heyy
onika
I missed Bey. I don't know what I expected from this break but I was lonely already.
Imani asked to sleep with me last night and that made me really happy. I really needed it.
I actually threw up for the first time instead of just feeling nauseous. I liked it better than just feeling bad all day.
I got up to wake Amir and Imani up. Everything was pretty normal. I cooked breakfast and took them to school.
After I came back home, I opened my laptop. I still didn't schedule the abortion.
I was going to last night but Imani didn't want to go last night and Amir was trying to be funny and get her to start a revolution. It was a lot but it was funny so I didn't get mad at them.
Before I could even type my name in, I started to get tired. I'm pregnant, I can take as many naps as I want.
I moved it out of my lap and laid down. It took some time for me to fall asleep but I eventually did it.
I woke up starving. I wanted Mcdonalds but I didn't ever eat it. It's not like there's anyone here to judge me so who cares?
I wish I knew how to properly use that food ordering app. I could just wait until it was time for me to get Imani but I was hungry and I needed food now.
I got up and went downstairs. I wasn't going to change since I was just going through the drive thru.
Before I could get to the door, someone rang the doorbell. I wasn't expecting anyone and I knew it wasn't Bey so I grabbed a knife just to be safe.
I slowly opened the door but it was just Kelly so I opened the door all the way. "Oh, hey Kelly." I wanted to ask Kelly how she was feeling but I knew it would've came out rude accidentally.
"I come bearing gifts, don't worry." She walked all the way in holding bags.
I was more focused on the nurse hat on her head. "You're into the hat thing too?"
"Of course not, Beys forcing me."
She has to like it, she kept it on the whole way here and walked in with it on.
"Sure. Come with me into the kitchen to put this back, we can sit there." She followed me into the kitchen and I put the knife back.
"You were about to stab me?"
"You almost lost all your limbs. What did you bring?"
She put the bags on my island. "Well first this entire bag is full of pickles, hot and regular. Then in here there's vitamins. Prenatal, vitamin C, D, and all the other ones you need. There's a Doordash coupon, she told me to teach you how to use it. There's some other stuff too but you can just look in there yourself."
I almost started crying but I didn't want to cry in front of Kelly. Bey is the best.
I looked in the bag myself and the first thing I saw was cookies. I licked my lips, this is just what I needed.
"She said not to touch those. They're for your daughter."
"My daughter? She'll be okay, she's not pregnant." I opened the package and ate a cookie. Imani steals my food all the time, it's only right.
"How are you feeling? Any morning sickness?"
"I threw up this morning but besides that, I'm feeling pretty fine."
"Just hungry?" She eyed the cookies. I don't know how but I was on my third already.
"As fuck. I was on my way to Mcdonald's when you got here and I don't even eat food from there ever."
"My first time being pregnant, I would make my husband get me Popeyes at any time of the night and morning. If someone states with you the entire time you're pregnant, they really love you because pregnant women are hell."
"Are you guys good now?" I wanted to change the subject and ignore that last part.
"I think so. We just needed time apart, we had a lot on our plates and we were acting out of character. We got everything out and now we're good."
"So you're leaving soon." I didn't want her to leave. I like Kelly.
"Yeah, probably. I was thinking about moving up here but Texas is better for me."
"I would've loved it if you moved here."
"Y'all should move to Houston."
"Y'all who?"
"You, Bey, and your kids. Bey hates it here."
"She does?" I mean, I didn't think she loved California but I didn't think she hated it either.
"Don't tell her I told you this but she's really unhappy here. She doesn't really do anything but work and come here. Back home, she was social and I think the change from that to only talking to two people regularly is a struggle for her."
"She told you that?"
"She doesn't have to, she's my best friend. I know her. But she's not here, look at the rest of the stuff in the bag."
She got me lollipops to help with my nausea. The rest of the stuff was just snacks so I went to the last bag. There was a container and a thermos.
"Do you know what's in here?"
"Ginger shots, a bunch of them. It's so nasty but you won't throw up at all if you take them. She even froze some so you could chew them or put them in water."
"Are they really that nasty?"
"I didn't try them but I know anything healthy Bey likes probably is. If it's that bad you could probably add sugar to it."
Kelly didn't stay long after that because I had to go get Imani. The rest of the day was pretty boring but normal.
Imani asked to sleep with me again. I don't know if she's doing it for me or her but either way I don't mind.
The next day, Kelly rang the doorbell again. I knew it was her because she rang it five times. Once for each letter of her name.
I opened the door but I couldn't see her because of the huge teddy bear she was holding. I took it out of her hands so she would be able to see and walk in.
It was so heavy that I almost fell back when I held it.
Kelly laughed and took the bear from me again after she put the other thing she was holding down. She put the bear on the couch, it was bigger than me.
"Today I'm just bringing over the bear and this novel."
"Novel?"
"Damn near. Here, take it." She handed me a huge stack of papers held together with a binder clip.
"What's in it?"
Kelly shrugged, "You have to read it and see, I don't know. She gave me specific instructions not to read it so it must be really personal."
Kelly didn't stay for long so I had to read some of it. I sat on top of the bear and opened it to the first page.
There was a table of contents. Kelly was right, this basically a novel. I forgot Bey was a nerd.
I read over the chapter titles. The ones I was most excited to read were 'Why I love you', 'Untitled' and 'Baby.'
The chapters were only about two pages so it wasn't as bad as I thought.
That's all I got to before I had to get Imani. She was having a really good day so I gave her the rest of the cookies from yesterday.
At night, Imani came into my room holding the stuffed animal Bey got for her. She's already met the stuffed animal Bey got me and introduced hers to mine. She even named mine Mani Bear.
She laid on Mani Bear and started watching the show I was watching. I thought she fell asleep until she spoke. "Mommy?"
"Hm?"
"Is BeyBey mad at me?"
"No, why would you think that?" I already knew but I didn't want her to be able to say how she feels.
"She left and she didn't come back."
"She's going to come back soon, I promise." I shouldn't have promised, I don't know if she really is.
"No she's not."
"She is, I promise."
She started crying, "She's not!"
I picked her up and put her on my chest. My nipples were so sore that I winced but I didn't care about the pain.
I had to calm her down but I was used to it, stuff like this happens way too often. She's too young to already be as traumatized as she is.
"Go get your iPad." I wanted to try something.
She left the room and came back with her iPad. I went to Facetime and typed Beys number in. I waited until it said connecting to hand it to her.
"BeyBey!"
"I thought this was you calling me, I missed you so much."
"I missed you too!" Imani ran out the room.
I wish she would've stayed in here, I wanted to hear Beys voice too. Those couple seconds were good enough.
Imani talked to Bey for a whole hour. I bet the only reason they hung up was because Bey knew it was Imanis bedtime.
Imani was so happy after talking to Bey. She fell asleep mid sentence telling me about their call.
I decided to use that time to read what Bey wrote for me. I was scared, honestly.
By the time I was done reading it, I was crying. It was a lot.
She talked about how much she loved me. She kept saying she was in love with me throughout the whole thing. She said she was scared to say it because the feelings weren't reciprocated but now she doesn't care.
She went into detail about how she took care or me and Imani while we were sick. She basically held Imani over the sink the entire time and threw up every time she did.
She a little bit talked about what Kelly was telling me. She said she barely has any friends now and she kind of resents me for it. She feels like I don't allow her to and she doesn't even try to make any anymore because I'll just think they're tying to have sex with her.
She also said she's scared of treating me badly or being like the people in my past. That's why she lets me get away with so much and never really negativity reacts. She's scared to be stern because she doesn't want me to be scared but now things are too far.
Her fears are only getting worse the more I tell her about her past. Also little stuff like that time Imani thought she hit me.
She said she wants to get married and have kids with me and if I don't want to then it's the end of our relationship. As simple as that, if I don't want the same things she does then she's leaving me and moving on.
My least favorite but the most needed part was her basically going off on me. Telling me all the things I do that she doesn't like and what I could do to change them. She doesn't want me to change but we can't have a healthy relationship with some of my behaviors.
On the last page she left me therapy resources. She also left me the number to a chinese restaurant, she thinks she's funny.
Amir knocked on my door. It was around midnight, I don't even know why he's awake but I told him to come in.
He came in, "You were crying?"
"Is that all you guys come into my room to ask me? What do you want?"
"I wanted to ask you something but are you pregnant?"
"I already told you I wasn't."
"Yeah, but you're crying. You never cry and now you're always crying. And I heard you throwing up this morning."
"I wasn't throwing. What did you come to ask me?"
"Is coach coming back home?"
"Home? She's at her home."
"But she's here every day. Even if it's just for a couple hours, she always come."
They're both so attached to her. She hasn't been here for two days and they're acting like it's the end of the world.
"She's coming."
"Today?"
"No."
"So she's not coming at all?"
"She is Amir. We're just taking a little break right now." I don't need to lie to him like I lie to Imani, he's almost grown.
"Because you're pregnant?"
"I'm not pregnant."
"That's so fucked up. Why would she leave you and you're pregnant? I thought she was nice to you. I don't even care now, I hope she stays where she's at." He was in more distress than me.
"It was my fault, she didn't do anything wrong. She didn't leave me while I was pregnant, I'm not pregnant."
I didn't want him to know I pregnant. I'm not keeping it and I don't want him to know I got an abortion.
"But-"
"Amir you're stressing yourself out for no reason, everything okay. I promise. You see her everyday, calm down."
He feels the way Imani feels on the inside, he would just never admit it. He's scared of another August situation happening.
When I left August and he stopped talking to Amir, Amir was old enough to remember him. It was a lot worse for him than it was for Imani.
That's why I was so cautious of getting into another relationship. This is exactly what I didn't want.
"Okay, goodnight."
"I love you Amir." Enough for two parents.
"I love you too."
——
i love this chapter so much but i'm ending this book soon
Bey?
Onika?
Their break so far?
Bey sending Kelly to take care of Onika?
Onika still not scheduling the abortion?
Beys 'novel' to Onika?
Amir and Imani asking for Bey?
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