Song: Die For You - The Weekend ft Ariana Grande
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Nate
I was glad when Grayson had said he was up to see the game as well. Without him keeping me company, I would have feel kind of out of place in here. Luckily, he couldn't say no to free beers and football.
So here I was watching the game. I was watching the game...
Was I really watching the game?
"Hey." Jenna tilted her head from my other side. "You okay?"
She had the team colors on her cheeks and a shirt laced on her waist showing an attractive line of bare skin. I'd just met her and Claire, her pixie-cut brunette friend, shortly after the game started and right before Grayson got here. They had sited on the counter by my side and made conversation easily, but it felt hard to give them my full attention when my eyes keep drifting to the other end of the bar, where Hailey and Elon were also seeing the game.
I don't know why I was still here. To torture myself, probably. Likely...
"Yeah." I answered when Jenna tilted her head after I first failed to make sense of her words. "We're playing good, uh?"
Her smile faltered a bit. "We're losing."
"Right." To be honest, I couldn't care more about what was going on on the field. For one, my team wasn't playing, and two, there were far more disturbing things going on around to fully focus on the scoring happening over the screen. There shouldn't, but it felt stupid to tell myself what a wimp I was for being this aware of Hailey and Elon.
Gray nudged my side, making me frown at him. "Gonna finish that?" he pointed towards the chips before me. I'd been fiddling with the same one for ages, but it felt like they all taste like sand in my mouth.
"Eventually."
"Care to share?"
I shrugged and pushed them between us so he could take some as well.
"Can I?" Jenna laid her elbow on the bar's surface, reaching over to take one ship as well and playfully brought it her mouth with a smirk. "I hope you don't mind."
I shrugged again, barely able to focus on her question when I noticed Elon coming back to Hailey in their little booth with their drinks and the way she smiled as he sat beside her. Way too close.
And what the hell did you expect? They're on a date.
"So," wondered Jenna, forcing my mind to focus on the here and now as well. "Where are you from?"
"Here." Gray nodded. "Born and raised."
"Us too." she retorted, sharing a look with Claire. "We're literally from two doors down."
"Close enough then." I tried to join the good mood. It made no sense I was there acting like a toddler. I was here to check Hailey was safe -and curious too, okay. But also to see the game and spend time with Grayson. If Jenna and Claire were friendly and up to make new acquitances, then I won't say no to that. So I smiled at the blond and she perked.
"What about you, uh?" She leaned closer, almost involuntarily so it was impossible not to see the generous cleavage she had when she did so.
"Born in a small town near Sacramento. But I'd lived in Pensilvania, New York and now here." I briefly answered and her brows perked.
"From West to East. What a change."
"I guess." the bar around us cheered and I drove my eyes back to the screen to see the green team had almost scored.
"Which one do you like best?"
"Uh?"
"East coast or west coast?" wondered Jenna leaning on her elbow again to steal yet another chip and unsettling me a bit with her innocent digging.
Why were we still talking about this? I could feel my chest tight at the thoughts of my home town. That made me think about my life there. About my mother. Our recent call was way too recent in my mind and I certainly didn't want to think about her and the havoc my life becomes everytimes she is involved in it.
But Jenna didn't know so. So I forced my smile to remain carefree. "Can't really tell. Providence is really growing into me, tho."
"Oh, is it?" There was an evident flirty tone in there and I couldn't help a smirk. Jenna was pretty, she was fun, and a football fan. That alone got her a perfect base to build something.
We got distracted when the whole bar erupted in cheers and claps, the sudden movement made me almost pulled my beer and forced Jenna to slide closer, almost pressed to my side, and her hand came to my shoulder to stabilize herself.
"Sorry." she rushed blushing and I shook my head.
"Don't worry about it." She grinned, taking a second too long to retrieve her touch and Grayson barely covered a chuckle in a cough. "What?" I wondered and he shrugged.
"Nothing." but he still had that annoying grin like he was seeing a joke I wasn't and I narrowed my eyes. He cough-laughed again. "Okay. Don't look now, but your girl is keeping tabs on your flirting."
My heartbeat faltered a moment. "What girl?" I asked stupidly and for the quick glance he shot me, the answer was plainly obvious.
Despites what he said, I looked over to the other end of the bar and through the buzz of people cheering the recent score anI locked eyes with Hailey, who was indeed looking this way.
For the first moment, she didn't seem to notice our eyes had met, she looked deep in though and oblivious at Elon who was too focused on encouraging the screen rather that the date sitting beside him. When she still didn't make a move or snap out her trance, I tilted my head and she blinked. If I was sure if I'd been closer, I could have seen the cute blushing in her cheeks even in the dim lightening in here.
It's all about the sex.
That's what she's said. And it stung. A part of me died a little, but another refused to accept that. There was no way it was all about the sexual magnetism we did have. I felt drawn towards her in an impossible way that just made us fit. But it wasn't all about that.
I'd loved her, and she'd loved me. Those kind of feeling didn't just go away. We've evolved, right. We weren't high school seniors anymore, but if you develop such a bond with someone I don't believe there is a way you just push all that to the back of your mind and pretend it never exist.
I was yet to know the awful thing I'd done -worst than leave her- for her to still keep me away like that and it was driving me insane. But if she didn't feel the emotional connection as well, then why was she keeping tabs at Jenna approach? Hailey's admitted she wasn't comfortable with me flirting with other, therefor, it was more than just the sex. It had to be. Whether she wanted to admit it or not. And in a twisted way, it eased the knot in my guts.
I almost wanted to smile when she didn't look away and neither did I. I wanted it to be because I wasn't the first to back down, but there was the fact was that I didn't know how to look away from her when her gaze holds mine like that.
There was the small frown pursing her brows, like piecing something together. And for what she's said in the car, she was equally as lost as I was. More maybe. At least I knew I wanted to be with her. But again, I didn't know what was it that keeps her from fully forgiving me and taking me back.
At last, Hailey looked away first, making my heart dipped in my chest at the lost and I felt stupid as she looked down. But before this disappointed bitterness could fully grab a hold on my lungs, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I slid it out, trying to distract myself from this gripping feeling.
HAILEY: Stop looking at me.
Of course. I could feel a smirk tugging at my lips now as I texted back.
NATE: U first
Her eyes narrowed down at it, and she glared at me over the distance, bristling at the smile I sent her way. I didn't know if I was provoking her or just covering how vulnerable I felt knowing she was actively trying to wipe me from her life. Maybe I should let her? That would save us a lot of headaches.
Hailey's gaze slid to Gray for a moment, then to Jenna and Claire who were excitedly talking among themselves about a shot.
HAILEY: if you're trying to make me jealous, let me tell you this isn't the way to go.
NATE: Chill. just watching the game here.
HAILEY: I apologized for what I said, you don't need to rub it in my face.
Rub it in her face? It was almost laughable she was getting worked up over Jenna considering the current situation.
NATE: You're on a date
HAILEY: And you're so predictable. Always go for the blonds.
She was a bit too sensitive about this all, and it both fluttered my hope and irritated me. This back and forth felt a little too childish, but it was like I was sucked into another reality and she -usually the rational one between the two of us- wasn't really snapping the breaks to this nonsense.
NATE: U sure ur not jealous?
I could see her lips pressing together and she pulled away her phone, making my chest swell at her obvious frustration. She was jealous. But then Elon sensed her change and turned to her, whispering softly and snatching a lovely grin out of her too.
The initial warm feeling turns sour when she placed one hand on his forearm between them and he shifted backwards to place his other arm across the back of her chair. Whispering something in her ear and she shook her head.
What a fucking idiot.
"Thank fuck I said 'don't look'." snorted Gray, luckily bringing my attention away from my own pity party.
"Shut up."
"Is this why you told me to come? So you could spy on your ex?"
I grimaced. "It sounds beyond creepy when you say it like that."
"Well, is it true?"
"No." And it wasn't. I wasn't spying on her. "I am her ride back." or so we've agreed. But Gray gave me a pointed look and I frowned, bristled. "Okay, and maybe I wanted to see how it would go. One of her previous blind dates didn't go well and we agreed it'll be safer like this."
But this isn't a blind date. And she's told you, you don't have to stay.
Was I being creepy by staying?
"Oh," Jenna joined the conversation, as uninvited as before but now it felt a lot more invasive. "You have a girlfriend?"
And what did I say to that? I didn't. Not officially. Not at all.
The bar filled with hollers once more at another daring shoot and suddenly I felt dizzy. I stood, letting the half drank beer on the counter and barely excuse myself moving to the end of the place, where it opened into a hallway leading to a back end and towards the bathroom. I entered the one with a male sign and only then I allowed myself to breath.
What the hell was I still doing here?
I was being creepy.
I can take rejection, had I said to Hailey barely an hour ago. But could I?
She was going on multiple dates per week, looking for her Mr Right and only saw what we had as the relief of this physical tension. Yes, she was sensitive about me flirting with others, but that all fell in the same pack of me being her ex. She wasn't supposed to be comfortable with the idea of me sharing what we had with others.
Then why does it feel like my attachment was far more persistent that hers?
That sucks big time.
I splashed cold water in my face, but couldn't get rid of the turmoil in my chest. I need to grab a hold of myself. I had brought this upon myself. I couldn't remember exactly how; but whatever it was, it must have been huge.
And as much as we get along and my body seemed made to fit with hers, if this was only for the thrill of the highs, I had to consider whether or not it was worth the constant downs when something comes our way. When we clash for this past we avoid talking about, or when I have to see her date others... was it worth it? Because I sure felt like shit right now, knowing Elon was there having their date when we should be making up for the weekend apart.
But it was wrong of me to expect so, because this wasn't dating. We agreed to get this out of our systems and only to that. It was stupid of me to think anything else from this.
Yet then, why did it sting so badly?
I dried my face, collecting my thoughts and my emotions and leaning to press my palms against the cold sink, letting it ground me a little from this buzz in my head.
I know how this works. I rolled my shoulders getting ready mental and physically, but this stiffness didn't seem to vanish easily.
I'm just gonna go out there, focus on the match and Grayson. This didn't have to spoil my mood. And maybe then I would move on as well.
With that in mind, I gave myself on last look in the mirror, hoping I wasn't as altered on the outside as ravaged I felt inside. I'm fucking stupid. And finally straightened my back again.
Well, it's not gonna get better or less real by just hiding in the bathroom, and to be honest I felt quite childish for the idiotic get away. If this is how she wanted things to go, then fine.
I stepped back into the hallway, my mind set on ignoring anything but the match and Gray. And maybe Jenna.
But before I could take even a full stride there was someone blocking the path. Hands pressed on my chest, startling me and forcing me to step back with a gasp. "What the-" my eyes locked with Hailey's and I was so confused I let her push me to enter the nearest door by our side.
So much for moving on.
"I can't believe you're doing this to me." she huffed once we were both inside and stomped pass me to check the three stallslinned to the side.
"Doing what?" I questioned, closing the door behind me, still shocked by this sudden ambushed. But not really mad about it. For some reason she was here with me rather than out there with Elon. If she hadn't come to kick me out, I wasn't complaining. As she checked the last stall I scanned our surroundings, moving closer. "So it's true what they say about girl's bathrooms, uh? It's incredibly clean in here."
She huffed. "Nate-" but whatever she was about to say faltered when I reached her and grabbed her face, wasting not time in kissing her and feeling as if my chest unlaced at the warm feeling of her lips molding against mine.
I hadn't planned to come and kiss her, but now it was as if I could finally breathe at ease. My hands slid down her shoulder blades and nesting on the small of her back, pulling her to me, her arms folded between our chests as she kissed me back.
I should have done this when I first saw her earlier today. I should have done this before she went out to Boston to increase her resentment towards me.
Again, so much for moving on. But that thought was before she come find me on her own will.
"Let's go." I purposed in a sudden explosion of clarity.
"Go where?"
"Out." I sucked her bottom lip, drinking from her moan and moving down to kiss her jawline and neck, feeling as if I couldn't keep away now that I tasted her again. As if the wall pulling me back had broken. "The date isn't going well."
"No?" her fingers laced on the sensitive hairs on the back of my scalp, for a moment feeling like she just remembered she shouldn't be kissing me and I almost thought she would push me away. But she didn't. "And how do you know?"
"Because you keep looking at me." She whined, now pulling away from my kisses and looked away, blushing, but there was no denial. A smile tugged at my lips as the warmth in my chest burned. "It's okay, I can't stop looking at you either." I brought my hands to her beautiful face and she took a deep breath, leaning her cheek into the palm of my hand. My heart shuddered helplessly.
"We shouldn't be doing this at all." she whispered, the meaning of her words a complete juxtaposition to the sweet way they came out, like honey to my ears. "I didn't come here for this."
"Why did you?" Her brows pursed but it looked like she didn't have an answer to that. I leaned my back against the closed door and kept her closer with an arm around her lower back and the other tracing the line of her collarbone and watching her shudder. "How is the date going then?"
"Good, he's... He's perfect."
"Now is he?"My stomach clenched and I had to control the spark of anger within me. There was more into it. That was why she was here. That was why she came and kissed me back instead of enjoy her perfect date. "But?"
"But," she breathed through her nose, focused on tracing a pattern in my chest as if considering her thoughts and sounding both conflicted and sad when she said. "But he isn't you."
For a moment, her words lingered in the air and I struggled to process them and process them right. But as she gingerly looked up at me and I was under the blue charm of her lovely gaze, her words made sense and I kissed her again.
"I can't stop thinking about you." she sounded angry as her fingers clenched on my shirt and I kissed down her jaw. "I can't even think straight with you. It's like you're infecting me or something." I hummed, unable to not feel light at her admission and she sighed in content when I found her sweet spot, feeling her melt and holding her better flush against me. "I don't even know what I want."
"I want you."
It came out immediately, and it was probably the only not-blurred fact I had when it came to Hailey. Logically at least. I didn't know if it was because of our past or our present, but she was the biggest cartainty in my life. Irony of the century, considering she literally got no clue what she felt towards me. To be honest, I kinda felt the same way about her, like my mind stops working functionally and I could just cave in to what she said.
Like seeing her go on a date with some other guy when we should be doing this 24-7.
All we have is the sex.
Hailey closed her eyes and I wanted to kiss over and over, needing to feel her lips hot against mine and forget that Elon out there was aiming for the exact same thing.
Vulnerability rears its head, ugly and uncomfortable. The urge to crack a joke or other way to deflect seized me, but I resisted. Instead, I muttered: "He isn't for you."
"No?" again, there was this weird mix of sadness and curiosity. "And why is that?"
"You're not compatible."
Her eyes narrowed. "Why?"
My nose nuzzled hers and I almost kissed her again, but hold back and speak again: "For one, his name is Elon."
"So?" her voice was a breathless now and I smirked, letting my bottom lip grazed hers and jolts of electricity shuddered through.
"So, it's a stupid name."
Hailey shook her head, giving me room to kiss under her ear and arching her neck as I tasted the smooth skin of her throat, feeling her shiver. "And for two?"
"I don't like him."
She giggled breathlessly, not exactly amused. And I pulled away to look at her but she wasn't meeting my gaze. Which kinda made it worse. "You never do."
"Yeah, that kinda goes with the whole I don't like you flirting."
"Nate..." but her easy-going, chill giggle faded into an almost sniffle and my chest tightened but she was already pressing her forehead on the curb of my neck, hiding from me and creating goosebumps as her breaths hit the sensitive skin there. "Why are you doing this?"
"I'm not doing anything." I responded in shock and tension.
This was the second time since she pulled me here that she asked me this. And now I could feel her fragile trembling as she leaned into me and a whole new emotions overwhelmed me from inside out. The tension melted a little, and willed myself to hold her more comfortingly, unsure how to take or act at her reactions.
Hailey wants to date others, told me to stop looking at her, but pushed me here, kissed me back and tells me I'm confusing her... and now she was on the verge of actually crying but leaning on me as if my presence was calming as well. It was like she was actively trying to be blurry.
My fingers trailed through her long, soft hair, testing if she made a move to stop me but she didn't. She let out an almost relieved breath and let me continue.
"Is wanting me really that bad?"
"No..." her voice trembled through me at the flushed closeness. "It's not bad per se, but I hate that I am here with you when I came with Elon."
I hummed. "For what is worth, you came here with me."
"You know what I mean." she nuzzled closer, sending sweet ache through my nerves and I almost shivered when her mouth pressed under my jaw. "It's not bad, but it's wrong... it's so wrong it feels right."
I shut my eyes as her lips teased the sensitive skin of my throat and my hand found her hips instantly, prompting a cute sound from the back of her throat as she teased my skin harder.
All we have is the sex.
I hesitated. Was it? As good as this felt, I need to consider things through, like I decided I would do. But it was hard to when she was on me like this.
With my heart up my throat, I forced myself to pull her away. "Are we good?" I practically begged and she shrugged, looking down when I tried to catch her gaze. Her fingers absentmindly tracing the patterns of my shirt and sending jolts of electricity everywhere. "Are we good Hailey?"
"I guess."
"You guess?" she shrugged again. Avoiding my gaze once more. "Babe."
I could sense the change when the pet name rolled out involuntarily. Once she said me that she didn't like it because it used to be our love name. But the other night she said she loved it when I called her that.
And for the way she squirmed in my arms now it looked like it was the latter.
"You're doing it on purpose." she complained but even in her frustrated tone I could sense the reaction it awoke.
"I promise I'm not." I chuckled, bringing one hand to brush her hair off her face and lacing my fingers in the soft locks of her nape, making her look at me. The chill of her blue eyes striking on me was like a whip and I almost forgot to breath. "Are we good or not?"
"We weren't no-good." she muttered instead, still playing difficult. "You got mad at me for having this date."
"You were mad at me before."
Her eyes narrowed as if saying 'very mature'. We weren't going anywhere with this. And it felt as if every time I was close to getting some answers she either shut up or distracted me blissfully till I couldn't remember.
It's all about the sex.
Almost painfully, I physically separate our bodies and pushed off the door, stalling in the little space the bathroom provided and sliding my fingers through my hair.
What were we doing? She was mad for whatever I did, and I was becoming too into something she didn't even value. But then again, what was all that about me confusing her? Her apparent jealousy? Her coming after me when Elon was there waiting for her?
"I think..." I began, but had to stop. What did I think? I groaned shaking my head before turning back towards her. "I think we need to do some thinking before pushing this any forward."
Hailey fixed her skirt easily. If only I had it so easy to cover my unfinished business. She lifted her brows at me, blushing. "Are you turning me down again?" there was a slight trembled in her voice even if she played it as if it wasn't there. "You know, this would be a lot easier if you admit you just don't want me anymore."
"Want you?" my eyes trailed down her swollen lips, pink marks on her neck and the way her blouse sleeve fell down her shoulder before she adjusted it. And man, her legs... I laughed breathlessly, brushing my hair again and feeling my pants tight. "I think it's pretty obvious I want you." her eyes looked down, noticing too and her bitterness melted in the loveliest mix between content and shyness. How can she still be shy about any of this? I still got no clue. "How am I supposed to go out now?"
"Why are you looking at me? You don't want me to take care of it." now she was being petty, but somehow that felt quite adorable as well and I smirked.
"Well, it would help." I muttered.
"But you don't want to. Right?" she shook her head and went to open the bathroom. "They're waiting for me." Elon's reminder was enough to deflate the rest of my libido. Hailey sighed, sliding her free hand through her hair to fix it. "I'll go now and you should probably wait another minute or-"
"So you're going back like this never happened?" I interrupted and she looked at me, biting her lip. "What was this?"
"Apparently nothing."
Yeah, right. "Tell him to go home and it might turn into something."
"Nate." Hailey looked away and her face blushed. "I get it, okay? It's my fault. But I didn't come here for this."
"Then why did you?" I pressed and her lips pressed into a thin line. Not wanting to look at me or answer, but I knew better.
I had kissed her, but she had me in her mind enough to drop her date and come here.
Hailey just needed to admit it out loud. To myself and to herself.
But she wouldn't. Instead, she sighed forcefully, shaking her head. "I can't just forget about him." and for her laboured breathing and how her frown pursed, I could see the realization of what she'd done weighting down on her. "He's out there! Gosh, this shouldn't have happened. Not like this."
"Then like what?"
"This feels wrong, can't you see?"
"Then why did you come after me?"
"I don't know!"
I swear she was so frustrating at times. My hands fisted. "What is wrong is that you go out with him when you're clearly thinking about me."
"Yeah, probably." she sighed shakily, smoothing her clothes and for a moment I was left speechless. I didn't really expect her to agree. "I have to go back and let him know this won't work."
"Uh, yeah, you... you do that." I straightened my shirt as well, still in awe she had agreed she wanted me more than him. Usually, she pulls up her guard and claim we are doing nothing seriously. Or that I was confusing her, lately. "Come home with me."
She smiled, looking away so I wouldn't see, but I did and it warmed my chest. Her fist on the knob tightening. "You're bouncing around just as much as I am." she accused but I shook my head.
"Your home, I mean. Let me drive you back." I insisted, bringing her closer by the arm and brushing her long wavy hair off the way to see her expression. Her blue eyes pinned mine with that weird energy. "Tell him it won't work and when the game is over, come find me in the parking. Yes?" after a hesitant moment she nodded and I grinned, cupping her chin with my other hand and tilting my head down for a short kiss. "In case there's still any doubt, I really want you now."
"Hold on that thought."
A breathless chuckle escaped me. Of course she would use my words against me.
Smiling too, her fingers clenched around the fabric over my shoulder and she stood on her tiptoes for another rapid parting kiss. What the hell were we doing?
"You should go first, though." advised Hailey then. "This is the girl's bathroom. So unless you want to look like a creep..."
"Right," I glanced around finally moving past her and towards the door, as if remembering I wasn't supposed to be here. "Great way to pick romantic spots."
"Next time I'll book a VIP room." I heard her sarcastic remark just before I exited the room. Smiling stupidly because, as messed as this was, she wants me enough to reassure me. To unfocus from her real date.
Now I needed to find out what it was that I did.
And I knew just who would tell me.
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