Four's Logbook
I told myself I'd never write another of these- I didn't think I'd ever have the chance. But, this war has made liars of us all.
Barker's set a limit of twelve hours from now for us to finish preparations. That's twelve hours of waiting until the call goes out to the majority of the fleet in sub-orbit, and we evacuate Atania. Twelve hours until we move on Regis and decide the fate of the human race once and for all. Twelve hours to enjoy what could be my last night alive.
And yet ... I'm not afraid of dying.
It's odd- I've been in plenty of situations where it's been do-or-die. But it's always been because the plan was compromised, or something changed, whatever. Now, the plan is actually nothing more than a suicide mission. Nobody expects to get out of this one alive.
But I'm okay with that.
For once, it's nice to have an sense of closure. There's no worrying about whether or not I'm going to see the sunrise tomorrow- either we pull this off by the skin of our teeth, or we die trying. It's odd to think that, despite the complexity of everything that's led up to this point, it's all come down to such a simple end.
There's not much else to say- but there's some. If I die tomorrow, I just want to leave one last remnant of me behind. Something for others to look back on, assuming we don't fail. It's hard to put everything down into words, but I'll try.
I'm appreciative of the life I've been given, now more than ever. I know that sounds odd, given that we're facing perhaps the greatest threat that we've ever faced as a species and could all be dead tomorrow. But I think that it took exactly that for me to see all the good that's happened to me rather than the bad.
I never would have thought I'd have a purpose in life. I was nothing more than a vengeful kid taking out his rage on the world. Whatever dreams I'd had were lost in the years I spent with the IMC, drifting aimlessly through fight after fight until I finally wound up stranded on Nedar and thought, 'This is it. This is how the story of my life ends.'
But I was wrong; it wasn't the end, it was a new beginning. Every tie to my former life was cut, but what I gained was worth so much more. I found true friends among Vale and Elizabeth, friends whose loyalty is so absolute that I can never hope to repay it. I found a new meaning to my life in protecting those who couldn't protect themselves, despite the tolls it took on my own mind and body.
And then there's Kay.
In her, I found a companion whom I'd gladly spend the rest of my life with. As the situation stands, however, I highly doubt that we'll be given any such opportunity. So instead, I've been forced to commemorate my time with her however I can, hence this last little log of mine. If either of us comes back without the other, I don't want what I had with her to be forgotten.
Now, I'm going to go make some last few memories with them before we head out. If things go south, I just wanted a record for all to see just how much they meant to me. I used to think that it was the Codex that made me special. That being the Inferno was what I was put here for, that it was what defined my destiny. But I've come to realize how mistaken I was.
It was them who made me special. It was them who made my life worth it. And despite how different we are now, despite all the pain that we've gone through ... I wouldn't change a thing so long as it meant we were together.
This is Tobias Four, signing off.
-X-
The mood had quickly shifted from screaming defiance to a quiet somberness after Tobias had given his speech to the citizens of the frontier. The Embers had hope that his way with words would rally all of humanity to the fight, but they also had to prepare for the possibility that it would only be the few thousand of them against the entirety of what was left of New Humanity. The release of any deployed Titans and Pilots from the government's service had been welcome news, but they weren't fools enough to think that there wouldn't be massive numbers of drones to face; spectres, stalkers, and reapers to name a few.
Many dropships had already left Atania's surface, transporting equipment and infantry to the bulk of the fleet in sub-orbit to prepare for the upcoming assault. Tobias had volunteered to help Barker and Fenrir with the preparations, but surprisingly it had been Fenrir who turned him down. Rejecting his help wasn't what had surprised him, however; it was the reason for which she did it.
"Tonight is a night for goodbyes. Taube and I have already made our peace, but you? Don't leave anything unspoken, because there's a good chance it'll stay that way after tomorrow."
Any other day and he'd have argued, claimed that the mission was more important than whatever personal loose ends he'd left untied.
Instead, he nodded and left.
How many times had Gates or KT begged for him to slow down, to stop pushing himself so hard for fear that he might break? How many times had he hurt them because of his innate sense of responsibility that drove him to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders?
Was it a strength? A weakness? He genuinely had no answer. He knew that it was what had driven him to become the Inferno, to stop the IMC from using the fold weapon, to find the arrays and activate the Tempest. Without that drive, he didn't know what might have happened on those missions- looking back on what the past would be like with different choices was just as difficult as it was to foresee the future.
But the absolute truth was that, while it may have helped him succeed in saving others, it had guaranteed his failure to be there for the ones that were the closest thing he had to a family.
The frontier had needed a soldier, so that's what he'd become. Someone to endure, to carry each burden that the galaxy demanded of them. And it was because of that need that he'd never been able to simply be a man, a friend ... a lover.
Tonight was the one night he might be able to make up for that.
And so he found himself outside on the hard, cold found near the airstrip which was covered in little more than tufts of grass and rocky dirt. Surrounding a heat-lamp that dimly illuminated each of their faces were those that he'd enter battle alongside tomorrow. Kay, Vale, and Gates sat nearest to him with the former Titan on his left and the Captain on his right. After Kay, Buck leaned against Vale on her left side with two others he'd been introduced to as Rose and Fallon beside him, the Pilots Vale had spoken of before. Finally came Gray and Davis, forming a complete circle that ended at Gates' right. Even Al'cor had decided to spend her time amongst them, standing nearby and observing rather than taking part in the actual speaking.
In the dark, they could see other groups. Other cliques of comrades that had banded together to enjoy one last night together before the storm. Fenrir was right; this was a night for last chances and goodbyes. They'd all do well to make it count.
"Managed to snag a case of 'supplies' from our inebriated leader," Fallon called out with mock-graciousness. "He told me to put them to good use, and I figure that a team like this should have the best, right?"
One by one, he handed out drinks to all who had encircled the lamp. Not particularly high-quality alcohol, but Barker had never been picky when it came to getting shit-faced. With a chorus of cheers, they raised their bottles up in a toast to themselves and their 'inebriated leader' as Fallon had described him.
In spite of the weight they all felt at the prospect of what would come tomorrow, there was actual merriment in the air. Rose and Buck traded war stories, each attempting to one-up the other's while Fallon and Gray interjected whenever they could. Vale and Gates told them all of the first operation they'd undertaken with Tobias, remarking with fond smirks at how much of a smartass he'd once been. He hadn't witnessed Davis smile at all since he'd first reunited with the man, but now he could see the barest ghost of a once familiar expression cross the man's features.
For his part, he stayed quiet and simply joined in the laughter when he could. He'd missed out on moments like this over the years, but he was grateful to have at least one to reflect on now.
"... and I shit you not, THN just looks at me like I'd told him I was the Advocate!" Rose bellowed as laughter ensued from all parties. "If there's one thing you never forget, it's the look of a speechless Titan. Sorry if I just wanted to make sure he had the calculations right!"
Downing his final sip of the cheap beer, Tobias waved towards the base as a whole. "Speaking of Titans, where are ours? Figured I'd see more of them around."
"Most of ours are in the frigates," Buck explained, his drink more of a symbolic gesture as it sat on the ground, just as untouched as Vale and Kay's. "Figured it'd be smarter to keep them off the ground in case Spyglass wanted to bombard this place from orbit, assuming he'd ever found us." He shook his head. "Looks like he didn't need to, though- we're coming right to him anyway."
Noticing his empty bottle, Kay grabbed hers and handed it over to Tobias with a slight chuckle. With a somewhat overly enthusiastic bow of his head which was due in no small part to the spirits he'd already drank, he accepted the gift and took yet another swig.
"Not all of them."
The mechanized voice was accompanied by several vibrations through the ground which told Tobias that there was a Titan approaching. Turning around, he raised his eyebrows when he was greeted with what appeared to be a Ronin- but its armor and chassis had been heavily modified, plates running up and down its arms as its feet were far more splayed out to grant greater grip and balance. The main hull was more curved now too, contrasting the old angular 'box' shape he'd come to associate the class with.
"Skids! You're looking ... different."
"Oh, that's right! You haven't seen the primes," exclaimed Gates at his side. "I told you about them after Typhon, remember?"
He did vaguely remember Gates showing him an experimental Ion chassis in the Titan barracks aboard the ninth Militia fleet once he'd recuperated from his captivity. "I think so. Vanguard parts plus other Titans, right?"
"Right."
"And thanks to it, my big guy's looking better than ever," chuckled Vale as she stood up to walk over and pat her Titan on his lower leg. "We never got far on the project, but a little extra armor added to our Titans never hurts, no matter how few of them got the upgrade. We'll need every bit of endurance for what's coming tomorrow. But," she stressed, looking up at the Ronin, "I thought you were supposed to be on a Widow up to the fleet?"
"Instead of loading up, I've chosen to remain on the ground with you until tomorrow's departure." Skids rotated his optic to glance at Kay. "It would seem that some of KT's loyal mannerisms were incorporated into my own protocols."
Kay remembered the terse arguments they'd had before aboard the Soaring Griffin, one where Skids had accused her of becoming far too attached to her Pilot. There was certainly no way she could deny such a statement now- but it would seem that he wasn't exactly in much of a position to make one. Acknowledging his subtle compliment with a small nod, Kay returned her attention to the lamp once more.
After Skids finished speaking, the group fell into a comfortable silence. Tobias looked around and felt a pang of regret that, for as grateful as he was to have this opportunity, there were friends and comrades that weren't here to share it with them. He turned to Gates who reciprocated once she'd noticed his movement.
"There's never been a right time to ask this, but ... I've noticed that you and Davis are alone when it comes to members of the 6-4."
She visibly stiffened at his words, but nodded all the same. As the rest of the group chatted amongst themselves, she explained.
"A few months after you disappeared, we'd taken up the slack in the fight. We had to- this was before the Embers came together, we were on our own," she muttered quietly. "There was a leak- some rumor that you weren't dead, that Spyglass was holding you in some facility on Cibus. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, but ... we were desperate. Cooper had joined up with us by then, he'd certainly earned his spot on the team. With the remnant of BT's AI providing tactical support from his helmet, we'd managed to carry out a string of successful hit-and-runs, nothing more than guerrilla tactics- but it gave us confidence."
She shook her head slowly, the regret she felt all to obvious to an observer like Tobias. "It was only when we reached the heart of the facility that we realized it was a trap- the rumor had been leaked by none other than Spyglass himself. I assume he'd been counting on our loyalty to you to lure us there ... and he was right. As some of your largest supporters, we were all too important on his list of opposition to eliminate."
There was a hitch in her throat as she continued to speak, and Tobias recognized the familiar sound of Gates' voice when she was near tears. "It took everything we had to fight our way out of that hell, and it still wasn't enough. Bear, Droz, Cooper ... they never made it. Gave their lives one by one to buy time for the others could escape- I had to drag Davis out of there myself to keep him from going back for them, or risk following their example."
She held her composure well, but he could see a few tears on her cheeks reflecting the warm light of the their encirclement's lamp. "He wishes I'd let him die too, that he'd been there with them- but I couldn't bring myself to lose one more. I didn't save him for his sake so much as mine, and I know that sounds selfish- it's not just that they died, it was that they died for nothing. The data was a farce, and I wasted their lives trying to complete a doomed mission. I-I c-couldn't let him end like that."
Her last sentence was choked out more than spoken, and he quickly reached out to grab her shoulder comfortingly.
"I don't deserve you for a best friend."
She blinked once, not knowing how else to react to such a blunt statement. "What?"
"You all risked so much on the barest glimmer of hope that I might have been alive," he spoke quietly, his words sincere. "I don't know what I've done to inspire such loyalty from you- but whatever it was, you've paid it back in spades. I can never match how much you've all done for me, but I can assure you of this- their sacrifices weren't in vain."
He pointed at the others around him. "They saved you from dying with them. If it hadn't been for you I never would have been found, the Embers wouldn't have known about the Coalescence without you getting the Cinder off Thone, and humanity would likely be dead by tomorrow." He grabbed her hand firmly, refusing to let her take the blame for something that hadn't been her fault. "If anything, making sure you survived also ensured the potential survival of humanity itself. I swear, Spyglass will pay for every drop of blood it took to get us to this point. They won't be forgotten."
She hadn't been expecting such a fierce promise on her behalf, but she could easily tell that he meant it from the the raging fire that burned in his eyes. Not for the first time, she reflected on just how accurate the title of 'Inferno' was in regards to Tobias. Wiping what few tears she had left to shed away, she beamed at him.
"You always know what to say, don't you?"
He chuckled. "Wish I could say that 'it comes with the job' like you, but I think it's actually just that I hung around with you too much."
With one last sniffle, Gates turned back to the group and they continued with their night of memories; remembering fondly on the old ones, and making new ones to take with them in the day ahead.
They were a sight to see- a collection of human and simulacrum Pilots, a Titan, a Titan-turned-advanced-simulacrum, and an Architect that had defied her own race. And yet, he couldn't think of any better people to spend his last night with.
...
Six hours left.
With a tired groan, he fell back on the bed that he'd been provided. The Embers were packed for space as it was, but being an admiral as well as the Inferno had its perks. At least they'd managed to find him some private quarters in the vacancies left by those who had rejoined the fleet- he didn't want anyone else to watch him deal with the effects of his liquor indulgence. Not to mention the darker thoughts that plagued his mind.
As much as he tried not to, he couldn't help but count down the hours, the minutes, the seconds left before everything he knew might come to an end. Tobias found himself reflecting on his life, his choices ... his mistakes.
There was always the risk of death on practically every mission he'd ever undertaken, but never any time to dwell on it. It more or less remained an afterthought, some vague concept in the back of his mind that he refused to acknowledge. But now, with nothing but time to spend in his thoughts ... he could only think of how little of it there was.
"You don't mind sharing, do you?"
With a start, he raised himself up to see Kay standing near the door of the room. In his self-induced daze, he hadn't heard it slide open. "I suppose I have to pay you back for the drink you gave me."
She gave a soft chuckle before moving further into the room. "How generous of you."
He watched the smooth, white metal of her form reflect what little illumination there was as she walked, each of her limbs catching the light of the single bulb on the ceiling in tandem with one another. Adjusting his body slightly, he made room for her to sit on the edge of the bed which she quickly occupied. In the shadows, her blue optic stood out quite obviously as it spun to face him.
"I don't exactly fit in with other Titans anymore, and I wasn't about to ask for private quarters of my own."
He nodded in understanding, a move that apparently drew her attention as she leaned in closer to look at him.
"Alright, what are you worrying about this time?"
He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't realize I was that easy to read."
"You're not- but you forget that I'm literally linked to your mind, I know how you think," she spoke softly with mirth in her tone. "Besides, I've learned that you do this thing where you furrow your brow any time you're focused on something you'd rather not think about."
He was about to argue when he became acutely aware of the sensation of his brow muscles tightening together. With some effort, he relaxed them and gave a sigh of resignation.
"I was thinking about what we've done, what we've accomplished. I guess I was just wondering if some things were worth it."
She tilted her head. "I think the very fact that the galaxy is still standing is evidence enough that-"
He shook his head. "I don't mean 'worth it' like that, bad phrasing on my part. I get that I can't exactly argue with the result of our work, trying to keep the frontier from tearing itself apart."
"Then what do you mean?"
He let out a deep breath, his physical and mental exhaustion all too apparent. "I had to watch as Tyra gave her life to buy time for me to escape the Amalgamates. The 6-4 was pretty much wiped out trying to save me based on a weak rumor they'd heard. You were taken and tortured, indoctrinated, all because you were connected to me!"
His head hung low. "So many people have been hurt in one way or another for my sake. Some have given their lives in an effort to save mine, and I might be only a few hours away from losing it. I just- I don't want their deaths to have been for nothing. I feel like I'll have wasted the value of their own sacrifices, like they died for nothing."
She shook her head vehemently. "You know damn well that's not true, and they'd be telling you the same thing if they were here. I-" She paused for a moment, taking a moment to regain her composure. "I know that there's no point in pretending our chance of success isn't minuscule, let alone our chance of survival."
Reaching out, she took his hand in her own; soft skin met hard metal, yet neither shied away at the touch. "But their goal wasn't your survival- it was to get you to this point, to propel you forward because they knew that you were- and are- the best hope that humanity has. Whatever happens, you made their sacrifices worth something just by being here. You don't owe the dead anything more than what you've already given."
"And what about the living?" he retorted, though his tone wasn't one of anger, but ... regret. "What do I owe to those who make my own life worth living at all ... what do I owe to you?"
The question surprised the hell out of her, that was for sure. "Tobias, you don't owe me-"
"Two years of abandonment, your near-death on Harmony, and now ... this," he interrupted, pointing at her current body. His anger at himself seemed to be growing with every word he spoke in trying to drive the point home to her. "Your very mind has been torn apart and put back together by Spyglass for god-knows-why, and you say I don't owe you anything?"
"Of course," she replied without hesitation, her own temper flaring up slightly at his refusal to see reason, to see what was right in front of him.
"Why the hell not?" he asked incredulously, shocked at the speed of her response.
"Because I love you, you idiot!" she snapped heatedly.
In an instant, he fell silent.
She raised their hands up, still entwined with one another, for him to see. "I once read that love is when another person's happiness is essential to your own. This- every second I get to spend with you, every moment I've been given at your side ... it's reward enough. You are enough. And after years of you trying to make me acknowledge my own self-worth, I'll be damned if I'm going to let you let make the same mistake I did."
He sat there in total silence, rendered speechless by her outburst of passion. All the things he'd seen over the years, all the horrors he'd faced, and it was always the soft moments between the two of them that managed to shut him up. She couldn't help but give a synthetic chuckle at that.
That chuckle was quickly silenced when he reached forward, grabbed the sides of her 'face', and pulled her forward to press his lips against the blue of her visor.
They remained frozen for a few seconds, each too caught up in the moment to care about anything else. In her head, Kay could hear the voices springing into action;
Is it fair to do this? For all I know, I'll be dead tomorrow, what kind of loss would that inflict on him-
This will never work-
I'm a fool if I think there's any way to protect him other than-
But she refused to give in. She took all the dark thoughts, the misgivings, the fears, and shoved them down where they couldn't ruin what she considered to be a rare, perfect moment between her and the man she loved.
Finally, the two of them parted. Meeting each other's gazes in the dark, it suddenly became very apparent to them just how much higher the stakes had become for tomorrow's mission. With that in mind, Tobias could only ask one question.
"What now?"
Without thinking, she breathed, "We could always continue from where I left off in that hotel on Luma."
The wide-eyed reaction she received was worth suggesting it alone. He tried to gather his words, but evidently hadn't been expecting such a proposition. "Kay, I-I don't want you to think you have to-"
"I don't think I 'have to' do anything," she whispered firmly. "I don't care what we do, to be honest- whether you want to talk, or sleep, or ... what have you. All I know is that we have less than six hours before the point of no return, and ... I want to spend every last minute I have left with you."
"I suppose that's not the worst way to spend my last night alive," he murmured, the humor in his tone only matched by the awe he felt at hearing the words of adoration she'd gifted him with.
Together, they moved back and onto the bed before laying down gently on top of the sheets. Tobias knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep, and he wasn't exactly in the mood for much else either. But holding each other for a few hours, enjoying some sense of peace together before the chaos of tomorrow ... he wouldn't think of anywhere he'd rather be.
"Do you remember the first words I ever spoke to you?" she whispered quietly.
He thought about it, that fateful day in the snowy plains of nedar where he sat down next to an Ion Titan and her dead Pilot. "You asked me, 'why do you not run?'"
"You told me you'd accepted death as an inevitable outcome," Kay continued, "but there were any number of ways you could have escaped."
"Yeah. Maybe."
"Then that question might be the most important one of our entire ... relationship ... whatever we are. If you could have run, then why didn't you?"
He never thought he'd have to answer that question again. He hadn't exactly known what had drawn him to stay that day rather than spend every last breath of his fighting to survive. Maybe he couldn't handle being the lone survivor, maybe he'd recognized just how worthless his life had become with the choices he'd made.
So he asked another question.
"Do you remember when you were worried I'd leave you after finding out about Erebus?"
Slowly she nodded.
"I made you a promise then- but I think I'd already made it on Nedar. I was tired of running."
He shut his eyes tightly, remorse and long-buried mistakes brought back from the depths of his memory. "I was a broken kid when I found you, Kay. Nothing but hate and vengeance to keep me going- but I didn't have the fuel to keep burning anymore. One way or another, it was going to end."
Startled realization found her. "You were ready to die- you were hoping to die."
"I was ready to give up," he confirmed, "ready to face whatever came next after the years I'd wasted trying to prove what little worth I had to offer the world. But ... even as my fire went out, a special Titan spared my life and gave me the spark I needed to reignite it. Made my life mean something again."
His arms tightened around her, pulling her prone form closer as he felt the hard surface of her body underneath the jacket she wore. "I owe you everything and more, Kay. I'm sorry that all I can offer is this."
The embrace of man and machine was followed with another drawn out kiss that ended only when Tobias broke it off and looked into his other half's face.
"I love you, Kay."
If voices could smile, hers would be wide with joy. "That's all I need."
"I owe you everything, but I'm all you need? Really?"
"You are everything to me, Tobias."
No more words were spoken that night as it grew old and gave way to dawn. But no longer were Tobias' thoughts of how little time they had left, of how many hours there would be until the call went out. Instead, he could only remark in wonder that, for as much as she'd already given him, her words had offered him one last gift.
A reason to come back.
A/N: And thus begins the final arc of Cinder.
I don't think I could have continued without giving Kay and Tobias some kind of reprieve from all the shit they've been through. This chapter wasn't necessary, but I still felt like I owed it to both the characters and the fans to give them some kind of tranquility before everything goes to shit.
There's still a few chapters left to go- have to save the galaxy and all that. But we are getting close to the end, and I just wanted to thank those of you that have stuck around for so long to see how the Architects series comes to a close. It's been an honor, ladies and gentlemen.
Until the next time,
- Matteoarts