"we'll never have sex"
by leith ross
" oh, you kissed me just to kiss me
not to take me home
it was simple, it was sweetness
it was good to know
you look perfect
you look different
i don't wonder about your indifference
if i said you can never touch me
you'd come over and say i looked lovely
oh, you kissed me just to kiss me
not to make me cry
it was simple, you are sweetness
let's just sit awhile
depollute me, gentle angel
and I'll feel the sickness less and less
come and kiss me, pretty baby
like we'll never have sex "
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"owner of a lonely heart"
season 2, episode 11
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
things between eleanor and alex had been great. seriously, eleanor had never been happier. he was sweet and funny, and he never pushed her boundaries. she knew that was the bare minimum, but it was a bare minimum she never had before. by now, everyone knew that eleanor and alex were dating. to be frank, most thought it was annoying. that's how happy they were, so happy that people thought it was obnoxious.
but they still hadn't had sex.
and it wasn't like alex was rushing her because he wasn't.
he really wasn't rushing her, in fact, he hadn't even brought it up.
but eleanor knew who alex was, and she knew he wasn't going to want to wait forever.
being a woman is like having a ticking time bomb attached to you, just waiting for you to finally put out.
that's how eleanor felt, anyway, not to say that it was particularly true.
she feared that she wouldn't be ready soon enough, that he would get tired of waiting and leave.
but she feared just as much that if she went too far, too soon, she'd never feel the same about him again.
so she was at a crossroads.
little did she know, alex wasn't even thinking about it.
i mean, he was thinking about it, they all think about it.
but he wasn't even worried about when she was going to be ready, he just liked spending time with her. she was the first girl to ever make him feel good, like he was worth something, and he didn't want to lose that.
but neither of them were the greatest at communication, so eleanor was avoiding him for the time being.
eleanor had been with addison on the quints case. despite it being with, well, addison, eleanor was really happy for the opportunity. it's not every day quintuplets are born with a variety of different health issues that need fixing.
"i have the best quint. lucy--she just smiled at me." george spoke up.
"george, she's 9 hours old." eleanor told him.
"i'm sayin' there are five babies here, and clearly, mine is the advanced one." george said.
"charlotte's smart. she's got wrinkles on her forehead--very serious." meredith added.
"guys, they were just born, it's not a competition. but if it was, emily would win because she's strong. she won't let go of my finger, she's got a good grip." eleanor said.
"hey, julie has her organs on the outside of her body, and she's still alive, thank you." cristina pointed out.
"kate's the best one." alex said as he walked in. "hey, elle,"
"yeah?" she turned to face him.
"are you okay?" he asked.
"why wouldn't i be?" she shrugged.
"oh, i dunno, it just felt like you were avoiding me a little bit and i wanted to be sure that we're cool." he shrugged.
"we're cool." she smiled.
"good. i gotta go check on something, can someone make sure kate's vitals remain stable?" he asked.
"i got it, you go." eleanor smiled.
"thanks." he said, planting a kiss on top of her head and walking out of the nicu.
"what was that about?" meredith asked.
"what was what about?" eleanor asked, confused.
"are you avoiding him?" meredith smirked.
"no, i'm not." she answered.
cristina gave her a look.
"okay, maybe i am a little bit. but it's not his fault, he didn't do anything, okay?"
"whatever you say, mcmental." cristina laughed.
"mcmental? seriously? i didn't think it got worse than mcperfect but somehow it does. do you guys seriously think i've gone mental?" eleanor asked.
"it's just. you're you, and he's him. you were mcperfect, but now i'm not so mcsure." cristina sighed in disappointment.
"alex is a good guy, okay? and i'm not mcperfect or mcmental."
"then why are you avoiding him?" meredith asked smugly.
"i hate you guys."
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eleanor had been on call the last two nights with the quints, and she was exhausted. she had worked tirelessly on emily, despite the fact that burke and addison knew she had no chance. it was like addison was punishing her for this whole thing by giving her this dying baby and telling her not to kill it. it was horrible. so she was tired, sad, angry--she was everything she didn't want to be.
and then he knocked. "hey, eleanor, it's me." he said through the door.
"come in." she sighed. she really wasn't in the mood to talk.
"hey--"
"look, alex, i'm sorry, but i really don't feel like talking about whether or not i'm avoiding you or if we're good because i'm so tired and i just really don't want to talk about it right now." she told him.
"okay." he nodded, sitting down beside her on her bed.
"okay?" she questioned.
"so we won't talk." he nodded.
"well i- i don't want to, you know, 'not talk' either. i'm tired and i'm not- i don't think i'm ready quite yet."
"i'm not trying to get in your pants right now, elle." he assured.
"good, that's uh, that's good." she chuckled, letting out a deep breath.
"i'm here because i've felt like shit all day, and all i could think about is how good being around you makes me feel." he told her. "you're the only person who has ever made feel halfway decent about myself, and i don't want to lose you."
she looked into his eyes for a couple of seconds after he said it, still silent, just taking in the words. that was probably the most open alex had been since they'd started going out, and she really admired that. she wrapped her arms around his torso and laid her head down on his chest, nuzzling herself into his body.
"i don't want to lose you either." she said quietly. "but i'm afraid i will. that's why i've been avoiding you."
"what? you're not gonna lose me, i-"
"i just keep thinking about it, you know, like what if i was wrong, what if i'm still not ready for this?" she said to him, sitting up to face him.
"then whatever, I'll wait until you are. i like you, elle, i really like you." he told her, grabbing her hands and squeezing it.
"my point is, you're not going to want to wait forever."
"honestly--i mean i'm serious and i don't ask this condescendingly--do you genuinely believe that you'll never be ready?" he asked her.
"no, but what if i did? because i know you, alex, and you might be able to wait for now but how long until it's too long? when will it become a dealbreaker? because i can't promise when i'm going to be ready, it could be tomorrow or it could be a long time from now, and i don't know."
"elle, you gotta stop. you can't just assume the worst thing is going to happen. because yeah, maybe it doesn't work out, but you can't create an issue over a what if, because what if you are ready and then you miss out on life because you were too scared of getting hurt? i'm not going to let you push me away. right now, i'm not worried about that, and you shouldn't be either."
"i'm sorry."
"you don't have to be sorry, it's okay. just come here, it's all okay." he told her.
she nodded and returned to her previous position with her head on his chest. he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.
"my quint died today." she mumbled.
"i made a mistake that killed a guy."
it was quiet for awhile, they both just stayed there embracing each other's presence.
"thank you for being here." she said.
"thank you for not pushing me away."
authors note,
wowooww i finally updated after a million years, that's crazy. thank you for all the love on this book, nearly 20k reads that's crazy that so many people have seen this let alone the amount that have actually read it.
a bit of self promo for a second, i just published another greys fic and it's for JACKSON AVERY so if you're into that you should check it out :)
I'll try and get some more updates for this book going :) ty guys.
also another note, i don't write smut and i'm not going to i don't like reading it and i don't like writing it, so despite the very candid talk about sex in this book i won't be going into any detail when it does happen. if ur gonna comment "robbed" and stuff when it does come up, i just don't really care LOL