Chapter Six - Shadows
Something was wrong. Khalid and Jamaal were seated in the library, working on a Chemistry assignment. Well, Jamaal was working; Khalid was too busy watching Sabrina who had been staring at the same page in her textbook for the last ten minutes. She looked uncharacteristically stiff and was so zoned out that she hadn't even bothered to make sure her book was right side up.
Khalid sighed and sat back, wondering for the millionth time just what in the world she was thinking of and if she even remembered that she had to make her decision before the next four days were up. Right now Khalid doubted that she even realized he existed. He sighed again, causing Jamaal to look up.
"Okay seriously bro, you need to stop staring at her." He said with a frown. "Why are you so worried anyway...do you really think she'll say no?"
Khalid bit the inside of his cheek and thought fast. This wasn't even about her saying no. This was about why she was so tense today but Khalid was afraid that if he let Jamaal know that, his masculinity would be stripped down to the bone. God, Khalid groaned mentally, her mood is beginning to affect my whole day.
Instead, he scowled at Jamaal and muttered a halfhearted "I dunno."
Jamaal fixed him with a glare and after about a minute of intense eye contact he looked back down at his textbook with a shake of his head. Khalid took the dismissal of his case as an opportunity to peek back at Sabrina and found her gaze fixed on him. His breath hitched and he stared at her from across the room. She looked slightly surprised to see him there, as if he hadn't been staring at her for the past hour. Sabrina's surprise vanished and her face transformed into the look of someone who had remembered at the last minute of a due assignment. She looked utterly unprepared - and even ashamed of it too. Khalid blinked and turned away.
So she hadn't decided yet. Fine, he thought grumpily, she needs more time.
He turned to his work, flipping pages of his textbook and typing in a hypothesis about his lame assignment. As he worked, he fought not to glance over at Sabrina and convinced himself that he didn't have to check up on her every three minutes. Unfortunately, that proved to be untrue (or more likely, impossible), for his eyes kept sliding back to her. Finally Jamaal looked up at him, interrupting his eye feast.
"Hey, wanna come to Jumah prayer with me?" He asked.
Khalid raised his eyebrows. Today's Friday?
"Oh...uh, wont we miss class?" He stammered, searching for an excuse.
"Not really. Lunch starts in ten minutes and the Kutbah is usually half an hour, plus a ten minute prayer...so we'll only be like twenty minutes late for the next class."
"Err...okay." Khalid sighed, looking away to hide his reluctance.
Jamaal beamed and launched into his explanation of the assignment they were working on while Khalid tried to concentrate, but failed miserably. He was thinking back to the last time he went to Jumah prayer. It was well over a year ago, because neither he nor his parents had ever set foot into a mosque since Zayn died. Khalid gulped, his thoughts taking a turn towards dangerous thoughts that didn't befit someone who was about to enter a place of worship. He reeled himself back into safer tides, away from images of Zayn and blood and guns. He sighed for the tenth time that day and squeezed his eyes shut, trying in vain to mentally prepare himself.
He was going to Jumah prayer.
* * *
Zayn Fayad was the perfect Muslim. He would walk into the mosque, say his salaams and have them returned by everyone because they all knew who he was and they all loved him. That boy Zayn, they'd say. Such a wonderful young man. So thoughtful and pious. Truly an inspirational figure. And he was. He was probably the most active teenager in the Muslim community, always hosting events and raising money for Syria or Palestine or Somalia, always teaching the little kids some Quran or hadith. He was always moving, always reciting, always doing something productive and that was why everyone loved him.
Khalid remembered his funeral. The last time he stepped into this mosque. And now he was here again, a place that felt warm and familiar because this was where Zayn was, this was where he practically lived and breathed. Khalid stepped into the mosque, the place already full even though the Athaan hadn't even rung out yet. It was packed and Khalid suffocated - but not from the lack of space. From memories of Zayn with their parents. From endless days inside the mosque. From long nights in Ramadan, standing in Taraweeh prayers, his brother at peace besides him.
Jamaal led him to a spot on the floor and they sat down on the mint green carpet, the feel of it soft under Khalid's feet. He looked up and drank in the familiar features of the mosque, the high ceiling, the smooth walls, the tall pillars. He was so lost, so far down memory lane that when the Athaan was called, he could almost hear it in Zayn's voice but it coudn't be him...not him...
The Khutbah started and Khalid clung to every word that was uttered. He remembered Zayn say one day that he would like to sit at the front of the mosque and face the bright eager faces of the crowd and give a powerful Khutbah. His parents had encouraged the dream. Khalid had envied it. But Zayn never got to live it.
The Khutbah was about patience and Khalid thought it ironic because he was being patient. He was waiting for Sabrina. He was waiting for the day his father would look upon him like he had Zayn. He was waiting for things to get better, one day. He was waiting for the day he would wake up and not feel guilty.
The imaam was new. He couldn't remember who the imaam was when Zayn had been alive but this imaam had a different voice. The imaam he had listened to before had a soft voice, a soothing tone which Zayn had always admired. Khalid wondered what Zayn would have thought about this new imaam.
Soon the Khutbah was over and Khalid stood up awkwardly to pray. He stumbled through the motions of prayer and listened intently to the imaam recite The Opening chapter of the Quran and following it with one Khalid didn't recognize. About halfway through he remembered that he'd forgotten to make wudhu and almost groaned in frustration. He gave up trying to be sincere in the prayer because no matter how sincere he was, it was never enough. Zayn would have never forgotten to make wudhu.
In the end, he walked out with a headache due to a nostalgic mess of memories and images burning in his mind. Jamaal followed him out, chattering about the imaam and how the khutbah was great as always while Khalid make noncommittal sounds of agreement. Jamaal's family joined them halfway out the mosque and Khalid greeted his father and brothers, trying to hide the eternal battle that raged on in his head.
Hassan, Jamaal's eight year old brother, was flinging his kufi at his friend and Khalid watched them have this kufi-fight while Jamaal ran around trying to make them stop. He was only half watching, half thinking when he heard a girl yelp out in surprise and blinked to see Emaan peeling Hassan's white kufi off her face with a look of surprise.
"Oh my...I'm sooo sorry." Jamaal was apologizing as he rushed up to grab the kufi from Emaan's hand and fixed his brother with a death glare.
"Oh its..alright." Emaan muttered, and Khalid looked behind her too see Sabrina hiding a smile behind her hand. They locked eyes and shared particularly amusing smirks, and Khalid felt all his anxieties about being at the mosque drain away at the sight of Sabrina's face.
"My brother is so...ugh." Jamaal was saying, and Hassan gave him an innocent smile making Emaan laugh.
"No, its fine, he's cute." Emaan gushed, ruffling Hassan's hair much to his dislike.
"Oh well, okay. Uh...sorry again, Emaan."
"Like I said, no problem." She smiled and then paused. "Wait...how do you know my name?"
Jamaal flushed, and Khalid snorted. He saw Sabrina raise her eyebrow in anticipation of his answer.
"Oh, you were in my History class last year. You probably don't remember me though...cause I sat at the far back and ...yeah." He explained rather awkwardly.
"Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry!" Emaan cried, looking taken aback.
"Its alright.." Jamaal assured her, even though he looked highly embarrassed.
"Jamaal bhai...why are you turning all red?" Hassan asked, blinking up at him with an innocently evil smile.
"I'm not turn-get out of here!" Jamaal spluttered, turning even more red. "Challo, go get dad!"
Emaan giggled, while Khalid peeked at Sabrina who was biting her lip. Jamaal hastily turned back to Emaan, muttered another apology and said salaam. He half ran, half walked away, leaving Khalid standing in front of Sabrina and Emaan. He nodded to both of them and followed his friend, searching for him in intention of stroking his ego back up to where it had been before it brutally came crashing down. He found Jamaal hiding out behind his car and walked over with a smug smile on his face.
"I didn't know you liked Emaan." Khalid began, casually.
"Shut up." Jamaal muttered.
"Since when?" Khalid went on, ignoring the dark look Jamaal was shooting him.
"Since never. I don't like her."
"Right. Which is why you turned into a firetruck back there." Khalid pointed out.
"I never-" Jamaal started but stopped and sighed, covering his face. "Since last year. God, she didn't even remember me."
"So? She knows who you are now. Isn't that what counts? Besides, she seemed like she kinda likes you." Khalid said, getting into his car and drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.
"Really?" Jamaal asked happily before becoming skeptical. "Or are you just saying that?"
"No really." Khalid insisted. "The way she acted all embarrassed when you told her you were in her class last year is proof enough."
"Ugh." Jamaal sighed. "Are you sure? Girls are so...confusing."
"True shiz." Khalid mumbled in agreement, starting the car.
The drive back to Capilano was silent and Khalid felt the weight of his earlier thoughts press against his mind. An image of Zayn appeared in his head, and Khalid felt himself envying his brother's good looks. His grey eyes were specked with blue. His hair swept back, his smile showing off his perfectly straight teeth. His jawline was his best feature, sharp angles and a bit of stubble making him look like he belonged on the cover of a magazine.
Zayn was everything Khalid could never be. He was the perfect son, the perfect man, the perfect Muslim. To Khalid, he represented what was unreachable and unattainable and every single day Khalid was reminded of the fact that he would never be what Zayn ever was.
His dad overlooked him. The people in the mosque didn't remember him and if they did, it was as Zayn's bother. It was like Zayn's shadow was still here, even after Zayn himself was long gone. And Khalid was still hidden by the dark shadow his brother's entity emitted. He would never be see as Khalid. He was Zayn's shadow; a watered down look alike that didn't even posses the right personality to be so.
Zayn may have died over a year ago, but he would haunt Khalid forever.
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Hmm, Khalid is finding some difficulty trying to return back into the folds of Islam...Do you guys think he can even do it? And oh la la! What of Jamaal and Emaan?
Emaal, anyone? Or Jamaan? You guys pick:)
(Jamaal's picture on the side)
_ _ _
Wudhu: ablution
Jumah prayer: Friday prayer
Athaan: call to prayer
Imaam: the person who leads the prayer
Bhai: brother (Urdu)
Challo: go/move (Urdu)