.
I think I'm ready. I'm finally ready to do this.
Thoughts of sleeping with Lucas have been tainting my mind for months now. Losing my virginity to my first love. So, I'm not in a romantic setting? My house is kind of a mess and clothes a few years worn and wrinkled. None of it matters at this point. Not to me and certainly not to Lucas from the way he touches me so hungrily. I want this. I'm ready. I want to forget all the pain we've caused each other and move on.
For the briefest moment, Elliot pops into the back of my mind. If he saw me right now, he'd be shaking his head in disapproval and yelling at me to get my head on straight. I shove him aside and think about now. Lucas wants me now.
Grabbing the soft fabric of his sweater, I pull him along and take cautious steps backward. The surface of my skin is ablaze. My blood is roaring in my ears. I use one hand to guide him and the other to feel around until we're to my bedroom. Strong hands lift me suddenly and I gasp. I wrap my legs around his waist. He digs his fingers into mine. He strides into my bedroom and lays me gently against my mattress.
My veins buzz and I'm suddenly nervous. So nervous. How should I make him feel good? I don't want my inexperience to scream boring virgin to him.
Lucas climbs on top of me and places butterfly kisses along my neck and collarbone. I sigh and bite my bottom lip. What should I do with my hands? Quickly, I run my fingers through his silky hair.
Okay. So what now? Should I touch him?
I've never seen a guy's arousal in person. Just thinking about it makes me nervous and shy. Should we both do oral before we do anything else? What are the steps? The rules?
I have no time to figure it out as he lifts my shirt and places his lips along my stomach. Electricity zips over my skin and through my body. I hold my breath while he eases down my shorts. So he goes first. Okay. I peer at the ceiling. The only light provided to us is the dim glow seeping from the hallway. When he moves back up to taste my lips, a loving smile captures them, breaking it prematurely. I run my fingers along his smooth jawline as he stops briefly to smile back at me. A flash of something I don't quite catch in time passes over his gaze.
"I love you," he whispers.
"I love you too."
Warm fingers explore beneath my shirt, touching my stomach, my sides, then my bra. With ease, he pulls my shirt from over my head. A gasp falls from my mouth when his hungry fingers unsnap my bra. I've never been naked in front of a guy before. I run my tongue over my lips and watch his eyes as he stares at my small breasts. I've never thought about my size before, but now I wonder if he's okay with them being small. I get my answer right away when he leans down to taste them. My insides burst into flames and a moan beyond my control releases from my throat.
Wow. I'm really doing this. I'm going to have sex. I'm going to lose my virginity.
With my breasts under his starving lips, his fingers trail beneath my underwear. He touches my smooth skin and dips his fingers into my arousal.
"Oh my God," I breathe. I bite my bottom lip and dig my fingers through my hair. It feels nice. I've imagined what it would feel like for him to touch me there, and I had no idea it'd be so blissful. Any thoughts of regret abandon me and I am dancing along the clouds of paradise.
He loves me and now he'll make love to me.
Lucas' mouth abandons my breast, but he moves on to something far more enticing. He kisses my pelvis and eases my underwear down my legs. My body is screaming and aching and needing him. I'm hardly prepared for when his lips touch me. Pleasure explodes through my body. There is no time to think; just feel and moan and squirm as he brings me foreign desires. Overwhelming sensations build up inside me and I lose control of my voice. There's no time to prepare. I grab my sheets and cry out as pleasure crashes into me and release from my body. My thighs quiver for a moment, and I blink rapidly, shocked at how blissful that was. I gaze down and he's staring up at me with lust in his eyes.
"You're so beautiful," he murmurs while climbing back over me.
I smile and cup his warm cheeks. "Th-thank you," I pant.
Lucas is quick to take his clothes off. Soon, we're both naked. It must be my turn. I sit up and look at him more nervous than I've ever been in my entire life. Do I just grab him?
"U-um. H-how do you want me to...?"
He arches a brow. "What do you mean?"
"T-touch you?" I motion my head down, too afraid to actually look at it.
He chuckles. "Are you nervous?"
"A little," I squeak and cringe at how pathetic I must sound. "I-I've never done this before so..."
"What?" Without warning, Lucas grabs my face and brings me closer. "What do you mean you've never done this before?" Fretfulness stains his once delicate voice.
I tug on locks of my hair and twist them around my shaky fingers. I didn't plan on telling him, but maybe he should know to help our experience. "I've...never been with a guy before," I admit in a gentle tone.
"L-like you've never had sex?" He brings my face closer. The dread in his voice sends my heart leaping into my throat. "You're a virgin?"
Unable to speak, I nod slowly, suddenly ashamed of my virginity.
"Oh, God, no." His hands slide from my face and he scoots back as if my virginity is contagious. "Please, get dressed. I can't do this."
"Wh-what?" I choke out, more embarrassed than I've ever been in my life. My entirety is trembling. I snatch up my t-shirt and put it back on while he tugs his briefs on. "What's wrong with being a virgin?" I mumble.
"N-nothing." Lucas bows his head and grabs his hair. "I just can't take your virginity, Amber. N-not like this. Fuck," he hisses. "I just keep fucking shit up. First her. Now you?"
Her?
"What's wrong?" I grab his face and lift it. To my surprise, it's scrunched up. Tears are slipping from his beautiful eyes. Why is he crying?
"How are you a virgin? You and Elliot..."
"I-" The truth springs to the tip of my tongue, and the expression of pain on his face sends it falling from my lips. "We never really dated," I admit in shame. I lower my gaze and drop my hands to my lap. "We pretended because I was always too afraid to go all the way with you."
But I wasn't this time. This time I was ready.
"Fuck." He rubs his palms into his eyes. "You're lucky then. I don't deserve you."
"B-but I was ready." I scoot closer to him and touch his thigh. "I wanted to. W-we love each other...right?"
Lucas drops his head and covers his face. "I do love you, but I...I was hurting so bad. I fucked things up. I just wanted...I needed something...comfort to move on."
The walls around my heart fracture. My world plummets, collides with the earth and explodes in a blaze of pure agony.
He was going to use me.
"Your first time can't be like that. Fuck!" His broad shoulders tremble as he continues to break down in my bed. "Why am I such a fuck up? Why do I keep hurting people?"
I'm at a loss for words. My limbs are paralyzed. This pain...it's so much worse than the one I felt yesterday. I was willing to get over him lying to me about Pepper. I was willing to embrace him chosing me in the end.
Now I'll never trust Lucas again.
He was going to use me for sex. My virginity would have gone to him while he was thinking of another girl. I blink back a sudden onslaught of tears and pull my legs up to my chest. He was going to use me because he still loves her. Nothing has changed. I was so close to making such a huge mistake. I withhold a sob and place my forehead against my knees. I was so stupid. I should have listened to the old me. I should have put my feelings aside and rationalized like I always do. I shouldn't have broken my rules.
"I'm so sorry, Amber," he croaks. "I care about you so much. I really do love you. I just...we just broke up last night a-and she said she h-hates me. I pushed her to hate me. She never wants to see me again."
I look up slowly and wipe my damp eyes. "Pepper." It's not a question, but I wait for his answer anyway.
He looks up with wide eyes. "No. No, I-"
"I saw you kissing her yesterday," I recall in a monotone. "At the dance."
"Shit. I'm so sorry, Amber. I didn't want you to know because I knew it would hurt you. W-when you told me Pepper made you insecure, I knew that would ruin our chances. I thought I could figure things out with her-"
"Or you didn't want me to move on." I shift my gaze from his pleading eyes. "You clearly wanted her more than me. You knew there was a chance I would give up for sure if you told me the truth. So if things didn't work out between you two, you'd come straight to me just like you're doing right now."
He doesn't deny or accept this, but grabs my arms and digs his fingers into my flesh. "I'm so sorry. I swear, I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I just...I just wanted her to love me, and now I've lost her, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose you too, Amber. Please, don't leave me."
The anguish in his voice is too intense to ignore. His touch eases aside my barriers and begs me to open back up to him. Even after everything. Even after he was about to use me to get over her. I bite my lip and blink back tears.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
Being a second choice.
Loving and losing within minutes of each other.
It's clear that Lucas and I weren't meant to be. A part of me wishes that we were. A part of me wants to go back to the first time I chickened out and make myself take a leap of faith to date him. That time is lost. Now I know I will never take that chance with him again. I can't. I was moments away from giving him everything. Just like I give my mom everything and how she gave my dad everything. Loving people just ends up causing pain. It sends a chain reaction through the universe and bullets of betrayal and loss ricochet through innocent hearts.
I'm never giving love a chance again.
"I'm not going to leave you," I whisper.
Hope fills his eyes and brightens his face.
"But we are never going any further than this ever again." His smile falters, but I continue, "I think it's best if we just remain friends. Permanently."
I can feel his pain from my answer. He fixes his lips to say something. Defy my choice maybe. In the end, his shoulders slump and he drops his head. "I understand," he rasps. "I d-deserve no more than that. I deserve less than that. I've been a total fuck up these past few months. I keep making the wrong decisions. I just have these feelings and I can't control them. I just want to be with the ones I love."
And you end up hurting them instead.
"So, tell me what happened," I murmur. Preparing for the story of him and Pepper, I stitch up the gash in my heart and start building steel walls around it.
"No." He shakes his head. "You shouldn't have to listen to me talk about this. It's bad enough-"
"Luc," I say as sternly as possible and grab his face, forcing him to look at me. "I'm a tough girl, remember? Just talk to me. I want to know everything."
He hesitates for the briefest moment, letting me witness his building emotions. He wipes his tired face. "O-okay."
Afraid to let him see my pain, I pull him to my chest and rub his trembling back. He wraps his arms around me and sobs into my shirt. Lucas vents. He tells me everything. Every detail from the very beginning and even a little before that. He tells me all of the events of the past three months, and I listen to him with the best of my ability. I ignore my grief and cradle him in my arms as he releases everything into me.
The boy I love cries into me about his love for someone else.
I know reading anything involving Lucas, especially something this intimate, is going to be difficult. Especially, after he just assaulted Pepper. Though this chapter was completely for Amber's development.
So what are you guys thinking? About her choice, her thoughts, everything?
Even though her romantic journey ends here, Paper Sails has the full intention of continuing it!
🖤 bri sommers 🖤