Tyler Stevens, 23
Boy Toy
Yes, I know what you're thinking. Couldn't I get a different spokesperson for the scientific community? You would think so, but it is in fact extraordinarily difficult to track down experts who have the kind of access to the world's leading scientific minds — not to mention other parts of their anatomy — that Tyler does. Most recently, he has been "involved" with one of the world's leading infectologists, Dr. Chandra Meyer.
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Welcome back, Mr. Stevens.
Hey! Great to see you again! Notice anything different about me?
You grew a beard. Kind of.
I did! 'Cause I am done looking like some immature boy toy. Now I look like a grown-ass man-toy!
You do, indeed.
Thanks. So what can I do you for?
I was hoping you could give us some insight into the the zombie virus.
Well, actually, it's not a virus at all. Chandra's theory is it's a fungus.
So it's like a mushroom?
Sort of. [Grins] And you know what else is like a mushroom?
I'm sure I do. So explain how—
I'm talking about my penis.
Super. So this fungus—
My penis is shaped like a mushroom, is what I'm saying. For her pleasure.
I get it. And I get it.
Cool. Just wanted to clear up any lingering ambiguity.
You did. So the zombie fungus...?
Right. We're dealing with a microscopic fungus, which invades the host — us — through a bite or a scratch or really anything that breaks the skin. It then spreads throughout the body. And what's amazing about this fungus is that it has the ability to transmit neural impulses, and the result is a decentralized neural network.
Boom! That's right, mofo! You just got back-handed across the face with some righteous info! Oh, yeah! That's gonna leave a mark!
Are you done?
Sorry. I just like knowing stuff.
Clearly. So is this decentralized neural network the reason that headshots don't stop zombies?
It is. It also makes them hard to kill with piercing weapons or blunt force trauma. Heck, you cut off their arm and the arm keeps coming after you. Why? Because their brains aren't just in their heads. They're everywhere.
But all this it comes with a cost. Their system is redundant and therefore less vulnerable, but they also think and react much slower than we do.
So what is the best way to kill them? Or re-kill them, I guess.
You need to simultaneously effect as much of the body as you can. It's why flamethrowers are so effective. I'm sure high explosives would work. If you managed to push them into a vat of sulfuric acid or an active volcano, that would also do the trick. Although I'm not sure how practical that is.
How about swords?
I wouldn't recommend them.
What about Marietta Weiss?
Not really my type.
OK. Is there any hope in developing a vaccine or a cure?
Chandy is very upbeat about the possibility. From a scientific perspective, anyway.
What other perspective is there?
Popular opinion.
Why does that matter?
I don't know. It just does. See, there's this idea out there the zombie outbreak was a result of diet soda.
Seriously?
Yeah. It's a whole movement now. They have a celebrity spokesperson and everything.
Who is their spokesperson?
Quicki Bendover.
Quicki Bendover... the adult film star?
[Lucas: "No, Aaron. Quiki Bendover the quantum physicist."]
People find her very convincing. She wrote a book and everything.
OK, fine, but that won't stop Dr. Meyer from coming up with a cure, right?
Well, that requires money and in this climate there's not a lot of it going towards science. Between that and all the public attention on Quicki's diet soda crusade, it's been very difficult for Chandy to get funding.
Sweet silicon Jesus! This is a disaster! Is there any good news?
There is, actually! We are confident that zombie-ism is not — I repeat, not — a sexually transmitted disease.
I know I'm going to regret asking this, but... how do you know that?
Because I've had sex with them.
Them? You mean, you had sex with more than one?
[At this point, Lucas began vomiting: "Blaaaaarg!"]
Well, in my defense, the first one was an accident.
What?!
She wasn't a zombie when we started... but I'm sure you've heard the stories of my phenomenal staying power.
We did. From you.
Well, let me assure you: It's all true! And she turned into a zombie when we were halfway through.
She turned into a zombie and you just kept going?
I didn't realize she was a zombie, obviously.
You didn't notice anything was odd?
Not really. She was thrashing around, making weird noises, begging me to kill her. The usual.
The women you sleep typically beg you to kill them?
It's only natural. I mean, how much pleasure can one woman take?
But if you spent so much time having sex with a zombie—
[Lucas: "Blaaaaarg!"]
—how is it that she didn't bite or scratch you?
Believe me, she tried, but luckily she couldn't reach me. Doggie style, for the win!
[Lucas: "Blaaaaarg!"]
What about — and I don't know why I'm still going down this path — the other zombies you had sex with. You didn't know they were zombies, either?
No, I knew.
So why did you have sex with them?
For science!
Ummmm...
It was Chandy's idea, actually. She wanted to determine the possible methods by which the fungus may be transmitted, and thanks to us we know that we have nothing to fear from extended intimate human/zombie contact. You're welcome.
Was she worried that you would turn into a zombie?
She took precautions. She kept a flamethrower pointed at me at all times and would have torched me at the first sign of trouble.
Wait. Your girlfriend was willing to torch you?
Our relationship is complicated.
How many zombie women did you have to sleep with?
Twenty-four.
You're kidding!
We needed a statistically significant sample. I also slept with twenty-four non-zombies.
Because...?
We needed a control group.
[Lucas: "Blaaaaarg!"]
I'd like to change the topic to something a little less... um... vomity, if it's OK with you.
Sure. Although I don't think Lucas has much more left in the tank.
Anyway, we've all been talking about "zombies," but have yet to come up with a precise definition of the term.
Well, I think "zombie" is really a disease. It's something you have, not something you are. Like, if you're bleeding from your eyes, nose, ears and anus—
[Lucas: "Blaaaaarg!"]
Sorry Lucas. That one's on me.
I'm pretty sure the other ones were on you, too.
The point is that if you have those symptoms, nobody says you are an Ebola. You have ebola.
Boom! I made that shit up myself! On the fucking fly, y'all! Tyler Stevens in da house, free-stylin' some mad science! What-what?
OK. So what about the term undead? What does that mean?
Ooh. That's a tough one. Because they show signs of being both dead and alive at the same time. Hmmm. You know, I'm not sure that science is equipped to provide an answer. Tell you what: I'm going sleep with a philosopher and get back to you.
That's nice of you.
What can I say? I love learning.
[Lucas: "Blaaaaarg!"]
And finally, while we're waiting for Dr. Meyer to develop a cure is there anything else we can do to contain the spread of the zombie, um, fungus.
In fact, there is. Chandy believes that a well-timed quarantine could do wonders for slowing and maybe even reversing the growth of the zombie population.
Terrific! So when is the ideal time for this to happen?
According to her calculations... six weeks ago.