In the silence of our conversation, I can't help but feel the need to just crawl under a blanket and cry myself to sleep. What intrigues me the most is the intense looks Ella and Alice are giving me, I know that look; it's asking me for an explanation- for more. Although they confirmed many times that they aren't demanding me and that I can tell them whenever I'm ready, it is obvious they aren't satisfied. I know them well, but I can't judge them for that, can I?
"I wish I could tell you, I wish I could take off this weight off my chest, but I'm afraid I won't be able." Deciding to put all the guilt on myself and an end to this interrogation, I hide my mystery self as much as I can through some bunch of lies. This way, they wouldn't demand me further information.
"Look, I told you before. It's ok if you don't want to talk, although it makes you feel better and we maybe can help you, you can keep it in. But know this, Andrew is the only one who you can and should talk to. You shouldn't just let it be. If you do, then your life will never be the same." Ella says.
"She's right, Laura," Alice puts her hand on my knee. I can't look them in the eye, afraid that their eyes would be my breakdown- afraid that they would see the real reason behind all this.
"Andrew is not like anyone else. He's complicated. He doesn't... think twice about what he does. He doesn't see reality the way I do. He's..." but I forget my voice, words are lost on me. What explanation can I give them? What reasonable answer can I give them to make it sound like a normal relationship, not a wreck of a semi-DBSM life that he is enjoying it so far? It was gratifying to me too, but till the moment, he decided to punish me. I wasn't in my best state of mind, nor was he. And I believe that left us where we are now.
Last night, he killed all the hopes between us, all the trust. Knowing he can be so powerful and controlling terrifies me. Only now I realize our relationship was never bound to work, it was debris at the first sight. He wants control, power and dominance in his commitment, for as much he wants to deny, his dominant part is taking over. Whereas, I want love, nothing but simple love- gentle and passionate. Is it too hard for him to see this?
"From the look you are shooting at the poor table, I dare to say your only medicine is Andrew. I tell you what, pull yourself together, go to him and talk this through. Do no leave until you found an answer from him. I may not know your situation or whatever the deal is with you guys, but you need to figure this out." Alice stands up and points her finger at me.
"Laura, you look miserable and I hate to see you like this, so, please go talk to him for as much it may break your heart."
"You have feelings for him, don't you?" Alice asks.
"I do," I nod my head and plaster my face with a sad smile.
"Do you need a ride?" Ella asks me her hand still on my back.
Driving through the busy streets of LA, the sun has already set and had cast the city in darkness. The moon can't help much to brighten up; only the street lamps and flashy LEDs and posters on the sidewalk can help it. But what is missing is the real light; these artificial lamps can never compete with it.
In the darkness of the car, however, I find some time alone to think about what they said. Should I talk to him? Does he even want to talk to me? Maybe I should brush Ella off, pretending that I'm going to talk to him. After all, they are missing a huge part of our relationship. Blindfolded with lies from here and there, they think this is normal for us to talk to each other, like a couple holding hands and hugging each other in the sunset, like normal people sleeping next to each other and pretty much unnormal for not knowing what we want and why we are even fighting.
Honestly, I can't bring it in me to talk to him. Not because I'm still upset about what he did, or upset about what he did afterward, but because I'm not ready to face him, I'm just not ready to look at him in the eye without a reminder of what I saw in his eyes last night.
What I saw was complete darkness, as if he was changed from one person to another. As if he couldn't see anything but the fact that I broke a rule. I don't know if I should call it selfishness or confidence, since the word dominant doesn't work for him, according to him, but that surely doesn't include being attracted or calling someone especial.
He wants something between friends with benefit and BDSM, something that doesn't attach you to the other person by any mean, but it doesn't work that way, not for me at least. How can I be with him and ignore my feelings for him?
How can I look him in the eyes tonight and tell him about my feelings? How can I tell him that this contract is suffocating me to a level that last night I felt I can't take another step that I need to quit? But my heart doesn't allow it.
These are some endless questions that tend to be there while the answers are clear and loud, but no one can hear them, just like no one can hear what they want in life when they are wandering around, deciding about their future.
Leaning back, I tilt my head slightly toward the window to mask my face away from Ella. The bulge in my throat needs to be broken, and what terrifies me is that I will break down before I can see him.
Twenty minutes after we depart Alice's apartment, Ella pulls over before the tall familiar building. Still facing away, I try to pry into the building. I can't believe I left this building last night in that state.
"Ok, we are here," Ella informs me. I look over at her. She's sneaking a look inside, like me curious. Although she belongs to a pretty much high-class family and comes from money, it could never be compared to what this man owns.
"Thank you," I whisper, obviously drained. I wonder how I'm going to confront Andrew in this state, body exhausted, and mind clouded. I'm still debating whether it's a good idea to have that confrontation.
"Just remember, whatever it is between you two, you should come to an agreement, otherwise, it would never work. He doesn't know about you having feelings for him?"
I shake my head, looking down at my hand. How can he know? He only thinks about pleasure. Was it always pleasure for him? Is that why he calls me special?
"I see," she gives a nod as to understanding the situation. Oh no, please, don't let it be what I think, "he must have said something that hurt your feelings then since he doesn't know about your feelings,"
How can she shoot in the dark, on the nose? It's either my expression or the fact that my relationship is fucked up. It takes a lot for me to realize why Alice is down or whether Ella has broken up with her boyfriend.
"How... I..." I'm lost in the words. Should I even say something?
Technically, she's wrong, my heart reminds me. He used action as words. That is right. I used to believe once that, words have more power since they pierce through your soul and remain on your mind leaving you repeating the voice and the words, but then he proved me wrong. In fact, it is the action that can put the bad memories in your mind and keep you reminded of what is done.
"Alright, up you go," she shoos me out of her car. Smiling weakly at her action, I comply and walk inside.
The two security guards, one from last night, nod at me. I reply him with a vague smile. Once in the elevator, I feel my legs shaking. What am I doing? Maybe I should call it off. After all, I'm able to call the contract off whenever I please. But then I remember why I can't let go of him, why I can't give it all up for all he is and all he's done.
When I reach the door, I realize I don't have a key, but judging by the time, I guess he must be home by now. Knocking on the door, I wait patiently for him to open the door, but nothing comes as the answer. I knock more, still nothing. When I reach for the knock, surprisingly, I find it open. Normally, he would have the door locked securely, maybe Pamela forgot to close the door, but if Andrew is home then the door must be closed. Walking in, I'm once again caught off guard when I find all the lights turned off.
"Hello," I call out, but after a good five minutes calling out and hearing no reply back, I decide to check all the possible places in here.
The result comes nothing but the affirmation of Andrew's lack of presence in here. I'm about one hundred percent sure he's not in this apartment, not the living room, or kitchen or the bedrooms. But this doesn't help much since the moment I had entered this place. The door was open and it sounds as crazy as it looks. What if something happened to him?
A wave of nausea hits me as I think of him getting hurt. I fish my phone out of my purse, but my fingers lock on the screen. Can I call him? He didn't call me last night, heck, he didn't even check up on me to see if I'm ok or not. Though I don't like his bossy side, I expected him to call me and check on me, I expected him to be selfish and tell me he wants me.
It's ridiculous, I can't even protest against it. But I know that one way or another tonight, everything will be sorted out, for better or for worse. However, something deep in me whispers of a storm coming up.
I feel anguish thinking about it. I start wondering about what he would say to my face if he finds me here. But after all the thoughts, one thing sticks to me. I'll never let you go, you are mine, he always says.
Who thought that I would sit here again? I thought after last night everything was over yet here I am, sitting on the sofa thinking that just about a few hours or so, this would become the end of it, or maybe a new start. About an hour passes and I'm still sitting on the sofa staring down at my phone trying to read another sentence off of my new novel I purchased the other day from Kindle. But the words are blurring, I can't focus well, every now and then, I zone out, staring down at just some point in the book.
Drained from all the events this week, physically and emotionally, I stand up, put my phone back in my purse and put it on my shoulder before walk into the kitchen. After a glass of water, I wander around, debating whether I should head back home and just wait for him, or stay. Initially, I find myself before his office. The moulded wooden door is my only view that is until I turn the knob and open the door.
Just as I remember, the view before me is stunning. The twinkle lights of buildings and the invisible stars combined with the darkness of the night. The coming and going of the cars, even though it's far from here, is evident. Do these freeways ever go to sleep?
Is this what Andrew sees every time he wants to take a decision upon a company's fate? This powerful skyline is the view of so many, but how many of these people actually think about human's power?
Eventually, I turn around and head for the door, not wanting to be found here red handed that I break into his apartment, although he said I'm more than welcome to come here, I don't think that applies to me now anymore.
Just as I'm deep into my thought, I hear some sounds coming from the foyer just outside the apartment. Is someone here? Maybe it's Andrew. Just then, the door opens and closed.
"Shit, I forgot to close the door again," Andrew grunts as he enters. Just at the end of the corridor, the following sound stops me dead on my track. It's a clicking of heels on the floor. Fierce and stern, it must be someone with confidence, nevertheless a woman.
"You should be more careful about your property," true to my wild guess, a female voice comes as a reply to Andrew's statement. Who could it be?
I want nothing more than to walk on them and see the female. It's killing me to see the face; because I have absolutely no doubt that the person is a certain one, someone that to Andrew's confession shouldn't be here. I walk slowly toward the edge just to get a glimpse of them. Fortunately for me, my shoes are flat, no voice comes out. But that's not the only fluke I get. The wall and the darkness of the corridor come to my help. I tilt my head; sneak a look at them, seeing the women sitting on the sofa, just where I was sitting and Andrew walking toward the kitchen. Her blonde hair proves me all I needed to be proven. This is as if her voice wasn't enough to stop me. What is she doing here? The annoying b... I should keep my calm or else.
"Want a drink?" Andrew asks. In this moment, I realize how deep and raspy his voice is. It's like he's been drinking. His voice, not a bit changed from my favorite voice, is shaky and a bit slurred.
"Hmm, sure," Amelia says. The more she talks, the more it becomes unbearable for me not to come out of my cover and yank my nail into her flawless skin. I know women like her, thirsty and eager for a bit of attention from a male, so just they can pass the night somehow. But in this case, she has taken the scenario wildly. She moves just make it harder for me not to hate her. Look at me, what am I talking about? Look who I have become.
I was never the jealous kind of person; never would I have ever seen myself standing prying on my so called boyfriend. But here I am, not happy to be, but I just can't stop myself.
"So how's everything with you and that Laura girl? I heard you two are pretty much hitting it on some level and I was like, what? Andrew Martinez will never be that person," she purrs. Sneaking another look at them, I find him sitting across her, facing each other.
"Well, maybe you should stop listening to other people," he suggests as he takes a swing of his rock glass, defiantly filled with alcohol. He seems relaxed as if the events from last night hadn't happened at all.
"Maybe," she chuckles. "Does she know about BDSM? I bet she does, or else she wouldn't be by your side."
"She does, actually, not by me, though, her curiosity got her there, however, she doesn't know that part of me, yet," he lets out a mocking-toned laughter.
"Why didn't you tell her? I mean you two must be in some terms. I know you; you wouldn't enter into any commitment without making sure your security and the other person's vulnerability," she places her glass. I can hear her squirm in her seat. "Plus, she strikes me for the type of the person who doesn't submit easily, just the way you like them, feisty. Uhhh, that's why we never worked out," she tsks.
"We are in a contract, indeed, but I didn't want to tell her about my true side of dominant side because I was afraid she might run away, she has so much on her plate already," he utters. I nearly gasp before clasping a hand over my mouth and covering it. What did I just hear?
Andrew has been lying to me all this time. In fact, he lied to me about this very woman and his connection got her. He lied to me about his lifestyle; he lied to me about his dominant part, though it's not really surprising after all his action and his denial. It keeps me wondering what else he is hiding from me. This explains everything. Every time I look into his eyes, I see the darkness. That must be his domination taking over him, but why he used to tell me he's not a dominant, then? Why hiding?
"I see, you think she's so fragile to take her to your playroom," she laughs viciously as if just had a victory. "I thought you had her into submission by now, I bet you have missed your playroom then. Ahhh, Andrew," She sighs, "You should know by now that no one can be like us. Admit it, none of your relationship worked semi-BDSM, not even us. Stop trying, honestly,"
"She doesn't know about the existence of the playroom, I had the door in her room locked, she thinks it's an attic or closet of some sort since she didn't ask me about. But god knows how much I've been controlling myself. And for your reference, my life is none of your business. Laura is special and by some twisted way the only person who understands me better than. But that doesn't lessen the tension between us." What? What are you talking about Andrew? "But I get to admit, she's something else, her presence makes the control easy and hard all at the same time."
This is getting worse. I know I'm not doing a good thing standing and eavesdropping on someone's conversation, but as far as it's concerning me and being lied to, I just want to stand here and listen more, if this is how I'm going to get an answer, then why not. How can he do this to me? I thought I was special, I thought we were something else. He told me he's never taken anyone to date. So that explains it, because none of his previous women, or now better say submissives had the power to enjoy them as much as I did. All those twelve women before me were subs and they were into DBSM, no wonder why he calls me special- because I'm naïve and not submissive.
My knees turn to jelly all of a sudden. I lean back to the wall and just breathe in and out. How can he do this to me? Every time he made love to me was just a lust for him to take me to his playroom, a place I didn't know of the existence was just barely an inch away. The locked door.
Why did you play with me?
"And here I thought you started having feelings for someone," she says playfully, joking around.
"I do," he stands up all of a sudden, goes towards the window and looks at the skyline. "She's especial to me, I don't want to lose her. Have you looked into her eyes? She's... I knew she wouldn't stand me even a second, knowing what a monster I am, so it's better for her to distance herself from me." I can sense the sorrow in his voice. His voice, although it may sound drunk, is completely solid and firm, the same voice I get a chill listening to, and the same voice I fell in love with because of the vulnerability.
"Oh come on, you're not a monster. This is a lifestyle. There are thousands of people out there craving for sex and none says such a thing." She stands up and walks toward him, the clicking of her shoes echoing through the apartment. "Does that mean you're single now? Or are you trying to make me jealous? I thought I was the special one to you, after all, I do fulfill all your wishes." She suggests seductively. "But you should tell her one way or another. I know how much you like power and I know how much you crave for your playroom," Her last words are long enough to sense the hidden purpose behind it.
"This isn't just about my playroom, there is more you don't know of." He practically shouts.
She walks a few more steps towards him just like his voice doesn't make any influence on her. With the lack of view, I have from here since I'm afraid they may catch me, I just can see her hand on his shoulder and him, getting tense by her touch.
"Are you planning on making a sub out of her?"
"No, I don't think she can bear with my lifestyle, she was already in jeopardy with her feelings towards our contract. I acted so cruel to her recently." I notice he used the word "was" as in the past, meaning he thinks we are through and done.
This is not my feelings for the contract, Andrew; those are my feelings toward you, why can't you see it? I must feel somehow reveal when he talks about last night- hearing him talking about how sorry he is makes me feel that there is a light, but after the flesh news that is still burning in my brain, I don't know what else should I think. I'm desperate to know more yet, not too much thirsty to drown myself, knowing it may be too much to consume.
"What'd you do?" she asks, boredom is obvious in her voice. But it goes unnoticed by Andrew.
"I f*cked up bad and lost it; I was so angry and worried about her. I have enemies; I thought something happened to her. But I couldn't hold it back, her, talking back with me, challenging me, was a trigger for me."
Unwanted and unaware, pricks of tears slide my eyes and falls over my hand that is clasped over my mouth, fearing some sort of sound out of me might get their attention. What have I put myself into? What is happening between us? Will I be ever the person he wants me to be? Surely, I crave some desire, but I will never become his submissive, I don't see obedience from anyone. What should this happen to me, to us? I thought we were getting to some term until last night, but then coming here, I was hoping that maybe some of that hope is still there but now... nothing.
"Well, she did break a rule after all. Don't put it up all on yourself, this is a contract, she signed up for so it was expected." Another set of clicking can be heard; I can imagine her walking around him like a predator. "If you need some loosing up, I'm here, I know you need to forget, especially now, so... how about we go to your playroom?"
Abruptly, I crane my head and take a good glimpse that burns into my eyes. Amelia's hand's wrapped around Andrew while Andrew is standing with his hand on his sides. Their heads dangerously close. Amelia leans in and with that, I lose it all. I grab a hold on my purse as I make my run toward the door. I reach the door as a sob escapes me.
"Laura?" Andrew's voice stops me just for a second. But it doesn't stop me forever. In fact, in encourages me to get away from him, from this building as far as possible. My legs make it to the elevator. The door to elevator's door opens at once. "LAURA, WAIT," Andrew shouts, but by the time he gets to the front door, the door to the elevator is already closed.
I take a deep break in and blow it out. My lungs are closing on me. My hands are shaking. Within a few seconds, the doors open and I practically jump for the lobby's door. Outside, I desperately stretch my hand, begging a taxi to stop for me. Just when the taxi stops before me, Andrew is standing in the lobby.
"Please, go, go," I urge the taxi driver. He nods and the car starts. Taking a look at behind me, I watch as Andrew runs after the cab, but he can't make it. For the last time, our eyes met, and silently, I bid him my goodbye.
I give the driver my address and sit back, fumbling with the brass lock on my purse. My thoughts are running after the cab, just like Andrew, as if they've been left behind in his apartment. I try to go through what I've heard and what I've seen, but every time, it's like a bolt of electricity into my body. I don't think I will be able to see Andrew ever again. I don't think I can ever talk to him, without breakdown. I should stay away from him, I should stay away from this city, if not forever, but for the time being.
"I'm sorry, I changed my mind," I say and then I give him Ella's address.
Just as I finish my phone rings as expected. The name is obvious. It goes off and on for about three times. By now I'm receiving concerned looks from the driver. I finally decide to answer it knowing how miserable I will sound.
"Hello?" I try to smooth my voice, calm and ready to face the storm.
"Laura, where are you? Please, tell me, I'm sorry-" his voice is hustling and shaky as if he knows what he wants to say but the words are useless. I know the feelings, Andrew.
"Andrew there is nothing to be sorry. You are right, it's hard for me to take it in, I don't think I will be able to... please stop this," I sigh.
"Laura, I beg you, I will do anything for you, please just... let's meet up somewhere, I'm begging you, this is not the best time for this, something may happen to you. I know I said I want to let you go, but I just can't. Please, let's talk,"
"Nothing will happen, not when I'm not with you anymore, please just let me go, this is not working, our relationship is not working at least not for you," I inhale deeply, even his voice is a shackle for me. "I don't think you and I will ever work this out, I'm sorry, goodbye," I push the end bottom, but with that, I feel the life out of me being dragged.
About ten minutes later, I arrive there. I give him his fare and flee out of.
Standing on the curb, I wait until the cab has gone out of sight and then take another cab after I drop my phone in the garbage. I know Andrew's game; he will look for me with all his might. I must say though it is clever of him, but right now, I must take the better card, I'm done playing his games. I expected everything from tonight, hell, even I expected him to tell me he's into someone else, but his words can't leave my head.
Once in the cab, I ask him to drop me off at the nearest bus terminal. When the cab arrives twenty minutes later, I dug into my purse and bid him his fare. As I walk into the station, I receive weird glances from people, some with heavy suitcases and others with nothing like me. Maybe one of the odds for them is my formal clothing since I didn't have time to change from this morning, or perhaps it's my smashed little makeup I had. I can perceive it well, it's been pretty much twenty-four hours or more from crying and constant disintegration, and no one looks at their best.
I walk toward the front desk and ask the earliest ticket they have for San Francisco. The man gives me a nine thirty PM bus ticket for the exchange of thirty bucks. And that is it; in a few hours I will have my way toward a peaceful place and escape from this misery for once. As much as my body screams at me for differ, for as much as I miss Andrew's lips on mine, I urge my feet to pace toward the bus and get in.
Only when the door of the bus closes with only half of the bus filled, I feel relieved and all at the same heart sickly grieved that tonight was indeed the last time I would ever see him.
Tonight was the last night I heard his voice. I have already missed him and my heart is bleeding for him. Every time I tell myself that I should go back to him, every time I try to remind myself of the love I have for him, I see nothing but a blank space. There is absolutely nothing left between us, but of course in his eyes, this chance between us never exists.
The bus starts the journey and I stare out of the window, once again dark as usual, but this time, there is neither street lamp nor LEDs, there is only a big white moon in the middle of the pitch black sky.
I sigh and lean my head towards the window. In my reflection, in the window, I observe as my tears run down my face. I observe as the agony fills my face. At that moment, I recall all the good memories we've spent. The boat, the Gala, although it may have passed rather sourly, the sulking I use to have, our romantic dinner and him make love to me. In those memories, I reach for something I know didn't exist and that is love.
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And this is the end....
ha ha gotcha late-April's fool day!
but yeah this is the end and we are going to have a surprise chapter... yay! I'm not gonna say anything though.... keep voting and reading.