"Marry me," He said it so softly, so softly that I almost missed it.
But I didn't miss it. It echoed in my ears.
I turned to look at him. My eyes were big as saucers as I stared back at him. He looked confident, like he'd been planning it for a while. But there's no way that could be. We'd barely been living together for 2 months. We'd only just said we loved each other a few short weeks ago.
I shook my head,
"You're serious...."
He nodded, his fingers running up and down my arm,
"Deadly."
I pulled my arm away from his grasp, shaking my head in disbelief as I tied the robe back together. I looked back at him and then turned to walk out of the bathroom. My mind was darting between incredulity at his suggestion and questions for why he would suggest such a thing.
He followed me into the bedroom,
"Em-"
I whirled around,
"Why would you ask me that?" I asked, "On our last night together...before you leave for 5 weeks?"
He seemed to be thrown off by that question, but smiled anyway,
"Because I wanted to ask you. I've wanted to ask you for a long time."
I folded my arms over my chest,
"A long time? We only just...I mean we weren't even...6 months ago we couldn't have been further apart."
He blinked a few times,
"Things were different 6 months ago. Neither of us knew what was happening."
"And you think we know what's happening now?"
"I think we know we're in love. And that we're always gonna be together..." He narrowed his eyes as he studied me closely, "At least I know that."
I shot him a look, shaking my head,
"Don't do that. Don't make it seem like I'm less committed to you because this is a crazy idea."
"Why is this a crazy idea?"
I threw my hands out as my anxiety levels raised,
"Because we just moved in together 2 months ago....we only said we loved each other-"
"You told me you loved me 3 weeks ago. It was a Friday night. You were wearing my Rolling Stones t-shirt when you said it," He said firmly.
I stared back at him. He was trying to prove something to me but it only served to irritate me more,
"Harry-"
He shook his head,
"This may all seem very quick to you....but I've been in love with you since I was 17 years old. I've been waiting for this very moment for almost 5 years."
I felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. Like the room was growing smaller and smaller with each passing moment,
"Can we not do this tonight? Please? I just wanna-"
"I asked you to marry me, Em," He interrupted.
I looked back at him, setting my chin in defiance,
"And I asked you why you asked me that."
He let out a frustrated sigh,
"Because then we can't be kept apart. People will have to accept that you're a part of my life and I'm a part of yours and that's the end-"
"So you want to marry me to keep other people quiet?" I interrupted, "That's a fabulous reason to get married." I shot back, sarcasm dripping off of every word.
He stared back at me and I watched as irritation began to register on his face,
"Don't you wanna marry me?" He asked.
I thought for a moment. Did I? I hadn't thought about it. So much had happened lately, we were just calming down. I felt like we were finally getting to a spot where we weren't dealing with some kind of crisis threatening to come between us. My shoulders slumped,
"I don't know," I finally whispered.
He stared back at me. I could tell I'd wounded him. He'd always been so sure about us and where we were headed. I wish I had that kind of assurance. But things just didn't work out like that for me. My life had been a series of disappointments. The only bright spots being Lucy, Niall and Harry.
I watched as he let it sink in. I watched as he physically reacted from the pain. I was a horrible person for doing this to him. He loved me, he loved our daughter. We were always his first priority no matter what. Who wouldn't want to marry a man that devoted to them?
It was then that I realized I would never escape the self-doubt where he was concerned. I would always consider myself unworthy of him. I didn't want to trap him into marriage when I wasn't sure I could give him all the things he'd given me.
The room was silent. Neither of us said a word or moved. I couldn't imagine he wasn't having some realizations of his own. Like how getting into this with me was a huge mistake.
Loving someone from afar was a lot different than loving them up close. And I was sure he was deciding all the different ways he'd been mistaken when he made that final decision to fall for me.
I walked towards him, reaching out to put my hand on his shoulder,
"I'm sor-"
He moved away from me, a move that seemingly also shocked him. He cleared his throat and gestured to the bed,
"Let's just go to bed."
-----------------------
Lucy's lip trembled slightly when Harry leaned down to pick her up. We were standing in the foyer, the front door wide open, a black Mercedes waiting outside to take him to the airport.
She took a few deep breaths,
"I don't want you to go," She said, her voice in a slight whine. I could see his eyes were glassy but I knew he wouldn't cry in front of her. He wouldn't alarm her in that way. He pulled her shirt down,
"Hey...here.....I bought you this." He lifted a calendar out of his bag and handed it to her, "And I'm gonna call you every morning and every night. And we're gonna talk about what's on the pictures of each page....and by the time we get to the last one, I'll be home," He squeezed her a bit, "Ok?" She nodded, her lip trembling even more. He kissed her forehead, "I love you, Baby Girl."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed as tight as she could,
"I love you, Daddy."
I folded my arms over my chest. This was hard. Made even harder because of Harry and I being at such odds. Watching my daughter this upset would go down as one of the most difficult things I'd ever seen.
He turned to me and I could see the grip he had on his emotions was breaking. He mouthed "Take her" to me. I put my hands on her arms,
"C'mon Sweetie."
She released him and I set her on the ground. She attached herself to my leg, looking up at him, her face drawn. I looked back up at him and smiled, my own tears threatening to come out,
"Leave it to you to give her a quiz for every day that you're gone."
He didn't even look at me, just leaned down to pick his bags up. He shrugged,
"I'll try to call her at the same time every night. Does 8:00 work?"
I took a breath,
"Harry-"
"Does that work?" He interrupted, staring right through me like I wasn't even there.
I hung my head and nodded,
"Yeah."
He knew I wouldn't argue with him in front of Lucy. He nodded once and turned to walk out of the house. I stepped forward,
"I love you," I called out.
He stopped but didn't turn around. I watched and waited. If he turned around and told me he loved me it meant we had a shot. That he wasn't mad enough to write me off completely.
But he didn't turn around. He cleared his throat,
"I'll call tonight when I land." He said, his voice cold and stiff.
My whole body felt weighed down. What was I going to do if he didn't love me? He'd become such a huge part of my life that I couldn't imagine being without him now. Had I lost him?
A fear I'd never felt in my life sucked all the air out of my lungs. The weight in my chest was suffocating.
Lucy detached herself from my leg and walked towards the door. The tears were coming no matter how hard I tried to stop them. They were so strong in my throat they were all I could feel. I took a deep breath,
"Baby...don't go out there." I said, my voice in a whisper.
Harry turned to look at her. He kissed his fingertips and put them against his heart. She lifted her tiny hand and waved a few times.
And then he was gone.
-----------------------
Being in the house alone felt weird. Even though I'd been in the house before without him and I wasn't alone, I still felt strange. It felt like everything was quiet. Like all the color had been sucked out of everything.
I helped Lucy hang up her calendar right by her bed after she'd gotten off the phone with Niall. He also promised to call us every morning and every night which was going to make for some interesting phone tagging.
I opted not to tell him about what had gone on with Harry and I. I didn't want to cause any unnecessary tension between them while they were on this promo tour together.
Lucy walked into the kitchen and held up her teddy bear,
"Mumma.....he ripped." She said, wiping her hand over her eyes like she was tired.
I looked down, taking the bear from her,
"Oh no....how'd that happen?"
"I don't know," She answered and then the tears started. I set the bear down on the counter before picking her up into my arms,
"It's ok, Baby..." I swayed back and forth, her head lying on my shoulder while she cried, "You miss daddy and Niall huh?" She nodded. I glanced around the kitchen, "How bout you go put your shoes on and we can go get some ice cream."
Lucy pulled her head up off my shoulder and looked at me like she was slightly astonished,
"Ice cream?"
I nodded,
"I think daddy would be ok with it just this once...."
She nodded a bit and ran off to her room after I set her down. I looked down at my silent phone. I knew they were in the air at the moment but I lived for the moment when it finally rang.
Harry may have written me off, but I hadn't written him off. I was going to fight for us whether he liked it or not. He just needed space. A little time to cool off and see that getting married just to prove something to other people was not a good idea. He was the rational one in this relationship and I knew he'd eventually see things my way.
Eventually.
-----------------------
I was awake at 3 a.m. contemplating all the different ways I'd screwed up my life. It's weird how those thoughts always seem a lot worse at 3 a.m. than they did at 3 p.m.
Harry had called when he landed. But he was very stilted when we spoke. One word answers and sighs laced with annoyance and irritation.
I should have just said yes. It's not like I didn't want to marry him. Marrying him is a dream I never allowed myself to want. I just didn't want the reason we got married to be because of other people. I wanted it to be because we loved each other and were making a commitment to do that for the rest of our lives. So much of our lives were dictated by other people, this one thing needed to just be about us for once.
After the third response of "yeah" I finally handed the phone over to Lucy. She spoke to him about her calendar and a few other things before saying she loved him and goodbye. When she handed the phone back to me, he was gone.
I felt empty. I could feel the air in my stomach from not having eaten anything since he left. But the thought of eating just made me want to puke and I promised myself I wouldn't. The coldness of our bed made me shiver no matter how many clothes I put on. I knew being without him would be hard, but being without him when he was also angry was enough to make sure I wouldn't get a wink of sleep tonight.
I needed to pull myself together for Lucy. If she noticed something was wrong she would ask questions. I wouldn't have had the answers for her. Because I didn't know myself. Would Harry and I make it through this? I refused to let it break us apart. I didn't care how hard he made it.
-----------------------
I think I covered the distance from the kitchen to our bedroom in 2 seconds flat when I heard my phone ring. I heard it but I couldn't find it. I ripped the sheets off the bed finally to see it laying right in the middle between my pillows. I shouldn't have felt such disappointment when Niall's face greeted me on the screen. I missed him too. But it had been 3 days since Harry had left. I was still being met with one word answers and irritation on the phone.
"Hey...." I answered.
"Hiya...how's it goin'?"
"Fine. Just giving Luc some breakfast. Gonna go grocery shopping and stop by your house to make sure everything's ok."
"Everything ok?"
I nodded. I desperately wanted to talk to him about Harry but it would only irritate him and I wouldn't have them at odds while on a promo tour,
"It's great..."
"Good, when you're done with me on here call your moody ass boyfriend."
I stopped,
"Why? What's going on?"
"He's moody. And walking around like someone shot his dog. He doesn't even have a dog."
"He just misses Lucy." I answered softly.
"I know what he misses and it has squat to do with Lucy."
"Niall..." I warned.
He snickered,
"I was kiddin'."
We talked for a few more minutes. I handed the phone to Lucy for her to talk. She giggled and nodded a few times, babbling about everything she had to do for the day which amounted to a tea party around noon and play time with Frank.
And then my phone went back to being a black hole of nothingness. Where no phone calls or random text messages came in to tell me how much he loved me or that he was thinking about me. It was like I suddenly didn't exist anymore.
I pulled up my text messages and tapped on Harry's name. Our last exchange had been the day after Lucy's party. I had gonlose to take the costumes back to the shop and he stayed in close contact with me to make sure I didn't have any fan run-in's. His last message was,
One day they'll all love you as much as I do. Well maybe not as much because that's impossible.
I would've given anything to banter back and forth with him right now. Tell him all the ways he wasn't as hot as he thought he was while he responded all the ways he'd prove how hot he was when we were together again.
But there was nothing. Just a text message from almost a week ago. I took a deep breath and typed. I just needed an olive branch from him. Something to let me know that I was still in his heart.
I love you. I miss you.
I stared at the message for a few moments before hitting send. I watched as the progress bar swiped across the screen before the message finally sent.
And then there was silence again. I watched the "Read 9:48 a.m." message pop up under the message.
No response.
-----------------------
I was in a daze while driving to Niall's house. The radio was off, the car was silent except for Lucy softly singing in the back seat. It was a downpour which was fitting considering my current mood.
All I could think about was Harry. Was he done with me? Was he using the time away from me to decide on how he was going to tell me he was walking away? Was this his final straw? I felt like I was holding onto a very thin thread that was about to break.
I was momentarily pulled out of my pity party when I pulled up to Niall's garage. Jessica's car was parked out front. Lucy unlocked her seat belt herself, something she'd now taken to doing since her father left. I opened her door, pulling her hood over her head so she wouldn't get wet as she walked towards Niall's front door.
I could hear talking when I finally got the front door open. Jessica was in the kitchen trying to reason with Frank like he was a person. Lucy went running towards the voices. Jessica was just standing back up when I made it into the kitchen. Lucy's arms were secured around Frank's neck while he stood there.
Jessica looked over at me, obviously shocked I was standing there,
"Hi!" She quipped.
"I'm sorry. I thought....I mean, he usually boards Frank when he's gone."
Jessica chewed on her lip and I could tell she was trying to make this seem like it wasn't as big of a deal as it was,
"Well uh..." She itched the back of her neck, "He asked me-I think just cuz I live closer and um...we were gonna go for a walk when I realized I forgot his leash and uh-How are you anyway? I haven't seen you in forever."
She glanced down as Lucy squealed while Frank trapped her underneath him and licked her face. I nodded,
"Good, Good....I'm good." I was still so confused. If she got in that meant she had a key. The last time I saw Jessica and Niall was at Lucy's party almost a week ago. Had he given her a key or had she taken one? She was an entertainment report after all.
She finally let out an exasperated sigh,
"He kissed me." She blurted out. My eyebrows raised, "Laid one on me...right in front of my house. It shocked the hell out of me."
I nodded,
"I bet."
Niall wasn't the overly emotional type. Or the big grand gestures type either. This news from Jessica was shocking to say the least. She folded her arms over her stomach,
"Everything is happening so quickly. I spent the next 2 days before he left staying here. I don't know what's going on." She looked over at me, "I mean....I don't-"
"Jess-"
"No I mean, I know how special you are to him and I don't want you to thi-"
"Jess-"
"You must think I'm such a sl-"
"JESSICA!" I yelled out before she said the last word. My 5 year old daughter was sitting 2 feet away from her. She clapped her mouth shut,
"Sorry." She whispered.
I smiled,
"It's fine." I looked down at Frank and Lucy and then back up at her, "Are you free right now? Let's go grab some lunch...we can bring it back here....and talk."
Jessica looked so relieved my heart went out to her. She nodded,
"Sure. Yeah. Ok."
-----------------------
Lucy hopped off her chair when she was done eating and walked over to Frank. He immediately followed her over as she toddled off to the other room. Jessica had been a chatterbox since her admission. I could tell she was nervous but her nervous came out as words. I don't think I'd said 6 in the last hour but she had definitely filled the silence.
Only now she was quiet. I looked over at her,
"So...you and Niall..." She hung her head a bit and sighed, "Jess...it's really ok." I finished.
She looked up at me. She blinked a few times,
"I really like him." She finally said softly.
I smiled. The first actual genuine, happy smile since Harry had left. I was ecstatic for her,
"I'm glad to hear it. He needs someone."
She looked up at me,
"He's trustworthy right? Like I'm not gonna be just his girl in this city am I?"
I laughed harder than I expected to. Niall was hardly a guy who had a girl in every city. Niall was more the kind of guy who had a football stadium in every city,
"Jess, trust me when I say that with Niall, you are 100% safe. He's the most trustworthy guy I've ever known."
She sat back and let out a sigh of relief,
"It's all so....sudden. Like he kissed me and I just fell. Like can you do that? Fall for someone that quickly?"
I felt a little odd with her asking me relationship questions about falling in love while Harry and I were so far apart. But I nodded,
"I think falling in love happens instantaneously."
"Did it happen that way for you with Harry?"
I stopped. I can't say I didn't see that question coming. I just didn't see the hammer against my heart coming when I heard it. I fought to hold back a wave of tears that instantly came to my eyes,
"Um..." I said, my voice wavering.
Jessica set her fork down and slid off the stool to wrap her arms around me,
"Oh my God...I can't believe I'm such a jerk. You're apart and I'm sure you're so upset that he's not here with you and I'm such a jerk. I'm so sorry, Em."
I shook my head while she held me. A tear escaped, slipping down my cheek which I quickly brushed away,
"I'm fine." I said, pulling away from her, "It's ok."
Jessica sat back down on her stool and looked at me,
"How is he doing without you? Much the same, I assume."
I stared down at the plate in front of me. I didn't want to answer her. But I felt like a volcano about to explode. I couldn't talk to Niall and Harry was freezing me out. I needed to talk to someone. I shrugged,
"I don't really know how he's doing." I finally answered.
I could see Jessica's confusion out of the corner of my eye. As far as she was concerned Harry and I were one of those couples who were going to make it no matter what. We were a team. Two people who always put each other as the top priority. It's all she'd seen of us. She took a moment to gather her thoughts and then took a breath,
"I'm sorry...I don't-what happened?"
I looked up from my plate and shrugged,
"I wish I knew to tell you the truth. We were happy and together and then everything just..." I shook my head, "He set a ring down in front of me the night before he left." Jessica gasped, her hand going to her mouth. I nodded, "Asked me to marry him."
She took her hand away from her mouth,
"What'd you say?"
"I was shocked. More than shocked. We just moved in together. The whole thing with Lucy being his daughter came out. Harry and I haven't really had a moment of silence since I told him Lucy was his." Jessica nodded, absentmindedly chewing on a piece of bread while her eyes widened with every word out of my mouth, "Then all of this stuff with Twitter-"
"I saw fans were out for blood." She commented.
I nodded,
"I asked him why he was asking. Which hindsight probably wasn't the greatest response...but it was so out of the blue."
"What'd he say?"
"He said so it would prove everyone wrong. That they'd have to accept we were together." She grimaced and I threw my hand out, "See? That's what I thought."
She took a moment to decide what to say and then shrugged,
"I mean...it's not the most romantic answer. But I get where he was coming from with it."
"I do too. But I don't want it to be the reason we get married."
She leaned forward and put her hand on my leg,
"Are you ok?"
My lip trembled and I shook my head,
"He's so angry and hurt. He has a right to be. I mean, I didn't say no...but I didn't really give him an answer either." I threw my napkin down on my plate, "He calls to talk to Lucy. But he's freezing me out. When I get on the phone he's either already hung up or he's giving me one word answers. I don't know how to get him to listen...I feel like he's never going to forgive me."
Jessica was quiet for a moment while she looked at me. I could see the wheels in her head turning. She sat back and folded her arms over her chest,
"You have to see him face to face. That's the only solution."
I looked at her like she was crazy,
"I can't just show up on tour."
"Why not?"
"Because...I mean...he would be caught off guard."
She nodded,
"Exactly. Then he has to listen to you. You're in front of him. He can't hang up or turn the phone off."
I shook my head,
"I can't do that. I can't."
Jessica sighed and sat back as she watched Lucy run into the kitchen behind Frank. She looked back at me,
"You can't let him dictate how this happens. You love him, right?" I nodded, "And he loves you."
I took a shaky breath,
"I'm not so sure about that anymore."
"I am." She said, so confidently it was shocking, "Look, you might not be able to see how he looks at you, but I saw it. You're his whole world. He doesn't make a move without considering you first. He's mad and hurt right now, but he's still not going to do anything that doesn't involve you."
I pushed my hair behind my ears,
"I don't know, Jess. I don't know what to do or what to say to him. I wouldn't even know where to start."
Jessica shrugged,
"Start with I love you. The rest doesn't matter after that anyway does it?"
-----------------------
Since talking to Jessica all I could think about was what she'd said. Was getting on a plane the way to go? Would I push him into something he wasn't ready for? The last thing I wanted to do was test him and make him angrier than he already was. But I was getting to the point of desperation. He was shutting me out and I felt like if I let that go on for any longer he would get used to not having me around.
I decided to wait. Maybe he would start opening up to me and we could finally start talking. Face to face confrontations never went well for me anyway. I always ended up with word vomit and having to explain myself further.
I heard my phone ring and I looked down to see Harry's face staring back at me. Of course, as usual lately, it wasn't a FaceTime call. I sighed and picked it up,
"Hi." I said softly, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice.
"Hey. We're in Los Angeles for a few days." He answered. His voice was still stiff but at least I got more than a one word answer.
"Ok. Good flight, I hope?"
"Fine." He answered.
I felt my heart sink. Back to one word answers so quickly. The tears stung so bad. I just wanted to hear him tell me he loved me. I would've lived on it until he got back. That hollow feeling in my stomach returned instantly.
"Harry...please don't do this." He was silent on the other end of the phone. I assumed he was in a hotel room alone because I didn't hear a thing, "I just wish you'd talk to me." He sighed. It wasn't a word, but it was a response, "I love you." I whispered.
There was nothing on the other end for what seemed like forever. I closed my eyes. I prayed to whatever God was listening. Please just say it back. Please.
I heard him take a deep breath,
"Em, I-"
"Mumma...daddy on the phone?" Lucy yelled as she came running into the kitchen. I was so startled I almost dropped the phone. I looked down at her and nodded,
"Sure..." I handed her the phone, "Here he is."
She took the phone and ran off to her room. Usually I let her have her time with Harry without me around. I didn't like to intrude on their time together. But I followed her this time. I stood in the doorway while he spoke to her about her calendar and made her giggle like he always did. And like clockwork after 20 minutes she said she loved him and said goodbye.
My heart launched into my throat when she approached me with the phone. What was he going to say? Would we finally talk? I needed to hear his voice so badly it made me ache.
I looked down at the phone when she put it back in my hand.
It was dark.
He was gone.