A/N: picture credit to @/marshcap on Twitter
Took the breath from my open mouth
Never known how it broke me down
I went in circles somewhere else
Shook the best when your love was home
Storing up on your summer glow
You went in search of someone else
"Ellie, where are we?" Maya asked as they walked along the beach together, hand in hand. It had been so long and Maya could swear that she was dreaming but wasn't sure. She could see the gears turning in her sister's head. "Eleanor..."
Ellie stopped walking, her blue eyes looking into Maya's identical ones. "Where do you think, Mai? I'm here, aren't I?"
"Oh."
Maya had heard the stories of people in limbo. It broke her heart to hear them. But was this really where she was? Or could it be like in her dreams of the beach and she was really sleeping soundly next to Carina? She found herself sitting on the pier, overlooking the ocean, with Ellie sitting next to her. It pained her to see her sister; the feeling was mutual.
"I need to go back, El," Maya said, breaking the silence between them. "I need to go back and apologise to Carina. God, I've been so terrible."
Ellie sighed, placing a hand on Maya's shoulder for comfort. She had watched as her sister met Carina, opened up to her, fell in love with her, and married her. She was there for all of it. If she was being honest, she brought them together, though neither woman knew that. Their relationship was so pure, and Ellie could have only wished for something like that to happen to her sister. She knew that Maya had struggled with emotions and relationships, her insecurities flying to the surface, but Carina broke down all her walls. It wasn't easy - she knew - but watching them get married was Ellie's favourite moment.
"I agree, Mai, you shouldn't be. I've been watching. Carina doesn't leave your bedside. Andy's been staying too. You need to go back, for them."
"But Carina... We've been arguing. I know you've seen it. I've been so horrible to her lately. I can't take any of it back and it's killing me."
"You know... An apology can go a long way, Mai," Ellie said, referencing the words that Jack had used when Maya had made one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She still regretted it to this day. "But just so you know... I forgive you, for everything."
Maya looked down and started playing with her fingers. "Why, El? It was my fault."
"My actions and my decisions could never be your fault, Maya. I chose to do what I did. I chose to leave."
"You were so young. You didn't deserve any of what was happening to you. Dio mio, I wish I did more!" Maya exclaimed, not even noticing the Italian that flew out of her mouth.
Ellie raised an eyebrow. She knew that people in love would pick up on each other's body language, but actually speaking their language? That was new and she'd have to ask, but not now.
"I'll emphasise it again. It wasn't your fault, Mai, it never could be."
Maya sighed, turning to hug her sister. It had been years - too many - since she had been able to do this. It was the night Maya's father had made her run the twenty miles home from the track. She had come in second place, but it wasn't enough. It never would be. When she got home, she was met with her mom's tear-stained face and Mason wasn't talking. They had found Ellie in the bathtub, soaking in her own blood. Maya still remembers the agonising scream she let out when her mom relayed the news. A part of her had been lost that night and Maya didn't know if she would ever recover. She knew that her sister's actions had been pushed by their dad's abuse. He focused so much on Maya's training that her siblings had become neglected. She didn't want it to affect their relationship, and it didn't. Well, at least not with Ellie. Mason was a whole other story.
"But I contributed to it. I'm so sorry."
"I've already forgiven you a long time ago, Mai. I love you," Ellie said as she hugged her sister, hoping that Maya could find her way back to her soulmate and true love.
And I hear your ship is comin' in
Your tears a sea for me to swim
And I hear a storm is comin' in
My dear, is it all we've ever been?
Carina felt tears rolling down her cheeks as she listened to what Meredith was explaining to her. It had been almost a year of Maya being in a coma and her wife was still in a coma. The doctors were able to work on Maya's nerve function and the function in her limbs while she was in a coma, but they wouldn't be able to tell if there were any other underlying issues until Maya woke up. Amelia was frustrated. All of Maya's brain scans came back clean; there was nothing out of the ordinary. Carina felt Andy and Jo on each side of her, both attempting to comfort their Italian friend.
"Carina, I'm so sorry but I don't know what else to tell you," Meredith said, hanging her head. It had been draining on all of them, mostly Carina, but Maya was everyone's friend. She knew that her experiences weren't the same, but after Derek died, she also hadn't been the same. She knew that any news she gave would break Carina and Carina had been through enough bad things already.
Maya needed to be OK. She didn't have anyone else. Her mom was gone, so was Andrew, and her dad was so checked out he didn't even know that Carina had gotten married. Maya, her sweet, broken Maya was all she had left.
"Can she survive another month on the vent?" Andy intervened. She had been at the hospital just as much as Carina was, not wanting to leave either one of them.
Meredith nodded. "I know what you're thinking, Herrera, and I agree."
"Carina..." Andy started. "I know you don't want to hear this, but how about we make a plan of keeping Maya for one more month and then at 7pm when the month is over..."
When the month is over and my wife is officially dead. When I am a widow. All because she decided to go running on the treadmill. It wasn't even a fire.
"O-okay," Carina said shakily, not tearing her gaze away from her wife. She didn't want to believe it was true. Was she really making a plan for her wife's death? They had only been married for two years, together for four in total. It wasn't what she wanted. She wanted a lifetime with Maya, not just four years.
She was crying silently, holding Maya's hand while Andy comforted her from behind. Neither of them could believe that this is where they had ended up. This was Maya Bishop. She had won a gold medal on a sprained ankle, become the first female captain of Station 19 and youngest captain in history. She was the one that took on all the responsibilities after Andrew had died, and had helped Andy through her separation with Robert. She was there for Travis and Vic and Dean and Ben and Jack and Emmett. They were her family, and they couldn't bear witness to watch their family member slowly fade away. But they also knew that they hadn't been acting like a family lately, all of them too invested in their own personal lives to notice Maya's struggles. The guilt was eating them alive, but they wanted to be strong for Carina.
Since she and Maya had gotten together, the team considered Carina a part of their family. It made her feel welcome and at peace, especially after Andrew's death. Now she didn't know what she'd do without them.
Carina looked back at Maya, sobbing. "Bambina... Please come back to me. I really need you. I'm so sorry we fought, amore mio. I just need you to come back to me. Per favore, Maya, per favore. Ti amo tante."
Caught the air in your woven mouth
Leave it all I'll be hearing how you went
In search of someone else
They taught the hand that taut the bride
Both our eyes locked to the tide
We went in circles somewhere else
Maya watched, helplessly, as Carina spoke to her. She wanted nothing more than to run into her wife's arms and hold her tight, never letting go. "Oh, Carina..."
Ellie rubbed her sister's back. "You need to go back."
"I know, I know," Maya sniffled. "But I have one request."
Ellie looked at her.
"Do you know if Andrea is here? I need to talk to him."
Maya looked down, hoping that Ellie would be able to give her an answer, but a voice surprised her.
"I'm right here, Maya."
"Andrew!" Maya exclaimed, hugging him. They had developed a close relationship and were friends before he died. "I need your help."
They started walking along the beach, having quickly fallen into step with each other. Ellie had opted to stay on the pier, not wanting to interrupt them. She and Andrew had met several times before to discuss Maya and Carina's relationship, but neither sister had to know.
"How do I get back?"
Andrew sighed. "It's not that easy, Maya. If it were, you'd be back already."
"I have to get back, Andrew. For your sister. I know you've seen us lately and I am so humiliated with the way I've been treating her."
"It's just your coping mechanism, Maya," he said.
She shook her head. "Don't try to make me feel better. I know I've been a shit wife lately. I was going to apologise. I had the text. But Andy interrupted me. Tell me, how is Carina? I know you can see."
They stopped walking and Andrew's shoulders fell back. "It's not good, Maya. She's always with you. Jo and Andy get her to eat and drink as much as they can, but you know how stubborn she is. I know it's hard for you, but we need to get you back."
"I know," Maya nodded. She just didn't know how.
"Do you still want kids?"
Maya looked at him, confusion striking her face. "Of course I do I-"
"Maya you have to be serious here."
"I want this so bad. I want a little Carina to count all my blessings on. I want to watch Carina hold our baby and help me figure it out because everyone knows that kids and I don't mix. But I want this. Before Carina, I never never wanted kids. But now... Now I can't imagine my life without them. Plus, we need a son so we can name him after you."
Andrew nodded, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. He knew how much Maya wanted it, but she needed to admit it to herself out loud.
Suddenly they spotted a ripple in the ocean. They could hear Carina's sobs as Andy and Jo whispered quiet nothings to her.
"W-what's going on?" Maya asked, walking in between Andrew and Ellie. She had heard the sobs and her heart broke in two.
The two of them held onto Maya as they walked closer to the ocean, hoping that the blonde wouldn't fight them. They shared a glance, knowing exactly what was happening, but they couldn't say anything or it would hinder Maya's journey.
"You have a choice, Mai," Ellie said.
Maya looked at her, blue eyes piercing blue. Oh. The tug in Maya's heart kept getting bigger and she glanced between her sisters and Carina's sobs. She had to choose which happiness she wanted. Sure, she and Carina had lots to talk about, but Carina was her home. That would never change.
"Wh-what happens to you?" She asked, tears in her eyes as she looked at her sister, taking her in and committing her to memory. " I don't want to lose you again, El."
Ellie pulled Maya for a hug. "You won't lose me, Mai. I'll be right here."
Maya nodded. "I love you so much, Ellie-bell."
"I love you, Mai. Now go back to your wife."
Maya hugged Ellie again, before also hugging Andrew. Then she took a deep breath and followed the ripple in the ocean, closing her eyes while darkness overcame her.
And I hear your ship is comin' in
Your tears a sea for me to swim
And I hear a storm is comin' in
My dear, is it all we've ever been?
Carina watched as the clock moved slowly. Each hour she felt heavier than the last, knowing that if Maya didn't wake up by 7pm, that was it. Why won't she wake up? Does she not want to see me anymore? Is she already dead? I need her to come back.
"Hey, Carina," Jo said as she put a cup of coffee and a bag of food in front of Carina, knowing she needed to eat. She then sat in the other chair in the room that Andy usually occupied, but she knew Andy had gone to shower and would be back soon.
Carina looked up, her eyes bloodshot. Shakily, she drank her coffee and at the sandwich Jo brought, her hand never leaving Maya's. It wasn't the same situation as with her brother, but being by Maya's side relieved her anxieties. Diane had actually come by a few times to talk to Carina about her fears and gave her some healthy coping mechanisms to try. It had been helpful. She just wished that this wasn't the situation.
She and Maya were supposed to be together forever. They were supposed to raise their kids, celebrate their anniversaries, meet their grandchildren, and then die when the time was right. It was them against the world, forever. But life doesn't always give you what you want, does it? Carina knew that. She knew how unpredictable life was, her mother's death having been the first real heartbreak she endured.
"It's almost time, Carina," Meredith announced as she walked into the room. Andy and Jo looked up, both sharing a look and wishing they could take the pain away from Carina. But that wasn't possible. They looked at the clock, seeing that it was thirty minutes from 7pm. Everyone had been hoping they wouldn't reach this point, but it wasn't looking too good in Maya's favour. It had been a year since the accident and being put in a medical coma. Amelia felt the guilt bubbling in her stomach. It was her job to help patients, and she had tried, but Maya just wouldn't wake up. She knew how much Carina was grieving and as a friend she knew that Carina needed her, but she couldn't bring herself to step foot into Maya's room unless she was on-call. The guilt was just too much but Teddy had reassured her that she had done everything she could.
Carina could feel her heart breaking. Her home was leaving her. Tonight. She could barely stand witness for that. Time felt so slow as she watched the clock, still holding Maya's hand. Suddenly she felt a pressure that hadn't been there before. Widening her eyes in shock, she could feel pulses. Maya was moving. Amelia ran in once Andy relayed the news.
"Maya... Can you move your fingers for me again?" She asked, watching carefully as the blonde did what she said. Carina felt like she could breathe again. Maybe Maya was finally coming back to her.
It took a few more minutes of coaxing, but Maya's eyes finally opened. She turned carefully and saw Carina watching her with tears in her eyes. "Carina."
"Oh, bambina," Carina cried, hugging Maya gently. "Mi sei mancato così tanto, amore mio. I missed you."
Maya frowned, looking at Carina and Amelia. "How long was I out?"
"A year, Maya. It's been a year."
Anchor up to me, love
Anchor up to me, love
Anchor up to me, love
Oh, anchor up to me
My love, my love, my love
"Welcome to the world, my sweet little Andrea," Maya choked as she cradled her newborn daughter. Carina had just given birth to her and Maya was thrilled. She was everything she ever wanted: a little Carina to count her blessings on.
Carina smiled as she watched Maya hold their daughter, both of them watching the sleeping baby. They were happy. And for once in their lives, that was the truth.
The year after Maya had come back was nothing less than tough. The physical therapy on her ankle and knee had worked, but some of the nerves in her ankle still needed extra help. She had a surgery to help reduce the swelling and didn't fight the doctors when they said she would need knee surgery since it hadn't gotten to 100% mobility; it was fine afterwards but she was still careful with whatever weight she put on it. Her wrist was a bit more tricky, but Link was able to help Maya regain 89% mobility with it so she couldn't complain. She had continued the physical therapy for it and with a lot of reassurance and guidance, she had begun talking to Diane regularly to find other, more healthy ways to cope with her anxieties.
Chief Ross had fired Beckett for negligence and he was under investigation; Andy had been chosen to be temporary captain while applications were submitted for the position. Maya had a feeling that she wouldn't be able to fulfill her dream, and it scared her, but maybe she needed this new outlook on life. After all, she had come so close to death.
She and Carina talked about the next steps for their family, after a few sessions that Maya had with Diane, and they were ready to try again. Which is how Andrea, or Annie, came to be. Luckily, everything worked out on their first try which was something both women were happy with. But now Annie would have both of her moms more readily available.
Six months after the accident while Carina was three months pregnant, Maya had made the painful decision to retire from firefighter, a decision that hadn't been chosen quickly. It happened after her surgeries and when Link told her that her wrist wasn't going to reach full function. It wasn't enough to scare her about holding her daughter, but it scared her to think about fighting fires with part of her arm not working. So before Annie was born, Maya explored other career options. A lot of her backups required her to use her hand, but she had finally found one that she could be satisfied with, even if it was temporary until she found another one. She had decided, after many sessions with Diane unlearning all her childhood trauma, to become the track and field coach at the high school. Maya didn't want any child to go through what she did and this way, she could spend more time with Annie. Carina was shocked at first, but was happy that Maya could have something she enjoyed, even if it was from the sidelines. She knew that Maya was scared she'd end up like her dad, but Maya had proven everyone wrong. Including herself.
"She's adorable you guys," Andy gushed. She and Maya had made up, burying their past completely. She and Jack had gotten back together, something which Maya knew was happening. "What's her name?"
Maya smiled, looking up toward the ceiling with a few tears in her eyes. "Andrea Eleanor Lucia DeLuca-Bishop. Named after Carina's brother and mother and my little sister."
"The ones who helped bring you back to me, amore mio," Carina said, nudging Maya slightly. She had listened to Maya talk about the beach and how they had helped her 'follow the light' back to Carina. She had only wished she could have met Ellie.
"You did that yourself, my love," Maya said. "You're my anchor."