Jessica
'...I just do not belong anywhere!' I trembled, standing at the podium, waiting nervously with my mother by my side.
She was in full support of my endeavors, today. I could tell by the way she beams with joy and looks proud as this moment had finally come. It had cost her dearly: her marriage and even divided the family not because of what she was about to do, but because of what had already done.
However, as they tell me, the true victim isn't her or my family; it was me.
I feel like I might vomit as I wish that I had dressed in comfortable clothing. The bra supporting my breasts seemed far too tight, my skirt seemed far too short, and my blouse was far too messy for this court!
~~~
"You are Mr. River O'Neill?" the judge asked me from his high chair, behind a study wooden desk.
"Yes, your honor." I answered, speaking in the mic.
"Please tell the court why you are here, today." he orders me, glancing at my application that lies on his desk.
"I am here for a legal name change & gender marker change, your honor."
"Before we proceed, are you changing your name to unrun the law, avoid a debt, or pressured by others to do so?" the judge asked as his black eyes glared down at me, reading my facial expressions.
"Your honor..." as I reflected on the question...
---
No one is born being transgender...they are conditioned by dysphoria brought on by an unstable social situation.
My dysphoria began with my parents, right after I was born into this world!
Mom wanted a little girl to relive for own childhood, a childhood that she was denied. And father wanted a little girl, because he did not want another man who could show him just how pitiful of a man he truly was.
Their desire for a girl had led to a series of misfortunate events that has turned me into the confused soul that I am.
For the first seven years of my life, I lived as a boy with my parents. Though, I was taught to behave as a girl. My gender had placed their once happy marriage now on rocky ground. However, it was my father's actions that had broken my family.
In a fit of rage from one bottle of alcohol, far too many, he took a knife and decided to correct what the Lord had failed to do, himself. I have tried to banish this memory from my mind; and to be discreet for the readers, I was partly castrated with her pocket knife.
The pain was so bad, then when I had awakened, I was recovering from surgery; resting in a hospital room. That day, my father's actions had nullified my gender as the damage was beyond the surgeon's expertise.
When mom had found out what he had done, she wanted to murder the man!
When I came around hours later, a social worker talked to me about what had happened and I told them everything...to the moment when I had passed out. She called CPS who then called the police and arrested my dad on account of child abuse and mutilation with a deadly weapon.
And because I bled pretty bad, attempted murder was added to his charges and he got 25 years to life. Ever since the incident, it has ruined my self-esteem as my mom decided that since I now looked feminine down there, she was tasked in providing hormones to make the rest of my body follow suit.
I still remember that awkward conversation:
"Sweetie, we need to talk." she says as I was still healing from my wounds. I was too young to realize what was about to happen to me.
Puberty seemed like one of those far away fantasy lands that you heard about, but never visited. Yet, once you get there, you just want to go home to simpler times!
"Your GP wants you on a hormone regiment as your body now lacks the ability to produce the male hormone. You have a choice; we can give you testosterone and it will make you look male, or estrogen and that will make you look female."
I thought about what had already happened and that mom had always wanted a girl. I figured, if it makes her happy, then I would be happy too. And besides, my trust in the male-gender wasn't there anyone.
I despised my dad for what he did to me.
"I'll take the one that makes me female." I told her as she smiled and nodded. And a month later, I was on estrogen for life.
So, by the time that I had turned 14 years old, mom and I began talking about making one final change...and it took us to court this day...
~~~
"...I am of sound mind and body; and I am not changing my name to flee from debtors or the law, your honor." I commented, burying the past.
"Mr. River O'Neill; I have reviewed your application for the legal sex and name change." as he begins to read my preferred name "Mr. O'Neill has petitioned this court to change her name to Miss Jessica O'Neill...is this correct?" he asks as I nod.
"Yes, your honor." I quickly say as the judge looks over at mom.
"You are his mother?" he then asked my mother who nodded her head.
"Yes, your honor."
"And do you accept your son's willingness to change his gender from male to female, and name from River to Jessica?" the judge asks as mom nods her head once more.
"Yes, your honor." The judge deliberates for a moment before passing his judgment.
"Very well then," as he looks over at me "and you are aware that once this is done, it becomes permeant, yes?"
"I am aware, your honor." I answered.
"Very well then...I thereby grant your request for your name change, and due to your physical appearance, I grant you your sex change. You must take these documents to the clerk and have them notarized and then take a copy to social security and change your license and all records and accounts under the previous name. Good luck in your adventures."
"Thank you, your honor." I say as the bailiff hands the documents to me as it was now official...I was now Jessica O'Neill...a female.
Mom looks at the document and hugs me as she was bubbling over with joy. We left the court as traffic infractions and lawsuits took up the rest of the judge's time.
"Have a seat." mom said as I waited outside of the clerk's office, sitting patiently.
I look down at myself: if you never knew I was born male, you would never know my story. Because I started hormones long before puberty had the change to reshaped my body into a male, I was able to reverse the transformation and have the body that best suits me.
With our business concluded, I sat in the passenger's seat as mom drives us back home. She was still in a jovial mood.
"I am thinking about dinner at Alec's." she said with a smile as I like to eat out occasionally, and nodded in agreement.
"That sounds wonderful!" I stared out the window, my lovely feminine eyes with a slight masculine bone structure gazed right back at me.
'At least I will not have to worry about shaving my face!' I ponder with a smirk, gently touching my face, feeling its silky-smooth texture.
"Mom, when can I finalize my SRS?" dreading the thought of high school showering for PE.
"You will have to wait until you are 16 years old, sweetie...then we can head to Portland." she says, already having plans for me. Surgery for my face, possible breast augmentation if needed...and most certainly SRS will be needed to make me confident that I am 'passing' as a female and not just a transgender woman masquerading as a female.
That night, we ate at Alex's, celebrating as I twirled my caramel blonde hair in ringlets as my pale-blue eyes watched the gesture and movement of a boy that I like, working here. Mom glances at me as she was also watching a few boys from my junior high school that I have secretly liked on my social media account.
One of them was an athlete, a branny boy with jet black hair and dashing green eyes who was named Joshua.
We never dated, too embarrassed to simply ask him out as everyone at school knew I was transgender, and I did not want to suffer the emotional heartbreak of possibly being rejected.
Actually, the only interactions I have ever had with him were in the hallways between classes. Words exchanged between us like: 'Hi' and 'Uhm, hello' with a warm friendly smile.
I would listen to him gossip with his pervy friends who would occasionally stare at my budding breasts, snickering. They were all hormonal jerks...and they had a foul scent that was hard to describe...like a weeks-old musk from a gym locker-room.
That was what was great about junior high...the haunting past about my transformation was mostly forgotten...people only knew me as a strange girl with striking features, coming of age, and blossoming into her own maturity.
However, it was the little things that I feared the most, like showering in the girls' room, as the school refused to let me shower with the boys, saying that it was 'unethical'. I wasn't allowed to use the main shower cubical, of course. I had to privately shower in a separate cubicle that was typically used by girls who were in their cycles...it was absolutely gross!
With the 9th grade coming to a recess, I was shopping at the IGA for vegetables and fruit and overheard some girls from my school, discussing Joshua. I leant an ear to the conversation as I pretended to read the labels on the shelf.
"I heard that he's going out with Becca!"
The revelation was as if Oceanus had plunged his trident deep into my sternum. My chest ached as I was heartbroken.
"That girl has all the luck! He is totally into her!" Another commented as I placed the canned food back on the shelf and sauntered back home, wishing that I did not overhear those cruel words, pretending that it must have been a different Joshua to keep me from crying.
In my room, I buried my face in my pillow, crying myself off to sleep.
'Oh, to be young and feel love's keen sting!' My mother thought, checking up on me as I stained my pillow with my tears.
It hurt her to see me going through this, all because of a man! But that was the danger of young love...it never lasts!
The next morning, I clang onto the hope that it was just a rumor, but when I got to school, I saw Joshua talking to a lovely blonde girl next to her locker as he flaunted himself, bolstering.
They were in deep conversation, far removed from the single words of 'hi' and 'uhm, hello' that we would share as he planted a small kiss on her cheek and said to her in a seductive lover's voice...
"Cya later, Becca, my babe!"
I felt the love die right there in the hallway, numb from my sorrowful emotions. Tears formed in my eyes as I retreated to the restroom to hide my shame.
For three days, I avoided speaking to him, or even looking at him and acknowledging his existence. Just seeing him with Becca made my blood boil as I wanted to remove his presence from my sight! He disgusted me with the way he behaved, which only reminded me of dad!
I knew so much about him...things to ruin his life!
I reported to the dean of students that I saw something that looked like drugs in his locker and when the dean had investigated, he discovered some fentanyl pills and just like that, Joshua's football days were through and he was suspended...which helped me forget all about him as he was taken out of the school by police.
Nevertheless, revenge did not help heal my torn heart as I listened to music on my MP3 player, only to find myself crying to sappy love songs on repeat.
Eventually, one of my gay friends named Poe, had noticed my sour mood and quickly got me to confess over a long conversation, one late night. Our cries were hypocritical, yet sympathetic.
"You poor thing!" Poe said, dressed like a woman, but not on HRT, he just liked the feel of women's clothes upon his body, loving to cross-dress. "He wasn't your type, sweetie! You deserve so much better, girlfriend!"
"I know, Poe!" I cried "I just thought that he was the one!" I stared at the ceiling for answers. "Why does it have to hurt so fking bad!" I growl, as in the other room, my mother shouts 'Language, Jess!'
"He's a douchebag, Jessie!" Poe says as I cry and laugh, nodding in agreement. Poe always seems to understand me.
"Thanks!" Poe just smiled as we then laughed and continued talking, to help take my mind off of current events happening at school. Poe then offered up a reprieve.
"Maybe some time at the beach would be best...want to go to Damon Point State Park?" Poe offers as I sigh and nod, he was right as usual. I need time to clear my hormonally induced thoughts.
"Sure...what the hell!" I say as I look at the clock. "Want to go today?"
"Yeah, how about an hour from now? It takes that long just for the bus to arrive from Aberdean!" Poe remarks.
"Then it is a date!" I comment, checking the time. "I'll see you soon, Poe!"
Hanging up, I hurried to get ready as I had only an hour to make myself presentable. With my coat under my arm, I walked to the door.
"Just where do you think you are going, young lady?" mom asks as I glance back.
"Damon Point State Park, to see Poe." The community of Ocean Shores was 'mostly' safe now, considering that much of its population and buildings were all swept away into Greys Harbor when the tsunami hit. It has yet to return to its glory days of expensive hotels and overly priced seafood joints.
Hoping onto the bus, I traveled to a remote island connected by a large gravel bar as I looked around for Poe. In all respects, I did not want to go to the beach; but I needed companionship.
Poe stood there on the gravel bar, wearing his red dress as I smiled and walked over to him and gave him a big teary hug. His face was covered in metal, to the point where he looked like he got into a fight with a tackle box!
He kept typing to have me get my ears pierced, but I am far too much of a chicken to allow it! Poe continues to hug me as we greet one another with a warm smile.
He has always liked me, but kept his feelings secret so as to not to ruin our friendship. He liked my skinny featureless feminizing body, and anadromous face. And because I was biologically male and masquerading as a female, I was the best of both worlds for him.
"You look..." Poe begins as I listen intently to his words "...amazing, girlfriend!" He smiled as he wanted to see my new identity card. "Is it official?"
I pull out my license that says: Jessica O'Neill...Female.
"Yep! You were right, Poe!" I gladly told him "It was so easy; the judge didn't overly question me about my reasons."
"That is so freaking cool! I wish my mom pushed those pills on me!" Poe jokes kindly.
"Don't ask for things that you might regret!" as I cup my clothed budding breasts, showing them to him. "These things hurt like hell! The stinging sensation is the worst!"
Poe felt a chill run down his spine as he especially liked breasts, just not on his own body! I know very well the cost of hormone therapy. I cannot play with the other boys because of my breasts; and I cannot play with the other girls because of my being male; though society says that there is nothing wrong with crossing the sexes -- it is just this town's own opinions that make me feel that I just do not belong here.
I was alone in my own little isolated world. I spent much of my time hiding my pathetic body under baggy, loose-fitting clothes. Trying to fit into both worlds just to keep people happy, at the cost of my own happiness.
On the island, Poe and I walked over to a group of boys as he saw the opportunity to do some matchmaking.
"Hey, follow my lead!" Poe says as we walk over to our peers. At first, the boys seemed interested in me, but it was all a farce! In the end, when I would not play the part of their whore, they began messing with Poe, shunning and mocking him for dressing as a girl. I just couldn't take it anymore.
"Poe, let's go!" I begged as these boys were becoming rowdy and unpredictable.
Poe just smiled, brushing me off to the side as he too wanted some attention. They manipulated him, inviting him to a game of Frisbee; purposely driving a wedge between us as they told him that he can 'hang' with them, but not the 'freak'.
However, Poe was so thickheaded as he turned to me, saying.
"Come, play with us Jessie!" Poe calls out to me as I step back, heartbroken for a second time.
"Sorry dude, but no queers and chicks with tits allowed." The captain of the team says as I just wanted to run away. He pulled Poe away from me, telling him that it wasn't wise to associate with a freak. Calling Poe his own 'personal' pet project to invite him back into manhood. Promising to improve his standing in the school.
'Jerk!' I felt tears ready to burst free 'You fool! They are using you!'
I didn't want to go home because I did not feel like facing mom with my baggage and raw emotions. Instead, I just abandoned Poe as he had already abandoned me and continued down the beach towards the North Jetty to go play on the dangerous rocks with his new friends.
I slowly passed kids building sandcastles with their parents, who were watching them from afar with one eye, as the other was glued to their cellphones.
I wanted seclusion, so I entered the secluded, unvisited part of this beach: the Oyhut Wildlife Recreation Area...free from the mess that was Ocean Shores and its unworthy people. I wanted to disconnect as I wished that I had never loved. I would crawl onto the sharp rocks, clinging on for dear life as I cried tears into the ocean.
It was the ocean that had cured me the most.
Oyhut was my private sanctuary, a place where I went to think.
It was a private place where people did not go to as it wasn't as exciting as the oceanfront. I crawled over the smooth rocks to a formation that I called The Cove.
It was a great place to swim, relax, and look for starfish and sea stars. The water inside the cove was always waist deep and warm in the summer...thanks to the sun.
Coming upon the cove, my eyes just caught something splashing back into the harbor. It startled me as it was the size of two seals! But it moved with the swiftness of an otter! I tiptoed to the edge of the Cove, hoping that I hadn't scared it off, whatever the poor thing was. I scanned the surf for any sign of whoever it was. It could not be a person...as people hardly came out here.
Shockingly, I saw a girl's face crept over the edge of the rocks as she just stared at me, wide eyed and looking terrified of me. When our eyes met, she then quickly bobbed back under the surface of the water. I was shocked as I hurried over to the rocks at a careful pace as I hollered.
"Hey! Please, do not go! You were here first!"
Slowly, the girl's head poked up to the surface once more; water dripping off a silvery crown with two mermaids imprinted upon it with metal shaped like scales and fins. I could only guess that this girl was possibly cosplaying, as it was the only logical sense as to why a girl would submerge herself like a fish.
Her long blonde hair strung with green seaweed, only served to enhance her glittering silver-blue eyes that glowed, inhuman! I felt as if I was being judged and it made me self-conscious once more.
I was at first dismissive to find that my secret spot was already occupied by a strange girl who was wading in the ocean without a care that it was freezing cold. Yet odder, she spoke not a single word nor did she seem to trust me...in fact, she seemed terrified of me!
Normally, I would have abandoned her to the power of the ocean, but she compelled me to linger a bit longer as I wanted her to trust me and talk to me. I just wanted someone who did not already have a prejudiced heart towards me.
"Please..." I almost cried as I reached out to her "...don't leave! I'm sorry if I scared you!"
She just floated there, studying me as I sat down on the wet sand and looked over at her, tucking my hands in my lap as I bowed my head in shame.
"I just do not belong anywhere."