Ten (Kleinsen)
There were times when Evan needed to talk to Jared, those were ones. There were times he needed to see Jared, those were twos. There were times where he needed to hold his hand, those were threes. There were fours, where he needed to breathe and close his eyes. Fives where he needed to lay his head on Jared's shoulder and hear him speak. Then six was listening to his heartbeat. Sevens, when he was held close and got to wear Jared's jacket or flannel. And eights, listening to Jared hum to him. Nines where he went through a lot and complicated process of describing how he felt while feeling textures of different objects, because it was that severe he needed to do so and focus on other things.
And then there were tens.
Evan had never had a ten, and honestly, he was too afraid to say ten. He was calmed down by closeness, by being able to physically feel and hear Jared. And what was ten? Words. Simply words being muttered to him in his ear while Jared practically...held him.
That doesn't sound bad at all, it sounds rather comforting. It sounds like just another way for Jared to help Evan cope. But oh, no. No, no, no. While going over what to do if Evan was having a ten, Jared said he'd say comforting and encouraging things like, 'You’ll be okay.’ and, 'I love you.’ The I love you part had Evan knowing he'd freak out even more. Evan so badly wanted to hear Jared say he loved him, but in that situation was the only place it was acceptable. And if he said it then, it would make it worse on Evan. He couldn't lie just to hear it, because then he'd feel guilty.
Also, if the coping mechanism had anything to do with words, Evan tried to avoid it. Multiple times Jared referred to Evan as sweetie and HIS baby, and oh God, he couldn't handle that during an anxiety attack. He could only think about two things: Being with Jared, or Jared hating him for having feelings for him. He was afraid to lose him. He wanted to be even closer, but he couldn't.
Often Evan would have breakdowns from imagining things like just...being with him. He'd wrap his blanket around him and pretend it was his arms, only to press his head into a pillow and cry about it. He wanted to kiss Jared, snuggle him, sleep in his arms, be called his baby, he wanted that all. But he couldn't have it. He couldn't have the love and attention he wanted, because they were just friends. Nothing more than friends, and only ever to be friends.