TW: mentions of r*pe, ab*se and graphic stuff
"Panic attacks, insomnia, depressive episodes, flashbacks, episodes of derealisation and isolation, cold sweats" The psychologist reads out from the list on her computer, "Athena you're not okay"
"Yeah that's kind of why I'm here", I say bluntly.
I didn't want to do therapy, my the old man said it's best that I sort things out. I've come to realise that this family doesn't do emotions very well so I'm at least grateful that there was some concern for my history.
That's the other thing, they know. No one makes it awkward or brings it up randomly but when Alejandro picks me up from the psychology office every Thursday I can't help but feel embarrassed. The first time he did bring it up was because apparently Nicholas had an alarming amount of concern for my situation and if he did he certainly didn't show it.
Dario is of course very open to me, he enjoys talking my ear off and actually noticing my existence but Nicholas feels awkward, like he doesn't know how to talk to me, still I appreciate the concern.
The psychologist deadpans, "And how are the exercises I've given you? Have you updated your journal?"
The same questions. Every week, the same thing, same criteria, the same answers. It's like running a marathon but going nowhere.
She sighs heavily, "Your Father doesn't want me prescribing you any medication but could you at least try to cooperate and engage in the therapeutic excercises?"
I stare at her for a few seconds too long, noticing her dry lipstick and outgrown roots, "Yeah I'll try, I don't know", yeah fuck she probably knows that I've been zoning out every time that she talks. I can't help it, she doesn't want to help me for the sake of helping but more so for a paycheck.
She writes something down in her journal, "I'm going to have to refer you to someone else, a specialist in these sorts of circumstances. I'll be in contact with your Father about his decisions for you, have a nice rest of your day".
I bite back a smile, "You too".
Opening the door to the waiting room I find that Alejandro is no longer there, but now Dario. I turn my head in confusion but he only says he'll explain in the car. I nod diligently and follow after him.
"Are you going to tell me what happened or are you just going to continue brooding and give nothing?" I deadpan.
He turns on the ignition and mutes the radio, "A base got attacked by the Italians, Alejandro's gone to deal with it so in the mean time I'm on baby sitting duties", he looks at me with an unimpressed expression.
I scoff, "As if that's a bad thing, you're lucky to be in my presence", I smirk and tilt the chair back slowly making sure to keep eye contact. "No but seriously was it bad?"
"Whole place went up in flames, a couple of cops got killed it's all over the news I think they're gonna have some sort of ceremony for the people that died"
"Fuck", my eyes widen slightly, "What time did it happen?"
"I don't know that much kiddo but it was like past midnight"
"And they only just found out now?"
"Well they had no tech to alert them about it and when someone found out they were too pussy to tell Nicholas so it was a whole thing" He rolls his eyes.
"To be fair I'd be scared too"
He pushes my head to the side playfully, getting hair in my mouth, "How was therapy?"
I immediately stop smiling even if he didn't mean it seriously I still don't want to talk.
"Don't worry I don't really care that much", Dario mumbles and I start to feel bad.
"I'm sorry Rio, I just-" my voice trails off and I start to play with my sleeves, an old habit I've been doing for years.
He plays around with the radio, something I've noticed about him is that he's not bothered to connect his phone to the car but rather prefers listening to generic music, "Before I left, Dad put me in therapy as well" I try not to flinch, that's the first time I've heard him say Dad, he sighs heavily, "He thought I had behavioral issues or some crap but he's just too stubborn to admit it was just me reacting to neglect. He spent most of my childhood looking for you and that completely fucked up everything between Nick and I because I was exposed to things at an early age and he was always trying to compete with me for whatever reason" A lump forms in his throat, "And then Mom, well when she passed Dad just didn't know what to do with himself and so we lost our connection before we even had time to form one."
"How did she pass? Mom that is" It feels weird, the word 'mom', like its a foreign word and I'm pronouncing it incorrectly. I spent the first few years of my life in and out of weird homes and foster care places so I never got to form any real bonds with anyone, after that the time I spent with them was absolute hell so it's not even worth mentioning.
Dario licks his lips and takes his time to answer as if he's weighing the words on his tongue, "You were her only daughter and she didn't really cope well with your absence so", this time his voice trails off and I fill in the gaps from there.
I mourn for the life I never had, tears threaten to spill and sting my eyes. I turn my head towards the window and sigh deeply. Remembering what my therapist taught me and bring my hand to my chest to do fast knocks to calm myself down.
From the corner of my eye I can see Dario reach out to me and pull his hand back on the steering wheel just as quickly. The guilt I now carry is immense, because of me I ruined a whole family and now we're all just dealing with the shitty consequences of broken relationships.
"Don't blame yourself for something that wasn't your fault, you were just a baby"
I stop knocking and breathe out through my nose heavily, "But I ruined everything!", my voice cracks slightly and I pull my face into my hands. I can feel the car begin to stop and when I look up I see that he's pulled over.
"Don't you dare have that mindset, what she did was on her own account. Not once did anyone blame you for her death, I'll admit that the three of us were angry at her for not staying but I think we've realised how selfish that is", his eyes soften and I nod slowly, biting my cheek so that he doesn't see me cry.
"It's too much Dario", my voice becomes thick with the tears that freely fall from my eyes, "I haven't ever talked to anyone about what I've been through because I can't even comprehend what's happened to me! It's like my mind just blocks out everything the moment I want to fix things and I just am so sick of my head being such a mess but so eerily quiet whenever I want to get better", I let out of a choked sob and Dario slightly gapes, I can tell he wants to comfort me but seems scared to do so.
"I was fucking raped Dario!" I start crying all over again, I don't even know what really provoked this outburst and I suddenly feel stupid for acting this way but I can't help myself, "I can't remember the first half of my fucking life because I was abused by so many fucking random people who didn't even know my name, I didn't even know what my fucking name was until some cop found me under an overpass and took me into the station! And then I was kidnapped again, and trafficked, and sold to a mafia like what the fuck? I never even went to school! It took me until I was 12 to speak properly because before that I was never even taught proper English" Dario leans over to me and wraps me into a tight hug, I can feel his heart beat heavily and his tears soak my neck as he tightens the embrace.
"I'm so sorry baby" He repeats over and over again, "They're dead now, John and whoever the woman was", I laugh sadly through my tears, "The moment I could I dedicated my life to finding you, they'll never touch another fucking finger on you again for as long as I'm alive you'll be safe" He promises and I feel myself start to calm down at the warm feeling of his protection.
"I'm sorry, this is just I don't know why I started venting" I pull away from him, the feeling of comfort feeling so awkward to me.
His eyes soften again, "Oh Athena what have they done to you?", he places both of his hands on either one of my cheeks and brushes his fingers across them, I reach over to him to wipe away his tears and we sit there for a couple of moments.
"Good things are coming, it'll be rough at first but I need you to place all your trust in me. I'm not saying you can't trust anyone but if anything know that something big is happening but you will be safe"
I furrow my brows at his vagueness, "Dario what does that mean?"
"Please just trust me"
I sigh, "I stopped placing faith in others a long time ago"
"Please"
"Dario you're scaring me"
"You will be okay, I'm only telling you this because the least you deserve is some closure after everything you've been through. After everything happens all I'm saying is that you will be safe"
What do I have to lose? "Okay, I'm trusting you"
We sit in silence and watch cars drive past, a siren erupts out of nowhere and chases after a car which was definitely speeding, we both scoff when the car continues to speed off instead of slow down.
"You should just be my therapist, I waste too much time sitting in there and listening to a middle aged lady talk about breathing techniques. You got more out of me then she or anyone ever did"
"Because I'm probably the first person to ever really care"
I continue looking out on the road, afraid that if I look at him that I'll start crying all over again "Thank you, Dario"
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Short chapter my luvs!
I promise from now on it's going to be more action focused so prepare for a change of direction, but writing these intimate conversations are just as fun.
How do we feel about Dario's mysteriousness? Not to be biased but he's without a doubt my fav.
I'm currently working on another book called 'Eutopian' which I'm really excited for so keep an eye out for that one.
Until next time,
-E