It felt like you threw me so far from myself I've been trying to find my way back ever since
- rupi kaur
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Chapter 20
Camila's POV
"I guess this is it. Take care of yourself, Camz. I will miss you." Lauren step one foot closer before leaning in to kiss my forehead. I close my eyes, letting the tears fall down to my cheeks, "Thank you for everything. Till we meet again."
"Camila!" Shawn pulled me in for a hug. A very tight one. I can see to his face that he's super worried about me. I close my eyes and bite the inside of my cheek. It's not the same anymore. Everything changed.
"Mila, I'm so happy for you." Normani smiled widely. Dinah's having a serious face while Ally's being all neutral like she always does, "Finally! You're off the hook of that troubled deal. You're a free woman again!"
Despite of the overwhelming happenings that happened to me in span of one week, those are the ones that kept echoing inside my head. When I get back to New York, Shawn's the first person to fetch me. He hugged me. Super tight, I can actually put my guard down. I felt safe. But something's different. It's not the same anymore. The feelings aren't there anymore. The spark is gone. The butterflies are gone as well. He touched me and I wanted to breakdown because he wasn't Lauren. Shawn's the one who told me about everything- How Lauren announced to the whole campus about our deal, that our marriage is fraud. Everything's going back to normal like I wish it would. I thought I would be happy. I really did thought I would. The next day, Shawn and I became official to everyone. Every students, every professors in the faculty, our coaches, and even in his basketball team and my track and field team showed their happiness and support for us. Except for Alex and Dinah, ofcourse. Now, I'm no longer the Lauren of Camila. Everyone knew me as the Shawn of Camila. The Mendes of Camila. Lauren's parents apologize to me for all the trouble I've been through throughout the days I've spent with them. I'm also living with Dinah and Ally again just like before. Shawn is still nagging me to live with him but Dinah protest at the idea. I don't want to live with him anymore either. I know that if I live with him, things will happen. And I don't think I can fully submit myself to someone I don't love anymore.
Now that everything is going back to normal, I feel like this is the reset button I've been waiting for to have. Lauren also kept her promise to me. I haven't seen her around even in the deepest corner of the campus, there's no Lauren in sight. Sure, I've seen Kendall, Selena, and Taylor, the four of us are still friends but I really don't see Lauren. She's not in San Francisco anymore. I know she's here in New York because I heard one of her Soccer teammate that she's been practicing during night to avoid people bothering her. I also heard that most of the time, Lauren's drunk and partying at her club just like the typical Lauren I knew. And sometimes I'm starting to wonder if she think about me as much as I think about her. I miss her already. I miss her so much.
Am I having regrets? Sure, I am. I guess for everything.
Today is our official try out. Five chosen women who will compete at the Nationals to represent Carolton for the upcoming huge event.
While waiting for my call, I'm slacking off at the bench while reading my book. I learned so much about reading this and I think it helps me think more clearer than I did the past couple of weeks.
"Cami!" Alex snap her fingers right in front of my nose, snapping me out from my thoughts. I'm reading but I can't understand it properly. I'm not with myself lately and Lauren's the reason why, "You're so invested in that book! Tell me, do you still know me?"
I chuckled as I close the book and settle it in my lap, "I still know you, silly!"
"What's my name then?"
"Alex. The annoying Alex."
"Ouch." Alex put her hand in her chest and acted as if she's hurt by my words, "Am I really annoying?"
I smiled and says, "Yes." Making Alex pout her lips like a child who got denied of having a lollipop after lunch. And then a memory of us suddenly crossed my mind.
....
"I knew it! You're not really straight at all." I pulled away and glare sharply at her, "I got you there, didn't I? Cause you're literally blushing right now, tweed."
I took the pillow beside me and throw it straight to Lauren's face, "You're the most annoying person I've ever met! Remember that!"
....
"I miss her." I blurted out but I know it's already too late to bring it back since Alex had a bunny ears when it comes to things like this. And just like what I expected, Alex's nose is already right in front of my salad.
"You mean, you miss Lauren?" She eagerly asked. I'm about to answer when Alex speak again, "Go ahead and tell her. If you want something then go ask for it."
"It's complicated."
"Life is complicated, Cami! Nothing in life is easy." Alex picked up my book from my lap, "You've been reading this book almost the whole week, right? What did you learn?"
"Taking risk. Trying."
"Exactly! Life is all about taking risk and see the outcome. Heartbreak is inevitable, Cami. It's part of being In love. How will you grow up and be a strong woman if you won't feel any pain at all?"
I didn't speak nor open my mouth to say something.
"Don't settle with Sean because my gay ass-"
"You mean Shawn?"
"Yeah, him. Shawn Mentos. I mean, it's too obvious that you don't feel the same way about him anymore. Tell me straight, do you love him?"
I shook my head firmly. No doubt, no second question about it.
"Who do you love then? Who's the person that your heart scream?"
I gulped before I open my mouth. With my utmost sincerity, I said her name that's been burning my soul ever since. "Lauren."
"What do you feel about her?"
"She...she's everything that I need. Everything that I ever want. I never wanted anything else this much before. I never cared too much before. Until I met her."
"Okay. So are you going to sit there and read this book the whole day, search the crowds hoping that you will see her? Are you going to let Lauren go that easily? Wake up every morning living with your greatest regret of what could have been if you ever tried before?" Alex snatch the book from my lap and eagerly scan through the pages until she found the page I'm always staring at.
"I want it all, and to have it all, you have to risk it all." Alex read out loud the quote I highlighted from the book, "There's a reason why you highlighted this quote. Go, Cami. Take the risk. Grab the chance. Run after Lauren. Catch up to her until she's already in your arms. Hug her tightly. Hug her and never let go."
I close my eyes and took a deep breath and then open my eyes again to meet Alex, "I'll come running back to her." And Alex gave me a proud smile with a nod.
I'm done playing games. I'm done pretending I don't love her. Enough of lies. I love her and I'm all in. I'll take the risk, let my heart rip wide open by her so I can know better what love truly means, I don't care. The cruel truth is, love is scary. It changes and it can go away. That's the part of the risk and I'm willing to dive in it. Naked and raw. I don't want to be scared anymore.
***
After the try out, Alex and I made it to the top 5 who will represent the track and field team of Carolton. I'm so happy that I kept jumping up and down while Alex wrapped her arms around my neck while giggling as she whisper to my ear, "We're such a team!" Dinah, Ally, and Mani happily run down from the top side row down to the oval to join the hug.
There's a party happening tonight at the open field for all the athletes to celebrate for passing out the try out. I'm not going to say it was easy. It was hard though and I'm not expecting to be in the top 5. Shawn don't do the try out since he's already a varsity player but he will be at the party as well. And I'm really hoping that Lauren will be there too so I can tell her everything tonight. Before attending the party, we make the rest of our afternoon a girls time at the coffee shop we always used to hang out in our free time.
We occupied the table good for 5 person at the left corner near the huge window in which you can have a great view of the street of Brooklyn. I'm sitting in between Alex and Ally and in front of us are Mani and Dinah. Ally's the one who place our order since she's the mom of our group and mom is the one who's always placing an order for her four lovely-I mean three lovely daughters and one prankster.
"Congrats on winning!!!" Mani squealed in happiness while holding my hand as well as Alex's, squeezing it gently. Mani's expression makes her our second proud mama.
"A try out, Mani. It's a just a try out, geez!" Alex.
"Still! I'm so proud of you two." Mani.
"Here's your order, children." Ally put down the tray and distributed our drinks before settling to her seat next to me.
I sip at my drink, same goes to the girls. And since this is a girls time, I feel the need to tell them about my plan first, "I'm breaking up with Shawn." I said, earning a reaction from everyone.
Ally's surprise, Dinah's smiling, Normani almost got choked in her drink, and Alex stand up from her seat, eyes close, hands up like she's worshiping in a church as the asian girl shouted out loud, "Shitmila's over! Hallelujah! Praise the lord! Aba Ginoong Maria, napupuno ka ng grasya!" making all of us to laugh.
"Walz, congrats!" Dinah suddenly grab my hand and handshake it with a huge smile on her lips, "You're about to break up with a fucking cheater. Congrats, so happy for you!"
It's my turn to got choke while Normani surely choked this time, "Shawn's a cheater?!" Mani, Ally, and I asked at the same time while Dinah's giving us a super sure nod and Alex wearing a let's pretend that I'm surprise kind of look in her face.
"That's what I said." Dinah.
"Besides, isn't it obvious? Mentos looks like he can't commit to one girl only. Boy is cancelled. Ba-bush!"
"Shawn's not a cheater. I knew him. It's probably a rumour." Normani defended him, ofcourse, she'll defended him.
"Mani, I saw it with my two eyes. Lauren and I! We saw it!" Dinah.
"Me too!" Alex raise her hand like she's in a freakin' debate. She's actually enjoying this, I can see it.
Dinah shift her eyes to Alex with a gasp, "You were there too, Araña?"
"I'm not. But I can see him flirting with girls inside the boys locker room. I caught him once."
I'm not hurt. Or least to say, I am but very little. I guess I'm upset cause he's my best friend and I trust him more than anything. He's one of the person who's super important to me. I see him as this perfect man, so solemn and so precious. I guess Lauren's right, I never know who Shawn is after all.
"Wait, who's Mentos?" Ally asked in the middle of the debate.
I look at Normani and she's not buying everything Dinah and Alex are selling about Shawn. I believe them though because girls understand each other more than anything else. The connection between us is something strongly undeniable just like our gut feeling.
"Shawn can never." Mani firmly says with a serious face.
"Seriously, Mani? Are you picking that cheater's side instead of Walz? Our little Camila?" Dinah.
"It's not like that. You know it will never be like that. It's just that...Shawn is like my little brother and after everything that we've been through it's just that..." Normani's expression soften, "I just can't believe he's going back to that again."
Going back to that again? What was that even mean?
"Cheater will always be a cheater, Mani. You can't expect Mentos to became a holy man just like that." Alex.
"Wait, are we still talking about Shawn or this Mentos guy?" Ally asked again, wearing this super confused look.
"Ally," I caress her shoulder while giving the little one a sympathetic look, "just sip your coffee, okay?"
"Let's just move on from this topic." Normani.
"Right." Dinah.
"Mila!" Ally groaned, making me laugh.
"Shawn is Mentos. Shawn Peter Mentos." I told Ally and the thought of Mendes-Mentos logic finally sinking down to her brain appeared on Ally's face
"Ohh...okay, okay, I get it now! So, Shawn is a cheater, huh?" Ally leaned closer to the table, earning a look from the two girls in front of us.
"Ally, are you okay?" Dinah asked, "Do you have a fever or something?"
"Al, we ended that topic a few seconds ago." Mani said, making Ally pout. "Camila," I look at Mani who's giving me a look, "I'll talk to Shawn, okay?"
"No need." I said, "I don't see any reason to patch our relationship."
"But, why?" Normani asked. I open my mouth to say a word when Alex suddenly butt in.
"BECAUSE SHE'S IN LOVE WITH LAUREN!" Alex proudly announced like a hyped kid telling her parents I'm going back to sleep and don't you dare disturb me because there's no classes today kind of hyped.
Normani's eyes widen. The look on her face has a mix expression of disappointment and unamused, "Lauren Jauregui? You're In love with her?"
I shift my eyes on Dinah for a split second when the Polynesian girl cleared her throat, preparing the missile to launch towards Normani's ear. Three, two, one, "WALZ IS IN LOVE WITH LAUREN!" And Mani shoot Dinah a very sharp glare, like a knife that can easily cut you deeply without any effort.
"Mila, is it true?" Normani asked. Her voice became firm and I can sense the anger slowly rising up to her throat.
"Yes."
"She's a douche, Mila. I'm sorry, but she is. All the guys and girls on the soccer team are! Girls like Jauregui only care about one thing. As soon as they get it, they're done. They get bored."
"But she dated Keana for a long time!" I didn't mean to sound defensive but it turns out that way.
"Yeah, she is. And the thing is, you're not Keana. Not every girls out there is Keana. For her, there's no one who can replace Keana. Lauren is emotionally wrecked, Camila! And no other person can fix her, only Keana! She says she loves you because she feels empty, she feels sad. Because you're with Shawn and not because she feels the same way too. Trust me Camila, I know better."
I furrowed my eyebrows at how Normani easily judge Lauren. For the record, I think I'm the one who knew better. Mani's not there when Lauren became this vulnerable. Mani's not there when Lauren speak her heart out. Mani's not there to see the look in her eyes, how sincere and truthful she is. Mani's not there when we kissed and feel what I felt. I'M THE ONE who's there, not Mani. "How can you say that so easily as if you were her?!"
"Because I was there and you weren't!"
"No, you're not! Are you there when Lauren became vulnerable? Became too emotional and raw? Are you there when her eyes speaks the whole truth? How she struggle to save herself? Are you there, Mani? No, you're not! But I was! And I can feel that she love me because she needs me. That she love me because I was her life! Love me enough to let me go so I can be happy and not get hurt. So tell me, Mani, isn't it that love?" I almost yelled with tears at the side of my eyes.
The tension between Mani and I are starting to progress so Alex came to my side to hold my shoulders while Ally and Dinah grab a hold of Normani.
Mani stayed silent but that doesn't mean her anger subside. It's still visible. And I don't think it ceased. Instead, it grew even more.
"Why do you hate her so much? Tell me! Make me understand why-!"
"Because Shawn fell In love with Keana as much as Lauren does!" Normani yelled back. Her eyes became red even more, "And when Keana slept with Shawn, Lauren was so furious and now she wanted to have revenge. By using you. Doing the exact same thing Shawn did to Keana two years ago."
My expression soften. "I wanted to protect you Mila because..." Normani trails off, contemplating whether she's going to say the thought in her head or not. After a mere seconds of pause, Mani speak again. "You are my best friend, Camila. I don't want you to get hurt. You don't deserve being used by someone just to satisfy their own desire." I remain quiet in my seat as Mani stand up, gaze still fix on me. "You can love a monster, it can even love you back, but that doesn't change it's nature. Remember that, Camila." And by that, Normani walk away.
"I'll go get her." Ally quickly stand up from her seat, so does Dinah. They both bid their quick goodbye before storming off to run after Normani.
"Oh boy, I smell trouble." Alex groaned, resting her head at the headboard of the couch that we're sitting at.
My chest squeezed tightly, I can't even breathe. Break ups is painful but seeing your best friend be disappointed and upset to you is a whole lot of pain. I don't want to destroy our friendship, I really don't. Mani is the kind of friend that you should keep for life. She's understanding and very supportive (except for this). She's always there when I need her and I'm always there when she needs me too. She's my rock and bottom, my everything. We were like Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox, Rachel and Monica, that's how strong our friendship is. And this is one of the stake I need to put out in my deck because I love Lauren- risking our friendship and the possibility of destroying it in the process.