I had to fight my way out of my room after another day of being confined to the Gods awful hospital bed. I almost caused a scene.
I was feeling much better, physically at least. I missed the simple comforts: a place that was my own, a bed, food. I wanted the world to leave me alone for a few days, for things to settle down so I could make sense of all that had happened. Like with New York, this whole fiasco with HYDRA had only taken place in the time span of a week, if not longer than that.
So much in such little time.
Todd and Tasha had dropped by earlier this morning, giving me a change of clothes. They were going to negotiate Steve's release and mine. Now, I was out of the hospital gown and back to normal clothing. I had nothing attached to me, so I was able to leave the room.
I felt a new sense of freedom upon leaving the room. Like nothing could touch me. Like nothing could hold me back. I walked through the halls with a bit of swagger. Though I would feel fine for right now, I knew it wouldn't last. Something would come along to snatch this mood improvement away.
I decided to hunt for Steve's room, as Todd had told me his room hadn't been far from mine. Only a few doors down, actually. In a hasty little trot, I kept my eyes focused, waiting to see something familiar that would bring me into the room. I was four doors in when I saw him pulling a shirt over his head.
I backtracked, peeking in to make sure I wasn't tricking my brain. I wasn't.
He was alone, Sam Wilson wasn't with him. Good, so now I don't have to make awkward eye contact with a man I tried to kill in my brainwashed state of mind. I saw the shield at the base of the bed, too. It was a much welcomed sight.
My breath hitched in my throat when I met Steve's shining blue eyes. We went right for each other, I practically jumped into his arms. I hugged him so tight, I didn't care if I hurt him. I burrowed my head into his shoulder, his hand brushed through my hair.
I pulled away to see fading bruises, cuts, and a black eye on his face. I delicately touched his face, he was trying his hardest to not flinch.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you've got Asgardian healing powers," I joked halfheartedly. "These should be gone within the next day or two. How're you feeling?"
"Truthfully, it's hard to say." Gods, I missed how gentle his voice was. He pulled the chain out from under his shirt, letting the flame necklace rest comfortably on the surface. "I want to say that I'm fine."
"But you're not. I know the feeling."
"Did they hurt you?"
"What? Steve, I'm..." I sighed. "Well, I'm not fine. I'm just...normal, I guess. I'm me again. No mind control. No power shortage. Just Kiara Rivers."
"I'm glad, because I missed her, so much." He pushed his forehead against mine.
"I did too." I cleared my throat, avoiding eye contact. "I'm sorry, for what I've done."
"It wasn't your fault. You weren't in control."
I licked my lips. "That's what frustrates me. That it wasn't my control. It was that bastard, Alexander Pierce. He pulled all the right strings for the wrong cause—well, it was the right cause for him. He ruined S.H.I.E.L.D., he..." I shivered.
"You don't need to talk about it. I saw enough." He frowned.
"Did you hear? We're getting discharged, or trying to be anyway. Todd and Nat are working that out now." I looked around. "Where's your bodyguard at?"
"Who, Sam?"
"Yeah, him."
"He ran out to get something to eat."
"I owe him an apology too."
"No, you don't," said a new voice. Steve and I turned to find the said man of discussion, holding a paper bag of breakfast food that I could smell from here.
"You sure about that? I thought you died when one of your wings got tore off and you got tossed off the Helicarrier."
"It takes a lot to kill me. You two would know all about that." He gave me an easy smile. "No worries, Kiara. I figured you'd sneak in, so I got extra for you too."
I had a feeling I was going to like Sam Wilson a lot.
Sam didn't stay for very long, though. He gave us a parting wave and told Steve to reach out when he could. He said a polite goodbye to me, and the fact that the food Steve and I swallowed down was delicious, that earned Sam Wilson more points in my book.
After a time, Todd and Tasha came to visit, after they'd found my room empty, of course. While we were discussing various things, my mind went back to the conditioning Pierce had done to me. It had been a dream, where he'd convinced me that the people in my life had wronged me, and that they had to pay. They had to die or suffer.
How easily I let Pierce get inside my head like that. I had fought Loki's control harder than that. It definitely hurt, thinking back on it. I had showed easy submission and defeat. Mind control isn't my best to combat. I can fight people all day and night, but when it comes to the mind, I'm hopeless. And so far, the mental attacks really got to me.
I felt less of an Asgardian than I ever had in my lifetime. I went from powerful and practically immortal to average power and as mortal as a human. I had a few beings to blame for that, but mostly I blamed Seth Joyce and his stupid serum that convinced me I was losing my grip on my powers and my mind.
When I pulled myself out from my head, I realized that I was alone in Steve's hospital room, sitting on the bed. I stared blankly at the floor. Where did they run off to? Did they think I snapped back to HYDRA conditioning?
"This isn't healthy for her," I heard Tasha say outside of the room, where she believed that I couldn't hear her. "She's a liability."
"I can't believe you're saying this. You know her, Nat," Steve argued on my behalf.
"I know you're attached, but you need to remove your emotions from this."
"You can go ahead and tell her that she won't be needed, but she'll argue with you until next week so she can stay in this."
"This is in her best interests. Look at her! She's a mess, Steve. She's really shaken up. The world doesn't need a superhero that's unstable."
"Aren't we all just a little bit unstable, though?" This came from Todd. I heard a little heat behind his comment.
"HYDRA knows who and what she is now," Steve reminded the two. "Even if she disappeared, they'll never stop hunting for her. She'll always be on the run. She's better off with whatever's left of us."
I pretended to focus on my hands when Steve stepped into the room. His appearance still bothered me, especially the cuts and black eye on his face. I could barely manage a smile at him as he came to be at my side.
"How're you feeling?" he asked me.
"I'm okay...ish." I looked at a point on the floor in front of me. "They've been here all this time when we thought they were extinct. Must be difficult for you to swallow."
"It is."
"Look, if you're expecting me to open up about my time with them—"
"I'm not, Kiara. I will never expect you to say something about it right away." He pried my hands apart so he could hold one firmly.
"They tried to make me like him, Steve. Like your friend. Muzzled. Brainwashed." I exhaled quietly. "I would have become another Winter Soldier." I shuddered. "They tried their hardest to retrain me to hate the people I care about." I swallowed. "They underestimated my strength, but they were a lot more persistent than Loki had been. The only reason I followed the Winter Soldier was because he was my watchdog. If I stepped out of line, he made sure I corrected myself."
"I know you fought it. I was afraid you were going to end up like him." I rested my head on Steve's shoulder. "When you disappeared, I thought the worst, especially when I found out about HYDRA. And then when I saw you...I almost thought you were just like him, that you didn't recognize me. But then you reached out...I had to have hope."
"I'm sure he'll pop up again. Maybe we'll catch him and then get him the help he needs. No one deserves a life like his. I know what he means to you." There's temporary silence. "I think I understand him now, your friend."
"How so?"
I pulled my head off Steve's shoulder to look at him. "He never had a choice in this, as I'm sure you figured that out for yourself. And I know he's not a villain, as I'm sure you also came to that conclusion as well. I felt what he went through, Steve. The helplessness, having no choice but to endure their torture. I feel like I've been in his shoes.
"But what I can't understand is how HYDRA beat him in the end." I shuddered, recalling the times I had been put through that agony. I couldn't imagine having to go through it as many times as Bucky had.
"I think I do," Steve muttered. "After HYDRA found him and kept him, they must've showed him everything that highlighted my death. They knew he wouldn't go down easy, so they showed him the one thing that would tear him apart and make him lose the will to fight." He closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't imagine what they would have done to you if they had had the time."
"I don't want to."
"Well, the good thing now is that it's over. Pierce is dead, we took a bite out of HYDRA, and we're all still breathing." He rubbed my side.
I sighed. "So, what's our next step?"
"We lay low."
I pouted. "So I guess that means we'll never do that road trip, then?"
Steve laughed. "Who knows? Maybe we will."
"We'll have to find someplace new to stay," I told him.
"We'll figure it out. Oh. I think you might want this back." Steve had in his hand the necklace he'd given me: the one that had a mini version of his shield as a charm. He placed it back where it belonged. The charm rested against my skin. "There. It's back where it belongs now."
"I thought I lost it." I touched it as though I didn't think it was real.
"I managed to recover it." Steve smiled.
"Thank you." I grabbed him in for a kiss. I rested my forehead against his. "By the way, I eavesdropped on you and Natasha." Blush crept into my cheeks.
"I'm not surprised, you can be a bit nosy."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through this, together."
I leaned into his touch when Steve put a hand on my face. "I love you, so much."
Those words brought immense relief into my system. Yes, we'd said the words before, plenty of times. Our actions always let the other know we cared enough, though, so oftentimes the words didn't need to be said.
But right now, now of all times, those words were what I definitely needed to hear.
I smiled sheepishly. "I love you too."
**Ugh, Stiara fluff is too much, I can't <3
Honestly, Steve is her rock. So much more than Loki ever could be for her. God I love them together.**