Eran had told Riley about Jamee's death. He took a deep breath, having conquered the hardest part.
"Do you still feel responsible?" Riley asked.
Eran opened his mouth, then closed it and frowned. "I'll regret it for the rest of my life," he continued, "And so, after Jamee left, I ignored everything but school. I left for university without much of a word. I did go back for Christmas that first year, but it was unbearable. Since then, I only go back to visit his grave on his memorial day. And I go with my parents; otherwise, it's like admitting my guilt.
"About 3 years after his death, I saw a kid no older than thirteen smoking. I felt obligated to say something. Afterwards, situations like that kept repeating themselves. Sure, I guess it was partly concern, but I think most of it was guilt... Still, I couldn't get too involved with these kids, because I'd screw up again."
"It's not your fault." Riley lightly wrapped a hand around one of Eran's. "Even if you'd been breathing down his neck, he still would have found a chance to do what he wanted. Feeling responsible for Jamee's death is like trying to take responsibility for the universe. Same with your parents. All three of you made mistakes, but those mistakes aren't what killed Jamee." Riley watched Eran closely. "I think it's okay to regret it. But don't let that regret take control of your life and thoughts."
Riley's words both smacked and soothed Eran. The young man understood so much, so simply, Eran couldn't help but feel completely safe in Riley's arms.
But Riley wanted to, and should, know more, Eran decided. He's not a replacement. "In the convenience store... I had just handled those kids, you know? Then I saw Jamee's hair and blazer—the last way I'd seen him alive—and sadness, regretfulness... and guilt all came over me. When I looked at you more closely, I felt stupid for even being reminded of Jamee.
"Next, I saw you at the park. The way you mimicked me was funny," Eran said with a small smile. "Your smart mouth was nothing like Jamee." He chuckled slightly and then gave Riley a bitter look. "But you were so angsty you pissed me off.
"Twice, Jamee asked me to pick him up from school after a fight. The second time I made him wait for our parents to get off work so that they could get him. That second time you called me to the police station, you were about to leave me again. So I made you stay with me. I also figured I might find out more about you. You were an enigma to me."
Eran's expression became contemplative, "But I broke my own rules. I saw you more than once and I held on to you. You needed me. You chose me to need. So I wasn't imposing like I was with the past kids. Maybe you satisfied my guilt to the point where I forgot about it.
"I hadn't spoken to one other kid since that day at the convenience store. I haven't. You occupied my mind and overtook any feelings of guilt about Jamee, completely by the 5th time we met.
"R-Riley... Jamee was my brother for 14 years. I loved my brother, even though I failed him. You were a stranger for 17 years. But the way I love you is stronger than any guilt I've ever felt. The way I love you... You're what keeps me grounded." Eran's leg started to shake. "You're what keeps me going. D-do you get it? I want you. I don't want anyone else. Riley... Talk to me."
Riley was silent for several seconds before finally speaking. "I'm sorry. It was immature of me to run away. I won't run away anymore." He stroked Eran's cheek. "If you ever want to tell me something, don't hesitate. And I'll tell you anything you want to know. Let's put our full trust in each other."
Eran nodded and reflexively reached out his arms to embrace Riley. He wrapped his arms around Riley's neck as Riley wrapped his own around Eran's waist. They hugged tightly.
"I love you," they both whispered at the same time.
Riley pecked Eran on the lips and repeated the phrase. "I love you."
Eran went back to hugging Riley tightly. "I want to make you happy."
More than surprised by Eran's unselfish declaration, Riley was touched. He returned the hug. "With you, I am happy."