*Dedicated to Natascha van Gaal, Ardhoniel Maetharanel Madhámar, & Claire Graf*
The sun was up as I walked around and took in the carnage of the aftermath of this battle. I paid little attention to the dead Uruk-Hai but the dead elves and men; some no older then children affected me greatly.
Legolas and the others were down on the ground still making bets on who won as the king was congratulated on a successful victory. Meanwhile, I made my way to the wall where most of my brethren lay slain. Something was pulling me there; I did not know what.
As I gingerly stepped over the bodies, I stopped dead in my tracks. I had to blink a few times to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I was. As a feeling of dread and denial washed over me, I suddenly realized what the pain in my chest had been earlier.
There, among his own soldiers, lay Haldir, his eyes open and unseeing. I drew in a sharp breath and ran to him, tripping over my own feet as I went. As I reached him, I heard a sound so feral and carnal, I had no idea where it came from until I realized it had come from my own mouth, deep inside my chest; my very heart and soul.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Haldir!!! NOOOOOO!!!
The scream that came out of me was so bloodcurdling and visceral that it sounded like it came out of a wounded animal on its last death throes. I collapsed and dragged his head and body into my lap; he was already cold......so so cold. I rocked back and forth holding his head and face pressed against my bosom; willing life back into his body.
As I continued to wail tortured tears, footsteps rushed towards me and stopped a few feet away. Legolas had scrambled to me as soon as he first heard my howl of pain. The tears streamed down my face and dripped in a flood all over his hair as I refused to let Haldir go.
The others watched in awe as they have never seen or heard an elf cry or mourn so loudly. I did not care who saw me. He was all mine and I would never let him go. How could this have happened? He was a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. He taught me to fight from an early age. How could things have gone so horribly wrong? Gimli being slightly confused, turned to Legolas and asked:
"But I thought she was betrothed to you laddie?" Legolas nodded sadly and then replied quietly:
"He was like a non-blooded older brother to her. He was her kin. They loved each other like brother and sister. Imagine losing that." The others nodded in understanding then.
"Go to her, Legolas; she needs you." Gimli said wisely then as Legolas slowly approached me.
He sank to his knees then and took me in his arms as everyone watched with sadness. He rocked me back and forth as I continued to moan and whisper:
"La tolo dan, tolo dan (please come back; bring him back)."
I brought my tear stained face then to meet my beloved's and he shook his head meaning he could not bring him back. I continued to sob uncontrollably in Legolas' arms as Mithrandir came up to us, bent over, and with his hand closed Haldir's eyes forever as I watched.
"And herein passes brave Captain of the Galadhrim, March Warden of Lothlorien, Haldir son of Orodreth. May his soul find peace in the halls of his ancestors." He said then looking at me kindly as I keened for him until I was hoarse.
I regained Mithrandir after thinking he was lost to me forever only to lose Haldir for eternity. But that is when I remembered something vitally important and stood up unsteadily on my feet weaving as Legolas lay Haldir's body back on the ground and helped me up.
As I used a kerchief I always had with me to wipe my face of tears, I noticed Aragorn step forward and drop to his knees before me, his head bowed. I looked at him puzzled as he began to speak:
"It is my fault he is dead, Princess. I called for a retreat and yelled for him to get his soldiers to the Keep. If I had not distracted him, he would have been prepared for the ambush. Do with me what you will, my life is in your hands." He bowed again.
"Please stand, Aragorn son of Arathorn." He did as he was told as the others watched.
"Look at me please." I said and he did such.
"None of this is your fault. You did the right thing by calling for a retreat. He would have perished one way or another on that wall. There were too many for him to handle and he always had the bad habit of trying to be in multiple places at once. This time it was his undoing." I gulped and shuddered as I tried to remain stoic for his and everyone's sake.
I felt as though I had aged 1000 years in just a few hours. I had seen Eowyn; Eomer's sister and niece of the king watching me curiously and with the same sense of awe. I had also seen her hug Aragorn post battle and knew immediately she was in love with him; though from the fact that he was still wearing Arwen's Evenstar pendant, the feeling was not mutual.
I had gotten news before I left for Helm's Deep that Arwen had been persuaded to join her kin save for uncle Elrond to sail to the undying lands. Somehow through my visions though, I knew that was not the end of it. I stepped toward Aragorn then and reached out and took the pendant in my hand and smiled softly at him as he looked at me with surprise and asked:
"Has something happened?" I winked at him then looked at Eowyn who looked at me wide eyed.
"There is always hope." I said to him cryptically, fingering the pendant before letting it go.
I was feeling very weak and knew only one source of healing; I withdrew Altherial from her holder, held her close to my heart and the runes started to glow as I felt a measure of strength return to me. I needed my familial help at that very moment for I did not know how to go on if I did not.
Just then I heard a loud neighing and saw Sunset leading the rest of the horses that we had hidden in the mountains towards us. He came to a halt not far from me as I walked over to him and gasped. He was covered with wounds and deep scratches. Despite my telling him to not engage, the Uruk-Hai must have found them and Sunset, his ocean blue eyes blazing took them on. I held his head in my hands as I saw bits and pieces of what happened.
All of a sudden before I was going to scold Sunset, I heard Mithrandir grunt. I turned toward him as he looked at Sunset for the first time with different eyes; those of Gandalf the White. Then he addressed me:
"Dearest Hedraliel, when pray tell were you going to tell me that Sunset is one of the Mearas?" I smiled at him then.
"I only found out myself the last time I was in Rivendell doing research. Since Mearas are always white stallions, I was not even sure it could be possible that a black stallion could be one. But his ocean blue eyes gave away that he was no ordinary steed. It turns out that Sunset is second in line of the Meara lineage. Shadowfax is the king and Sunset is the protector of all horses. I suppose it was truly meant to be that he and I connected as and when we did."
"Indeed, my dear, I believe it so." Mithrandir grunted again with his eyes softening.
Just as I was about to say something else to Mithrandir, I noticed Sunset had something in his teeth. When I looked closer, he did not need any instructions but spit it out; it was a part of an Uruk-Hai torso. As we all came to that realization, everyone was disgusted.
"Oh Sunset, why would you think of eating that? It could be poisonous!" I shuddered.
"Protein?" Gimli said shrugging as everyone looked at him with a grimace.
I looked Sunset over then to make sure he was not too injured but he seemed to be fine, considering his shallow wounds a badge of honor. As I walked around, I saw Aniror standing on the side; he was Haldir's steed. That is when I remembered what I had to do. I took a deep breath, realizing that we started with 200 elves and only 20 survived; myself and Legolas included.
The surviving elves were all those that were on that mountain with me for the counter offensive. It made me think that perhaps if Haldir was with me up there, he would be still alive as well. But the 'what ifs ' were of no use to anyone now. Fate had claimed him and I had to figure out in the time to come how I would live without him. In the meantime, I addressed King Theoden:
"Theoden King of Rohan; I would like to ask a favor of you and your people." He looked up at me confused.
"Anything. You and your kin sacrificed so much for us; just name it and tis yours." He said graciously.
"I know that you bury your dead and those who have fought with you with full honor but it is very important that I take my fallen brethren back with me especially Haldir as his father's tomb is located in Lothlorien and it was always his father's wish that if his son was to fall in battle, to bury them together. My request of you is to borrow your wagons so we can transport them back and bury them at home. We will return all of your wagons with interest as soon as we have gotten the bodies settled." I explained.
"As you wish. No need for the interest. We can manage until the wagons are returned." He said bowing to me as I returned the gesture.
He gave the order then and the villagers without hesitation handed over 50 wagons as the remaining Galadhrim loaded the bodies of their kin into the wagons. Only one wagon was left empty and it would carry Haldir by himself as a sign of respect.
Once he was loaded onto the wagon, I walked over and touched his face with my hand as tears once again pooled in my eyes and ran down my cheeks. Legolas never left my side for a moment. He helped me drape an elvish flag over Haldir's face and cover him properly with his own cloak.
"I am coming with you. You must not face this alone." Legolas said to me as I shook my head.
"No you are not. The Fellowship needs you, my love. I shall not be alone; Aunt Galadriel will be with me as will my uncle. I shall join up with you soon enough, so you will not even have time to miss me." I smiled through my tears, touching his face lovingly, so grateful to have him there with me even now.
"I just want to take your grief away. When you are in pain, it is unbearable for me to watch. For I cannot do anything about it." He said looking helpless. At that moment I loved him even more if that was remotely possible.
I hugged him then and kissed him softly though conveying my emotions in the kiss as we often did. I decided to tie Sunset to Aniror and ride him instead as he bore his master home one last time so Sunset's wounds would not get scratched further. We left some 50 ownerless steeds with the king as gifts for the villagers.
Then with a last look at those gathered around me including a last hug for Legolas, I mounted Aniror with the wagon bearing Haldir and Sunset tied off as the rest of the elves did the same. We waved at everyone and set off toward Lorien.
As we rode through the plains back toward home, I knew no matter what happened now......nothing would ever be the same again. My brother was gone; never to have his kind of love reciprocated.
And my own grieving process had just begun. The pain, as it would turn out, would be more then I think any species should bare.