This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells.
NAME
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY
Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job - NO!
On my breaks - YES!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Oh yes, absolutely.
They hired him because he was so funny.....