The sheer bliss of adrenaline happens in spurts at a time. The heart will speed up or stop for just a moment upon feeling surprised, shocked, scared, excited, which sends a signal to the brain to clarify that the situation upon hand is giving the individual these everlasting emotions.
It's seen to be exhilarating and something that makes a moment worth while. The transient feeling passes upon a second more of existence, but the lingering reaction stimulates in the brain, reminding the individual of the situation and the result of it. The outcome of it that would be oh-so unpredictable.
He finds himself spluttering with shock, finding the continuous knocks startling and intruding on his internal moments of grief. He stumbles and sets his phone down on the down comforter on his bed, the warmth insulator being wrinkled and embedded with the creases of over usage. He doesn't think much of it as the device sinks into the bed and is left alone without a trace.
He exits his room quite messily, an everlasting headache pounding the temples of his cranium which causes him to lose coordination in his steps. He's disoriented and confused, unsure of the unwanted company that stands on his doorstep. He tries to listen for a heartbeat but his mind is somewhere else. He can't focus for more than four seconds at a time which makes him the dumbest person he could think of.
He's alone today. His father has an urgent meeting by the shore of California, telling his son that he would be back Sunday night, leaving the teenage boy the weekend to himself to swallow himself in his own disgruntled life. He's somewhat relieved of this, though, because the last thing he wants his father to know was that he's distraught and humiliated because of a boy. He wasn't sure of his father's views on same sex relationships, and he doesn't want to elicit anything negative hence the reason he is keeping his thoughts bottled up.
He almost ignores the knocking. By now it's become a nuisance and now he's annoyed rather than curious. But something tells him to walk down the stairs and face whoever is behind the door. It's someone with urgency, apparently, because the forceful knocks do not stop with any hesitation. He's so rattled at this point that he marches down the stairs in a heap of tumbles and curses, wiping his damp cheeks to remove any evidence of vulnerability.
Liam hesitates. His hand is nearing the bronze door knob but it stops inches away. He's close enough to hear the heartbeat of the person just inches away from him, the only thing separating them being a door. He recognizes that familiarity of the rhythmic beat, another moment passing him with euphoric hesitation. He almost wants to step away and hide, but he can't.
The person behind the door stops knocking, sensing a presence. He most likely hears Liam's heartbeat, signaling that he heard his urgencies and came to see what the commotion was.
Liam waits a moment.
They both stand in silence, refuting the idea of taking flight and turning away from what needed to be fixed. Thoughts flood through their heads, analyzing the situation and thinking about the outcome. Will it conclude with blitheness or humiliation? Neither know. And they aren't too keen on finding out the bitterness of it.
He wants to cry once again. The nostalgic feelings of humiliation and pain rage through his veins and remind him of the things he said and the things he did. The guilt ridden emotions he feels are drowning him, hating confrontation in anything of this fashion. He's already told Theo he likes him, so there really isn't a U-Turn option at the moment. He's stuck on the one way road, driving down a straight road just to be clashed in traffic.
"C'mon, Liam, I know you're there."
He closes his eyes for a brief moment, a pallid expression taking a toll on his blotchy face, making his features look ill and pale. He's incompetent for a moment, but his endurance has been up for so long, and now wasn't the time to rip down that wall. He's been putting up the facade for so long of a pretend love, a relationship that lasted almost a month. A month of nonstop texts, calls, jokes, memories. And here he is. Feeling all these emotions that he doesn't know how to deal with.
He tears himself away from the past for a moment, opening his eyes and looking straight ahead, his head up high and his dignity ready to face the body behind the door. He's ready. He can do this. It's just one simple conversation that he needs to have in order to get past this. If it ends up a bittersweet tragedy, he knows he won't be able to move on, but he can learn from it. He can learn to never test his emotions again and take advantage of anything. Lesson practically learned.
He places his hand on the doorknob, the cool metal chilling his hand and sending a stimulant to his brain. He ignores it and turns it to the right, counting himself down to bring himself to open it. Something stops him though, he finds himself doubting his strength and searching for the Achilles heel that he has.
Confrontation.
Humiliation.
Rage.
The words stop him for a moment, his movements hesitant and uneasy, but he overcomes it.
He opens the door.
Theo stands there in the flesh, peering down at him with indifference and an expression that Liam is having difficulty reading. His hands are at his sides with awkward placement, probably unsure of what to do with them. He's silent. Typical. His mouth presses into a thin line as he scans the younger boy. Theo is smart enough to realize that he, in fact, isn't okay right now.
His face is pallid. It's as if he encountered a ghost and hasn't recovered from the shock quite yet. But Theo figures that he himself is the ghost that got Liam this way; he shows up out of the blue and expects a reaction. Now he realizes it doesn't work that way and now he was improvising. He has a speech prepared, but the rehearsed words are just a distant memory right now and he's blank.
Liam studies him for a moment. He's thinking of something to say, and it eventually gets to him. Soon his lips curl into somewhat of a sneer as he clings to the door for practical dear life, not trying to lose a grip on anything else that emulates his stability.
"What are you doing here?" he asks in a low voice, trying to balance his tone so that it wouldn't break.
The older boy shakes his head and tilts it as he sighs; something he used to do that made Liam silently feel content. "My phone wouldn't send the messages I really wanted to say." He pauses for a moment and re-evaluates his statements that flood his mind, searching for the gentle response that was needed in order to ease into the conversation. "I tried calling you but I got your voicemail. So I drove."
Liam sardonically smiles, a pained expression that was meant to feign mock and nonchalance, but instead it just radiates sadness and plaintiveness. "You know how to problem solve. Fantastic. Thanks for stopping by, and make sure to leave without doing something you'll regret." He goes to close the door but something stops him.
"You're afraid."
Liam pauses and listens. He winces. He doesn't close the door because he knows it's the truth. The ugly truth that makes him want to crawl up in a ball and sleep the issues away. But instead he listens, intrigued on the method of though that Theo has. He's somewhat interested on how he will critique his darkest thoughts.
"I know the shit you went through with Hayden. You're afraid, and not because of the anaukate. It's because you don't want someone else leaving you."
It is true. Liam hates the truth, but he opens the door slightly just to peek at him talking. His voice is so charismatic that it enhances his full attention and he can't help but look at him when he speaks; he uses his tone advantages to lure Liam into a trance of beliefs. It works. It works so well.
Theo recognizes that he's nervous. He can tell in the fast pace of heartbeats. He looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'm not leaving. But you're pushing me away. How can you expect someone to stay if you're forcing them to leave?" His voice was so soft and gentle that he almost doesn't hear the question.
Liam hesitates. He's embarrassed and finds himself fiddling with his fingers nervously as he finds strength to speak after a little while of stilled silence. "I'm sorry." Theo goes to interrupt him and tell him that he shouldn't apologize but he stops him.
"I'm sorry for pushing you away when you were just trying to help. I'm sorry for not listening to you. I'm sorry for...for feeling this way. It's not fair of me to tell you something so...so big and repulsive. I lied to Corey and Scott, and I lied to you. It wasn't cool of me to use this as an opportunity to fantasize about something I couldn't have." He looks down, ashamed. He feels his eyes peering down at him but he doesn't dare look up and meet it.
Liam can't find energy to look up and face him...literally. He knows Theo is waiting for it but he won't give it to him. He's afraid, yes, admittedly. But he doesn't need to act like he's fearless of the situation because he's done lying. He told Theo the truth and will continue to, hating the guilt of lying residing in his chest and making him feel like a terrible person. He's been caught up in so many inky webs, staining his skin and embedding itself into his thoughts. He feels regret and disgusting and that's why he can't bring himself to look up.
It isn't about emotions anymore. No strings attached has become a statement that is buried in the depths of his mind, but only one word lingers: liar. He is a liar and feeds off his fear and uses it to shield his real thoughts away. He is so afraid of confrontation and rejection that he thinks it is better to hide from reality. But this is real and he can't turn back now. He's stuck in the moment.
Theo is silent for a moment and understands that he can't bring himself to look up. He gets it. He sympathizes with the feeling and doesn't blame him for doing so. He just wishes he could look into his crystal eyes and not feel something along the lines of romance. He doesn't force the younger boy to look up but he does put his hands over Liam's to stop from all the fidgeting.
Liam freezes at the contact and stops immediately, looking up finally with befuddlement while Theo has an amused smile that finds its way onto his beautifully structured face. He doesn't try to grin when he hears Liam's heartbeat quicken when the action happens, locking that thought away and focusing on the present.
Theo barely misses a beat. "You were never a good liar."
"W—what?" fires Liam a little too quickly, unsure of what he means of that and if it is something that he should have concern about. He's about to retort when Theo beats him to it.
"You don't have to be sorry. I kinda had an idea but didn't think much of it."
Liam thinks for a moment, and in a moment of realization, he furrows his eyebrows and feels himself getting crimson. His voice is louder and more bombastic than he hopes to be but he can't help but feel slightly angry; he processes the words and tries to think of words that express his emotions but he can't, unsure of how to react. He soon jumbles words together in splutters and stutters that make him sound like an idiot.
"You knew?"
Theo laughs and it's music to his ears, but he can't focus on that right now because his attention is driven towards the everlasting truth he doesn't know. He throws his head back slightly because of the innocence and surprise in the words. He finds it funny but the younger boy is redder than ever and can't find a proper way to form words, something that he can't control (which sucks).
Once Theo stops laughing he peers down at Liam with an amused expression, a smile that is bubbly and wholesome which he tries to ignore entirely, but he can't help but flash his gaze to his lips guiltily and quickly back up to his eyes that twinkle with fun. Theo notices but doesn't act upon it because he can't believe that Liam thought he is being subtle.
"You aren't exactly a subtle person, Liam. I can hear heartbeats too, you know," he grinned. "It would quicken every time I'd walk in the room or when you saw me. Also the looks you give me were pretty self compliant. I put the pieces together and kinda assumed it, but I didn't want to say anything because it was your feelings and not my place to ask you about them," he shrugged, still holding his hands without even noticing.
Liam is conscious of his sweaty hands, something that happens to his palms when he's nervous. He's also embarrassed. He knew this whole time yet didn't do anything about it? Well, Liam can't be the one to complain because he practically lied about it and didn't tell him and used him. So, there is no point in getting angry at Theo when he himself is the only one to blame. It is his fault he is so obvious (which he doesn't think he is) but this just proves himself wrong.
He pulls his hands away and covers his face, hiding the crimson red cheeks as he turns and walks into his house with a groan. Theo catches the closing door and slips through, closing it behind him and leaning against it. He watches Liam with a soft smile and chuckles at his capabilities to make himself feel embarrassed. It doesn't take much to make him feel like that, and after a moment it gets kinda mean, so he pushes himself off the door and strides towards the younger boy.
"This is so humiliating!" cries Liam.
Theo takes his hands away from his face and stifles a brief laugh, casually encasing their fingers together and talking to him at the same time. Whatever he is doing, he is doing it well, because he knows just how to fluster Liam and make him feel slightly below intellectual average. He feels like his legs are lead and his brain is melting.
"Don't be upset," says Theo with a lingering grin. "It's cute."
Liam is so flustered that he barely hears the last comment, but barely has any time to process it when Theo pulls him into a slow hug. It reminds him of one of the nights they hung out with Mason and Corey. They showed up at different times and hugged each other when Theo arrived a little late, a friendly greeting that meant nothing to Theo but everything to Liam. He remembers the night clearly, being flustered and shocked to do anything besides hug him back. That was like right now.
Liam finds himself hugging Theo back and placing his cheek next to his beating heart, finding clarity in the rhythmic staccatos. Theo puts his around above Liam's shoulders, a bear hug that encases him into a safety net filled with mixed emotions. He rests his head on his hair, but instantly reacts in a way that makes Liam slightly panic.
"Dude, you smell like shit. Go shower then we can resume whatever this is."
Theo pulls away and ruffles Liam's hair just to spite him, and Liam swats his hand away and grumbles something incoherent as he climbs the stairs, Theo watching him ascend and walk into the bathroom. When he hears the shower water running, he pulls his phone from his pocket and dials a number to order a pizza, hoping it would be ready by the time he gets out and fixes himself up. He ought to put on a good show and prepare the scene for when he comes back.
He doesn't want to admit it aloud yet, but he indeed found a sweet spot for the beta, and intends to do everything he can to make whatever they have work.
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y'all happy now hahahahahaah it is beginning to rise once again yes let's go
also i would personally like to thank gabrielle aplin for having such beautiful songs that inspired me to write this chapter. shout out to her (she sings the stydia song start of time)
also thank you for the endless support on this book i don't deserve it what the hell
thanks homies!!!!!!