I cough into the sleeve of my hoodie. I've been coughing all morning and now my chest aches because of it. Maybe the cold is finally getting to me.
I manage to open my locker and get a few things out of it. I sigh softly, feeling the distant stinging pain again. And oddly I feel almost at peace with myself. I still feel like a psychopath, but at peace. I'm crazy in my head, by myself, all alone. Sometimes that's just how it has to be.
"Jax?" I heard behind me.
I turn to Hielee in a grey sweater and jeans. Her hair is up in that messy bun I love so much.
I forced a smile, "Hi."
She spoke quietly, "You didn't ... text me back all weekend."
"I'm sorry. I went through a few things and ..."
"It's okay," She frowned. "I just thought you might have been mad at me or something."
I shook my head, "No. Never that."
She stepped to me and slowly pulled my hood down. I felt her soft hands on the sides of my temples. I closed my eyes for that quick second, embracing her warmth.
She held my face, "Are you okay? You don't look good. You look ... sick. What happened this weekend?"
I shrugged, "I'm just really tired and just stuff."
"Have you been eating?" She asked.
I nodded.
"How's your sleep?"
"Shitty," I answered. "I've been having nightmares. Sometimes my anxiety gets really bad and I stay awake."
She sighed. I see the worry in her eyes. I hear it in her voice, "You're not well, at all. Come over to my place after school?"
I put my hands over hers, "That would be great. Maybe I can catch up on some sleep."
I could tell that she wanted to smile, but the state I'm in that she's currently witnessing doesn't allow it. I never mean to hurt anyone or drag anyone into my bullshit for that matter.
"Can I be honest?" I said after she dropped her hands.
She nodded, "Always."
"I think I'm getting bad again. Really bad." I whispered.
"Well, it doesn't take a genius to see that."
I look down. For some reason under her stare I feel ... ashamed. And weak. She pulls my hood back up and brushes my hair behind my ear.
She kissed my cheek, "Lay low today. Take it easy. Okay?"
"Yeah. I'll try." I replied.
"Also ... Clay is back."
I shrugged, "I don't care. He just needs to stay the fuck away from me and he'll be fine."
"Please, please don't try and stick out like a sore thumb. It was luck the first time I managed to get you out of there before a dean could get to you."
I rolled my eyes, "I don't try and stick out, you know. Trouble just happens to follow wherever I go. That asshole has always been around picking at me. I finally snapped."
"Yeah, I know." She dead panned.
"Why was he gone so long anyway? I don't think I did that much damage." I asked.
She shrugged, "No one actually knows. I don't want to find out."
I yawned, "I'll be on my best behavior. Promise."
She gave me a small smile and sighed. We hold eye contact for a few seconds before she grabs my hand and slips her fingers in the spaces between mine.
She whispered, "You really look like shit. Like you like you shouldn't be here. You should be in bed."
I smirked, "You wanna take me to bed?"
She rolled her eyes. She couldn't fight off her smile, "I do. To take care of you. Not to potentially have sex with you."
I chuckled, "Let's get through the day first."
"I don't think I've ever heard you say something along the lines of getting through the day. At least, not in school." She responded.
The first warning bell rang. With that, she started walking me to class. We didn't say anything else to each other.
I was sure to keep my head down weaving through people. I don't know why, but I don't feel like being seen by anyone. I feel like I need to go in hiding, but it doesn't help that Maliah and I sit together in three classes.
Her hand slipped away from mine, "Have a good first class."
I sighed, "I'll try."
I walk into class and quickly make my way to my seat. Of course Maliah is already sitting down, writing her heading in her notebook.
I pull out my chair and slide it over to the wall. I sit down and rub my itching eyes. These lights are so bright in here. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to stay awake this entire school day. I feel the drowsiness creeping up on me.
"We need to talk." Maliah said.
I don't look back at her. I don't feel like seeing her face. I'm just going to get angry all over again.
"About?"
"This weekend? How you barged in and made everything just really awkward? That was totally uncalled for." She said.
I rolled my eyes, "Maybe you shouldn't have tried to hide him."
"Or maybe you should just respect my wishes and trust me."
I snapped to her eyes, "How can I?"
She stared at me for a few seconds for saying, "You blew this out of proportion."
"Did I? Did I really, Maliah? You broke my fucking heart without even thinking about it. You only think of yourself. You're selfish."
She scoffed, "Selfish because I'm putting myself first? You'd rather me wait to cut it off?"
"Maliah you pretty much lead me on. Completely. You should've thought about that before you pulled that bullshit on me. You're gonna tell me I'm wrong?" I argued.
"I said I was sorry." She said.
"Sorry doesn't fix my fucking heart, freckles. I'd smack the shit out of you if I could." I said and turned away.
"What is that?" She asked moving closer to me.
I heaved, "What is what? Move. You're too close for comfort."
She stretched over me and pulled my right sleeve further down. I snatched my arm away and hid it behind me. I head her breath stop in her throat.
"Jax. Jax look at me right now." She whispered. I couldn't figure out her tone cause it was low to begin with.
Please lets not make a scene in class.
"No." I mumbled.
She gently grabbed my face and forced me to look at her.
Her eyes got soft. Almost as soft as the first time I kissed her. Fuck. I've missed that look, "What happened?"
I cleared my throat and shrugged, "Nothing."
"What happened? How did that happen?"
"I-" I looked away, "I'm just trying to find something that works."
"Something that works?" She repeated. "Jax what do you even mean by that?"
"Something to make the pain go away." I mumbled, suddenly feeling stupid.
I've never enjoyed speaking my thoughts and feelings out loud. Every time I do for some reason they sound stupid. Everything always sounds better and logical in your head. The whole think before you speak phrase is totally invalid in my opinion.
"Something to edge me out." I added.
I heard the tremble in her voice, "Oh Jax ... why didn't you come to me? Someone?"
I looked at her, narrowing my eyes.
She seemed to have caught my drift, "That's why you came over ..."
I clenched my jaw, "Yup."
"Jax ... I'm-"
I cut her off, "Save it. It's not your fault. I decided to do it. Not you."
She sighed, "Nothing happened between us, okay? He really did come looking for a friend. I ... should've told you. I was just mad."
"Mad about?"
"Just the way things are. Everything feels like it's falling apart," She mumbled. "I don't know how to handle it."
"Same." I said.
"I don't want space," She admitted. "But you were so set on it. Plus ... I know it's necessary, but Jax I can't give you space now if you're hurting yourself."
The final bell rang, momentarily halting the conversation. Where do we even go from here?
"You're coming over after school. Be sure to let your Mom know." She said.
"Uh, but I already said I was going to Hielee's house ..."
She gave me a very pointed look, "And let me guess. She has no idea what your wrist currently looks like. Right?"
I rolled my eyes, "That's not a reason to not like her you know."
She gave me a strong glare, "I never said I didn't like her. I'm just saying. I know you better than her and I know how to take care of you better than your own parents."
Well I can't argue with that. I just don't want her image of Hielee to gradually get worse. Hielee has done nothing, but help me. She's an amazing friend ... and none of this is her fault.
**
I waited for Maliah at the end of the school steps.
The car line to get in and even out the school is pretty bad right now. I watch people from all different angles interact with one another and prepare to leave campus.
I spot Clay from a distance. For once he's not being his usual loud and rowdy self. He's standing by himself, but I can't really get a good look of his face.
For most of the day I was absent minded. I forgot that Hielee had warned me about his return, but I didn't care. I took the same routes and did the same shit I'd normally do if he was here. Didn't run into him once.
Now it looks like he's finally getting a taste of what its like to be an outcast, if that's whats even happening here. Good for him. Fucker. Karma is a total bitch.
I felt a soft grip on my shoulder. I slightly cocked my head to the side to see Maliah stepping around me.
"You okay?" She asked.
I nodded, "Yeah. Just ... tired."
"I was expecting to see Hielee here with you."
I shook my head, "I told her I was going with you today. I don't think it sat well with her since you are a part of the reason I'm mad."
"Painting me as the bad guy, huh?"
"Nope. You painted that picture yourself." I said as I began to walk.
It was quiet between us the whole way to Maliah's house. It wasn't personally awkward to me. It might've been for her though. I was just thinking and trying to ignore the itching of my wounds.
I didn't bother to sit down on Maliah's bed. I couldn't erase the image of Hayden and Maliah laying down together. Him laying in my spot. So I sat down in her computer chair instead. She sat down on her bed, kicking off her boots and folding her legs to sit Indian style.
"So you refused the therapy?"
It sounded like more a question than it did a statement. I nodded, pulling my hood off and rolling my shoulders. I can't tell if Jane told her that or not. I don't care anymore.
"Well I think you really need it now." She added.
I rolled my eyes, "Because I need someone to tell me I have problems? I've been aware of that since freshman year."
She sighed, "Jax you hurt yourself. I'm seriously more worried than I've ever been before. You know I'm not going to sit here and condone you hurting yourself."
I spoke firmly, "I don't want to waste my time talking to a therapist."
"I don't want to see you dead! In a fucking casket!" She yelled. "I don't want to see my best friend being buried in her grave sixty or seventy years too soon."
"You think I want to feel like this?!" I yelled back. "I'm losing my fucking mind! I feel like it's freshman and sophomore year all over again! I'm fucking drowning and I don't know how to swim!"
I saw the tremble in her hands. Her face got red pretty fast and she looked down for a few seconds before meeting my eyes. If I have to talk, I might as well now.
"I don't want to be here anymore, do you get that? I tried to get weed from Chase and I couldn't even get that. I feel like it's the end of the line for me. I'm tired. I fucking hate school. I hate coming home. I hate seeing people happy. The only time I don't want to blow my brains out is when I'm with Hielee. It seems that she's the only one that understands. But if I kill myself, I'll be selfish, right? I'd be the asshole once more for my taking my life. People only give a shit about depressed people when they off themselves! They only have something to say when the person isn't even alive to hear it! Because I didn't think about how it would affect those around me, I'm the asshole that deserves to go to hell. I'm weak! I'm a coward suddenly! Well guess what!? I don't fucking care anymore!"
Maliah had rushed into my arms. I didn't even realize that I had stood up.
After these past weeks of feeling Hielee's arms wrapped around me, I forgot what it was like to have Maliah's squeezing the hell out of me. It's like the air was sucked out of my lungs and put back into me again.
I listen to her quiet sobs against my chest, feeling the warmth of her tears spreading through my shirt. I cup the back of her head and my other hand finds the dip of back. I've missed this. I've missed her body against mine. I've missed her voice and her love. I've missed sleeping in her bed with her. I've missed our friendship.
I rest my cheek on top of her head and cry with her.