"Papa, promise you won't let him find me," I ask Papa with tears in my eyes while glaring outside through the car window and hoping he won't deny me this one very important request I have.
Because if Papa wants, Papa gets, and nobody can find me as long as he hides me well enough.
I pretended to be asleep after Raffa fell into a faint-like sleep of his own, a legit one and I was happy because, even though exhausted and waisted from the night we had, I could now freely lay half of my necked body on his, feeling the heat of his skin and filling my nostrils with his scent. I could hear his heartbeats in the rhythm of his chest raising and lowering and my ear captured the barely heard hiss of the air he breathed between his parted lips, those lips that had laid tens of kisses on the crown of my head until he fell asleep.
He was a deep sleeper, to my luck so, I got down from the bed, put my clothes on, and called Papa to pick me up.
It took him literally minutes to arrive.
"You know he'll find you," Papa replied with undeniable certainty, fixing the road ahead while squeezing the steering wheel strongly.
"Not if you help me. Please Papa..." I felt the need to beg.
I noticed lately a change in Papa's attitude when it came to Raffa. When he speaks about him his eyes shine and a goofy smile displays on his face. He likes Raffa which, in truth, is my certainty that Papa will fight for us. I only hope he doesn't do the fight with me.
He smiles and grabs my hand laying a kiss on its back with the elegance of a last-century gentleman.
"You know I would do anything for you, Principessa. I would put my life on the line for your happiness," he replies and puts my hand back on my thigh, grabbing the steering wheel again.
"I know, Papa," I mumble grateful, and move my eyes back to the scenery outside and my thoughts back to Raffa, rolling in my head images of him, hoping they will last with me forever.
"And so would he..." he continues and I remember his words not long ago, telling me that the right man would die for me.
"Well, he shouldn't have stayed away from me for so long, then," I said pouting like a child. And I know it's stupid but what place do I have next to a man who hasn't bothered to look for me and find me after saying he loved me?
God knows for how long he would have stayed away.
So, I'll leave and stay away myself until I'm sure I have forgiven him. This is why I've made last night a memory to keep me sane whenever missing him will feel like dying. I took all of him last night and gave him all of me, every inch, every breath, every kiss, and yeah... heartless you might say, but I want him to miss me. I want him to die of a broken heart and I want him to cross the nights of hell remembering my kisses, my touches, my clenched inner muscles around his girth, and know how much he hurt me.
Little did I know at this point that those kisses and touches to keep me warm at night are not the only things I take with me.
"I'll take him back if he finds me again...," I mumble stubbornly.
You see, things in the world we live in are not as easy as they are for you. We live always with one eye over our shoulders, rivalry is what drives our men's empires and bonds are always directly linked with interests.
But beyond that, women in our family have always been able to take for themselves the men they loved and keep them and they are often the the core of everything it's holy.
I won't be any different.
"That's silly, Mia," Papa replies and I pretend I don't hear it.
I know it's silly, don't think I'm oblivious to my stubbornness, but I need time. Time to digest the fact that for a year I lived in darkness and sorrow, with my heart drying every day a little believing the man I loved was dead, never to hold him again.
Papa's words ring in my ears for the rest of our trip. Raffa would give his life for me. It sounded like an approval, a blessing Papa graced us with and that counted the most.
We arrived at the island house in a matter of minutes and before Papa had the chance to park the car, I saw Mamma running out of the house and immediately she grabbed me in a stronghold as soon as I got out of the car.
"Ah, my sweet baby..." she says sobbing and I return her hug stronger, allowing her to hold me for as long as she needs.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt or anything?" she rushes with questions she doesn't wait for answers.
"I'm fine. Really, I'm okay," I tell her laughing.
"Where's Raffa?" she asks looking over my head toward Papa who shrugs and stretches his arms around our backs, taking us into the house.
"Long story..." he winks her back and smiles.
He looks happy. Almost proud.
Papa had prepared a flight for me two hours later. Julian had the task of taking me to Aunt Feli. It was my request.
She was weaker by the day, old, and living alone now. A big part of her died together with Uncle Massimo six months ago and I'm sure we will heal each other. She has a magic touch on the soul with the care she gives and I can be a comfort of not being alone.
"It's beautiful the south of Sicily in summer," Papa says when we are in the car going to the airport.
Mamma Eve has been holding my hand since we left. I can see the sorrow in her eyes but she keeps calm and quiet, gracefully accepting the fact that I'll be far for a while.
I know neither Papa nor Mamma agree with what I'm doing right now but they are supportive, like always.
"Mamma, I will be fine. I promise," I whisper in her ear and kiss her cheek while she breathes deeply and circles her arms around my back.
"I know you will, sweetheart," she replies staring at my face and fixing some nonexistent strays of hair just to keep herself busy and avoid my eyes. "You are a strong woman, Mia. You've grown..." she realizes.
"I am everything you've taught me to be, Mamma. I remember every word and every advice you've given me. And I promise..." I try to be the bigger person.
"Promise me your heart will always come first," she interrupts me and stares into my eyes for the first time. "Heart is the healer. Your heart will always guide you to become complete and happy," she says laying one palm on my chest where my heart skips a beat and I doubt for the first time that I'm doing the right thing.
Because my heart calls for Raffa but my brain is stubborn enough to shout louder and send me away.
Papa stretches an arm from the front seat and grabs Mamma's hand, looking at her through the rear mirror and whispering her Ti amo.
Heart melting! I've always dreamed about a love like the one they are having, but it seems that the man I love took the decision to leave me alone to cross hell thinking the worst.
"Mamma, my heart still needs mending," I reply with shaky lips trying to stop the tears that I feel stinging my eyes.
"I know, sweetheart. Take your time. As much as you need. But when you're done, listen to what your heart says and do it. No matter what decision you make, we will always be by your side, sweetie," she says and we hug, long and tight.
We had a short but hard goodbye at the airport. Papa said he had something to do and when he doesn't give any details, it means it's highly important.
And I was happy because he took Mamma home and I didn't have to see her crying for long. It breaks my heart.
"What do you know about Michelle?" I asked Julian when we were in the airplane on the way to Napoli and I was finally dry of tears and tried to think about something else but the sorrow of leaving Raffa behind.
"Not much and I can't say I'm sorry about it," he replies and I nod, totally sharing his thoughts and still, hoping that he didn't get too far away with it.
"Papa and Lucas took him away shortly after we ran out of that hell and since I've been ordered to babysit you... I couldn't join them," he continues.
Of course, I can see he's bothered and I know he would rather be with Papa and Grandpa instead of being here with me but this is the price he should pay for being always my shadow whenever Papa would ask him to watch me.
"Julian, listen... I..."
"I know, Mia. And I don't blame you nor tell you what to do but... whatever you're trying to do is breaking Papa's heart. Mia, he can't watch you there. I can't be there all the time. And Italy..."
"I have been there before, Julian. Remember?" I tell him trying to defend but the more I think about it, the less convinced I am.
"And only by luck nobody got harm you. Also because Papa diverted the families' attention toward Raffa..."
"He did what?! Wait... what?!"
"You have no idea what has happened around you in the past year, do you?" he replies staring at me as if I'm the most oblivious person on the planet, if not the most stupid.
"Papa knew where Raffa was...?" I mumble in shock, expecting anything on this earth but Papa being against me, not knowing the agony I went through.
"We all knew, Mia, but there was no other way to deal with the fucking diamonds shipment and fucking businesses that turned our lives upside down".
"No... You can't tell me that Papa... he knew? And Raffa..."
"Mia, you need to stop acting as if you're not part of this family and actually start being one," Julian accuses and a things I have been hearing again and again.
"I never asked..."
"Yeah... yeah, I get it, Mia. You never asked to move here and live this life but guess what? People have risked lives so you can live here and live decent and safe!" he shouts standing up in the perfect beauty of his height and starts pacing around, rubbing the back of his head and biting the words he would gladly spit in my face.
"Julian, are you making all of this my fault?! What the fuck did I do?! I'm the one stealing fucking shipments and carrying guns and killing people I don't like!"
"People that might kill you if you don't do it first," he corrects me still not looking at me.
"Oh please... will you stop making excuses?!" I reply with an irritated tone dismissing anything that might have been said against my liking.
"No, Mia. You didn't get me. People that might kill you, Mia, if we do it first," he clarifies and I snap my head back at him, staring so hard that I feel my eyes snapping out of their orbits.
"What do you mean...?" I mumble.
I could think that Julian is just talking bullshit to hurt me by being this upset with me, but this Julian who made it his life mission to either keep me said or make me happy since the day he could spell my name the first time.
He freezes for a moment and looks at me with a struggle in his eyes that makes my heart skip a beat.
"Julian..." I encouraged him to speak.
"Fuck it!" he curses running a hand through his hair and taking a seat next to me.
"Listen, I... I'm not supposed to tell you, but fuck it! You'll find out anyway," he decides ignoring my stoned face and the fact that I've stopped fucking breathing. Swiftly he pulls the phone out of his pocket and opens the picture, showing me one of them.
I lower my gaze on the screen where I see my biological mother in her youth standing next to a brick fence with her arms circled on the neck of a younger Ben's father who romantically holds her waist planting a kiss on her right cheek.
She is so different in this picture, radiant, joyful... sober.
"Ben's father... is this Ben's father?! How?" I mumble frowning and trying to understand what Julian is trying to say.
"We have been under the enemy's watch all the time, Mia. He was Papa's friend, our families were friends for years in a row and that was because of you, because you are her daughter," he explains and I still don't get it.
"Did my mother want me back?" I ask.
"No, she never asked for you. She was happy with the money she received every month and they were not little. She only wanted to take revenge on Papa for leaving her."
"What..."
"We found out recently when Michelle came into the picture. You see, the shipment Papa bought not knowing it was stolen from Raffa by Michelle was only a strategy to reach us and cause a war between Don Raffa and Papa but when he found out about you and Raffa, he changed the strategy and tried to win you in his side."
Words flow out of Julian's mouth like beats on a threat but they don't seem to reach my brain. I don't understand what is going on. I can't make connections between the characters of this story that Julian unveils to me.
"Fuck, Mia. There's no easy way to say this. I am really sorry, sweetie, but... Michelle is your half-brother. He is the firstborn of your biological mother."
~~~~~
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