i looked around at all of the poeple in my school.
when is the last time i had feelings for anyone?
two years ago, in tenth grade i was head over heels for a guy. but he didnt pay any attention. And that crushed me, i really felt like i loved this guy.
i now realize that i didnt love him, i was infatuated, but because i thought he understood me.
he didnt though.
how many boy friends have you had?
two. i had one in ninth grade, it lasted two weeks. and i had one at the begining of my senior year. it only lasted a week...
sometimes i think i have trust issues. or maybe love issues. i just cant feel anything for anyone.
and thats how this whole thing started, i started to question myself.
what if im looking for love in the wrong sex. what if my one true love, my price or princess is out there. im just not looking hard enough.
my whole life i had spent telling people i was as 'straight as a pole'. but now, im not so sure.
have you ever felt an attraction towards a girl?
yes. once when i was drunk. but when i woke up next to a nude female, well i freaked out and left. then i stopped talking to her. that, and many other reasons.
but i didnt mind, i was drunk. i hardly even remember any of that anymore.
have you ever had sex? with what gender.?
a couple of times. once with a girl, and the rest with guys, but we werent together. i think its because i was feeling alone. i felt like no one loved me, and i wanted to feel loved.
but i was drunk every single time.
when did you start to doubt your sexuality?
honestly, when Winter break started. it was because of my lesbian friend, and no its not because im attracted to her. im not really sure why.
maybe its because a girl can understand me better than a guy can. well i think that.
who are you attracted to now?
well a guy in particular, but its only a physical attraction. i think he's hot. and honestly id have sex with him, but i wouldnt want anything else with a player like that.
does anyone spark your interest?
no, thats why im doing this, because i dont feel attracted to anyone. no one excites me. i feel like i have a void in need of filling.
but who can fill it.
i looked up at my english teacher that was going on and on about a book wriiten by shakespear, but i have read most of his books, i dont feel like paying attention.
i stared at the paper in front of me, the paper with questions written down, i wrote those questions one day while bored. and now, im answeing my own questions. im trying to find myself.
i sighed in defeat, maybe im emotionally crippled.
maybe thats the problem, i grew up my whole life with guys, and now i dont even know what to think.
i dress like my brothers. kind of, yes i wear skinny jeans, but who doesnt. i do wear guy shirts, shoes, and sweaters.
i look like a guy, or so people tell me.
i even act like a guy. i would rather spend my time playing video games or reading.
i hate shopping, all my clothes are either black, blue, purple, or burgandy. and maybe grey.
my appearances are not my top priority. it takes me ten minutes to get ready every morning before school, while it takes some of my friends hours to get ready. screw that, i need my sleep.
i wear make up, sometimes, when im actually trying. but rarely.
and lastly, i know more guys than girls. i get along better with guys than i do with girls. but the thing is, no matter how bad it looks in others eyes that i talk to guys more than girls.... well im not interested in any of them. i see them as people i can have fun with and mess around and never get intimate.
my friend once told me, that while you are thinking about getting with someone you should think about sex. odds are that you will have sex with the person (unless the relationship doesnt last long) and if you cannot see your self having sex with that person, well there is no point in continuing the relationship because you will be afraid of the sex...
when he said it, it sounded better. i dont know why, but you get what im saying.
"isabelle, are you paying attention?" my teacher asked me.
i looked up from my questions and smiled warmly at her, "of course i am"
she seemed to lighten it and smile at me, "ok we...." and she continued her lecture.
blah.
i stared at the questions... the last question.
would you ever date a girl?
would i? im not even sure, at this point i just want a relationship. i walk around school and all i see are couples, couples, and more couples. i just wasnt someone to hug when im cold.
someone to comfort me, and someone to comfort.
the bell rang .
"dont forget to do the homework!" the teacher yelled after us.
homework, what homework.
i didnt pay attention in class again. man my grades are really going to start to suffer.
i walked out of the class and waited for my friend mary, shes lesbian. and my best friend. but our relationship is strictly friends. ive known her for so long that i could never be able to see her as anything.
"so what do you want to eat today?" she asked me while we walked to the lunch area.
"im craving subway" i said looking over to the subway line.
she chuckled. "lets go"
i nodded and followed.
mary is pretty, shes about my height 5' 7 and she has the most beautiful curly hair i have ever seen. im in love with it, her hair not her. it makes me want to touch it, i dont know why. but its freaking awesome.
she dresses like a guy too, in a relationship she would be the guy because she only dates girly girls. but i guess a lesbian relationship looks good that way. a tomboy and a girly girl. well i think it looks cute.
after we got our food we went outside to eat, we had a table there were we every single day.
"ummm" i was biting my lip. how do i say this.
"mary, how did you know you were lesbian?" i asked her while opening my bag of chips and eating some.
her eyes widened slightly, but she smiled anyways.
"its simple, i was never attracted to guys....." she looked around us. once she spotted her she smiled. "i found myself attracted to girls, and girls just seem better." she said as if it were the simplist thing in the world.
and so it seemed. i met her when we were seven. and the first thing she told me was 'hi, i like girls'
at first i dint even pay attention to it, but as we grew her words made more sense. she was only attracted to girls, and of course i knew but when she came out of the closet, well people started giving us looks.
it took about a month to convince the school that we werent dating because i was straight. and it took another two months for people to finaly accept her sexuality.
i swear , sometimes people can be so close minded that it pisses me off. i see the way some pople stare at her. the looks they give her.... not nice
but ive always been there for her, and i always will.
"why?" she asked after my long silence. im not usualy this silent, its just that i have a lot on my mind.
i played it off as nothing though, i didnt want to tell anyone i was doubting my sexuality. i trust mary, its just im not even sure of it myself.
"i dont know, i was just curious." i said nonchalantly, playing it off as if it were nothing, even though its all i could thing about.
"hey, so did i tell you my cousin is moving to town" she said smiling.
i smiled. thats cool, new people, "really?! when?" i asked her with excitement. a new friend. yay.
she chuckled. "she gets here tomorow. then she starts school monday." she said in between bites of her subway.
"can you sleep over tomorow?" she asked me with pleading eyes.
"sure, i mean its friday anyways." i said kind of excited to meet mary's cousin. i hardly get to meet her family because they live far, and now i get to meet someone.
"what grade is she in?"
"twelve" cool, shes with us.
"whats she like?"
"i dont really know, i havnt seen her in a while."
great... what if she's mean.