Two days before the trial
I wanted to go with her, everything in me was begging me to just go back to that kitchen and tell Rick that I would also go with them. I might not be able to keep her safe but at least I would be there for support. But then I simply looked at myself, thought for a second and I understood what I fucking mess I was, what kind of support could have I given her? None.
So that's why instead of going with her I hid, as I always do, and repeated her words inside my head way more times than I thought was possible. I didn't blame her for saying them or held any kind of grudge because she was right. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.
I hoped leaving the apartment and moving on from my father's situation would help, hell, I prayed it would help and I don't fucking pray.
All I wanted was a break, for my brain to give me just a few days of peace but my dad, he is too deep inside my head, and my seek for revenge, the need to end this has consumed me. I'm aware, but I don't know how to stop it.
For so long I used her as my anchor, I took in all her strength, her positivity, and smiles to try and keep going. To try not to go crazy, and it worked, it worked until I took it all away from her. I didn't intend to do that, her happiness is way more important to me than my own but I did it anyways. I took her light away and with hers, I lost the little I had left of mine.
When I saw the way she looked at me, so lost and confused, as if she barely recognized me anymore it felt like a bullet went straight through my heart. I could tell she was trying so hard to try and help me but right now, she is the one who needs support. And I can't be there for her the way she has always been for me because I'm also in fucking pieces. Pieces that I have no idea how to fix up.
I never learned how to look out for myself, since I was a kid all I have done is look out for others. My mom, Isabella, Matteo, them being okay was all I ever cared about, and now that they are gone, now that everything has fallen over my shoulders, every single thing I have been ignoring, the pain I went through hit me at once. I'm aware of it, the same way that I know I should ask for help, but I never learned how to do that either.
So I hide and hope I will be able to figure it out on my own before it kills me.
"Where is she?" I ask Rick as I walk inside the kitchen. Felix is right next to him apparently getting dinner ready.
He instantly looks in my direction, Felix too, both surprised that I'm here, which makes sense since I have been in the library for almost the whole day and it's around seven in the afternoon when I finally decide to make my appearance.
"Glad to know you are alive, should we thank you for gracing us with your presence?" I should have expected he would react this way. It's Rick.
"Come on, tell me where she is. I want to ask her how the meeting went." I tell him hoping that will be enough for him to answer my question.
"A day late? What a gentleman." His tone is the definition of sarcasm.
"I know I should have asked last night when you two came back and I wanted to I just... please just tell me where she is." I was about to explain why I hadn't asked yesterday but I honestly don't have an explanation. I don't understand most of the stuff I'm doing lately.
"The gardens, by the fountain." Felix is the one to answer, I don't really know why, maybe he took pity on how miserable I look but Rick doesn't seem to share that feeling because he looks at him as if he had just betrayed him in the worst way possible.
Felix just shrugs his shoulders at him, not really in apology he just does the gesture but Rick seems to understand the meaning behind it right away. Do they have a secret language I'm not aware of?
"The meeting went well but it was tough for her, try not to be an asshole." Well, Rick is clearly not happy with me.
"I will try my best." I want it to sound somewhat humorous but it sounds as dry as the desert.
Making my way to the gardens through the kitchen glass doors I set my goal on the fountain, hoping she is still there and when I pass the line of different fruit trees and random plants Matteo proclaimed we needed when we reformed the house I finally see her.
Her back is to me, sitting down on the stone as she plays with the cascading water with her hand. Her hair is down which I barely see her do nowadays and she is wearing one of my shirts paired with one of her cotton shorts that stop right at her upper thigh. It's not cold outside but it isn't hot either so I almost unconsciously take off the zip-up I'm wearing and stop right behind her. Gently placing it around her shoulders.
"Thank you." Her voice is barely a whisper as she puts on the hoodie without turning around, she doesn't really need to, if she is as aware of my presence as I am of hers she probably knew it was me the moment my feet met the stone path.
"How was the meeting with Mark?" I ask still standing behind her not daring to look directly at her right now.
I should have asked how it went the moment she got back home yesterday, she probably expected me to do that, it was the bare minimum but as much as I tried I couldn't get myself to face her last night. I couldn't get myself to face anything, really.
"It was okay, Mason's lawyer, he is a good one. And he is known to have no mercy." There's no resentment in her voice, her being the understanding forgivable woman she is, and that only makes me feel like a bigger asshole.
"What did Mark say about him?"
"That he will go all in, especially at me. I'm the one who has the most solid statement. And I don't know if I'm ready for that, for everyone to know what he did to me... there's a lot of things I have never said out loud before." She sounds so unsure of this and even though I know this was her decision I can't help but blame myself for interfering back then. She already had enough, I had no right going after Mason.
"Mia if you don't wanna do this if you want to back down I'm sure everyone will understand," I say unsure if this is what she wants to hear but feeling the need to remind her that at the end of the day, this is her decision.
"No, this time I have the power, this time I'm the one holding his life in my hands, his future, so I have to do this, because if I don't, he wins, and he can't win anymore." Now she does sound confident and I think I had always known but now I'm sure she is the strongest woman I have ever met.
And when starts to shake I instantly sit down behind her. Hugging her against me to try and stop her from trembling. She doesn't fight me, not even a bit, on the contrary, she grasps my arms tight as if she were scared I would let go. Her head buried against my chest.
Like this, I can finally see her face from above, and at that exact moment, the light hits her face at an angle that allows me to notice the wet trail on her cheeks caused by her tears. Selfishly I blame the sun for allowing me to do that because I hate watching her cry, it fucking kills me. Someone like her doesn't deserve this, she doesn't deserve anything more than happiness.
"Just look at me, if you feel like it's too much, if you feel overwhelmed forget about everyone else in the room and just look at me, no one will be listening, it will be just you and me," I whisper hugging her tighter if that was even possible.
"Okay..." she nods against my body, her voice so quiet.
"And if that's not enough then I will burst in, pick you up into my arms and take you away while everyone is watching." I joke not sure if it's the moment or not but when I feel her body shake in response to her soft chuckle I know I did the right thing.
This is how she deserves to feel every second of every day. This is how I wish I could make her feel at all times. Happy.
"I don't think you are allowed to do that." She interlaces her fingers with mine, my hand flat against her stomach. "The guards will probably throw themselves at you."
"I don't care, I will fight every last one of them until I get to you." And that's I promise. Nothing will ever stop me from getting to her. I would do anything.
I would go through hell.
"Thank you, I needed this. You." I catch the honesty in her words but also the pain within them.
This, how we are in this exact moment, it's how we always should be. But right now, neither one of us is able to keep this up for that long. Too much stuff is going on for that and we are aware, I believe we both know that maybe being together right now isn't the healthiest thing but at the same time I don't think we care.
And it's true a part of me wishes I could let her go, allow her to find someone that truly deserves her. Someone that could give her peace, a family, and everything she has ever wanted. But I guess I'm too selfish for that and in a way, she must be too.
So we keep holding onto one another hoping that once this is over, we won't be too far gone to get back to how we once were.
Author's note
As always if you are here ty for reading and don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts!
And finally this chapter is dedicated to all of you, especially everyone who comments, it means the world to me. Special mention to @BlueberryKk6 your theories are so fun and they always make my day <3 I appreciate every one of you sm so ty, really.
Somewhat of a happy chapter, might seem weird now but I promise it will all make sense later, this explains a lot more than what it seems...
I almost have the next chapter ready and after that one the hard part comes, I have a pretty detailed plan in my head, I really hope I'm able to pull it through, I be overthinking about this at 5 am lol. I already know imma be stressed but I need this to be perfect.
You all already know, thoughts about this chapter, any theories, comment here <3
Much love,
Maria