We only had two weeks of lessons before a five-day Thanksgiving break. I was going to go home to my family, which I didn't find particularly exciting. I was glad to be able to spend time in my hometown and to finally see Vic.
But I really hadn’t been missing my family that much, as much as insensitive that sounds. I don’t think I realized how badly, my parents especially, they affected my mental health.
I thought it was normal to feel somehow trapped in your own home, but it turned out it wasn’t.
My mom called me every other day, and I tried to keep it as short as possible each time. My dad, well, he didn’t really care. He always seemed to be uninterested in anything if not his job, football and passively following my mom’s orders and desires.
Sam was also going back home for a few days, to England.
“Have you been missing your family back home?” she asked me one day as she was lying next to me on her bed.
We hadn’t hung out like in the park anymore but I'd been going to her place a lot, and I’d stayed the night a few times. The most that had happened was, intense, let’s say, making out. But that was already way more than enough for me, at the moment.
“I think I’ve told you enough about them for you to imagine my answer to that” I chuckled.
“Okay yeah, you might be right. I hope it doesn’t get too unbearable, but it’s only four days anyway, right?”
“Yeah, luckily. I’m just excited to see my best friend, Vic”
“The one who you most definitely told every single detail of what’s been going on between us to?”
“I did not!”
“Mhh, I don’t think I believe you on that one” she turned her head to the side, facing mine.
“Well, that’s your problem” I joked.
“Are you gonna tell her about this too?” she asked, moments before pulling my body closer to hers and pressing her lips onto my neck, causing me to shiver all over.
“Probably not” I whimpered, closing my eyes to the blissful feeling. “Please don’t leave a hickey just when I need to see my family, though”
“It’d go away by then. But I won’t, I told you that was a one time accident” she lifted her head, smirking as she moved her lips from my neck to my own lips.
“You never know” I said, gripping her hips. “What about you? Happy to go back home?”
“I really don't know. I guess so. Haven’t been since last Christmas so I am missing it a bit. My parents love hearing stories about life here in New York and bragging about their genius daughter who at the young age of 30 is a university professor”
“That is quite the accomplishment, though”
“I’m not saying it isn’t. It’s just the way they talk about it. As if me actually getting my shit together compensates for their extremely boring life. And they often do it to make my sister feel like she isn’t doing anything with her life, which I hate.”
“You have a sister? You’d never told me” I said, surprised to gather that piece of information.
“Yeah, I guess it’s just never come out in a conversation. She’s called Lauren and she’s 22. Or 23. I can never remember”
“That’s cool. You must be happy you get to see her, at least”
“Oh, of course. She said she’d come and visit here sometime but I always told her I was too busy because, well, I didn’t really want her to see me in the conditions I was in up ‘til a while ago. We’ll probably arrange something in the next few months”
“That’s nice” I said, rolling onto my side.
“I’d say I’m happy to go back, yeah” she also got onto her side, her raven hair spreading on my pillow.
“At least you won’t have to lie about who I’ve been spending time with” I chuckled.
“Isn’t your female college professor quite similar to a good Christian boy at the end of the day?”
“I wouldn’t really say so” I laughed, playfully smacking her arm.
“Plus, I’ll only technically be your professor for this year”
“True. That’s good though, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Depends. I like seeing you sitting in class three times a week while struggling to follow the lesson”
“First of all, you could literally see me everyday if you wanted. And you’d probably be able to see me in college even if not in class, anyway. Also, I’m perfectly capable of following your lessons now” I nervously said, realizing I myself didn’t sound convinced by the last sentence.
“Whatever helps you sleep at night” she scoffed, moving her face a few inches from mine. “I know I make you nervous, you’re not really good at hiding it” she added in a lower voice tone.
I gulped, feeling heat rise to my face and surprised at the sudden attitude.
Maybe she wasn’t completely wrong, since even in the next few weeks Mei asking me if I was okay during Sam’s lessons because of me visibly struggling was a recurring event during them.
I ended up getting 90% in two of my exams and 96% in the other. Guessing which one was the last one is pretty easy.
Which still made me feel quite guilty, especially because Mei got a 75%. She wasn’t that pissed about it because she thought she’d done worse, but still.
The two of us took the train to get back home together once Thanksgiving had arrived, since she had to get to my town to arrive.
Once we got off I walked to her bus stop with her and headed home, mentally preparing myself to become a whole different person once I walked through the door.
I desperately wished it could be the following evening, when I’d finally get to meet Vic, skipping the whole Thanksgiving situation of the day after.
“Hello, my darling!” my mom greeted me as I entered the house.
The familiar scent of wall paint mixed with food which had probably been cooking since the afternoon immediately made me feel as if I’d never even left the place.
“Hey mom” I smiled, taking my coat off.
“Oh, how was the journey? Have you had something to eat?” she said, seeming not willing to let me move until I’d answered her question.
“It was fine, and yeah, I ate a sandwich on the train, I'm good. How are you? Where’s dad?”
“Good. Just tell me if you want anything else, we have tons of food. I’m the same as I was when you left honestly, nothing much has changed. Your dad is…probably asleep on the couch…”
“Typical” I laughed.
“John!! Ellie’s here!” she screamed.
“Mom, you don’t have to-”
“Oh! Oh, I’ll be right there” I heard my dad’s voice with a confused tone coming from the living room.
I later on used the “I’m tired” move to go upstairs to my room and have one of the last peaceful moments I was probably going to have in those few days.
I randomly decided to text Sam, even if she was probably already in London by then and it was more or less 4am for her.
you: heyy, i guess you’ve already arrived by now. hope your journey was good :) already miss you
I fell asleep pretty quickly, and the morning after I checked the time on my phone soon after waking up. I saw that Sam had replied to my text a few hours later I’d sent it.
sam:) : Journey was fine, I guess. Hope yours was too. I don’t really celebrate it but I think you certainly do, so happy Thanksgiving! Hope you know I’m thankful for you. Miss you too.
That single text had provoked me so much joy that I almost felt tears forming in my eyes for some reason. I replied thanking her and saying I was also thankful.
I knew my parents were used to me getting up at like 11 so I decided to stay in my room until then, since the rest of my family was going to arrive at noon anyway.
I called Vic and we arranged to meet that evening, we needed to do a lot of catching up.
Once the time had come to get ready and look decent for my family I got up from bed and picked an outfit from the clothes I’d left there. I needed to dress in a conventionally more feminine way when with them to avoid annoying comments, so I pulled out a white shirt and a turquoise skirt I hadn’t worn in ages from my closet. But I could deal with it for a day.
Something else my parents decided to ignore about me was the fact that I’d stopped eating meat, which was about half of the food we had on the table, but I really didn’t want to start a fight about something like that so I just ate whatever I could.
I didin’t have an enormous family, just my parents, my mom’s parents and my dad’s brother. Sometimes I envied those who have huge families who have big fun ceremonies for every occasion, but other times I felt like a more intimate and calm setting was better.
I was bombarded with all the questions I avoided the previous evening, which I was expecting would happen.
“How’s life in a city as big as New York?” “Are you the smartest in your class? I bet you are” “Do you miss it here?” “Is living alone not as difficult as it seems?”
My brain felt like it was about to explode, and when my grandma asked the one question I was hoping no one would ask I really thought I was capable of actually combusting.
“So, have you met any nice Christian boys?” she said in such a naive and innocent voice that I almost regretted feeling so infuriated.
“Uhm, I’ve been concentrating on studying at the moment…I’m sure I have time in the future” I mumbled, feeling everyone’s gaze on me.
“Good, can’t wait for that moment, then” she excitedly said.
“Speaking of…” my dad cleared his throat. “We were thinking of going to mass this evening, if you want to join”
Not going to mass was another item on the “To be ignored list”.
“I’ve actually arranged to meet with Vic later this evening, so maybe another time” I hesitantly said.
I also really didn’t want to risk bumping into my ex, since he most definitely was going to be there.
“Oh, right, she’s come back too'' my mom said.
My parents never really liked Vic and I had a few ideas on why, but they knew she was the closest friend I’d ever had so they'd stopped complaining about her a while back.
I hadn’t felt as happy as I did when I met up with her that evening, in the park we'd spent most of our highschool time in.
“Hi!!” she said while walking towards the bench where I was waiting for her, looking as radiant as usual.
“Oh my god, hi!” I jumped, immediately hugging her. “How are you?”
“Good, I’m good. Gosh, I’m so happy to see you” she excitedly said, hugging me back.
“I love how we’re able to wear matching clothes even without arranging it beforehand” I laughed, pointing at our very similar denim jackets.
“Always knew we were somehow connected” she said as we sat on the bench.
The air was cold but not unbearable. I felt a weird sense of belonging, something I hadn’t experienced in a while.
“It feels as if we never even left this place, doesn’t it?” she asked.
“Was about to say the same thing. It feels so weird. Nothing has changed but so much has changed since the last time we were here”
“Yeah” she chuckled. “We have a lot to catch up on. Even if you’ve already told me most of your adventures with your college professor. Who would have known that out of the two of us something like that would happen to you”
“Vic!” I shook my head, laughing.
“Can’t say I’m wrong, though” she shrugged.
I eventually filled in all the details about Sam I already hadn’t told her, especially during the past month. And she talked to me about her college life, her new friends, her flirt with her roommate who is apparently “too similar” to her to let anything happen but it was written on her face that she was hoping it would.
A few hours went by and before we could even realize it was pitch dark outside.
We ended up spending most of the next days together, making most of the time we had to actually see each other.
Christmas was a month away so I wasn’t too sad when we split up at the station the day we left, but I still knew I was going to miss her like mad.
Even if I had a bunch of new friends, no other person would reach Vic’s level. It sometimes seemed to me that moments with her were the only ones I felt like my true self. And I’d missed that so much, even if leaving home and not having to act like a completely different person everyday to make my parents happy definitely made that problem better.
Sam was close to making me feel that way, but I’d known her for so little time that it was difficult to understand. Even if I sometimes forgot it’d only been a few months since we first met.
Keeping up with her was harder during those days because of the six-hour time zone between us, but we managed to text everyday.
She didn’t tell me much about what her plans were back in England. I couldn’t remember the exact name of her town but she’d told me it was like half an hour from London, so I had a vague idea of where it was. I was never good at geography.
Anyway. She hadn’t told me much about what she was going to do, who she was going to see. And they don’t even celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK.
I was hoping to see her as soon as we came back from break.
It surprised me a lot when we got a communication saying all lessons with Sam were canceled for the week, just the evening before starting them.
I almost immediately texted her, wanting to make sure she was okay.
you: hey, i saw you canceled your lessons. everything okay?
sam:) : Yeah, all good. I have jet lag and must have gotten a cold back home, so not really in the right state to give lessons.
you: oh, hope you feel better soon then :) let me know if you’d like me to stop by your place sometime
I shouldn’t have fully believed her from the moment she left my second text on read, but I thought she just must have been feeling too ill to reply.
I should have realized something was off when I once again didn’t hear from her for three days. I kept thinking she probably still wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to disturb her.
But I just wanted to make sure she was okay. Everything had been going so well between the two of us and I hadn’t done anything that could have upset her. So I decided to stop by her place when coming back from college on the fourth day of not hearing anything from her.
I knocked on her front door, my hands slightly shaking.
It took so long for Sam to open it that I was about to give up and just start climbing the stairs.
As she appeared in front of me her face looked as if I was the last person she was expecting to see. Surprised to say the least.
“Hey” she said, moving to cover the inside of her flat from me. I swore I saw empty bottles on the table for a second.
“Hi, uhm, I Just wanted to make sure you were okay…I was starting to get worried. And, well, I miss you” I said, facing the floor.
"Oh. I've been missing you too" she smiled. "I'm still not feeling great, though. I… uhm, maybe we can talk tomorrow? Same time works for me" she cleared her throat.
"I'm sorry to hear that. And sure, I guess so" I said.
I wasn’t sure if I should have gone in for a kiss, something I really wanted at that moment, but she didn’t look quite in the mood for that.
As much as I tried not to worry too much, I couldn’t help but be frustrated at the fact that Sam kept behaving like that every once in a while. I somehow sensed she didn’t just have a cold or whatever she said she had. But I wanted to believe I was just feeling uselessly paranoid about it.
Turns out I wasn’t. The following day I showed up at the exact same time and this time she looked definitely less confused when seeing me.
“Hey, come in” she said, leaving room for me to enter the flat, which was looking less messy than I saw it for a second the day before.
“You feeling better?” I asked, sitting on the couch.
“I need to talk to you” she abruptly said, closing the door and walking towards me.
“Uhm, okay…what’s up?” I started to nervously play with my hands.
“I didn’t tell you the truth. When I said I was ill. I mean, I did have jet lag but that wasn’t the main problem.” she sat next to me.
“I somehow sensed that” I shifted my position to give her more space.
“I…back home…my friends can be stupid and they didn’t do anything to prevent me getting really drunk one night. And I hooked up with a guy. But I felt guilty about it after. Like really guilty. Because I knew I’d promised you I’d try to get my shit together. But at the end of the day I also can be stupid and tried to numb the feeling by gettting even more drunk the following days. I’ve been a mess ever since, my anxiety skyrocketed. And I know it’s completely my fault, so I can’t complain. I’ve been thinking about you all this time and how much this isn’t fair on you.”
“Oh. I-” I started to say, not even sure about what I actually was going to say since my heart felt like it had just sunk to my stomach.
“You don’t need to say anything. I know I’ve already said this, and that stuff was going great between us. But if you feel like you need some time away from me…I understand” she sighed.
“Is this you trying to tell me you need time away from me?” I asked, trying to contain the tears I felt were approaching my eyes.
“Absolutely not. I swear that I wish nothing of this had happened. But I understand if it upsets you”
I really had no right to be mad at her since we weren’t even together, but recent events had me thinking we were going in that direction. And I also knew she’d told me what her situation was and I said I was fine with it. But deep down we both knew I wasn’t, at least not completely.
“Well,” I struggled to speak. “I just need a few days…. I don’t know what to think right now”
“That’s fine” she said, her eyes appearing to be shinier than usual. But I know she wouldn't let herself cry in front of me. She never did.
I soon after walked out of the apartment and finally allowed myself to cry, I didn’t even know if it was because of frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, or a mix of all.
I was starting to think that all of those things Sam had told me that time we kissed in the bar were true. Maybe age difference really was an obstacle. Maybe we were really in two very different places in life. I still struggled to believe she even wanted anything to do with me.
And she’d warned me about her struggles on more than one occasion. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t completely clueless to what she told me.
Imagining her hooking up with some random person made me feel physically ill and like I was on the verge of crying.
But no matter what I couldn't help but feel nothing but dread imagining a near future without her. She’s been one of the main thoughts in my mind for the past months, I didn’t even know someone could have such a hold on you just by…existing.
I just needed a few days to figure out what I really wanted.
Trying to live normally with all of this going on in my head was hard, especially acting normal when with Mei, which was most of the time, and especially attending Sam’s lessons. For the first time ever I took proper notes during them, since I attempted to do anything that wouldn’t lead to us making eye contact.
The following weekend I finally had clear enough ideas to talk to her. I texted her beforehand and once again showed up at her doorstep.
“I’ve thought a lot about this” I said after we’d greeted each other and I walked in.
Sam looked better mentally than a few days before. Like, more serene.
“I guess it’s my turn to listen now, then” she faintly chuckled, stepping closer to me.
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel sad after what you told me the other day. And knowing me I wouldn’t be able to bear something like that often. I know you warned me, but I know myself and how paranoid I can get.”
“But I also know that I really, really like you” I continued. “I don’t know what you’ve done to me but there’s not a moment I’m not thinking about you”
I saw her eyes suddenly lighting up.
“So what I’m trying to say is that I’d like to keep spending time with you. But only if you- we both actually, properly communicate everything we’re feeling and every problem we might have. That’s all I need. Good communication” I finished.
“I think I can do that” she grabbed my hands. “Even if I might have given you a different impression. But I can, if it means you not completely disappearing from my life”
“Okay” I smiled, feeling my hands shaking in hers.
It felt weird to be the one “in charge” for once. Sam usually was the one to speak up and I’d never been the kind of person to express my feelings so clearly.
But it felt necessary at that moment, especially because both of our mental well beings depended on it and I was starting to grow frustrated because of the situation.
“I’m sorry if I put you through an unnecessary amount of stress. It shouldn’t be like that” she said with a broken voice, unexpectedly hugging me.
“Don’t worry. We figured stuff out now, that’s what matters” I comforted her, hugging her back still not realizing she was showing her vulnerability for the first time.
We stood there in silence for a while, as I suddenly felt a damp spot forming on my shoulder, where Sam’s face was leaning on.
---------
2 weeks later
“I’m so glad this week is over” Mei said as we walked out of campus.
Winter was approaching and days were getting shorter, so it was already dark by 5 pm, the time we usually got out of class. And it was starting to get colder too, but I was already used to the East Coast weather.
“Yeah, it was quite…exhausting” I wrapped my scarf around my neck, trying to warm up as much as I could.
“We should do something this weekend to relieve all the stress” she chuckled, as I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket.
sam:) : Are you able to come to my office, like right now?
Everything had been going as if nothing even happened in the past few weeks. Once again. But I wasn’t complaining, of course.
I stopped walking while reading the text without even noticing, causing Mei to ask me what was wrong.
“Uhm, I think I left my…my wallet in class” I improvised.
“Oh shit, you want me to come and look for it with you?” she also stopped.
“No, it’s fine, I’m pretty sure I know where I left it. I…I took it out to grab my pencil case and must have not put it back in. I don’t want to waste your time” I said, trying to seem as honest as I could.
“Uh, okay then. Let me know if you find it then” she said, luckily not insisting too much.
“Sure thing, I’ll text you” I said.
you: yeah, sure. i don’t know where it is though hahaha
sam:) : Third floor of east wing building
you: be right there, should i be worried?
I was joking but not really. I kept wondering what on earth she needed to tell me so urgently that she couldn’t wait until the evening until I got to the office door.
I knocked and heard a firm “Come in” coming from inside the room.
I opened the door and found myself in a spacious room with white walls, bookshelves all over them, and a brown desk at the extremity opposite the entrance.
Sam was sitting behind it, wearing the same formal attire I saw her in a few hours before.
“Here you are” she said, a smile forming on her face.
“Hi!” I said, walking towards the desk. “What’s up?”
“I’ve just been thinking about something for a while now and was scared I’d bail out if I waited any longer to ask” she got up, walking to the side of the desk I was standing in front of. I sometimes forgot there was a height difference between the two of us, and the fact that she was pretty much always wearing heels made it more noticeable.
"Well, now I wanna know what it is" I took her hands into mine.
That had kind of become our thing. Holding hands anytime we got minimally close to each other. It gave me a sense of comfort.
"I was wondering…if maybe we could go somewhere one evening. Like, for dinner. Like, on a date"
That took me so off guard that I must have looked at her with the widest eyes I’d probably looked at anyone with. The fact that she’d actually used that word made me feel a strange sense of satisfaction.
“You look like you just saw a ghost” she raised an eyebrow.
“No, uhm, sounds pretty good to me. I’d be glad to” I said.
“Yeah?” she smiled, cupping my face with her hand.
“Yeah” I smiled back, allowing her lips to briefly press on mine.
“Does tomorrow evening work?” she asked, her face just a few inches from mine.
I was internally praying that no one would casually storm into the room, even though I’d made sure I’d closed the door behind me.
“Sure” I kissed her.
“Great” Sam said, a smile still planted on her face. “Want a ride back home? There’s barely anyone around by now, I don’t think anyone will notice” she asked.
author's note:
i didn't realize how long this chapter was until i started editing it lmao hope you enjoyed itt (sorry for the suffering but i promise sam and ellie have good times coming ahead <3)
also thank you soo much for 10k reads, i genuinely thought no one would read this story before i started publishing it, i'm glad i was wrong :')