A/N Mentions of dead bodies throughout the chapter.
Thursday 25th June 2037
Joe wonders how the sun can keep on shining, now that she's gone. Each time he sees it rise, it's another day Ruby isn't coming home. He has to go and identify her today, having volunteered. He didn't want Dianne to have to face that task, it's not fair. He is going to double check, to see if she does want to come. He's going with his dad, because there is every chance he will breakdown before he sees her for, what he assumes, to be one of the last times.
No one knows what she is going to look like, she's had her autopsy report and it was nothing but a tragic accident, she can come home to be buried in their local cemetery. A place that they will be able to say goodbye.
The whole house seems to have just existed over the last ten days, neither of the kids had tried school again. He knew that Maddie was wanting to go back far too early, but he had to give her the option. He had to give both of them the option.
He hadn't really seen Theo much, apart from the occasional time he left him room to go and get food or to pee. He wondered what he was doing in there, he assumes he was playing video games, but he wasn't sure. Maddie, on the other hand, she was sleeping on the sofa. Many a time had he walked in to make a coffee and found her lying there. Some of the times, he would stand back watching her breathe, just to check that she was okay, just like he had done when she was tiny. If she wasn't sleep, she would have some stupid TV show he didn't know the name of in the background.
And then there was Dianne. She had barely spoken, besides the necessities, like when he told her he would go to identify the body. She had laid in bed for the last ten days, with the curtains shut. Not that he was counting, but he knew she had only showered twice. He was worried about her, she hadn't spoken to the kids. She didn't even make a comment when she found out Maddie had tried school. She just laid there, looking into space. He didn't know if she slept or not, but she had shimmied away when he tried to cuddle her. He knew he had to be strong, for all of them, but it was so, so hard.
'Are you coming?' He asks quietly, as he opens the curtain a little bit. It was the first time he had done so, his eyes squinting at the natural light. He watched as Dianne propped herself up with her elbows. He noted she looked like a ghost. One year, in secondary school, they had dressed up as ghosts. He didn't know it was possible, but she looked even paler than she did then. She looks ill, really ill. He doesn't know what to say. He's met with a shake of her head, as he nods as he changes his sweatpants for his jeans.
'Tell her I love her.' She chokes out. 'Please tell her I love her and that I am really sorry. I just can't.' He nods, swallowing the sob that threatens to explode. If he was like this now, how would he be when he's there? It was his job to protect her, when she was little it was from the monster under the bed, as she got older it became protecting her from boys breaking her heart. Yet, he had failed. She still had her heartbroken, he had failed to prevent that. Maybe he had driven her into dating that twat? Maybe it was because of him.
Most importantly, he had failed to protect her at university. If he had insisted on picking her up that night, like Dianne wanted, she would be there. Whilst he was trying to let her enjoy her life, he had failed and, as a result of that, she was lying stone dead in a morgue. As much as he wanted to believe that this wasn't true, he knew deep down it would be his baby girl. She would be the one on the table, but until he saw her there, he could pretend that it wasn't her.
He didn't say much to his dad, he had never experienced this before. What is the done thing? He didn't want his dad to think he was weak, he knows he's being stupid but the moment he lets his guard down he didn't think he would ever stop crying.
'It will be okay.' He says eventually, 'It won't ever be the same, but you will learn to cope.' Joe just shakes his head, he doesn't know how he is going to get through today, let alone any time in the future. 'I'll be with you the whole time.' He promises, and at the moment that is the most comforting thing to Joe.
'You promise?' He's met with a nod, pitying the man. He hasn't looked that scared since he started school, the look of terror haunting his face. Graham hadn't known why he was so sacred, but he got over it pretty quick. This he wouldn't. This isn't something that would just turn off. He wasn't even this terrified when Ruby was born, and he was a mess then.
'I promise son' as the satnav announces that they are nearly there, they are nearly at the morgue. They weren't sure how this would work, they had seen it a million times in the movies, but this wasn't a horror movie, this was their lives. They aren't watching a faceless character identify someone, Joe was going to identify his daughter.
'Mr Sugg and-' The young woman greets them, being careful as to how she presents herself.
'Mr Sugg.' Graham replies, 'I'm his dad.' Usually he would make some sarcastic comment, but this wasn't the time or place. They listen as they are taken to a room. The only thing Joe could think it looked like was a hospital waiting room. It was clinical, and it was bright. TV's tended to portray it was dark and dingy. This wasn't, it was almost too bright.
'Will I recognise her?' Joe chokes out, trying not to cry. 'Will she look the same.'
'There is a bit of bruising.' The woman tells him, 'But yes you should.' She hands him a picture, he is identifying her over a photograph, but he is allowed to see her in the room.
'That's her.' He says, not entirely sure what he is saying. On the printed piece of paper, that is his daughters face, he was willing it not to be. Now there is no denying. She is gone.
'Take your time.' She tells them, as they gravitate towards the room, as the door opens Graham grabs his son's hand.
The room is well lit, and the table is at the back of the room. Each step feels like a marathon, and he's worried he is going to collapse. He can feel the nausea creeping its way up, the last thing he wants to-do is throw up on his daughter. Graham is behind him, still holding his hand.
He examines her features, she looks like she is sleeping. Her face is bruised, and it's obvious she has hit her head. He doesn't want to think about how she fell into the river, but it looked nasty. He doesn't want to think about whether she knew if she was dying, or if she felt the pain that it would have emitted. If she did, it doesn't echo throughout her face. Joe doesn't know where to begin, he takes in gown she has been put in. They were going to put her clothes and her personal belongings in a bag that Joe would be able to take home. He knows they are going to have to clean out her room, but the uni have been good and given them as much time as they need. Currently, that isn't important, they can think of that later.
He doesn't know what to say, he's transfixed by her. Just like when she was born, he can't take her eyes off her. She looks like a life size doll. She's not as pale as she thought she would be, she isn't as pale as Dianne.
'Yes.' He tells the woman, turning his body slightly so he is facing her. 'That is her.' She looks peaceful, something that he would take with him. She doesn't look like she is in pain, in fact, if he didn't know differently he would have thought she was sleeping. 'I love you so much sweet-pea.' He chokes out, at the moment the other people in the room, it's just him and his daughter. 'I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I failed you.' He feels a squeeze of his hand, taking no notice.
His free hand stretches to his daughter's cold face, gently moving a stray piece of hair out of her eyes. 'I went mad.' He starts, not sure who he is talking to, himself of the other people in the room? 'When she dyed her hair, she laughed it off.' He runs his hand through her hair, someone has clearly taken the time to brush it and make her presentable. She looks so perfect. 'And then she came home with the dip-dye, and it grew on me.'
'She's very pretty.' A voice say's quietly, neither of them acknowledging it. They knew she was stunning, even now she looked beautiful.
'Mummy loves you.' Joe starts. 'Theo and Maddie love you, I love you my perfect baby girl.' He says, sobbing. 'Nana and grandad.' He's referring to Mark and Rina, neither of them could face today. Everyone had the option, but they had all refused. He didn't hold it against them, it was hard. 'Grandma and grandad, auntie Zoe and your cousins, uncle Andrew, uncle Brendan. All your friends.' He pauses for breath, as a stray tear falls down his cheek. Graham wants nothing more than to pull him in close, but this is a moment for Joe and Ruby. 'You are so loved baby girl. I miss you more than anything, your mess rivals that of your mums, your cheeky grin or the fact you voted for Jeremy Corbyn. I miss you more and more every minute. I'm so sorry I failed you.' Graham goes to speak, but it doesn't seem right. Now isn't the moment to intrude on such a private conversation.
There's silence once again, as Joes hand strokes her cheek, the way he used to when she was a baby. She doesn't look to bad, neither knew what state she would be in, neither of them weren't sure what she would look like, but it's a comfort that they could still recognise her.
'I love you so much baby girl.' Joe repeats, almost as if he's just forgotten that he's said it. Time, for the pair of them, seems to have stood still. There isn't a clock in here, and their phones are off. What would they need them for? They weren't going to take pictures. They don't know what the time is, but it doesn't matter, no one is rushing them. 'I'm so sorry, I should have insisted you come home this weekend. I should have had you pouting all summer, because at least you would be here. I shouldn't have convinced your mum to let you stay. I didn't think this would happen.' He's right by her body now, he's let go of his dad's home, grasping his daughters instead. It felt weirdly familiar, yet so different. She has her nails painted, all bar one nail which he has been told had to be taken off, something to-do with seeing if they are conscious or not. 'Mummy, Theo, Maddie and I love you so, so, so much precious girl' letting out a sob as a tear falls onto her still body.
'I know.' His dad whispers, but Joe still seems to be stuck in the trance, like it's just the pair of them in the room. Graham is watching, but he's not watching his son. He's watching his eldest grandchild, waiting for her to take a breath and it turns out to be an elaborate prank. Before now, he held onto the belief that it wasn't her. Zoe had come up, but Joe told them not to come and visit, but agreeing to his dad coming today. He didn't want his son to be on his own, not to-do this.
That breath never comes.
A/N Thoughts?