"Elliot, I-I don't want to see you right now. Go away," she choked through tears. She could hear him let out a sigh.
"Olivia, I'm so sorry," he whispered. "Look, I'm sliding my phone number under the door... my address too. Call... Come by... Anything, just don't-don't shut me down without hearing me out."
Olivia looked down and saw the white piece of paper with Elliot's chicken scratch handwriting.
"Tell me you'll call."
Olivia paused for a moment. She didn't want to, but she also wouldn't allow herself to stay away for much longer. "I'll call."
Elliot felt a weight lift off his shoulders. She would call. Didn't matter when, didn't matter where. Just as long as she did.
She heard him walk away and then the ding of the elevator. Just as she picked up the piece of paper, the smoke alarm went off. The food, she thought. She ran over to the stove and saw that the noodles were cooked to a mush and the sauce in the pan was on fire. Olivia cursed loudly as she picked up the hot pan and threw it in the sink. She turned off the boiling noodles and buried her face in her hands. She was doing just fine without him, and as soon as she learned how to cope, he showed up.
"I tried to tell you it was burning," she heard Rae state matter of factly.
Olivia turned around and Rae saw her tear stained cheeks. She was never one to cry, especially not in front of anyone, but extenuating circumstances wouldn't allow her to keep up her facade. Rae walked over and hugged her aunt tightly. Olivia rested her chin on the girl's head, willing herself not to cry anymore. Not right then anyway.
"Who was that man?" she asked.
"My old partner. He left sometime ago and this is my first time seeing him since."
"You love him," Rae said as more of a statement than a question.
Olivia hesitated for a second and then nodded. "I did."
"You do."
Olivia pulled away and forced a smile. She appreciated the young girl in front of her. Rae often told her how she had saved her, but in actuality it was Rae who had saved Olivia.
The eldest brunette cupped the teen's face and kissed her forehead. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For everything, Rae. You've been here for me. You've helped me in ways you don't understand, in ways you can't even comprehend and I'm so grateful that you're my niece. You're special to me. You're a really great kid and I love you."
Rae chuckled a little and gave Olivia a small push to lighten the mood. "You aren't so bad yourself."
"I have to go next door for a sec and grab something from Ms. Jackson. Wanna order takeout for us?"
"What do I order?"
"Uh, whatever you want, sweetie. I'm not picky."
*
Olivia knocked twice and Ms. Jackson answered with a worried look on her face. She could tell something was wrong with Olivia by the red, puffy eyes, the sadness that they held, the way she stood there completely speechless. Ms. Jackson extended her arms and Olivia fell into them without hesitation, sobbing uncontrollably. Olivia was careful not to put all her weight on her, as she was a small lady. Ms. Jackson had been like a mother to her ever since they were neighbors, never missing a beat of Olivia's life, whether she was wanted or not.
She rubbed soothing circles on Olivia's back and whispered, "Let it all out, honey." She led Olivia to the nearest couch and sat down, still holding Olivia in her arms and rocking her slightly. "It's okay. I gotcha. You're okay."
Once Olivia had calmed down, Ms. Jackson heard her slightly hiccupping against her shoulder, neither one of then wanting to let go. "I still love him," Olivia said just barely above a whisper.
"And judging by the way he slammed you against my wall he loves you too." Olivia wiped her tears away and sat up. "That the married guy you told me you had an affair with?"
Olivia nodded. "It was only one time, though. I swear."
"Listen honey. Just hear him out. He begged you. Not often do you hear a man beg. He was practically on his knees. I heard the worry in his voice-"
"But he left me. He. Left. Me." Ms. Jackson didn't interrupt. Olivia needed to let it all out. "When I went through everything with Lewis, he was the only one I wanted. I called for him, cried for him every night of my life and he thinks he can just show up at my door, waltz back into my life, and everything would go back to normal?!" She paused to take a breath and lower her voice. "After the first.. you know when we uh,"
Ms. Jackson furrowed her brows trying to read in between the lines and decipher what Olivia wasn't saying. She and Olivia had a mutual understanding- a relationship where Ms. Jackson understood without Olivia having to say much as she was not a woman of many words to begin with (at least not about her personal feelings and emotional needs anyway). She understood the things that Olivia didn't say. It clicked soon after. "Oh, after you two had sex?" Olivia nodded quickly. "You thought the deal had been sealed."
"Yes! And then in the morning he went right back home to his wife. Two weeks later he was gone. I thought... I thought he might've used me. I was a little tipsy but definitely nowhere near drunk. We knew exactly what we were doing." Olivia paused to wipe a stray year. "That night before he went home he said he loved me."
"And you thought he'd leave his wife to be with you."
"I was broken!"
"And you don't think he was broken too? Olivia, honey, you must realize that this is much bigger than just you. You are not the only victim in this. Sure what he did was wrong... brutal even. But I'm sure there's a good reason. Call him."
"What?"
"You love him. He loves you. So call him. Doesn't have to be today, doesn't have to be tomorrow, maybe not even next week, but call him. Listen to him. Talk with him, not at him. Agree to disagree. Forgive him and go get your man."
"But things are different now. I have Rae. There's more than just me to think about."
"Olivia Benson, give me one more but and I swear I'll slap you." Olivia's lip quivered in amusement and before long the two had burst into laughter. The mood had been lightened. Olivia couldn't possibly picture Ms. Jackson laying a finger on anyone, let alone herself and truth be told, she never would.
"No really Olivia," she took Liv's left hand in hers and stroked it with the other. Olivia looked at her, eyes heavy and wet. "Sometimes you have to move past the hurt and just try again. If you look at it, I'm sure the good outweighs the bad. It always does. Don't allow temporary feelings to dictate your future." She reached up and wiped Olivia's tears away, cupping her cheek in the process. Olivia leaned into the gesture and gave a small smile. She could see tears well up in her mentor's eyes. "No man will ever love you like he does so don't push him out. You love him so go after him because if you don't, you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. The what if's, could haves, and should haves will almost kill you."
Olivia solemnly nodded in agreement. Ms. Jackson was finally getting through to her. "How-how do you always know what to say?"
"I'm sixty-five, honey. I've dealt with a lot. And I've been in this situation," she choked through tears. "Only difference is that I let mine walk away. My one true love. I couldn't seem to get over my anger although he begged me. Thought I did what was right. Turns out I'm the one that got hurt in the end and hell will freeze over before I let you do that to yourself. You've been through a lot, Olivia, and you deserve the best life has to offer. Stop self sabotaging!"
Olivia chuckled a little. "If I had a dime for every time I heard that line."
Ms. Jackson smiled and watched Olivia wipe her tears away, this time for good. "I'm gonna talk to him," Olivia nodded with a change of heart. "I need to talk to him."
"Atta girl." She paused and then very slyly asked, "How good was it?"
Olivia whipped her head around to meet a smug grin and squinting eyes, hoping Ms. Jackson wasn't asking what she thought she was asking. She knew that question would come sooner or later, though. "Wait, what?" Olivia laughed trying to buy time.
"How good was the sex!? He looks like he can tap that."
"Ms. Jackson, I'm not-"
"Oh, girl just shut up and tell me!"
"Best I ever had in my life! Mind blowing! Tap that is an understatement. Haven't been the same woman since!"
The two bursted into another fit of laughter. It was exactly what they needed.
They heard a knock at the door and Olivia answered it. Rae stood there on the other side accompanied by the delivery man. "Food's here," she shrugged. She walked away and back into the apartment without saying another word. Her mood did not go unnoticed by her aunt.
Olivia felt her pockets for money but realized she left her wallet in her apartment. She gave Ms. Jackson a quick hug and left.
"What'd you order?" Olivia asked taking the small boxes out of the bag.
"Chinese." Rae scribbled things down in her notebook, not bothering to look up.
"Take a break and come eat with me."
"Nah. I'm not really hungry."
Olivia slowly made her way closer to Rae and peered down at her. She was journaling but the writing was so small she couldn't read it. Rae could sense her proximity and slammed it shut.
Olivia sat down beside her and reached for her hand but she snatched away. "Rae talk to me. Don't shut me out."
"I'm fine."
"Liar," Olivia scoffed. "Look whatever it is please just talk to me, honey. Tell me what's going on. I swear you were fine just a minute ago."
Rae pursed her lips and whispered, "You love that man."
"Yeah. What does that have to do with-"
"You're gonna leave me! You'll want him more and you're gonna leave!"
Olivia was dumbfounded. What did she and Elliot's relationship have to do with her? Why would she leave?
"Sweetheart why would you say that?"
"It's why I'm here in the first place," she finally admitted. "My dad said he loved his girlfriend more than me so... so he dropped me off here. He didn't want me because she didn't like me. He always chose them over me."
She could hear Rae starting to break down so she pulled her into a hug. "I'm not leaving. You're not leaving. Nobody's going anywhere. If I'm in love or not, it has nothing to do with you. Your presence doesn't affect anything... not negatively anyway, okay?" Olivia felt her nod against her chest. "You're my little girl and you're not going anywhere."
Rae looked up at her through her dark eyelashes and tear filled eyes. "Really?"
Olivia gave her a reassuring smile. "Really really."