I Dunno Know
I stood in front of the teen counselling office the next morning, fully aware that help was on the on the other side of the door. My shoulders sagged as I came to the conclusion that I am to cowardly to knock on the door. I turned on my heels and walked halfway down the hallway, then stopped. I really needed the help, I really needed someone to speak to. Maybe it will be easy.
I turned around and walked to the door again. Slowly, I raised my fist, then quickly dropped to my side again. No, it wasn’t going to be easy. I couldn’t even make it past the door. How could I possibly pour my heart and soul into the open hands of a stranger, as if I had known this person my whole life? I couldn’t, it was impossible, implausible and unrealistic. People don’t just get better, it’s not like in movies. If I went in there the counsellor would just point me in the direction of someone with a degree to hand out drugs like candy. I didn’t want that, I wanted real help.
I stood like a statue, my fist balled at my sides and my teeth clenched. All I could do is go home, act like nothing ever happened and pray I could fix myself. I turned around slower this time, and stood each step carefully, as if something or someone was going to tap my shoulder and offer help. Instead, I heard a voice. I echoed through the hallway and sent shivers down my spine.
“I could see you,” it said. I had my back turned to the speaker, but couldn’t find the courage to turn around. “It’s okay, do you need someone to talk to?”
“I- I dunno know,” I managed to turn around and face the counsellor. She stood at the end of the hallway, her eyes staring into mine in a sympathetic manner.
“How about you come in and sit down,” she suggested. I nodded and walked down the empty hallway, listening to my own feet hit the floor. She opened the door to a open, brightly lit office and gestured to a chair across from a large, metal desk. I sat stiff in the wooden chair and ground my teeth together, thinking how absolutely stupid I was for doing this. The women sat at the desk across from me and gave me a warm smile. My mind raced to where this one-hour with the counsellor would lead me. I wondered if she would just laugh and send me way, think I was just another attention seeking teen girl.
"What's your name?" the counsellor asked.
"Sam," I sputtered.
"Well Sam, you can call me Lindy.” Now, what do you have one your mind?"
"Do I have to pay for this?" I asked, suddenly concerned about money.
Lindy gave a low chuckle, "Walk-in minors are free, but if you decide to set up an appointment then yes you do have to pay."
"Oh," I sighed. I felt stupid and just wanted to go home; I had work in two hours and still needed a shower.
"What is it you wanted to talk about? If you came here you obviously needed to talk to someone."
I let out a breath I didn’t realize was being held. "It started when I was very little, at the age of four. My parents both passed in a car accident. After that, I could breath right, there was the consent sadness to me, but I dealt with it."
"Well, Sam, if you dealt with it, then why are you here?"
"Because, I never really dealt with it, I just pushed it away. Now it's back, not as worse, but I can feel it escalating."
Lindy leaned forward in her chair and put her elbows on her desk, "Have you told anyone else this?"
"My cousin, Blair, almost found out, but we got into a car accident. She lost the memory of what happened before the crash."
The rest of the hour went by and I filled the holes in my story. I started after my parent's death, a week after the funeral.
Flashback.
I stood outside the door, a strange woman stood with her hand on my shoulder. She punched the doorbell with her finger and waited. I could hear my father's sister open the door. She smiled, but I could see the last tear that fell from her eyes.
“Hi Aunt Jane,” I whispered.
“Hello Sammy. How are you?” she raised the pitch of her voice as she crutched to my eye level.
I looked over to the woman that was with me, and then back to my Aunt, “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Hun,” she pulled me into a gentle hug and kissed my brown hair. Once she pulled away, she ushered me into the house and started speaking to the woman.
“It’s settled then? She stays here?” Aunt Jane asked. She played with her wedding ring as she spoke.
“Yes, your family seemed to be the best choice,” the women nodded before saying goodbye and walking back to her car.
“Uncle Jim!” I shrieked as when I saw him turn the corner into the living room. My face fell when I saw him, his eyes drooped and his mouth was pressed into a thin line.
“Hey, Sam,” he croaked as he bent down to welcome me with a hug. “How you been?”
I didn’t say anything, because even at the age of four I knew nothing could be said. Uncle Jim clearly saw that in my face and pulled me into a comforting hug.
Seven-year-old Blair helped me unpack my things into the room that would one day become Jack’s bedroom.
Four year later Jack was born, I was eight at the time and found a baby to be the best possible thing, and I was right. Jack made everything easier because I knew that everyday I could come home to at least one smiling face.
A year later Uncle Jim left, and with him he took all the respect I had for him. I watched Blair crumble that year, at the young age of twelve she crashed. I would hear her cry in her sleep, but would be too heartbroken to comfort her.
Christmas, the year after Jim left, had to be the best we ever had. We tried to teach Jack to walk, but he wouldn’t move until I stole one of his toys. He chased me around the Christmas tree with the help of my aunt. Blair also laughed that night at supper when Grandma came down, that was the first time I heard her really laugh for what seemed like forever.
After that Christmas, things got better emotionally, but financially everything wavered. Aunt Jane worked two jobs and got money from Jim every month, but it never seemed to be enough. We are just barely scrapping by.
End of Flashback/ character monologue
I wiped the tears off my face, kept my head low and waited for any response from Lindy. One I looked up, her eyes were focused on me, studying me as if I was an infected lab rat.
“What?” I mumbled.
“Just trying to figure out why you broke now. After all those years, why now?” her voice faded out like an echo.
“Because I have no one to stay strong for anymore.”
***
I came home the counsellors office feeling a bit better and with an appointment set up for in the new year. Lindy told me the I should work on being more positive and thinking more highly about myself, I simple snorted at her and said that was almost impossible.
"Sammy?" Aunt Jane called from her room. I dropped my purse on the couch and walked over to her room.
"Yeah?" I leaned against the doorway and peered down on my aunt, who was wrapped in her bed sheets.
"Do you work today?" she grumbled into her pillow.
"Yup."
"Damn," she sighed and sat up. "Is Blair home yet?"
"I dunno, she should be."
"Get her for me, please," her flopped back onto her bed and groaned. The house was eerily quiet, just the sound of my footsteps echoed through the hallway as I walked toward my bedroom.
"Blair?" I poked my head into the room to see her lying on her bed with her broken leg propped up.
"Yes?" she hissed.
"Your mom needs you."
Blair grumbled something before pulling her leg off the support; I rushed to put my arm around her waist to help lift her off the bed.
"I can do it," she snapped, but she didn't push me off her. Instead, she put most her weight on my arms and reached from her crutches.
"She's in her room," I announced.
"Thanks."
After she had disappeared around the corner, I rushed for the bathroom. I hoped to take a quick shower and eat supper before work started.
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It's REALLY LATE! I am sorry. Oops. I am writing like rapid fire and I keep forgetting to upload!