Chapter 5: Hurt feelings.
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Oscar Wilde-
Minho never spoke about the crying and Jisung was scared to bring it up.
He started school without knowing why his friend's behavior had changed so much over the past months.
The older went from being happy, always laughing and genuinely smiling at Jisung, to being constantly absentminded, sometimes staring at his friend with the saddest expressions but trying to hide them whenever he noticed Jisung looking, giving only weak and forced smiles.
How could an eight year old look so sad all the time?
Jisung didn't know Minho already knew he had been accepted into school. He didn't know Minho had given up his place for him, convincing the caretakers that the younger was more capable and that himself wouldn't mind waiting until he turned nine or ten to enter school then. Jisung didn't know that Minho was the only kid left from the time when they found him, how the others had all been adopted. Jisung just didn't know so many things.
Minho was forced to grow up too soon too suddenly.
One day, when Jisung came back from school, he found a notebook in his friend's bunk bed, old and worn out. It read Minho's name, nothing else. He was seven and curious, his friend surely wouldn't mind if he looked through it a little bit, right? It's not like they had any secrets anyway.
When he opened it he found math problems dated from two years ago, becoming more recent with every passing page. It had history notes, english, science; everything Jisung had been studying since last year, everything he already knew from school. The most recent page was full of crossed out problems, as if Minho had tried to solve them but simply decided to give up halfway.
A little note was written below the blurs of dark pencil and pen.
'I don't wanna receive more lessons, Aera Noona. It's not like I'll be accepted in my year anyway.'
The next handwriting was clearly from the older woman, answering Minho's little resignation letter.
'You'll get accepted, even if it's in a year below. Keep fighting, Minmin!'
The same math problems Minho had crossed out were rewritten and Jisung realized Aera Noona had left the notebook on the older's bed so that he could give them another chance.
So Minho was struggling with school stuff? Jisung could help him with that! He knew how to solve those problems!
A pair of arms circled his waist and he felt Minho's characteristical mint scent. He dropped the notebook immediately and turned around to properly hug his best friend.
"How was your day at school today Sunggie?" Minho asked, tightening his embrace and resting his chin on the top of Jisung's head.
He was taller than the younger boy, who couldn't wait to turn nine himself so he could be as tall and cool as Minho was.
"I had fun! Today we started learning divisions!"
Minho hummed and swayed Jisung's body from side to side, exaggerating a sweet voice and squealing 'My Jisunggie is so smart and pretty! My Jisunggie knows so many things!' He still hadn't learned what divisions were, but he was happy that Jisung knew instead. That meant Minho had given up school for him and it wasn't going to waste.
"Minmin..." started Jisung, a bit unsure for some reason. "You know, I could help you with Aera Noona's homework."
The change in Minho's behavior was clear. He let go of Jisung's body and stared at him with a serious expression, unreadable. "You went through my notebook?" he questioned with a weak voice.
"It was- I just wanted to- I found it on your bed and thought it wasn't important! I didn't think you'd mind!" Jisung was trying desperately to defend his reasoning, but Minho's hurt eyes showed it wasn't improving anything.
Nevertheless, the older smiled, and he didn't look nine when he did so. He looked older and broken. His eyes were a bit shiny and Jisung became scared. "I didn't want you to know about that." he whispered, then walked past his friend and picked up the notebook.
He threw it to the trashcan in the room and stared at it for a second. "Minho, I could hel-"
"Sunggie, don't. You probably read it, I don't wanna keep getting lessons."
Jisung felt sorry.
Minho felt weak in front of whom he was supposed to be the strongest for.
●●●●●
This is not how things work. You don't just abandon someone and suddenly reappear in front of them, trying to hug their worries away.
I don't want Jisung to touch me.
The reality of it sinks in and I start feeling suffocated between arms that don't feel warm like they used to, being squished against my own wishes because he never once cared for my feelings about the situation when he pulled me into his embrace.
But I can't move. I can't push him away even if that's the only thing I want, need, right now.
I don't hug back, my mind is growing numb. I think I might faint.
"Sorry, sir, but my brother looks uncomfortable. He doesn't like hugs, so could you you please let go?"
My savior. Felix always knows when I need him. Jisung releases my limp body, because I'm barely there anymore.
The freckled pulls me right next to him and that's when I react. I need to get out of there, I need air. I'm really scared of collapsing but that's a very present option right now given my panicked state. Felix stands next to me protectively but I don't pay attention.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." Jisung's voice has changed and I'm stupid to be surprised because that's only normal after these many years. "I never thought I'd see you again, Minho."
I compose myself, resentment filling my stomach. "It's not like you made any effort to do so." even if I try to sound stern, my voice quivers with emotions. Jisung hurt me in the past and maybe I'm an asshole, maybe his new family never wanted him to see me again and leaving me with empty promises wasn't his fault, but I don't care right now.
My broken heart and unsolved issues between us is what blooms in my chest as newfound anger, feelings that eat away any happy memories we ever had
His head hungs low. Mine does, too. "Lix, take over. I need air." I say, before he can apologize. I know he was about to say sorry but I don't want to hear any of it.
"Minho, wait! Let's talk, please." he grips my wrist when I try to run away from this situation I never asked to be in. I yank it away. There are tears in my eyes, ones that I don't want to drop.
Felix has to pull his hand away because he keeps trying to touch any part of me he can reach. The only person I liked being touched by is my pretend brother so the uncomfortable feeling settles in my chest rather quickly every time his skin presses against mine.
"I don't want to. I don't want see you, Jisung. I moved past this and it took me too much time to fall back in so easily. Leave me alone."
I think my words hurt him, but I walk away anyway. I see Chan following me outside. I can't breathe properly.
I'm angry and hurt. I never asked for this, yet the world keeps throwing blows right at my face and I wonder if one day it'll make me completely break and give up. I don't know, but I'm scared of the possibility.
When I found a rather hidden corner, I hide my face with the sweaty palms of my hands. My head hurts but it's not what I focus on. There's a hand on my back and I can't help the flinching when it happens.
"You okay?"
It's Chan and I should have known it because I literally saw him, but his presence got forgotten in the corner of my mind like a lot of things right now.
I wonder if I should tell the truth- that I'm not okay. That I want to puke all the contents in my stomach and then hug a very big pillow or maybe Felix if things start getting even worse inside my head. That every part of my body Jisung goy slightly near to is burning and I want to rip it off.
That I really need a cigarette right now.
But that's not productive. Besides, today's a special day for Chan. I can't just ruin it because I panicked seeing a face I had tried to forget about.
I think I've spent too much time thinking and my answer doesn't seem as genuine because of that. "Yeah. Just needed air."
I think Chan knows the truth behind my words. He's always very perceptive.
"Your...ex?" he wonders. I chuckle bitterly, shaking my head.
I stand up. It makes my legs feel a bit like jelly at first but I get over it quickly. "It's nothing serious." Not of your business, anyway, I want to add, but it sounds too rude and Chan doesn't deserve that.
We both walk inside and at first my eyes still stop on Jisung's face. He's looking at me.
I look away, intending to go on about my day as if he didn't exist. As if he never came back.