~Dani~
I stood there in the middle of my dad's kitchen with my arms protectively wrapped around the waist of the brunette behind me, for no particular reason. For a split second, I worried that this was where everything went to shit. But I quickly realized that my dad had already made assumptions about Beca and I, and even though that had been before he knew she was my student, I was positive he wouldn't spill the information.
I was more concerned about the fact that a strange woman's lips had just been on top of his.
"I'm sorry," I said slowly, glaring at him. "What did you just say? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your fucking betrayal to mom."
My dad let out a labored sigh. "Okay.. okay.. let's just.. let's not do this in front of our company, please." He made an attempt at dropping the topic entirely, "It's.. uh.. good to see you again Beca."
She wedged herself farther in between my body and the stove, hiding the fact that she she wasn't wearing pants or a bra. "You too," she squeaked, clearly uncomfortable. "I'm going to go... change," she whispered.
I narrowed my eyes at dad, answering Beca. "I'll come with you."
She stumbled back towards the bedroom with me trailing not far behind her. I closed the door behind me, sitting down on the bed and exhaling. She sat down next to me, her hand landing on the inside of my exposed thigh. "What are you feeling right now?"
"Every negative emotion in the world."
"Yeah that'll certainly ruin a moment," she mumbled. "I... I get why you're upset, but don't you think that was a little harsh?"
I narrowed my eyes immediately, my head slowly turning towards hers. I pushed her hand off my skin. "Harsh? Are you fucking kidding me?"
Her face fell and she seemed regretful. "Now just hold on a minute, okay? Hear me out." She hesitantly reached for my hands, forcing me to look at her as she let one go and brushed a piece of hair out of my face. "You're entitled to feel whatever you want, Dani, and I'm positive your dad understands why you're not happy about this, but do you think it's fair of you to expect him to be alone for the rest of his life?"
"He's not alone," I muttered. "He has me."
Her features softened as she nodded. "Sure, and his two other children. And as much as he loves you, I don't think the happiness you guys can provide him is the same as the happiness he lost when your mom passed away."
"Well that's tough luck then," I said stubbornly.
She searched my eyes. "Do you want your dad to be happy?"
"If being happy means touching other women, then no, I don't think I do."
"Dani," she spoke gently, "I want you to try and see this from his point of view instead of yours. Can you do that for a minute?"
"Why are you defending him? I'm pretty sure I'm the one that had you practically screaming last night, and therefore, I should be the one you're backing up right now."
"As great as you are in bed, that doesn't change the fact that I can imagine what your dad is going through right now. I don't really have to do a whole lot of imagining, actually."
"Oh so you've lost your wife too."
She sighed. "No Dani, I have not. But I lost the closest friend that I've ever had, one that I desperately wanted to love like I'm sure your dad loved your mom."
I caught her eye immediately. "What?"
Beca exhaled slowly, closing her eyes. "Okay I definitely shouldn't have made this about me." She opened them, sighing. "That woman out there could never replace your mom Dani, but if she makes your dad happy, maybe you should give her a chance."
I looked down. "I don't want to give her a chance. I... I can't shake the voice in my head that says he's betraying my mom."
She chewed on her bottom lip, staring at me. "Okay let me ask you something then." She paused. "I know this is no where near the same thing, but if I were to die today, can you honestly tell me that you would live the rest of your life alone?"
My eyebrows furrowed. I was surprised by her question, but I didn't even have to think about the answer. "Yes, I can. I love you, I would never do that to you, and I've known you for less than a year. So what does that say about my dad?"
Her fingertips brushed over my open palm as she sighed. "But you wouldn't be doing anything to me, I would be gone and you would be the one that'd have to live with yourself every single day. Besides, I would want you to move on and learn to find happiness in someone else, and I have no doubt your mom would want that for your dad too."
Finally, her words seemed to break through to me. I sighed, allowing her touch to soothe me. "She would."
"Yeah?"
"Yes," I nodded, looking down. "It's just, it's only been three years. They were married for thirty seven."
"I know. I get that," she murmured softly. "And maybe your dad should've waited a little longer, but maybe he didn't get the chance, you know? Some things just happen." She nudged my side. "Some things are so hard to fight that you kind of just have to embrace them. You know what I mean?"
I chuckled, realizing she was hinting to our situation. "Yeah I think I do." I squeezed her hand, pulling her face to mine and pressing my lips to hers. "Thank you."
She simply smiled. I bit the inside of my cheek, looking into her eyes. "Now that we've solved that problem... could we maybe come back to what you said earlier?"
Her smile faltered. "Maybe another day, okay? Go talk to your dad."
I nodded, not wanting to push her. I squeezed her hand again and left the room, thinking to myself. Truthfully, I knew I was being a bit of a child about my dad's situation. He wasn't cheating on anyone because he was no longer married, but it still bothered me. A lot. Regardless, he was my dad and Beca was right. He deserved to be happy. The difference for me between having someone to hold at night, like Beca, and not having someone to hold was tremendous.
So I could understand why my dad was dating again.
I found him in the living room. "Where's your girlfriend?"
He looked up. "I asked her to go home."
I sat down next to him. "Why?"
He spat out a speech that I was sure he had prepared while I was talking to Beca. "Because I understand that her being around makes you uncomfortable. I know you think I've betrayed your mother, but hear me out okay? I loved your mom for a very, very long time and I'm sure I would've grown old with her if I'd had the chance, but she and I were having problems long before she passed away."
"Dad—"
"I'll never forget her but that doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life alone, does it? Dani, honey, I respect what you do with your life, body, and heart, all I ask is that you do the same for me. Caitlyn and I just happened and I realized I didn't want to stop what could be between us, and you more than anyone should know what that's like. I—"
"Dad," I said again, "You can stop."
He finally looked up, tilting his head. "I can stop?"
"I'm glad you're happy."
"What the hell did you do to my angry daughter?"
I let myself chuckle. "She's right here Dad. Seeing you with someone else so soon is difficult for me, but it's not my life and I don't want you to be miserable. Beca somehow helped me to realize that."
He raised his eyebrows, leaning back into the couch. "Damn, that girl does wonders." He put his hand over mine. "So we're okay?"
"We're fine," I answered. "You're just lucky I'm the one that you ran into today because if it had been David, he would have literally flipped shit."
"I know," he sighed. "Can you do me a favor and keep this our little secret for a while? Just until I figure out where things are going... David and Adrianna don't need to know."
"Okay and will your bribe be in cash or credit?"
He laughed and I smiled. "I'm serious, I'm running low."
He pulled a one-hundred out of his wallet and pushed it into my hand. I groaned. "Dad—"
"Oh just take it Dani, consider it an early birthday present." I rolled my eyes, taking it but reminding myself to leave it on the counter before Beca and I left. "Thanks."
We settled into a silence for a while before he sat up, suddenly catching my eye. "Is it true?"
"Is what true?"
I could sense his uneasiness, almost as if he thought I was going to flip out on him again. He spoke carefully, "You know.... Beca's situation... with.. Brian Harrison..."
My eyes snapped to his. "What the hell do you mean is it true? Do you think she would lie about something like that?"
"No of course not," he answered softly. "I just know that it's not entirely farfetched for a teen not getting enough attention to do something big.. like... well..."
"Dad..." I warned, "I think you should stop right there because if you thought I was mad when I saw you and Caitlyn together, just wait until you see how mad I would get at you for accusing her of something so ridiculously stupid."
"Dani, honey, I'm not accusing her of anything. I was just asking you a question. I want to know that you're testifying on the right side." He shook his head. "God I can't even imagine ever hurting you or Adrianna, or David for that matter. I don't understand how any sane person can intentionally beat a seventeen year old girl."
"Brian's not sane," I mumbled, "and she's eighteen."
He eyed me, taking my hand and letting his features soften. "I'm so, so sorry honey."
"Don't tell me that," I sighed, "I'm not the one he hurt."
"Not directly...." he trailed off. "But he hurt Beca and that has to hurt you."
"Every day," I murmured. "I don't think I'll ever be able to get the image of her bruises out of my head. I cannot explain to you how painful it is to know that someone you love, someone so fucking innocent and amazing and absolutely perfect has been hurt so much in so little time."
My heart was pounding but not in a good way. I felt my eyes glossing over as I remembered Beca hunched over on the pavement outside of the grocery store, blood soaking her clothes. My dad put an arm around me, pulling me into his side. "He'll get what he deserves. Should Jake lose this case, Brian'll find my ass beating down his front door for hurting my baby girl like this."
I sucked up my feelings, forcing them away as I found myself chuckling sadly. "Don't be ridiculous."
"I'm not. I'm sixty-five Dani, I'd spend the few years that I have left in prison any day if it means you and the girl you love are safe. I mean what the hell else have I got to do anyway?"
I laughed and smiled. "Could I have asked for a better dad?"
He chuckled. "No?"
"I would like to know how you don't have a problem with Beca and I though."
"What do you mean? Because you're her teacher? Because she's younger? I've always thought that law was stupid anyway, so long as you're both consenting."
"Who are you? This is coming from the man who locked me in my bedroom for four weeks for flirting with my swim coach."
He laughed. "I can give you so many reasons why that was a lot different than this. You were the seventeen year old, your swim coach was a man, he was twenty-eight, and it wouldn't have taken much for him to impregnate you. So yes, I had a big problem with that."
"Double standards Dad."
"Maybe," he quipped, "but there's also one huge difference between your situation then and your situation now. I punished you back then because what you were doing was stupid and I knew you had a shot at something real with Cole. But I know Beca is not the person you used to be and I can see how much you love her."
"Something real? Cole couldn't have been a bigger douchebag if he tried. He just wanted sex."
He narrowed his eyes. "You dated him for a year and a half."
"Well what do you want me to tell you? He was really good in bed."
He widened his eyes. "Daniella Juliet Parker! Please tell me you are not that shallow!"
"I'm kidding Dad. I mean he was, but I actually liked him then. He was funny and didn't completely lack intelligence. I'm just saying, looking back, he was a huge douchebag."
"Well," he exhaled, "then I'm glad you broke up with him and I'm glad you have much better taste now."
I rolled my eyes. "Happy to know that you approve of her."
He looked at me curiously. "Is she as serious as you are?"
His question brought me back about twenty minutes to when Beca and I had been pressed against each other and she did, in fact, look serious. She had wanted to tell me something, something that I'd been waiting to hear for a while now. "Well now that you mention it, I'm pretty sure she was in the middle of telling me that she loves me when you so rudely interrupted us."
"Oh I'm sorry, did I interrupt your morning in my beach house?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact you did."
"I'm pretty sure you're the one that interrupted my morning." He frowned. "Not to be rude or anything, but I had plans that did not involve you."
I gagged noticeably. "Jesus Christ Dad, gross."
He shoved my side. "Not those kind of plans!" He smirked then. "Well actually, those too."
"Do you hear that? I think Beca's calling me. I'll be back."
He placed a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, too soon, I get that. Listen you two are welcome to stay for as long as you want but I need the bedroom, okay? I spent the entire night driving and I'm exhausted."
I blushed, immediately standing up and stopping him. "U-uh sure, l-let me just.. change the sheets..."
He stared at me blankly before closing his eyes briefly and inhaling. "I'm going to pretend that I don't know what that means and take a nap in the hammock outside."
As soon as he'd left the room, I made my way towards the bedroom to find that Beca had disappeared. I searched the house, eventually finding her upstairs on the balcony. She was sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, sipping on her coffee as she watched the waves crash. Her long brown hair was blowing around her and at that moment, she looked so at peace with the world, like Brian and the rest of her worries had completely faded away.
There was a faint smile on her lips.
If I'd had my phone on me, I would've taken a picture. I usually found myself able to stare at her for hours on end but this was different. I wanted her to stay like she was right now forever, or at the very least, I wanted to capture the moment. The trial date was approaching quickly and I had a feeling that this worry-free, happy Beca wouldn't be around for a while.
I had to make the most of it now.
I sat down next to her, my hand immediately finding hers. Our fingers intertwined instinctively and I smiled slightly. No words were spoken. After a few moments, I felt her head on my shoulder.
We spent hours on that balcony.
I reveled in the warmth of her touch as I watched her simply enjoy life. I thought over and over again: perfection. That's what she was. Perfection.
At some point during that day, I found myself thinking about the question she had asked me earlier that morning. If anything were to happen to her, would I live the rest of my life alone? I had told her that the answer was yes. I whole-heartedly believed the answer was yes, and every second of that day helped me to realize that more.
I could never be happy with anyone other than her because she was perfect.
Perfection was irreplaceable.
So how could I ever replace her?
*****
May began to pass and I gradually saw the shift in Beca's attitude. The free-spirited girl I had seen that fateful day at my dad's beach house slowly faded away. It wasn't like it had been while she was in her group home; she wasn't bitter or hostile towards me. She wasn't empty. But she had worries again, worries that she couldn't ignore. Jake needed to prep her, as he needed to prep me, and that forced her to think about the impending trial.
Even so, she seemed happy. I woke up next to her every day and felt my heart pulse. Oddly enough, whatever she had been about to say before my dad interrupted us didn't seem to want to come out of her mouth now. It didn't bother me; I knew she had so much to think about and maybe what she had been about to say that day just wasn't on her mind now that Brian was inside of her head again.
That was okay.
Still, I found myself dreaming, against my will might I add, about her telling me that she loved me. She didn't know that, but it was why I woke up every morning smiling.
Before I knew it, Beca graduated. Her graduation was on the twenty sixth of May, five days before the trial. It was official. She wasn't a high school student anymore. She wasn't my student. We obviously couldn't go public but it was still nice to know that what we were doing wasn't a 'disgrace' anymore. Our relationship, which hadn't been defined because neither of us felt the need to define it, was no longer this terribly 'bad' thing.
That felt amazing.
I woke up two days before the trial with Beca in my arms. I was doing my best to keep her mood positive and her mind off of what could happen in the month to come. She still went to work during the day but we spent mornings and nights together. I brushed her hair to the side, placing my lips on her neck. She made a small sound but lied still, prompting me to continue to her shoulder. She stirred, the sound coming from her lips becoming more audible as she turned her head towards me, opening her eyes and smiling.
"Why don't you wake me up like that more often?"
"Because you need all the sleep you can get," I murmured. "Nine on the dot, just like you asked. Go shower."
She slid off the bed, grabbing a towel to get ready for work. "And what will you be doing with your day today, hm?"
I leaned back in my bed, picking up the book from my bedside table. "Enjoying my summer off."
"So nothing."
"I'm having drinks with Gavin later, so I might not be here when you get back."
She cringed, eyeing me as she headed towards the bathroom. "Gavin? Like, the Gavin you have sex with Gavin?"
"Had. Past tense."
"Oh okay, I'm sorry, had sex with for how long again? What, three years?"
I slid off the bed. "I really didn't think you'd have a problem with this."
"You figured I would be overjoyed with the fact that you want to have drinks with someone that you've slept with repeatedly?"
"I figured you would know that you have absolutely no reason to be jealous. I'm with you, Beca, you're the only one that I want. I promise you that. I'd like to spend some time with a friend, but if you really care that much, I won't go."
She ran a hand through her hair. "No... go.. it's fine. I'm not that overbearing, I just don't like the idea of you and him, you know, in the same room together, talking. Because you'll be talking and you'll laugh at something he says and somehow your hand will make it to his thigh and he'll touch your face and then you'll kiss, and then you'll fall in love and—"
"Beca, woah, woah, nobody is falling in love with anybody. We're just getting drinks. There will be no touching."
She looked up, smirking. "There better not be because the person you're currently sleeping with might have something to say about it."
I smiled, pulling her into me and letting my hands settle on her lower back. "I would hope that she does, to be honest with you. Speaking of, when can I look forward to a repeat of graduation night?"
Her eyes twinkled. "I'll tell you what, you get out of drinks with Gavin early and I might just be here waiting for you, and I might not be wearing anything."
I grinned. "Consider it a done deal." I nodded my head towards the bathroom, giving her a push. "Go get ready for work."
She smiled at me, stumbling into the bathroom. I made my way towards the kitchen, making both of us coffee. I knew that things were about to get a little shaky, with the trial and all only two days away, but right now everything seemed perfect. I was so, so happy. It was weird to think about the fact that just a few months prior, I was really struggling to find a reason to a smile. I doubted Beca even understood how much she had helped me out of the place I was in. All I could ever think about was that I didn't have my mom anymore, that I was the reason none of us had our mom anymore.
I still struggled with the guilt, but it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with while Beca was around.
The doorbell rang then, shaking me out of my thoughts. I set my mug down and opened the door to find Adrianna on the other side. She stormed into my apartment, not uttering a single word as she threw something down on my counter. I closed the door, tentatively walking over to her. "Skipping the pleasantries are we? Where's Izzy?"
"With her grandmother," she answered tersely.
"What the hell's up your ass?" I questioned, reaching the counter. I looked down, finding small white squares scattered across the surface. I flipped one over.
It was a photo of Beca outside my apartment, her bag slung over her shoulder.
My brow creased as I flipped another one over.
Beca in the school parking lot, walking next to me towards my car.
I flipped another one over.
Beca was stocking the shelves, laughing at something that I said. I was standing next to her, our hands brushing as I helped her finish.
I started shaking my head as I flipped photo after photo over. Someway, somehow, every photo was of Beca and I together. None of them were enough to prove anything, that was, until I made it to the pictures on the right side of my counter.
Me kneeling in front of Beca at the graveyard, brushing the tear from her face.
Her settling into my front, holding my hand.
Beca and I sitting next to each other on the front step of Brian's house.
Me picking her up from her group home.
I felt my heart pounding. Adrianna seemed to drift away as I picked up one of the latest photos.
Me pecking her cheek.
My hand below her ass as I pushed her into the passenger seat.
Us on the beach, my arm wrapped around her body.
My lips pressed to hers, her arms wrapped around my neck.
Her hand in mine as she dragged me towards the house.
I flipped over the next photo. It was taken through the window. Beca had me pressed against the door. My hands were grasping her hips.
I looked at the next, and the next, and the next. Us pulling our shoes off, me shedding my jacket. The last few pictures were of her pulling her shirt off, meshing our lips together.
Then we disappeared into the bedroom.
I felt nauseous. I braced my arms against the counter, shaking my head. "I... I d-don't understand..."
Adrianna exhaled and spoke, "These were in an envelope on our front step." She handed me a piece of paper.
Dear Mr. Bryant,
I certainly hope you care a lot more about your sister in law's safety than about her testimony in court on the first. It would be a terrible tragedy if these pictures were to make their way into the wrong hands.
~Yours truly~
I shook my head. "I.... how..." I finally found my voice, the anger in it prominent. "What kind of fucking game is this? Is this Brian? His attorney? Who the fuck has the time to stalk Beca and I for months just to make sure I don't testify in court...."
Adrianna's fists tightened. "Brian's attorney does not play by the rules, Dani. He doesn't lose cases and he doesn't care what it takes to make sure of that. The guy is too damn busy to do this himself, my guess is he hired someone to follow you two around."
I shook my head, picking up one of the photos. "Well... so what... I mean, Beca turned eighteen in March and I don't give a shit about losing my job."
She eyed me fiercely. "You're telling me all of these pictures were taken after she turned eighteen?"
I bit my cheek, picking up the ones of us at her parents' graveyard and eyeing them. "Not all of them... but... they can't prove when these were taken.. I mean..."
"Dani..." Adrianna said slowly, "I need you to take a moment and fully process the information presented in front of you. There are hundreds of pictures on the counter that prove you and Beca are involved. I'm certain Brian's attorney has copies. Let's run through your invalid point for a moment, that they can't prove when these were taken. Let's say they bring Beca to the stand, they question her, they ask her when it was that the both of you were at a cemetery together. Knowing she cannot lie under oath, she tells them, I don't know, March second. The next thing you know, you're behind bars."
I shook my head, lowering myself onto the stool in front of me. "Adrianna, if I don't testify, all Jake has is Beca's testimony and a few others based on what Beca told them. We'll lose the case for sure... you can't put a respected businessman up against a teenage girl that people think wants attention and expect to win..."
"I don't know what to tell you Dani."
"Where's Jake?"
"Where do you think he is?" she answered. "He's in his office trying to build a new case off of the little that he has. Fucking assholes, send him this shit two days before the trial..."
I was about to speak, but what I had been about to say never made it out of my mouth. Beca came out of my bedroom saying, "So this coming home early thing, how early are we talking because—" She looked up, realizing Adrianna was standing in front of me. "Oh, hey."
I looked at my sister, knowing she could sense that Beca wasn't as glum as she had been the last time she'd seen her. "Hey..." she trailed off, turning around and muttering, "Fuck."
Beca eyed me, sensing my worry. I sighed as she asked, "Are you alright?"
I didn't get the chance to answer before her eyes connected with the photos on the counter. She picked one after another up, her shoulders slumping. She turned to me, holding up the picture of us in my dad's kitchen. She just shook her head, not needing to say anything.
I said nothing either and merely handed her the note that Adrianna had handed me. Her eyes scanned over it quickly, and before I knew it, she was laughing. But it wasn't the laugh that I loved listening to, it was heart breaking. It was pained. By the time her voice had started to die, her laugh had turned into a sort of sob that made my heart want to shrivel up and die. She slammed the note down on the counter, nodding as her bottom lip trembled. "As if he hasn't ruined my life enough already, Brian thinks he's going to fucking threaten you?"
She started shaking her head. "No.. just... no!"
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her towards me. "Hey, listen to me..." I swallowed my anxiety. "Do not give Brian the satisfaction of letting this strip away your hope. I don't know what's going to happen, but we'll figure it out, okay?"
"You're too damn optimistic Dani," she said, shaking her head and lifting up a photo. "Will you fucking look at this? How can you not be freaking out? Terrible fucking people have pictures of you doing something very, very illegal! Wake up!"
I gripped her arms tightly. "Beca, please calm down. I am freaking out, trust me, but it doesn't do anyone any good to do what you're doing."
She looked at Adrianna, pulling away from me. "Please, please tell me you have enough sense to realize that this is a big deal."
"I do Beca," she answered, running a hand through her hair. "There's no way in hell I'm going to let Dani testify."
"You're not the fucking boss of me," I said, standing up. "So don't try to be."
"I have to call out of work," Beca sighed, "I'll be right back."
I grabbed her arm, stopping her. "No, go to work. Look I'm going to try to sort all this out with Adrianna, but there isn't really anything you can do to help by staying home."
Adrianna chimed in. "She's right Beca, go to work. Try not to worry too much, okay? Jake is a great prosecutor and he will find a way to win this case without Dani's testimony."
Beca looked conflicted but after a while, she picked up her bag and headed towards the door. When she'd gone, I turned to Adrianna. "How do we know that Brian's attorney won't release these photos anyway? If I'm going to prison, the least I can do beforehand is make sure Brian follows me there."
Adrianna shook her head. "Look Dani, you've got to trust me. I know this guy, okay? The only thing he cares about is winning his cases. You let him do that and he'll leave you be."
"Great, so I walk away scott-free and so does Brian? Fuck that Adrianna, he deserves to be put in prison. If he walks, Beca will never feel safe. Do you get that? She'll have to live the rest of her life without restitution, and she'll know that I could've changed that and I didn't."
"If you honestly think that girl that just walked out of here is going to blame you for keeping yourself out of prison, you really have lost your mind."
"I'm not saying that Adrianna, I'm just saying, I know what's going to happen to her if we lose this case. Brian'll get into her head again and I don't know if she'll ever be okay. I cannot let that happen."
Adrianna walked around the island, sitting down next to me and taking my hands in hers. "Listen to me Dani, I know you love her, I can see it in your eyes and I think it's amazing that you've found someone that makes you happy, but you cannot give up your life for Brian. Look, even if you testify, there's still a really good chance that we don't win. But I can guarantee you that if you get up on that stand, these photos will get leaked and there is more than enough here to put you away for a very long time."
I shook my head. "I hear you, and I get what you're saying but you don't get what I'm saying.
"I do. I get it Dani. You need to protect her, I know, but you cannot do that while rotting in jail!"
"You make a good point," I responded.
"So you get that you can't testify?"
"Yes," I answered, "but I'm going to anyway."
"No, you're not! You're not thinking straight Dani. Jake is going to do his god damn best to win without you, okay? Beca will be okay. You will be okay. Brian will be punished."
I shook my head. "I don't believe that."
"Well you've got to! I'm not going let my baby sister go to jail for following her heart! Do you hear me Dani? I'm not going to let that happen. You, are, not, testifying!"
Beca deserved to be happy, and I knew that she never would be if Brian didn't get what he deserved for hurting her.
So I met Adrianna's eyes and challenged her.
"Watch me."
*****
I apologize in advance for how long this next chapter is probably going to take me. Hopefully this relatively long/fast update makes up for it. Leave me your thoughts in the comments! <3