I've never been asked what I'm most afraid of.
People had just about, different types of phobias. Height, spiders, confined spaces... however, I feared loss. A phobia that came arm in arm with inevitability. You just couldn't tell when or how. At least with fear of heights, you'd know to avoid high places. With enclosed spaces, you'd be wary of your environment and spots to be in. But with loss? You just couldn't be certain. You're left to guess. Left to wait and especially hope that it doesn't come to you. Sadly, eventually it'll come.
I sighed as I cradled Naenae in my arms. My heart still racing as fast as a damn sports car. For a moment, I'd let my mind run free and wild. It had done one hell of a terrific job conjuring images...stories...theories that almost had me losing my mind.
I had never thought of his infamous hide and seek. I had never for once stopped to think or analyse. Sighing for the umpteenth time, I hugged him closer, placing soft kisses on his head that soon had him looking for an escape. But I wasn't ready. At least, till my heartbeat became stable.
I let him go, but not out of my sight when Soma came downstairs. I know he said he was okay, but who could be especially in his shoes?
That portrait had been hidden there for a reason.
"Hey," I called, knowing I wasn't in the right place to offer my pity. But I had to say something.
He might act as though, he was okay, but in reality, he wasn't. I myself knew that much.
"I'm sorry about Naenae and the picture..."
He sighed. "Really Didi. It's okay."
He wasn't annoyed. Didn't sound sarcastic. Still, I was not convinced.
I nodded, deciding to drop the subject. "Okay."
His eyes narrowed for a brief second, before he came and sat down. Naenae went to his side instantly.
"Look, that picture has been around ever since I can remember," he said casually. "And for real, I really do not know why Mum keeps it. But that's her choice. I respect that. But to me,"
He was serious as he spoke. "It really doesn't matter what sentimental value is attached to it. I never knew him and apparently, he never wanted both I and my Mum, why bother attaching emotions to someone or thing that isn't worth it?"
I held my breath for what felt like eons. Had he just said that so casually? If I had seen that picture clearly. I knew I was staring at a younger version of Aunty Vee and an older, spitting image of Soma.
Still, the words that gripped me was the revelation that he never wanted Aunty Vee, at least not till the end and Soma. His own son. Who would do that to their own child?
"I'm sorry." The only words that seemed to be leaving my lips.
Soma rolled his eyes, looking and acting so unaffected. And it didn't look like an act from my point of view. Maybe, he really was over it all.
"Don't be. I don't look pitiful. Do I?"
I shook my head. "No.
"Then don't." His smile was tender. A look I haven't seen on him before. "Look, I have my Mum. I mean, she could move the world if I asked her. She's been with me, loves me. Unconditionally... Why should I pine after someone else when I have all the love and support I need before me? Honestly, I feel that's like a slap to Mum's face if, after all she's done. I'd think about someone who has done absolutely nothing."
I nodded, same time I realized that that was the longest Soma has spoken to me asides from random banters.
Still nodding, I processed his words. Discovering that, although Somadina was a whole different headache. He was mature. Setting aside what was worth what and not.
Also, I was expecting him to be all in his feelings about everything. Maybe, hoarding the story and being a cliche brooding teenager. However, I got none of that. The asocial rude boy was quite an open book.
Or more, he spoke out his nightmares, that was why they weren't haunting him. I watched him silently as he directed his attention to Naenae. He didn't look like he just spoke about what some would cling to and refer to as abandonment issues. He addressed it, faced it head-on and suddenly, I wanted to tap from whatever superpower he had.
I could imagine myself that moment, talking about my fears...my pains... Casually, and giving them no power, making them have no worth to me.
Observing Naenae play around with Soma's thumb and watching the grumpy boy let him, I took in a breath. There was no harm trying. Maybe a little.
"I was scared," my gaze rested on Naenae's unbothered self.
He hummed, giving Naenae his whole hand. "I know."
Swallowing, I sighed. "I lost my brother four years ago." I dropped, hoping I sounded as casual as Soma did, but it felt like the opposite.
I felt like lead sat on my heart, crushing it slowly. Soma paused, his attention rapt on me, while his brows furrowed together, like he was deep in thought.
He said nothing.
His face blank.
"He was studying in the States. Medicine," I smiled, remembering how my thirteen years old self was giddy to go study medicine too like him. "Just in his final year when he came back. He...he was one of those brothers who you could never hate, the ones who could pluck the sun for their siblings."
I was trying. Fuck being casual... Speaking alone was hard.
"He was home for the first time. Said he had good news," my eyes trailed to Naenae momentarily. "One moment, I had my brother who I hadn't seen for long. My family complete. And...and in one cold night, I lost him." Sucking in a breath, I sniffed. But there were no tears. "I didn't get to hear the good news from him either."
The space was quiet, Naenae's mumblings aside. While Soma sucked in a long breath. Before a small sad smile snuck to his face.
"You did well Didi." Soma said. And somehow, those words sounded more comforting than any I'm sorry or oh my God! I've heard till date.
I knew what he was talking about though and I appreciated his words. Like he understood what I was feeling. He sat and listened and then he'd spoken four words I needed to hear.
You did well confronting bits of your nightmares Didi.
And I was grateful for that. I didn't sound casual. What I had divulged wasn't light and neither was it of lesser importance. However, I felt light. Like a little weight has been taken off me. And somehow, that feeling...it was warm and calm and liberating. I loved it.
I sighed in relief, feeling my stomach grumble.
My eyes shot to him, just to see a ghost of smile dancing on his face.
"This time, I'm making the noodles." He said, getting up and no doubt headed for the kitchen.
"Please," I tried joking, with the little strength I had left. "Do not disrespect my taste buds."
Shaking his head, he disappeared into the kitchen, but not before throwing his signature.
"Fuck off!"
My way.
•••
"So... Are we choosing again or just going with what was said in the group chat?"
Wande's eyes darted hopefully between us and Brian who looked torn. He leaned against the now unwrapped cushion, letting out stressed sighs.
"The group chat-"
I shook my head, narrowing my eyes between him and Wande. "No way. I wasn't online."
Wande rolled her eyes. "And whose fault is that?"
I ignored her. "Look Bri, why don't we choose again? It will be fair that way."
Our rich friend sat there looking like King Solomon, probably wondering whether he should split our babies into two or just hide in his room forever. Right now, he wasn't the wisest.
We were at Brian's new home. The same beach house we had slaved our asses off to clean and setup and it had been a few days and a day since Naenae and I clashed grumpy's house. I didn't want to think about that day, since a lot had happened. So, I let my eyes take in the place that would be our official place. Brian's words not mine.
Monochrome walls with hints of shell pink, graced the walls. Artificial flowers that Karen had insisted we place in the sitting room to make it look classy. Dark chairs, dark floors... An arcade that stood unbelievable even for me who was present when Az, Kam and Brian set it up. The space looked like a bachelor's pad with a touch of feminine hands or just teenager's touch, judging from the the excess number of bean bags Wande threw into the space in front of the large TV in the middle of the room.
According to her, one enjoyed seeing a movie if they sat on a bean bag feeling useless, while munching on unhealthy snacks. Her words too, not mine.
Brian had basically left every other thing to us. Our preferred curtains and choice to use neon lights instead of normal LEDs like normal people. Finishing touches like arts and framed pictures to make the walls prettier which I had taken up and the freedom to do whatever we wished with the remaining five rooms.
And that was why we are still here. Still undecided. Apparently, Brian was serious when he said his hands were off the rooms. Which was why he said his next words.
"I don't know?"
Groaning, I glared at the indecisive boy. "You know, you just want to favour Wande!"
"Why don't you guys just use any room of your choice when you come by..." Kam couldn't get his words out before 'nos' filled the air.
He shrugged, giving up. "At least, I tried."
"Can we talk about why Kam is getting his own personal room and we girls have to share?" Was the only thing Az had said so far, glaring at Kamauche.
And of course, Kam couldn't help but respond. "Because I'm a guy?"
Az scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Of course you are."
"You wanna share?"
She hissed this time. "I'd rather sleep outside."
Grinning, he sat down, crossing his long legs. "Be my guest then."
My bestfriend glared at him.
"I'm not sharing the smaller room with Az." Was my two cents, whatever was going on was not of concern to me.
"Karen and I can't use the smaller room either!" Wande's foot was down.
Azra rolled her eyes, putting a worn-out copy of Gifted Hands she'd been reading down. "Let's just take Kam's room. His room is big enough to be occupied by one person."
"No! No way!" Shaking his head vehemently, with a determined look on his face, Kam glared at Azra before facing a tired Brian. "Bro tell them. I called dibs on that room even before they found out about this house!"
"The more reason why it should be cancelled," Karen interrupted, stepping into the room. "Hi guys. I can see I'm missing out."
Karen was looking unusual. I mean, as unusual as one who was basically a fashion police would look on sweatpants and a sports bra. Her new braids were even wrapped in a silk bonnet. Karen would be caught dead wearing a silk bonnet outside her home.
"Not you too!" Kam groaned sitting back down when Brian sighed in defeat.
However, our eyes were on Karen and her entire fix of unusualness.
"I know guys..." She sighed. "This isn't my best look. However," she pulled out her laptop from the backpack settling on her shoulder seconds ago. "I've been caught up in a lot."
"Please, strictly good news," Wande warned, moving closer to Karen. "I need all the positivity I can get right now."
I sighed, feeling drained suddenly. "Same here. Wassup?"
"Umm..." She paused midtyping. "It's not entirely bad news."
Azra and Kam groaned.
Laughing, Karen shook her head, looking nervous. "Let's say, the news has its bad and good side."
"Fucking spill Karen!" Brian who couldn't hold it, groaned. "You're making me nervous."
We all watched Karen breath in shakily. "Look guys...I know we all planned to attend Beechworth University and be together and all that." Pausing to take in our expressions, she continued. "I may have ruined the plan."
Az's brow was up. "May?"
"Yeah," the slender girl waved nervously. "It's not set in stone yet...and it's a doubt on my end if it'll be. But guys, I need this. I applied for admissions at fashion schools in New York and Paris and I hope it's not too late but the requirements are killing me! I'm struggling to create a moodboard that would portray my work in five years. I mean, who comes up with that sort of shit? What do they think I am, a time traveller?"
"Breath babe," Kam uttered softly, stopping the girl's rant.
She took his advice, inhaling. "So that's it. I was thinking that keeping this to myself was part of what was limiting my creativity."
Wande snorted, causing us to laugh.
But I had one question for her. "What prompted such change?"
"Freedom?" She answered vaguely before offering me, us, a small smile. "I just want to do something for myself. Solely for me, with nobody pulling the strings or something."
"And you can't find the freedom at BU?"
Azra threw Wande a glare. "Wande!"
"What? I'm just curious."
Karen laughed, brushing it off. "Shouldn't you be happy that you'll be getting the room to yourself most of the time, if this works."
Nodding thoughtfully, Wande nodded. "That too!"
"Jeez, you're so annoying Wande." Brian groaned, same time Wande rolled her eyes.
"Duh, I've been called worse." She sent prodding looks our way. "So...who has anymore secrets to spill?"
With the hearty laughter that filled the space, it was a no-brainer that the conversation was over. And an unspoken agreement to let Karen be.
I knew most of us had questions for Karen. Even if none of them did, I had one myself. The same one that kept tugging at my mind throughout my stay at Brian's place that day. Was this about Lade? I so wanted to ask her. Has he done something that has urged her to make a move? But then, it wasn't in my place to ask questions. Weeks ago, I had relinquished my rights to meddle. Scratch that, I didn't even have a right to begin with.
Wande's question although a piece for amusement, had me having thoughts of mine.
The Rosewood's contract.
Ever since I had gotten that email, I haven't lifted a finger. I mean, taking pictures with backstories was easier said than done. It was like suddenly, I was having some sort of block, or perhaps it was my nerves limiting me because God knows, I haven't picked up my camera in a while.
However, one thing was sure. I wasn't going to tell the guys. At least not until I was sure of what I was doing. Because knowing them, they wouldn't hesitate to take up the role of my human alarms, which would be from a good place of course, but would spike my nerves further.
Letting out a stressed sigh, I willed myself to keep shut.
"I have something I'm working on though..." Kam spoke up, eyes darting around casually. "I'm not too sure at the moment."
Az's nicely plucked brow went up. "Does it involve changing domiciles too?"
"Not yet." Kam was smirking. An act that irked the hell out of Az.
"That's a bummer," Az pouted, looking real disappointed. "I was hoping you'd at least, leave my presence since you don't wanna drop off the surface of earth."
"You know you're gonna miss me."
Huffing, Az's attention went back to her paperback read, before she dismissively said, "You'd be surprised about how little you matter to people KamKam."
Kam glared at her this time. "Don't call me that."
Az rolled her eyes.
"So..." Wande started again. "It's settled then? Karen and I will take one of the large rooms while Didi and Az will take the other."
"No." Kam's frown was comic. "That's sexist. You girls can't take the better rooms and leave the lesser one to me. Brian, help a brother."
Our rich friend rolled his eyes which were glued to his smartphone and somehow, we reached an agreement. And I was stuck with my own secrets which I didn't want to spill.
At least, not yet.
•••
A/n: Yeah, I know 😔, this chapter is sorta lousy. I'm sorry, comes with the mood.
So beautiful people! I know the flood gates to my nasty moodswings is open, however, God forbid I make you guys be unsuspecting victims 😂😂. So... I'm gracing your screens with good news!
If you aren't following me, there's a new book on my profile and guess what? It's highschool teen fiction. Mean girls meets gossip girl trope. If you love drama, chaos... A little unapologetic smut here and there...like our MC then run over to my profile and add the book to your reading list♥️
The book
In furtherance! Our new book has an official trailer on IG!!! And I'll be posting excerpts on WALLFLOWER and GAMBIT (HITLIST) there. Along with face claims and other necessary edits and fun stuffs. So please, drop by IG and let's vibe!