It's hard to do these things alone
Just hold on, we're going home
-Drake
Alexia's P.O.V.
“Dalion, please don't do this with mommy today.” I sighed.
He never liked for me to wash his face but today it's more a struggle than usual. As hard as it was to wake him from his sleep, I managed. A grumpy faced boy is not a good way to start a day. I can't blame him though, I'm not too excited about leaving either.
He groaned as he pulled his head away from my hands.
“I'm tired.” he whined.
“Okay, okay. I'm almost done.”
I wiped the last bit of sleep from his eye and as soon as I was done, he jetted out the bathroom. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or sigh in defeat.
I tried to explain to him what was going on, but how do you explain something like this to a 3 year old? I didn't know what was going on my damn self so how could I tell him? In the end, I told him we were going on a vacation. In my mind, I was technically right. As soon as everything passes over, we can come right back and everything will go back to normal. A vacation.
I walk out the bathroom and go into Dalion's room. The only thing left in there were a couple of his toys, a few boxes, and his bed. I shook my head when I saw him sprawled out over his Marvel covers. I decided I would just let him rest a little longer, while I finish packing the car.
Grabbing some boxes from the corner of the room -which I'm struggling to do by myself-, I wobble my way to the living room. I swear, I didn't know this boy had this much stuff. Before I can get to the door, the doorbell rings.
“Shit.” I cursed. I dropped the box at my feet and walk the extra paces to the door.
It's 7 o'clock in the morning. Who knocks on people's doors at this time? I look through the peephole and a smile of relief flashed on my face.
“Jay Jay.” I almost sighed as I swung the door open.
He sent me a heartwarming smile.
“Knowing you, I knew you would need a little help.”
I rolled my eyes as I stepped aside to let him in. But I still felt grateful. Him being here really would settle me a little. I've been going fucking crazy this past week. Trying to get everything together at the very last minute is pretty much impossible. I couldn't even figure out how to start so who knows how I'm going to finish.
“Alright.” Jay Jay clapped his hands. “Let's get this done.”
I tiredly smiled and nodded my head. Let's get this shit done.
2 hours of packing, stacking, and loading boxes. Let me tell you, those apartment stairs are no joke. The place was now empty, only with a few things left that wouldn't fit in my car. Jay Jay was able to get a storage unit for me, and when we leave, he would take them there.
Somewhere along us packing up the car, Dalion joined us --awoken from his sleep. He wanted to help, so Jay Jay assigned him tasks like packing up the rest of his toys and carrying, the 'big boy' boxes. It was cute nonetheless.
I think Jay Jay was using this time to hold on to Dalion a little longer. Dalion was his little helper. As much of a hassle he could be, he was like his grandchild. It hurt me a little, that Jay Jay would be by himself again after getting used to the company of someone so...energetic.
Putting some of the last boxes in the car, my phone rings from my back pocket. I grab my phone, and fumble with sliding the answer icon. Stupid ass gloves.
“Hello.” I said putting the phone to my ear.
“Hey Alexia! I ain't talk to you in a while.”
I close the trunk and look at the caller ID...Jazmine. Even though, I know how close ties Jazmine had to DJ, I tried not to let that mess up our friendship. Of course eventually, we started to just...stop. Me and Jaz were never that close to begin with but I still considered her as a good friend.
“Oh, yeah! Hey girl. How you been?” I asked.
“I-I'm doing fine.”
Something told me she wasn't doing fine. I haven't talked to this girl in a couple of months and now she calls me all of a sudden. Something was up.
“You sure, Jaz? I mean I know it's been a while but I'm still the same ole Alexia. You can tell me anything.”
“Yea, I just been goin' through some shit lately. Me and Black just been... damn I don't even know. Shit is just changing.”
“Ain't that the truth.” I mumbled under my breath.
“To be honest, I just needed someone to talk to.”
I could hear the hesitancy in her voice.
“Well I'm all ears.” I said as I walked up the steps.
“You know what he does, Alexia.” Oh I most definitely know what he does. “And I became okay with that, but now...now I think it's time to settle. He's still the same stupid ass nigga, but now him and his decisions...they are becoming too much. I only have so much patience.”
I plopped on the couch, in the bare living room. This is partly the reason I didn't want to get involved with that shit. There is no way to have stability, especially with a child. I do commend Jazmine though. She rode for that long. Maybe they should just try to get pass this bump in the road.
Just because I have my own opinion about a relationship don't mean Imma be the girl who's all, “Bitch, I told you. That's the exact reason why I don't fuck with these niggas. Niggas ain't shit!”
If she was happy, then she was happy. I think they just need to find the source of their problems.
“Well, maybe y'all just need to have a heart to heart, you know? Just sit down, talk it out and work shit out. Y'all been together for a long time, Jazmine. I don't want y'all to be done over some petty shit. I know y'all still got a little somethin' left.”
After all, all those hard years of putting up with Black ass wouldn't be for nothing.
I heard her sigh.
“I been tryin' that, but he can't fuckin' listen. He swears up and down that what he's doing ain't nothin' but if I was to do the same shit, it would be somethin'. He's so damn hardheaded.”
Jay Jay walked in the room, hand in hand with Dalion. I looked up at them and smiled as they stood, waiting for me to finish my conversation.
“Well try it again. Make him listen. I know, you said that he hasn't been making the right decisions but at the end of the day they are his decisions. Just let him know that one day he can make the wrong choice...”
Dalion came and squeezed his way through the loop of my arm. He buried his head in my sweater. I looked up at Jay Jay and he just shrugged his shoulders.
Jazmine sighed.
“I-I guess.”
“Yea” I sighed. “But look, I'm really sorry Jaz, but I gotta go.”
“It's okay...But wait. We need to find some time to hang out Alexia. I know you moved and all but we still need to chill.”
I nodded my head and sighed.
“Yea, you might see me sooner than you think.” I said.
Dalion squirmed in my arm as I wrapped it around him. What is going on?
“What you mean.” Jaz asked.
“I'm comin' to visit for a while. I have some...things to do.”
The topic about my mom was personal. I trust Jazmine, but I didn't even tell Shay about my situation. I just..can't. Not yet.
“Oh that's great!” she said.
I nodded my head... as if she could see me.
“Yea...but I really have to go now, Jazmine. Remember what I said. Try.”
“Yea. I will. Bye, Alexia.”
“Bye, Jaz”
Hanging up the phone, I look down and Dalion who has made himself comfortable in my side.
“I'ont wanna go.” He said, with his little hazel eyes.
I sighed and shook my head. I didn't want to do this. I did everything in my power to stop something like this from happening. This moment right here, is exactly what I was trying to avoid. He shouldn't have to go through this. No matter what, I will always be a mother first and seeing my baby like this, almost brings tears to my eyes. I didn't want to tear him away from everything he knows. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
I pick him up and position him on my lap. I wrap my arms around his little frame and place a kiss on the top of his head.
“Why not?” I asked.
“I wike here mommy and granpop Jay Jay.”
Looking up at Jay Jay, in the corner of the room, he looked at me with sadness in his eyes as he shrugged his shoulders. I silently asked for his help, pleading with my eyes. He walked over and sat on the other side of me.
“Aah, booger.” Jay Jay spoke “We will still see each other. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is gonna stop us from playing Superhero Chase.”
I smiled at that. I knew it was a game they both made up and played all the time.
Dalion smiled a little.
“Pwomise?” He asked sticking out his pinky.
When did he learn how to pinky promise? I guess that's another thing Jay Jay taught him.
“I promise.” Jay said linking his finger with Dalion's.
“And plus,” I chimed. “You get to see Terrence and Aunty Shay.”
“Weally?” His smile grew wider.
“Really.” I said.
He hopped off my lap and disappeared down the hall. He came back in wearing his winter jacket and his gloves on the wrongs hands.
“Come on Mommy. We gotta see Tewwy!”
I looked at Jay Jay and we both started laughing. He is such a trip. But I knew that he would be excited to see his god-brother. Since the moment they met, they were the best of friends. I think it was because of the mix between me and Shay's genes. How could they not be friends? Even a 200 mile distance couldn't stop the growth of their friendship. I don't think the Skype sessions were helping either.
Me and Jay Jay both got up from the couch, as we prepared ourselves for our goodbye. He stood by the door, waiting patiently, while I helped Dalion get his gloves situated. Finally, after bundling up, we all walked out the door. Turning around I took one last look at the apartment. It may not have been much but it was mine. I worked my ass off for this place and I have created my own memories. It was my home.
We made it to the car that was packed with stuff. Dalion and Jay Jay did a a heart warming goodbye and I knew it was my turn.
“Be careful.” Jay Jay said. “I have faith in you, Alexia. No matter what happens...you can get through it. Everything will be fine.”
I honestly couldn't bring myself to believe in his words, but coming from Jay Jay I had to. Would everything be fine? It's hard starting over, but how do you start over if you start from nothing? I don't know anymore.
“I don't know Jay Jay.” I shook my head. “It's finally hittin' me.”
He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a reassuring squeeze.
“You can do it.”
Pulling away, he gave a confident look in the eyes. Man, why did he have to be so damn comforting? I wanted him to say 'stay' not 'go'. But I can't lie, his encouragement was well needed.
I nodded my head and gave him one last hug.
“I love you Jay Jay.”
“I love you too, Alexia.”
I hop in the car and start the engine. This was it. This was the moment.
I pull out of the parking space and beep the horn at Jay Jay. He waved at me and Dalion as he stood in the cold. In his car seat, Dalion waved harshly back. It was heaviness over me. Once I get there, I wouldn't know what to do. I fought the tears that threatened to fall. You can do it. No looking back.
DJ's P.O.V.
I don't know why, but I was here. Ain't no way in hell, I don't look out of place in a fucking park. A nigga, like me, don't go parks with kids and strollers. So why the hell am I here now? At least it felt good outside. The sun was out and the grass was green. I guess it was spring.
I was walking. I don't know where I was going, but that didn't stop me from moving. I ain't been to a park since I was a kid. When I got older, some days, me and my 'crew' would hustle there. Right by the big oak tree. I came a long way from those days. A nigga started grinding.
My feet had a mind of their own. They were taking me anywhere and everywhere. I still had no clue what I was doing here. There had to be a reason.
I found myself in front of a bench that was facing a playground. I could see the kids swinging on the swings, running in the jungle gym, and climbing the monkey bars. And I had myself thinking, do I even like kids? I think I'm okay with them but I'm just not ready to have any for myself. Raising a kid is a job all by itself. That shit is stressful.
I sat on the bench as I watched all the kids play. I can't lie, a part of me was feeling a little nostalgic. I miss the days when I ain't have to worry about shit. I miss being able to live life in the moment. I fucking miss being a kid.
As I sat on the bench thinking, I couldn't help but notice the little boy next to me. He must have just got there 'cause I swear he wasn't there earlier. His head hung low and his little feet kicked the air as his legs dangled over the edge of the seat. I don't know what it was, but I felt some kind of pull to this kid. He sighed and slumped his shoulders. I could tell he wasn't feeling right.
“What's wrong lil man?” I asked.
He didn't look up at me when he answered.
“I'm bored.” he shrugged
I rose my eyebrow at him.
“You're in a park full of little kids and slides and you tellin' me you bored?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“They are all the same.” He said.
“The parks?”
“The people.” He corrected.
I fixed my position on the bench. I don't know who this kid was but he seemed smart. Young too. I still couldn't explain this pull.
“How are the people the same?” I asked.
He still hasn't lifted his gaze from his feet.
“They're all stupid.”
I threw my head back laughing. It was just something about him. Something.
“Trust me lil man, you gonna meet a lot of stupid people in life and someday you might even feel like one, but in the end without a little stupid, there wouldn't be a such thing as smart.”
He shrugged again.
“That makes sense.”
Something about this boy reminded me a lot of myself. Also a little bit of someone else, but I couldn't put my finger on it. He was definitely not like any other kid.
“Hey, where's your parents?” I asked.
It makes no sense for a little boy to be roaming around a big ass park by himself. He could be kidnapped or some shit. If I was a lunatic, I could have took him right then and there. Lucky for him, I'm a nice stranger.
He shrugged as he kept pushing his feet. I don't know why I wanted to so bad, but I just had to see his face.
“My mommy is... somewhere.”
“What about your daddy?”
He paused and his feet stopped swinging.
“He's close.” he said.
“How would he feel if he knew you were talkin' to strangers?” I asked
It was a short silence. Slowly he lifted his head up and I couldn't believe my eyes. Literally. He had my eyes, my nose, my lips, my hair...everything. I would have jumped up if I wasn't so shocked. This kid was me.
“I don't know,” he said. “How do you feel?”
“Baby!! Baby! Where are you?” a voice yelled from far away.
Before I had the chance to reply, he hopped off the bench and ran off. He ran into a woman's arms who I couldn't exactly see, but I swear her voice sounded familiar. She was an image of fuzz. Everything started to turn into a blur. Everything was fading. Everything was swirling. Everything was gone.
Waking up, I look around the room. I heard heavy breathing beside me, and I turned my head. Looking in the bed next to me, I see Trinay wrapped up in the sheets of her bed. Her naked body lay under the sheets and I could see the physique of her. Trinay looked good, and fine as hell, but I don't know if she would ever be wifey material.
I sat up in the bed, and shuffled out of the sheets. The whole, time I try to find my clothes, I couldn't help but think, what the fuck that dream meant? That boy looked just like me and reminded me so much of myself. I don't think it means what I think it means...does it. Naah. No fucking way. If so then that shit was random. It was just a dream. It ain't mean shit.
After I throw on my clothes, I walk out the room and out of the apartment. Damn, I forgot how cold it was. I jog to the car, get in and hurriedly start the engine. As I turned the heat on, images of the dream flashed in my mind. It didn't make any sense, but that shit was so fucking vivid. I have to be tripping. Yea, I should probably lay back on that weed and shit. It's really fucking a nigga up. Damn. It ain't mean shit.
-----------------------------
And it is building up...