---- [W -> D] ----
W: Doggo or catto?
D: Emo
----
D: It's okay Wally
D: Don't cry,
W: I'm begging you Dick please don't
D: C r a f t
----
W: But here's the thing
W: Most boys aren't just like either cute or hot.
W: You get one, not both.
W: But then, out of nowhere, when god was mixing, in his little mixing pot, he was like, let me do both
W: And so he took hot, and he took cute, and he put them in the mixing bowl
----
D: REEEEEE
---- [The Three Muskequeers] ----
R: I swear to you if you refer to me as mama, mommy, mother, or any other variation of mom one more time, I'm going to shoot you
W: Not in public I hope, Mama
D: You'd get in trouble then, Mom
R: I've always wanted to go to prison, so you brats better run well you can
---- [W -> D] ----
D: Buckle up, buttercup you just flipped my bitch switch
----
W: I FUCKING LOVE COLOURING
----
D: I'm hiding in the vents of Lex Corp, entertain me
W: Storytime!
W: Okay so, One time I was playing the Sims and I wanted to make me and Hartley, but I wanted to make us separately and have us meet. But when I moved into my house, I had this sexy ass neighbor. I figured I could have a fling with him and break it off and get with Hartley later,
D: Nice, romance born from rebound W: But then the neighbours' kid got attached to me and I couldn't just end it when I was so close to his daughter. I really cared about him too.
D: Wtf
W: Hush I'm not done! So the only thing I could do was have it end in tragedy. That way I wouldn't have to break up with the guy and I could adopt his daughter to stay close to her.
W: He passed away peacefully on fire in the kitchen
W: Now in previous games, when a kid is taken away by CPS, the next kid you adopt is the same kid. Welp that didn't carry over into sims 4 so the daughter ended up being taken away and erased from the game by the great sims deity.
D: You orphaned a child!!
W: It was in sims!
W: Anyway, I'm a sentimental man, so I kept neighbour mans tombstone around. I'd occasionally chat with his ghost, but he seemed cold to me. I can't help but think he was a bit mad his daughter no longer existed. But this escalated once I started seeing Hartley. His ethereal visits became more frequent and more hostile, usually breaking my electronics or creating a mess. But he went overboard when he started the fire.
D: This story is so gay
W: Being a sim that died in a fire, his ghost had certain abilities specific to his death (setting fires). He got pissed because I kissed Hartley so he set my couch on fire that ended up barricading us in the bedroom. Now I couldn't find the fire alarm in buy mode and I hadn't had the foresight to predict my spiteful ghost died-in-a-fire ex-boyfriend would be an afterlife arsonist to care about it that much so a lot of the house had burned by the time I could get the FD there.
W: After having almost nothing covered by insurance (thanks Obama), Hartley sat me down to have a talk with me.
D: Dude
W: While I couldn't understand him, I imagine he said "What the fuck you need to deal with your crazy ass ex-boyfriend ghost. This never would have happened if you weren't a thirst little sim bitch and dated me first."
D: Thirsty little sim bitch!
W: I approached the grave. It was time to release him. He was waiting for me. He knew this was the end. That after this, there was no coming back from the afterlife. I know he tried to kill me, and he knows I got his daughter deleted, but at that moment, it was just like old times. Telling each other jokes 27 times in a row until he would have sex with me.
W: We had a final ghostly embrace and he was gone. I sold his tombstone for 300 bucks and bought a microwave.
D: I thought this story was going to be complete garbage tbh
D: But I enjoyed this more than the last season of YJ
----
W: What is the plural of goose, goose's or geese's
D: ...Wait
----
D: I'll keep all my emotions right here
D: And then one day, I'll die
----
W: What are you trying to do?
D: My goddamn best
----
D: Ohh I got some spooky ass demons
----
W: Get your sketchy punk ass over here
D: Calm your pastel ass down
----
D: That's so sad
D: Alexa, play Despacito
----
W: Have you met prince charming?
W: I'm nothing like him
W: I'm better
----
D: Pray For The Wicked actually killed me so if you need me I'll be digging then flinging myself into my grave
----
W: Listen here Mr. Sadistic Night-
----
D: Wally
D: Who's calling you? Do you have a friend your not telling me about?
----
W: Which is messier my hair or my life
----
D: I've said it once and I'll say it again: What t h e fuck did we do to deserve Brendon Urie?
----
W: Do you think that mosquitoes dare their friends to bite somebody with bug-spray on
D: No because mosquitos don't have complex thoughts
W: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to a mosquitos expert
----
D: Nothing like a nice murder to cheer me up
----
W: Listen dude, your panicking at the wrong disco! I didn't steal your coffee
D: Shut the fuck up I know it was you
----
D: It's kinda scary how much people trust me.
----
W: Who dat attractive man in da mirror
W: Das me
----
D: I'm such a sarcastic bitch it's beautiful
----
W: I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart,
W: I didn't sign up for this shit
----
D: Seduce me with your history knowledge
----
W: I forgot my fake ID and a man called soup is buying me vodka
----
D: Anyway, I'm beautiful and radiant and hilarious and witty and perfect, what's up with you guys?
----
W: We're dead
D: Calm down, no we're not
W: Yes we are
W: If we don't die here, Iris will kill us for sure
----
D: Me caring is a publicity stunt
----
W: I guess I'm just too tough to cry
D: Just today you were crying about snakes
W: They don't have any arms!
----
D: Wally?
W: Yes Dick?
D: Why don't eggs taste like chicken?
W: I don't know. Go to sleep
---- [The Three Muskequeers] ----
W: Roy I know it's late but listen, eggs don't taste like chicken and I need to know why
---- [W -> D] ----
D: Hey, tol meme
W: Yes, smol bean?
----
W: I DON'T EVEN HAVE A REACTION PICTURE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS SHIT
----
D: As of Thursday, the average gasoline price was $2.961 a gallon nationwide, according to AAA, compared with $2.367 a year ago. The average exceeds $2.99 a gallon in 17 states, up from just 10 states two weeks ago.
W: Listen, Dick, I'm telling you, its an epidemic. https://www.cnbc.com/2018/05/25/us-gasoline-prices-rise-near-3gallon-ahead-of-driving-season.html
D: Gas prices are no joke, and we seriously need to start forcing politicians and people in power to act on the fossil fuel crisis
---- [The Three Muskequeers] ----
W: Roy looks like that guy from a kids show teaching the alphabet who hates his job and his life
R: C is for contemplating death
D: Download the full track here on iTunes
----