Alexander
Thomas has been actively avoiding his mother for three days now. For such a renowned Momma's boy it is quite the feat for him to avoid all interaction and mention of her. Though I suppose it is relatively easy to avoid someone who chooses not to intrude upon the other party's home. I suppose I shouldn't give him too much credit on that front. He may be somewhat proud of his accomplishment, but I am curious to see how well he fares today when he and the rest of his family are all under one roof again.
I am praying for a small miracle that we can all maintain our composure long enough for Thomas' sister to be wed in peace. She deserves that much. However, I imagine that it will take God's grace and special attention to prevent any further aggression or conflict amongst the Jefferson brood. If God had ever heard any of my prayers I hope that he will elect to pay this particular prayer special attention, for all of our sakes.
Thomas holds Martha close, both of his arms wrapped around her little waist as she sits in his lap. Her petite fingers fumble with the pages of a book Thomas had bought for her the other day. The pages are too thin for her to grip, offering her a far too frustrating challenge for someone her age. Every few minutes Thomas will assist her by flipping up the corner for her, once she established her gip on the page his eyes would glaze over as he stared out into the oblivion of his thoughts.
If this is how the drive to the church is then I can only imagine what is going to happen during the ceremony and reception. I resist the urge to reach over and touch his hand, to offer what little solace I can. Thomas is fighting a war, with himself and his family, as much as I would like to be his ally in such a war there is a point where he has to stand on his own and decide if this is a war truly worth fighting. If the consequences are truly worth the time, effort, and strife. He has reached a point in this endeavor where I am forced to be a bystander and await whatever decision he has made. I can only hope that I will be able to wholeheartedly support that choice alongside him.
From what I can see he doesn't have any fight left in him. His transition into fatherhood has robbed him of a majority of his energy. There are shadows beginning to pool beneath his eyes and his body is beginning to droop like a cut rose. I have never seen him so diminished and exhausted. My heart chills as I am forced to accept my active participation in his decline, my responsibility. My teeth gnaw at the inside of my cheek as I attempt to focus on the road instead of the guilt gnawing away at my soul as my boyfriend slowly decayed behind me.
"You are being unnervingly quiet." He mutters, his eyes remaining trained on the country road ahead of us. Apparently, his family has a hidden chapel deep in the woods on his father's original property. Clearly, from what little information could be gleaned from the persistent arguments of the elder Jefferson children, it is the only fitting place for a woman born into the Jefferson family to be wed.
"I could say the same to you." I look him over fully for a moment, glancing at the rearview mirror, studying the contours of his face and note the eclipsed crescents beneath his eyes. "I thought perhaps you were never going to speak to me."
"I have a lot on my mind at the moment." The words escape him in a nearly incoherent mumble.
"Perhaps, you could try and put all of it out of your mind, just for today?"
"For Martha's sake." He mutters. "It wouldn't be right for me to ruin her big day like this."
"Yes, for your sister's sake, but I was also considering your lack of presence in this moment or the last." He glances over at me briefly, his eyes quickly returning to staring out into the blurry oblivion of the virginian landscape. "You are physically here, but mentally and emotionally I can't help but feel that perhaps you are lightyears away."
"That isn't my intention." He gently turns a page for Martha as she struggles to separate two pages that have clung together thanks to the humidity. "I'm just trying to adapt to how everything has changed. I can't just ignore it and hope that it will all go away."
"No one is asking you to ignore it. I am asking you to at least try and act like you're living."
"Pull over." He grumbles, shifting Martha off of his lap and back into her booster.
"What are you doing?" I snap as he extends an arm into the front of the vehicle. "You are going to cause a car accident."
"Just pull over!" He reaches a hand for the wheel as I promptly pull the car over onto the side of the road, beating his hand away lightly masking the true extent of my irritation. My skin is tingling as my blood pressure begins to steadily rise.
"Great, now we are sitting on the side of the road. Not moving...in the woods. This is like the beginning of every horror movie I have ever seen."
"Just shut up."
"What are you hoping to accomplish by making us late to your sister's wedding?" I wonder aloud. "It's not like the last three years will suddenly return to you and everything will have been different."
"You don't get it and never will."
"Enlighten me, but make it quick. We can't sit here in the woods all day."
"How do you not see that this is a lot for me? You and I were fighting when you showed up here, uninvited, and then I found out that I had a secret daughter all this time and have to figure out how to be a dad to a three year old." He rambles. " I know that your life hasn't exactly been simple or easy, but even you have to admit that this is overwhelming."
"You're right, it's overwhelming."
"Thank you." He replies cautiously, hesitant to accept his victory after such a quick concession. His eyes are hooded as he leans on the center console, his body practically draped across it. Exhaustion seems to bleed from his every pore and it takes everything I have not to reach out and hold him. "I don't think you have ever agreed with me that quickly before."
"I know this has been overwhelming. I know this has all been hard on you. Regardless of its difficulties this is the situation. This is where we are. There isn't much that can be done about it now."
"But why do I have to face it all on my own?" He raises in challenge.
"You don't have to! I have wanted to help you ever since I got here but you have shut everyone who loves you out and pushed us away." I bring his hand to my lips and place a tentative kiss. "Forgive me for not fighting harder to reach you."
"Why didn't you tell me about Eliza?" He murmurs. "Why did you push me away? I didn't deserve that."
"You didn't."
"Then why did you do this to me?"
"Thomas," I whisper. "There are young ears, perhaps this is not the best time."
"Please, Alex, I need to know." His fingers wrap around my hand, clinging with fading strength as he struggles to convince me of his resolve. The exhausted and hurt expression on his face strikes me almost as deeply as the sadness and pain in his eyes. The fragile sincerity of his gaze pulled the truth from my soul with the sweetest agony known only to lovers.
"I have had to fight my whole life, Thomas. This was simply one more battle in the war of my existence. You are my peace, Thomas. Nothing has every felt as right as when I am with you, but I fear that you cannot understand the bigger pictures that are illustrated in my head." He stares at me with hooded eyes as I fumble over my words. "I was afraid of what you would say, of what you would think of me for considering such a proposition. You are the only person I have ever met that is capable of inspiring both fear and passion within me. My fear overwhelmed me in this particular circumstance."
"We are supposed to be partners Alexander. You and I, no one else." His forehead rests against mine as my eyes flutter shut. "I don't care the circumstance, you should always be able to rely on me or trust me to be there beside you. My heart is yours," he whispers. "My thoughts will never stray far from your good opinion no matter what you do. You simply have to trust in the truth of my feelings for you and the actions it inspires."
Warmth encompasses my heart as our breath mingles and mixes. All words fail to describe the gentle power of these emotions washing over me. My eyes remain closed as I allow myself to reside within this warmth and loving moment. We are both far from completely forgiving one another for the damage we have inflicted upon one another, but we are both capable of acknowledging that we are not willing to live separated from one another. He needs me just as much as I need him. We will just have to continue to work towards finding the perfect balance for our relationship, supporting both our affections and ambitions.
"Alex, we need to get going." He breaks me free of my thoughts and I find myself to be rather dazed by my sudden reappearance in reality. "We shouldn't be late to the ceremony." He retreats back to his seat as I take a steadying breath, nodding in affirmation as I place both my hands firmly back on the wheel. I can feel the gentle warmth of his eyes resting on the back of my neck as I shift the car back onto the road and we are once more on our way.