Chapter Four
By the time I start school, I'm gaining interest at the club. I even have regulars. I've been doing private dances and full performances on stage. My first full routine was unnerving. I downed a double whiskey and put on a brave face. I can be stubborn when I want to be and that's what I did. I've become a bit of a favorite and they call me Annie Oakley. They tell the clients I'm a southerner and I have the sweet, southern charm. They tell them I ride horses, which usually gets an extra whoop and holler.
I thought I'd be nervous starting school, but I'm not. I guess after working at the club, most things aren't nearly quite as disconcerting. My schedule is pretty full on. I have classes that start at 9am three mornings a week and two mornings that start at 10am. I finish at 4pm most days, but I do have a late day, which ends at 6pm. I discuss my schedule with Roxy and she says I can start work at 7pm on my early days and at 10pm on my late day. I'll get the weekends to sleep in so I'm pretty sure I can manage it all if I strictly stick to a routine.
I don't really have time to make friends in school because I'm usually either rushing to my next class or rushing to get to work. My schedule is pretty full on and my first semester is gruelling. Trying to find a workable routine is quite a task and it takes me almost the full semester to settle into everything.
I talk to my parents most nights at first, but then I get so busy that I miss most of their calls. When my dad is in from the barn at night, I'm already working at the club. By the time I get home, he's just starting his day so our conversations usually happen at the weekends.
I struggle with the lack of sleep and I drink far more than I probably should. It's taking more and more alcohol to make me actually feel drunk and stop the aching in my chest from loneliness. The only time I don't feel that pain is when I'm on stage or performing private dances. Whenever I'm alone, the guilt creeps up on me and I think about what my family would think about my current lifestyle. Some days I manage to get through and hardly think about it, but other days it's all I can think about. The weekends are torture for me, so I ask Roxy if I can take extra shifts at work. Anything to help push my thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind.
Caleb still won't talk to me, although the slamming doors have stopped when he knows I'm talking to our folks. Maybe in another three months he might actually be able to say hi.
It's nearing Christmas break when I'm standing backstage waiting for my turn. I sigh deeply and close my eyes briefly. Sherri questions, "Tired hun?"
"Yes ma'am. It's pretty hard jugglin' school and work. Some nights I don't even sleep because I have to catch up with readin' and papers. I can't wait for a break in the schedule."
"You thought of cutting back on your shifts?"
I smile softly at her, "I need the money. Besides, this is my favorite part."
She chuckles, "We can tell. You're pretty good at it. I'd say you are a natural. I've got a little something to help perk you up if you want to try it. It's a stimulant drug they give to treat narcolepsy. It should get you through the days at school."
My eyes light up at the thought, "Really? That would be a great help."
"Come see me after shift and I'll sort you out."
"Thanks."
So, I try the drug and the effects are amazing. I can get through days at school super alert and I'm just starting to feel the effects wear off after my shift is ending. I crash for a few hours and then take some more pills before going back to school the next morning. I find myself wanting the pills even when I'm not going to school because they give me extra energy. I can whizz through my cleaning, workouts and get to work feeling ready for a full shift.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I question if it's safe, but that passes when I realize I wouldn't get through life without it. It becomes a slippery slope and I start dabbling in illegal drugs to test their effects too. How I manage to get through school and work without crashing, getting caught or dying I will never know. Roxy doesn't get involved in our private lives if it doesn't affect our performances or the way our bodies look.
As soon as school finishes, my parents are hounding me to come back for the holidays. I don't want to go back. I don't want to face Caleb or any of his friends. I want to stay in New York and continue working at the club. I've heard the tips are awesome over the holidays and I really don't want to miss out on that. I also don't want to stop my after hours activities. There's no way I'd get away with any of my entertainment back home.
I'm walking around my apartment, trying to get the laundry together when my phone rings. It's either my parents, Roxy or Chris. I've been hanging out with Chris quite a lot recently. We're not dating or anything, just hanging out. We like each other's company and it helps to combat the loneliness. I'd never tell him that though. I refuse to make myself vulnerable like that. I'm wary of making friends, because I don't trust people's motives. If Nate and his friends can pretend to like me for so many years, then how can I trust people I've only just met to not be the same?
The shrill ringtone of my phone snaps me out of my thoughts and I quickly pick up before it rings through to voicemail.
"Hello?"
"Hey Little Bit."
"Hey dad. How come you're ringin' now? Aren't you in the barn? Hang on, is Dusty ok?"
"Whoa, slow down missy. Dusty is fine. I just thought I'd call now because I never seem to get you in the evenings anymore. How's everythin' goin'?"
"Everythin' is fine. Busy, but ok. How's everythin' there?"
"Same ole same ole. So, have you changed your mind about coming back for the holidays?"
I sigh, "I can't, dad. I have work and some reading and papers to catch up with before we start the new semester."
"If you need money we can send you some..."
I close my eyes and focus on not snapping at him. I don't want to go home. Can't he get the message?
"No, dad. I don't wanna take your money. I wanna do this by myself. It's time for me to grow up and take responsibility for my life. I'm doin' that and I'm actually enjoyin' it. I'll be back as soon as I can, but it's not gonna be just yet."
There's knock on my door so I go to answer it. It's Chris and his deep voice asks, "You ready to go?"
I move the phone away from my face slightly, but don't cover it as I reply, "One second, Chris. Just let me finish up here. Come on in."
My dad's voice takes a sharper tone, "Who's that?"
"A friend, dad."
"A guy friend?"
"Yes sir."
"Is he your boyfriend?"
"No sir."
"Are you sleepin' with him?"
"Dad!"
"What? You're my little girl, of course I'm gonna worry about that. I want you to stay innocent forever..."
I frown at his words. If only he knew the truth of it. There's nothing innocent about me anymore. Well, I haven't murdered anyone or technically broken the law. Actually, scratch that. Underage drinking, illegal drugs, dancing at a strip club and prostitution; those are breaking the law but it's only damaging myself. I've never hurt anyone else, so I'm innocent in that respect.
"You haven't answered my question, Lex."
"No dad, I'm not sleepin' with him..."
I feel Chris chuckle behind me because he's standing so close to me. He mutters under his breath, "Not yet, at least. I'm working on it."
I bite back a laugh myself, but I know that will definitely make my dad suspicious. When I eventually get free from the telephone call, I slap Chris on the chest and laugh out loud.
"Are you tryin' to cause trouble? You have no idea what he's like. He'll come out here with his shotgun if he knew what you were thinkin'..."
"He's a male, so I'm pretty sure he knows what I'm thinking. Hey, you're a hot young female and I'm a young guy. It's only natural. Besides, you're pretty cool to hang out with. I enjoy your company."
"Well, I like hangin' out with you too."
"Think we can work on the whole sleeping arrangement then?"
I chuckle and hug him. I whisper seductively in his ear, "Whenever you want, sir."
His grip on me tightens and I hear him take in a sharp breath before he growls, "Now or after our jog?"
I giggle, "How 'bout instead of our jog?"
"I like that idea..."
He picks me up, throws me over his shoulder and marches towards my bedroom. I'm laughing at his behavior and the bubbles of excitement start to flutter in my stomach. I'm not going to lie, Chris is very handsome and there is definitely chemistry between us. It'll be fun to explore where this goes.
So we spend the rest of the day in my apartment, not really leaving my bedroom. I can't say that either of us are disappointed or miss the outside world at all.
I leave my bed around 3pm, and I feel Chris' eyes watching my every move.
I chuckle, "Stop starin'."
"I can't help it. I like what I see. I like even more that I got to explore every single inch."
He's quiet for a little while and I wonder what he's doing. I stop searching through my drawers and look over at him. He looks in thought, so I ask, "What you thinkin' 'bout?"
He chuckles, "I love your accent."
"Thanks. So...?"
"Just wondering where we go from here... I don't regret anything and I hope you don't either..."
"No chance."
He smiles brightly, "That's good to hear. I'm glad I could please... We have to work together, Lex. Is it going to be awkward now?"
"Depends if you make it awkward. I'm not lookin' for anythin' serious, but if you're willin' to have a casual thing and hook up whenever either of us need or want it, then I'm cool with that. I have too much goin' on to start a relationship, so if you're cool with hangin' out and bein' friends with benefits then that's perfectly fine with me..."
He grabs me around the waist and pulls me onto the bed before kissing me hard.
When he pulls away, he rests his forehead against mine and whispers, "You're pretty cool, you know that, right? I'm more than ok with that. I get to keep you as a friend, hook up with you and not let it affect our working relationship. It's a win whichever way you look at it..."
I throw his words back at him, "I'm glad I could please..."
He groans, "You need to stop being so darn cute. We have to get to work and I'm not going to want to do that if you keep looking at me like that..."
I put on my best innocent face and question, "Like what?"
"Stop it!"
I laugh, "I have to shower."
"Can I join you?"
I shrug, "Sure thing. Saves water I guess..."
He jumps up and is in the bathroom before I can even leave the bedroom. He shouts back at me to hurry me along. We eventually leave my apartment at 4pm and head to work. The night is very interesting. I feel Chris watching me even more intently through the evening and he's even quicker than usual to be at my side when a couple of the clients get a bit too over excited. Unless clients pay extra for extracurricular activities, we have a very strict no touching policy.
Over the next few months, Chris and I spend quite a bit of time together. We're nothing exclusive, but we work out together, hook up and just generally chill out. He makes sure I'm get home safely after my shifts and he sometimes stays the night, depending on how we feel at the time. To be honest, I get the impression he would stay most nights, but I have to keep my distance. I don't trust people's motives and while Chris has never given me reason to not trust him, the memory of Nate's words is still very strong in my mind. I can't get around the fact that if someone I knew so well can treat me like that, then how much worse can an almost stranger treat me.
We're nearing the end of my first year in New York when things change. It's mid morning on a Saturday in March and Chris and I are squashed together on my couch, watching a movie. I'm half asleep, resting my head on his chest. The drugs and alcohol have completely messed up my body clock and I have trouble sleeping when I'm supposed to. I'm great at staying awake now, so much so that I mostly can't sleep at night. I get a few hours, especially after Chris and I have slept together. It seems like the more physical activities I do, the more drugs and alcohol I take and the more I surround myself with distractions, the better I sleep.
Chris nudges the top of my head with his chin and mumbles, "You awake?"
"Hmmm..."
"Lex, we need to talk."
Oh dear. That doesn't sound good.
I rest my chin on his chest and look up at him through heavy eyelids.
He sighs, "That look is not going to make this any easier, hun."
I smirk, "Let's not talk then. There's a perfectly good bed in there. Let's go test that out instead..."
He chuckles a little and then turns serious, "How come you never talk about your family or anything back home? I don't even know where you're from..."
I frown, "Why is that important?"
"At the very least, we're friends. Isn't that something friends talk about? I mean, you know I was born and raised in Brooklyn. You know about my family and I'd like to think you'd want to meet them one day..."
"What do you mean, 'at the very least we're friends'?"
He runs his fingers through my hair and eyes my cautiously before answering, "We've been hooking up for a while now and neither of us seem to be getting bored of that. I don't know what that means specifically, but it seems like we're heading into 'something more' territory..."
I sit up completely and stare at him dumbfounded. We had an agreement. This was supposed to be a casual thing. How can he just change that now?
"Say something. I know there's more than you let on going on in that head of your's. What are you thinking?"
I take a deep breath, because despite not wanting a relationship with him, I actually quite like Chris. He's a pretty nice guy and I would consider him almost a friend. Almost. I don't want to blow up at him and make things even more awkward so I pause before saying anything.
"I don't understand..."
"What's not to understand? I like you, probably more than I should, but I never know what you're thinking or feeling... You keep everything so locked up that I never know what you really think about it all. I like you, but I don't really know you..."
Ok, I officially have no idea how to deal with this situation. I obviously didn't think this through properly. To be fair, I never thought this would actually happen. It's usually girls that get attached and want to make things more serious.
"You're awfully silent over there. What are you thinking?"
"This isn't what we agreed, Chris. I don't know what you want me to say."
"I want you to tell me how you feel or give me something other than this closed off quiet."
I shrug and scramble to find something to say without revealing my thoughts and emotions too much.
"I think you're a great guy, Chris. I thought what we had was workin' just fine for both of us. I don't want anythin' serious. I told you that..."
"Yeah, but you told me you didn't have time for anything serious. We spend almost all of our free time together. I thought things might have changed."
"They haven't."
"So, it's not really because you don't have time? It's more because you don't want to commit?"
I shrug, but don't give a real answer.
"Is it just me or would you be the same with every guy?"
"I don't want anythin' serious with anyone. I thought you would understand with the work hours and school. There's no time for anythin' normal or serious."
"We're making it work so far. I understand that most guys wouldn't get it, but I get the work schedule. I understand what goes on at the club and I'm cool with that. Well, most of it anyway. It kills me to see you go into that private room every time..."
I put my hand over his mouth and whisper, "Don't. That pays the bills, so you don't get to judge me for that..."
He gently takes my hand away from his face and holds it carefully in his.
"I'm not judging at all. I get it, really I do. I would never tell you to stop, but I can't help but feel jealous..."
"This isn't gonna work, Chris. I thought you'd understand. I thought you were on the same wave length. I'm sorry."
He nods, "I took a risk saying something. Obviously it hasn't paid off, but I get it. I changed the rules and you don't want that."
"Sorry."
"Can we at least be friends? I'd hate to lose you completely and it would make working together difficult..."
"Can you do that?"
He smiles, "It might be difficult at first, but I'll find a way to manage. So?"
I shrug, "Sure."
I don't really believe he wants to be my friend. How can he go from wanting to be in a relationship to wanting to be friends so quickly? It makes no sense to me. I don't voice any of that though. I keep my mouth shut about my feelings, as I always do.
He taps my forehead and whispers, "You shouldn't be so closed off, Lex, even with your friends. It's not good for you. How can people get to know you if you don't give them anything to work with?"
That's the whole point. No one wants to be my friend for real anyway. I'm just making a bit easier on everyone. I don't say anything for the longest time, and things become a bit awkward, so Chris eventually says, "I should probably go home and let you get ready for work. I'll see you in a few hours?"
"You sure will."
"Good. I'm sorry about changing things, hun."
"It is what it is."
"It might be awkward for a little while, but we'll get through it. I don't want to lose you as a friend."
I smile at him hug him tight and then give him a kiss on the cheek. I don't want things to be awkward between us. Him and Roxy are the only people I have in this city. Sure, I work with the girls, but I don't really know them. We drink together sometimes, but we're not really friends. Some of them are jealous because I've quickly become a favorite at the club. I earn more than some of the girls that have been there much longer, and they don't really like that. I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to get through school and earn money. Those are my two main goals. After that? I don't really know what the plan is.
After rejecting Chris, things are quite awkward for a while. I think it's mostly on my part because I hate that I can't trust him. I hate that I'm going against everything my parents taught me. I hate that they'd despise what I do and they'd disown me. I have no extra distractions now so my thoughts and the loneliness are driving me crazy. I also hate that Caleb still isn't talking to me. I've been gone almost a year and he hasn't spoken a single word to me. I can deal with Nate and the rest of the guys hating me, but not having Caleb is tearing me up inside. We'd always been pretty close until the whole Nate thing happened. Once again, it's my fault that things have turned out this way. If I hadn't pushed Caleb away when I was avoiding the guys then we wouldn't have this much distance between us. If I had told Caleb I was leaving beforehand then he wouldn't hate me so much and we'd actually be talking right now.
Because my thoughts and feelings are consuming me, I spiral even further and I spend half of my time on shift in the back room. I choose to ignore Chris' stare when he sees me going in and out of the room. He has no say in what I do and I won't let it affect me. I take copious amounts of drugs and it takes a truck load more alcohol to feel anywhere close to drunk now.
I'm a mess and I know it, but I can't seem to stop myself. I don't want to deal with my thoughts and feelings so I do everything I can to hide from them, even if it's going to harm me.
The destructive behavior continues for almost two years. I have no idea how I manage to get through school and function pretty normally in life. That is an exceptional feat in itself. Chris has noticed me getting out of control and has tried to say something a few times, but trust me, that did not go down well. Things aren't awkward between us anymore, but we're not as close as we were before.
My phone calls to home have been getting less and less. I blame it on my workload and my parents have no reason to think I'm not telling the truth. They believe I wouldn't lie to them and I take full advantage of that. Yes, I am a horrible person. If they only knew what I was getting up to, they'd drag me back home right now. I will never reveal any of this to them because then they'd know just how weak I really am. They raised me to be a strong woman, something I really am not. I don't want to destroy their view of me and I couldn't live with them being so ashamed of me so I will never tell them the true story of my time in New York.
I've just finished finals. I worked super hard to get through those and work at the same time. I don't actually know how I did it to be honest. It didn't come without a price though, because my body is a mess and I'm all over the place. It's Friday night, well technically it's early Saturday morning. I finished work at 4am and I've just got home. I've been feeling quite sick tonight so I grab a quick shower and head to bed. I'm hoping the sleep will help me fight off whatever this bug is.
I'm startled awake some time later with a horrific stabbing pain in my abdomen. The pain is almost unbearable and I'm doubled over because of it. I take deep, steadying breaths and attempt to get out of bed. Maybe this bug is finally making it's way out of my body and I need the bathroom. I carefully pull back the bed covers and I notice blood everywhere. Now, I'm not a squeamish person. I've seen all kinds of broken bones, injuries and blood with the animals on the ranch. I've even seen some of the ranch hands get quite serious injuries before. Nothing prepares me for seeing something like this. It's not the actual blood that scares me; it's the thought of what is wrong with me that panics me.
I grab my cell and have a brief battle with myself over who to call. Everything inside of me wants to call my mom, but I know I can't do that. How would I even explain something like that? Instead, I dial Roxy's number. Surely she'll be able to help me, right?
The ringing continues until it goes through to voicemail. I don't leave a message because it'll probably be too late by the time she gets it. I close my eyes and I hiss loudly as another wave of pain hits me. I need someone's help. I'm never going to make it to the hospital by myself and I'm not calling the paramedics. I take a deep breath and dial the only other person I can think to call.
His deep, gravelly voice picks up almost immediately.
"Yeah?"
I swallow the lump that's in my throat. I shouldn't be calling him, but I have no one else.
"Chris?"
He sounds more awake when he speaks again, "Lex? What's wrong? You should be asleep, hun."
"I'm sorry for waking you and I'm sorry for calling. I tried Rox but she's not answering. I have no one else to call..."
"It's ok. What's going on?"
"Somethin's wrong with me, Chris. There's blood everywhere and I'm in so much pain... I need you to get Rox. I think I need to go to the hospital."
"I'm leaving now... Just hang tight. Has the bleeding stopped? Can you see any cuts or anything? Was someone in your apartment?"
I choke back a sob. I don't want to cry. Maybe I'm dying though. Maybe my bad lifestyle has caught up with me and I'm finally going to die from it.
Chris' voice cuts through my thoughts, "Lex! Focus, hun. I need you to talk to me..."
"There are no cuts and no one has been in here. It's been quiet. I felt sick last night so I went straight to bed... Am I dying, Chris?"
"I hope not. I'm on my way. I'll stay on the phone with you until I get there. I should call an ambulance..."
"No! I just need some help to get cleaned up and get to the hospital..."
He stays on the phone with me and I hear him stop at Roxy's. I hear him tell her what's going on and randomly he asks me questions, just to make sure I'm ok.
"We're nearly there, Lex. How are you doing? Any more blood?"
"I don't think so. The pain is bad, Chris."
"I know. We're about 3 minutes away. Can you let us in?"
"I need help to get out of bed. It's hurts so much..."
"Ok. I'll let myself in then. The key still there?"
"Yes sir."
I hear them enter my apartment. Roxy calls out for me, and I hear Chris say, "This way."
Chris' face is the first one I see and Roxy isn't far behind him. Their eyes widen at the sight in front of them, but then they seem to gather their thoughts.
Roxy says, "You should have called 911, Lexi. This is the kind of thing they're trained to deal with."
"I don't want to go in an ambulance. Please. I just need a bit of help. I'm sorry I called y'all."
Chris shoots a look at Roxy and then says, "You don't need to apologize. That's what friends are for. You want me to help you out of bed?"
I nod, so he carefully picks me up and carries me to the bathroom. I see the grimace on his face as I hiss in pain and I feel bad for asking him to do this. A lone tear slides down my cheek as I think about how selfish I am being.
I whisper, "I'm sorry, Chris. I shouldn't have asked you to come here. It was selfish of me..."
"No, it wasn't. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt me to see you like this, but I'd be even more hurt if you didn't call me. Let's get you cleaned up a bit and we'll get you to the hospital, huh?"
"Yes sir."
Roxy appears in the doorway with some clothes for me.
"I took pictures of the bed for the doctor and I've thrown out the sheets. I didn't think you'd want to keep them."
"No ma'am. Thank you. I'm sorry about this, Rox, really."
"It's not your fault. We'll get you checked out and then we'll go from there. You might need a few days off though..."
I try to chuckle at that, but it's too painful. Instead, I whisper, "Maybe one or two."
Chris frowns and pauses as he's running the bath water.
"I think you'll need more than two days off. This doesn't look like a bug or virus, Lex."
He lifts me into the bath so I can wash the blood stains off me. I do the best I can through the pain and our rushing to get me to the hospital. They help me to dress and then Chris carries me to his car.
When we get to the hospital, I'm seen quite quickly. I think it has something to do with Chris and Roxy embellishing the story and making it seem much worse than it actually is. Don't get me wrong, the pain is excruciating, but I don't think I'm dying anymore. Chris waits outside, while Roxy sees the doctor with me. After explaining to the doctor what happened and a brief examination, Roxy shows him the pictures of the blood.
He frowns, "That's quite a lot of blood, Miss Voight. I'd like to run some blood work and confirm some things, but I'm pretty sure you've suffered a miscarriage..."
I frown, "A what?"
"A miscarriage. I'll need the blood work to confirm and I'd like to have an ultrasound done, just to be sure."
I nod in shock, but I don't believe what he's just told me. He has a nurse take my blood and then he performs a pelvic exam before he performs the ultrasound.
He nods to himself and then says, "We're just waiting for your blood results. When I have those, then we can have a talk about what is going on."
Roxy and I sit in silence for a long time before the doctor returns.
He stands next to the bed I'm on and lets out a little sigh, "Ok, so you have had a miscarriage. The tests show you were approximately 11 weeks pregnant..."
"Sorry doc, I think you're mistaken."
"No mistake, my dear. The blood work, the pelvic exam and the ultrasound all confirm it. The good news is, that you seem to have expelled the whole fetus. That basically means that we have no need to perform any further surgical procedures. I will put you on some pain relief and some antibiotics, just to be on the safe side. You should take it easy for at least two weeks though. No strenuous activity and no intercourse during this time. You may experience some bleeding, but this should ease now because there is no more fetus to expel."
He runs through what I need to do, what I need to avoid and what I should do if I experience any other symptoms. I nod, completely in a daze and wait for him to fill my prescriptions.
As soon as Chris sees us, he looks concerned, "They're letting you home?! That can't be right..."
I say, "Yeah. I'm fine, Chris. Just need some rest."
He eyes me carefully, "You sure about that?"
"Yes. I'd like to go home and have a proper bath now, if that's ok."
He nods and leads us to the car. Roxy doesn't say anything until we get into my apartment. Just as I'm going to the bathroom, she takes my elbow in her hand.
"You'll take the two weeks off and then we'll reassess how you're doing, ok?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Lex? How are you feeling?"
"Like crud."
"I don't mean your physical body."
"I'm fine, Rox. Honestly. I didn't know so it's not like I was attached to it. It's for the best anyway. I don't know how it happened. I thought I was being careful. Obviously not. I'm sorry about that."
"Maybe we should cut back on your private sessions..."
"No, we don't need to do that. I'll be fine once I've recovered. I'll be more careful, I promise. Come on, you know I'm a good earner for the club. You don't wanna lose business, do you?"
She shakes her head at me, "You're something else, doll. Take the two weeks and then we'll talk about it. Ok?"
"Ok. Thanks for everythin' Rox."
"Don't mention it. If you need anything, you let me know right away. Also, you and Chris...?"
I send her a sheepish smile, "It's not what you think, really. We hooked up for a while ages ago, but we haven't done anythin' for over a year. He's just a friend, I guess."
"Are you sure he knows that? He doesn't look at you like you're his friend..."
"We've talked about it. We're friends, that's it. I can't speak for his feelin's on the matter, but those are mine. He knows it too."
She nods, "Just don't let it affect either of your work. I love you both, but I love my club as well. I can't have trouble going on between my staff."
"I understand. It won't be a problem."
"Good. I'll see myself out and if you need anything, call me."
"Yes ma'am. Thanks."
She winks at me before exiting my room. I hear the front door close before I get into the bath. I start the water and then grab some of my most comfortable clothes. Chris appears in my bedroom as I'm rooting through my wardrobe for a sweater.
"You looking for this?"
He hands me Caleb's old school sweater and I smile at him before thanking him.
"I thought I'd stick around for a while just to make sure you're ok."
"I'm fine, Chris, but thanks anyway."
"Did the doctor know what was wrong?"
I nod and turn away from him. I don't want him to know how stupid and careless I have been. I know he called me on my destructive behavior, but he doesn't know how bad it really got. I don't need another person to remind me just how much of a failure I am. I don't need someone else to be ashamed of me.
He steps in front of me, looking rather concerned.
"Are you ok? You spaced out and you don't look so great."
"Just an infection, Chris. I'll be fine once I rest up and take the meds they've given me."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
"You want food?"
My stomach lets out a growl. I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon and now that I think about it, I am hungry.
I chuckle, "Yeah. There's cash in the kitchen drawer. Order whatever you want. I'm not fussy."
"Ok."
As I soak in the bath, I think about how things have turned out. I need to make a change. If I have learned anything from this experience, it's that I need to be more careful and take care of myself better. I need to learn how to cope with the loneliness and the pain without turning to drugs. Alcohol can't go completely, but I can try to lessen my intake on a daily basis.
I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to feel, but I don't feel sad about the miscarriage. I don't really feel anything, to be honest. I didn't even know I was pregnant, so it's not like I was attached to it or anything. It's just another thing that has happened and I have to learn from it. New York is definitely giving me lots of life experience, that's for sure.
Chris helps me a lot during the two weeks I'm out of work. It seems that Rox told him I'm not allowed to do any strenuous activities so he's taken that very seriously. He even helped me get a new mattress for my bed because the old one was completely ruined from the blood stains. He joked about testing it out, but after he finished laughing, he assured me that he knew we were just friends. I smiled and nodded, but really I was thinking about how loosely people use that term. I don't honestly believe I have any real friends. I have acquaintances but they all think they're my friends, so I simply go along with it. In the back of my mind I'm constantly questioning their motives and if today will be the day they betray me.
I know that's not a healthy way to live, but it became second nature to me a long time ago so I don't even realize I'm thinking like that most of the time. I start to hang around with the girls a bit more, which was sort of caused by the whole miscarriage thing. I realized that Rox and Chris were the only ones I could call. I didn't want to put Chris in that situation again so I decided to try being more friendly with the girls.
Things have been more difficult, but they are better.