"What's wrong?" Nate asks for the eighth time that shift.
"Nothing." I say, too scared to talk about it in case I choke on my emotions.
"Look," Nate says, "Sit down, will you? I'll get you a drink."
I do as I'm told and watch as he pours me and extremely large glass of wine. I try and pull myself together. I haven't seen Jordan for twenty-four hours and it's killing me.
I don't know where he's gone or what he's doing.
I need inside information. I need Nate to tell me it's all going to be okay. I know he probably won't. I know he doesn't like or trust Jordan. But I need someone who truly knows him, who has known him for ages to tell me I'm not insane.
It only dawns on me once Nate comes over I probably should have gone to Rory. Though I'm sure Rory would have just told me to sod off. His loyalty would be to Jordan, not to me.
"Talk to me." Nate says, giving me the glass of wine and sitting next to me.
"I don't know where to begin." I start. "Do you think it's possible for some to make you feel like you're the most incredible person in the world, and also like you're nothing at the same time?"
He looks at me. "We're talking about Jordan?"
I nod.
"You're important to him." He says. "I've known him a long time. Believe me, I think you might be the most important person to him."
"I don't know. He seems to be getting colder and colder the closer we get. I don't need to go official, some declaration or some great big, grand gesture. But I would just-"
"Like Jordan to give you an inch?"
"Yes. I don't know. I think so. Sometimes he acts like I'm nothing more than a means to an end, and other times he acts like he adores me."
"I mean those things can run concurrently. You can be both to him, he same way you can be happy and sad at the same time. I really think he's nuts about you. But most guys aren't good with the lovey-dovey stuff, you know? Especially not boys like Jordan."
"But why not? Why not with me? I'm not going to hurt him."
"Well, you know Jordan. He's a bit broken, isn't he? Lost his mum at a young age and then his brother. His dad is a bit of a bastard, his grandad is even worse. Camilla tried, she really did, but I don't think she held much weight, not really."
"But why does that mean he can be so off with me?"
Nate shrugs, "If the people who are suppose to love and protect you abandon you at a young age, I suppose you're going to build walls. He can't trust anyone 'cos everyone he's ever trusted has either died or hurt him. He doesn't have a family like you or I. Who knows what the hell that does to a person."
"But I'm not just anyone."
"You're right." Nate says. "Neither was I, and look what he did to me."
I start openly crying then.
Nate continues. "I used to let him sleep over when his dad would be particularly harsh. I'd be his escape. Everyone at school admired him, they wanted to be him, but no one trusted him. I did. I let him in. He knew how much I loved Claire but he still slept with her and then kept it a secret. She and I stayed together for year until I found out." He sighs, looking sad. "Some people are hurting so much they can't help but hurt everyone around them. They go through life smashing into things as they go, not caring about the destruction they leave behind."
I sniffle. "You really think that's Jordan?"
Nate puts his arm around me. "I do. Look, he's never had a girlfriend before. Sure, he's slept with loads of girls but he's certainly never introduced his dad to one or stayed faithful. It's not in his nature. His dad is a guy who would cheat on his mum so openly and verbally abuse her. His dad, the guy who brought another woman to his mums funeral like it was normal, like he was proud of it. Jordan hasn't exactly shown how to be healthy, has he?"
"No. I suppose not."
"No. Not at all. Yet through these last few months he's stayed faithful to you. He's stuck it out with you. He took you to see the bastard. Alright, he might have offered you up like a slaughter pig, but he still stood up for you and then stuck around. Even if he's mostly a dick."
"I don't think he's a dick. He's mostly sweet. There's just this side to him that's so dark, so cold."
"Yeah. Because if he lets you in, if he lets you love him the way you want, that runs a risk I don't think he'll ever be willing to take. Have you even told him how you feel?"
"Of course I have."
Nate looks at me. A no nonsense look. "No, Autumn. Have you told him you're in love with him?"
I shake my head. "How can I? Everytime I try he shuts me out. He doesn't care."
"He cares." Nate says, then he sighs. "I can see it, all over you, how you feel about him. But I don't think you're going to get what you want out of Jordan. Any other guy would be falling at your feet, but Jordan? He's too damaged to know what's good for him. He'll never let himself depend on you. It's too risky."
"I don't think I can go on like this. I feel like I'm getting whiplash."
Nate shrugs. "Then you'll need to be the girl I know you are and tell him. If he runs for the hills it's not you. Trust me. It's him."
I let Nate hold me for a bit. I can feel myself physically shaking. A violent thing, like convulsions. Nate's arm around me feels like the only thing holding me together. He sort of gently rocks me back and forth in a slow rhythm. It's extremely comforting.
We don't say anything for a long while. I feel like Nate would sit with me forever if that's what I needed.
I feel like I'm not even connected to myself, like I'm having an out of body experience, looking down at this poor girl who doesn't know her head from her arse.
"Thank you for always being there for me, Nate." I finally say.
Nate grins at me. "You've been one of the best things about this year, honestly. A best friend."
"Really?" I ask him. "I feel like I depend on your far more than you do me."
"Nah," He says, removing his arms and bumping his shoulder with mine. "Not possible. Work would be unbearable without you. Besides, I never told anyone else about my ex-girlfriend. You're the only person I've unburned myself to."
I sniffle, grinning. I reach out and take Nate's hand. "I'm really glad I have you."
He looks at my hand and then back to me. "I'm glad I have you too. Now come on, that freezer needs another opportunity to murder you. At least it will save you from feeling all this."
I laugh. "A girl can only dream."
"Just know, I'd be really upset if it were to take you out. I think I'd have to burn the whole place down."
"I think that's how mum felt about Jordan's family." I say, standing and stretching my legs out.
"Yeah, she and I probably have that in common. We'll go after anyone that hurts you."
I smile at him. "And vice versa. As soon as I get this ex-girlfriend's name I'm gonna turn up at her door and one punch her."
"A girl fight? I like it. A classic. But seriously. You need to tell Jordan what's going on. Who knows, maybe it will force him to confront what's going on with him? Maybe he'll finally open up too."
I lift a stool up and place it on the table. "Or I'm going to make him run a mile."
Nate shrugs, as he walks towards the broom cupboard. "At least you'll know you tried."
We talk about it, and other things, whilst we close up the pub. I feel better having talked about it with him, especially given his history with Jordan. It gives me a bit of clarity and steely reserve. I'm going to have to demand Jordan makes a decision.
We're either in this or we're not.
"Look, my sisters made me go to therapy after the whole Claire thing." He says as we lock the door and walk back to halls. "That's how messed up I was."
"I'm sorry."
"Actually, she was really great to talk to. She basically declared that it was Jordan and Claire who were fucked up, and I was just collateral in their wake. Which, in the end, I had to agree with. We spoke about them a lot, both as people who slept together and individuals. She gave me some real insight as to how Jordan might be feeling, what he might think."
"Really?"
"Yeah," He says. "He probably needs to go to therapy or something himself. A lot of dark shit goes on in his head. I reckon he slept with her because he found himself depending on me and he had to sabotage us."
I nod, agreeing.
"The thing is, he's never going to willingly tell you how he truly feels, probably scared shitless of how you'll react. If you want it to get resolved, you have to do it yourself."
We reach our door and hug, I feel like crying again but I don't. It's a long hug, probably looks weird to anyone who's passing by. When I pull back Nate rests his forehead on mine.
"Give him tonight, and then find him tomorrow. I'm sure it will be okay."
"Thank you," I tell him, as sincerely as I can.
"Any time."
We head upstairs in silence. I know I have to heed his words. I have to sort this out, we've been in this limbo long enough.