Millie
I woke up with a throbbing headache and dried tears on my cheeks. I must've cried in my sleep, because I haven't cried when I was awake. That's how fucked up I am, crying in my fucking sleep.
Today was Monday, but my alarm didn't woke me up which meant that it was way before I had to get up. I looked for my phone, but couldn't find it, so I got up and looked in my pocket in my jeans and found it there. The watch read 5.32am, so I had half an hour more time than usually. I was feeling like complete shit and my motivation for college were zero, but I had to go.
I quickly made myself a coffee and drank it alone, sitting on my kitchen counter and thinking about what happened. I knew I had to keep Harry at distance, because he really hurt me yesterday. Maybe it wasn't his intention, but he still did it. And it's been too much for me yesterday. So many emotions were brought up, I just didn't knew how to cope with them all. So I thought keeping my distance would be a good idea.
After I drank my coffee, I took a quick shower and dressed myself in a black skinny jeans and a hoodie, packing my stuff for college and leaving at 7.30am, my first class started at 8am. I walked out of my apartment and took the stairs down, hoping I would not meet Harry until classes, so a conversation could be avoided.
I left the house and walked along the busy street, everyone in their ways to work or college, too. I lit myself a cigarette and slowly inhaled the smoke, just to exhale it right after.
"Mrs., what are you doing?" I looked next to me, to see a little boy standing there and watching me closely.
"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to sound nice.
"That thing in your hand? It smells pretty bad." He furrowed his eyebrows. "Is this even healthy?" He asked, sounding worried. I smiled lazily. "No, it's actually not healthy at all and if you are smarter then me, you will never ever start okay?" I answered him, going on my knees to be on eye level with him.
"But why are you doing it then?" He didn't wanted to give up the subject, which made me smile, he was so innocent. "I'm doing it, because sometimes I'm not smart at all. But if you promise me to never start, I promise you to quit okay?" I offered him and he smiled instantly and nodded. "Okay, but you have to pinky promise me!" He almost yelled in excitement and I laughed. "Alright," I threw the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, then I hold out my pinky finger, "I, Millie, do promise to quit smoking, if you.." I looked at him. "I'm Dustin." he smiled. "Okay, if you, Dustin, promise me, to never start." I lifted my eyebrows and he connected our fingers. "Pinky promise, Millie." he smiled, "Pinky promise." I answered.
I kissed his cheek, "now go to school little boy, learn something." I tried to sound stern but he just laughed, wiped his cheek and hugged me tightly. "Bye Millie, I hope I will see you again." and with that he walked in the other direction and left.
"Me too, little boy." I yelled and he waved me goodbye.
I still smiled stupidly to myself, that innocent little boy just made my day a lot better. I didn't knew if I could keep my promise, but he didn't need to know about that, did he?
"That was cute." someone behind me said with a raspy, sexy morning voice and I instantly walked away, already knowing who he was.
"Millie, wait." Harry said and I heard his footsteps getting faster, as he was trying to keep up with me.
"Get lost." I told him honestly and walked faster. "Let me explain." He pleaded and that's when I turned around and he was crashing into me, not expecting that I'd turn around.
"Fuck no," I spoke through gritted teeth, "you don't need to explain anything. You and I are not in a relationship, you can fuck who you want and so can I. I can do what I want and don't have to care about you. So there is no need to explain anything to me." I fake smiled and turned around.
"But you are hurt." he said and that's when tears started forming in my eyes.
"No, I'm not hurt about what you did Harry. Do not think that your actions are the cause for my emotionality. I'm hurt about a lot of things, but you are not on the list." I said, still having my back turned to him. To be honest, I just lied, but my feelings were not Harry's business.
I started walking again, without Harry following me this time and made my way to college. The tears were gone, just one escaped my eye and streamed down my cheek but I wiped it away when I was out of Harry's eyesight.
After I finally reached college and made my way to class, I seated myself in the far back, taking out my pen and notebook, waiting for the Professor.
Everyone had their laptops with them, but I just preferred the good old notebook, because I would never actually do something for school on my laptop.
After a few minutes I felt someone's presence next to me and if it wasn't for the scent I already knew, I would've probably looked who was sitting next to me.
I ignored his presence and started writing the date in the right corner.
"What is that?" Harry asked and reached for my notebook. I cought a glimpse of the poem I wrote yesterday and slapped his hand away. "Not your business." I shot, still avoiding his gaze.
"Millie, c'mon." he said quietly, "don't be mad. Let's start again." he whispered but I ignored him.
It was enough for today and the fucking emotions. It wasn't even 9am and I laughed, cried and felt hurt.
England was indeed doing some things with me.
"Good moooorning, class." Mr, Cromwell started the class. "I hope everyone's having their essays with them?" he asked and everyone but me nodded.
"Amazing, please place them on my table after classes end. I want to start a new topic about friendship. What does it mean to you? How do you feel about your friends?" he asked and everyone listened.
"My girl friends are getting me hard." some dick shouted a few rows underneath mine and everyone laughed.
"Nice one, Mr. Hills, but that's something you should worry about." he winked and the guys cheeks turned red in embarrassment.
"Discuss, please. Mrs. Shields, what do you think about friendship?" he asked and a chubby girl in the front row looked up and hesitated for a second, answered then.
"Friendship is something wonderful. They are the family you can pick. People who lift you up and believe in you, people who are there when no one else is and I wish that my friends will be forever by my side." she said and I rolled my eyes. She was just as innocent as the little boy.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Harry's hand shooting up and Mr. Cromwell picked him.
"I think friendship is temporary. You will always have friends of course, well, most of us. But it's so rare having a friend from the beginning of your life until the end. Most people just walk a certain path with you, help you for a period of time, but leave when it's the time. Everyone who crosses our ways, is meant to be there. We don't meet for coincidence, we meet because we have to. Sometimes it's a relationship and sometimes it a toxic friend, who needs to teach you a life lesson." Harry said but Mr. Cromwell stopped him. "What are toxic friends, Mr. Styles." he asked, challenging Harry. But before he could answer, I raised my hand. "Yes, Mrs. Hasting?" he picked me and I cleared my throat.
"Toxic friends, are friends who are not who they play they are. They are there to get to know you, so you think they are friends. They want to know everything about you and you tell them, you open up. So after you opened up and showed them your emotions, they fucking screw you. They use your weaknesses against you and destroy you." I quit my speech and Mr. Cromwell nodded. "So you think trusting is bad?" he asked and I nodded.
"Yes, I never trusted without consequences." I answered confidently.
"That's because you are judging everyone without knowing them. Sometimes there comes pain with friendship and sometimes you get hurt, but everyone deserves a second chance and you need to start to actually let people in sometimes. Life is a pain in the ass anyway, so why not making it worth while being alive?" Harry said, the whole class was quiet and listened to our conversation, knowing that was something personal.
"Well, sometimes people need to know someone's history before judging them for having trust issues. Sometimes people need to know their limits and borders, before assuming things, they do not have a clue about. And sometimes, people gave so many second chances, that they won't try anymore." I said hurtful.
"Maybe, but if someone's living their life so closed up and arrogant, they miss the perfect chance when there is one. They're missing the chance of a good friendship or relationship, because they are telling themselves that they are so miserable and fucked up, just because they want to be." He was getting frustrated, but before I could answer, he shot up, packed his laptop and pen and ran the stairs down, out of the classroom.
I looked around, after he slammed the door and saw that everyone's eyes were on me. Most of them with shocked expressions and wide eyes. Mr. Cromwell was shocked as well, "this.. seems like something.. uhm.. personal? If you want to follow him, you are dismissed." He informed me and I nodded, still shocked about the event.
What the fuck just happened?
I grabbed my notebook and my pen, threw it in my bag and ran down the stairs, smiling at Mr. Cromwell politely and left the classroom.
I saw Harry's silhouette disappearing around the corner and followed him madly, coming to my senses again.
"Harry!" I shouted and he stood still, turning around. His skin was reddened and his hair ruffled up, he seemed frustrated.
"What the fuck was that?" I asked furiously and he shot me an confused look, he probably thought I'd come to apologise.
"This was not about me or you, why'd you have to make it about a lesson 'welcome to Millie's fucking life'? You had no right to tell the whole class about any of those things you just mentioned. You threw those informations in their faces, when you did not have my permission." I yelled and he just watched me throwing a tantrum.
"Finished?" he asked coldly.
"Yes.. what? Fuck no, I haven't even started." I pushed him, but it had no effect on him.
"You want me to trust you, but how could I after what you just did?" I asked, pulling my hair in frustration.
"You didn't even give me the chance to fucking make you trust me? You lied to me and then expected me to be there when you needed it. I'm not your dog, I will not wait for you to come back and pat my head. I want you to open up and fucking trust me." He shouted, "I wanted to be there for you, but you make things so hard for us." He threw his hand up in frustration and waited for my answer.
"You don't know anything about me, you judge my lack to trust, but don't know why I am the way I am. You judge me so easily, because you don't have my problems. Yet, you stand here and tell me how judging I am." I kneeled down, my hands in my hair, still pulling on them harshly.
"That's because you fucking lied to me. That's why I left and I wanted to apologise but you won't listen. Just fucking tell me that I hurt you, it's not that hard and we could be friends again and all this shit, but you are too stubborn to admit that I hurt your feelings. Why'd you come down in the first place? To fucking lie again? To fucking throw my mistake right into my face?" He screamed down at me and I got back up, my gaze filled with hatred.
"YES," I yelled, "YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD HURT ME IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE." Tears were now streaming down my face and I hesitantly wiped them away, "YOU LEFT ME WHEN I WAS CRYING AND IN PIECES. YOU LEFT WITHOUT KNOWING WHY I LIED AND AFTER I WANTED TO COME DOWN, TO FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO YOU HARRY, AND WANTED TO ASK IF WE COULD TRY TO MAKE THIS SHIT WORK, YOU ALREADY HAD ANOTHER ONE IN YOUR BED." I was a mess right now, Harry's eyes softened and he opened his mouth. "NO! I wanted to apologise, I wanted to ask you, if you think we could make this work. For once I wanted to open up, Harry. I really did." I sobbed uncontrollably between my words, "but you proved me, that you didn't want to make this work, because you fucked the next girl an hour after. I wanted to make the first step, I wanted to fight and I wanted to try, but it's so hard for me." My last words were almost unhearable, I didn't even knew if he heard them.
Then I turned around and walked away, Harry not following me, probably too shocked.
The hallways were empty and I left the building, storming along the streets and getting home as fast as possible.
After ten minutes I arrived at home, throwing my bag in a corner and pacing through my apartment, my anger still there.
Without thinking, I grabbed a vase and smashed it on the ground, the vase splitting in hundred little pieces, resting now on the floor. Then I grabbed a ugly picture from
the person who lived here before me and forgot it and threw it against a wall, the glass breaking and leaving a mess on the floor, but I still kicked it a few times.
After that, I walked into my bedroom and changed into more comfortable clothes.
I needed someone to distract me, before I would destroy more stuff.
It was only 9am, but I still tried to call Gina, she was the only one I knew here.
I dialed her number and after a few rangs, I heard her sleepy voice greeting me.
"This better be important.." she quietly with a morning voice.
"Gina, come over please." I pleaded and she groaned, "Fuck, when? Now? it's like 4am Millie." She cursed but I couldn't care less.
"Please, it's like 9am Gina! And I need distraction before I'll destroy my apartment." I grunted.
"Fuck, alright you live in Harry's house, don't you?" she asked and I confirmed. "Alright, I'll be there in thirty." and then she hung up and I threw myself on my bed, hiding my face in the mattress, screaming into it until my throat hurt. Not even then I stopped.
After a few minutes and a dry throat, I stood up and walked into my kitchen, getting me a glass of water. I drank it in one shot and placed the glass in the sink. Then I walked in the bathroom, looking at myself, just to see that my eyes were red and puffy and my mascara and eyeliner were smudged and all over my face. I huffed and washed my face with water and soap, washing my make up and my frustration off. After that I walked in my living room and plumped into my couch, just to get up two seconds later, because my door bell rang.
I opened the door and Gina stood in front of me, smiling, holding a little bag next to her head with green content.
"I heard someone's had a rough daaaay." she sang and entered my apartment without letting me greet her.
"Hello to you too." I grumbled and she laughed, "lighten up for fuck's sake. We gonna lift your mood now." She winked and pulled some things out of her bag.
"Only the best weed here, it's good, I swear." she defended herself and I actually had to chuckle. "Let's do this then." I cheered and she started rolling the joint, taking a few minutes and held it proudly in the air. "Perfection." She smiled and I took it from her and walked to the balcony. She followed me right after, "Hey, the one who made it lights it." She laughed and I rolled my eyes and lit it either way. "I need the distraction." I spoke with the smoke in my lungs. I exhaled and leaned back in my chair. I did that a few times and passed Gina the Joint. I suddenly started to giggle and she looked at me half smiling and half confused. "Told you it was good, but why are you laughing?" she asked and I started chuckling again.
"Gina the Joint. That's a pretty funny nickname, isn't it?" I asked and she just shook her head. "Shut up, will you?" she laughed and took two drags and passed it to me again.
"Whatever, it's funny to me." I mumbled, already feeling the effects of the drug, but welcoming it with open arms. I loved getting stoned, haven't had a joint for a few months now. I felt good, I felt light and happy. A stupid smile was plastered on my face and I couldn't get rid of it.
"You know, sometimes I think that I should just go to the airport and book a flight somewhere, where I don't know." Gina said playfully. "You know what I mean?" She asked and I nodded while taking another drag. "Yes, but I think it's kinda stupid, because what if I pack clothes for a warm weather and then I'm in Atlanis?" I asked worriedly and Gina started laughing very hard, a hand placed over her mouth and with the other one slapping her thighs. "Please," she tried to stop laughing, "if you're ever going to Atlantis, take me with you." a tear was streaming down her face and I didn't knew why, but I had to laugh along with her. "What's wrong?" I asked, still laughing quietly. "Millie, are yo talking about the Antarctic?" she asked, I could barely understand her through laughter.
"Oh my god." I realised and stood up, placing my hands on my knees and laughing uncontrollably, barely breathing and the lack of oxygen hurting my stomach. "That was so stupid." I couldn't get over my mistake, even though it wasn't even that funny, it was the funniest thing that happened right now to me.
"Okay, serious problem." Gina said after putting the joint in the ashtray, because we finished it. "Do you have any food?" She looked at me with big eyes. "Shit, no. Nothing eatable. I'm hungry as fuck right now.. let's order Chinese or pizza?" I asked and she instantly nodded and pulled out her phone. She dialed a number and held the big iPhone on her not so big head. "Heyyyyy, I want to order two fucking large pizzas. Yes.... no, just cheese but like extra cheese. Make it extra extra cheese. Yes, I'm dead serious. Please be fast I'm hungry." I watched her every move, it was so amazing the way she ordered people around, she was so confident. "What? Take a photo." she laughed and threw something against my head. "Owtsch." I whined and she shot up, "stop complaining, come oooooon lets watch something funny." She excitedly danced inside my apartment.
We sat down on my couch and flicked the TV on, leaving some show where they showed some guy doing pranks to others and laughing about the most stupid things, like there was no tomorrow. And I enjoyed it so much, forgetting about everything for a while. Just relaxing and being with Gina, made me a lot happier and forgot about my problems.
After what seemed like hours the door bell finally rang and Gina and I instantly got up and ran to the door, me shoving her because she was in my way, laughing at each other about how uncoordinated we were.
I opened the door fastly and the smile on my face faded as soon as I saw that it wasn't the pizza guy with our boxes of happiness, but Harry with no boxes and no happiness.
"Millie.."
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I'm updating way more often because I've got so many things planned out for this story and it's so fun writing right now.
aaaaaaand my chapters are getting longer and longer.
please leave me a like and comment, it would mean so so much to me.
loads of love guysssss xxx