I haven't felt a thing this year
And I'm only tryna be sincere
Yeah, I've never seen
Something quite like you
________
It was now Saturday, and we were back in that same field Harry had brought me to where we looked at the stars and he read me part of his journal for the first time. One of the first times he was vulnerable with me. He had always seemed very open, but being open and being vulnerable are two very different things in my opinion.
I like to think I've been getting better at being open. I'm more open to letting him get to know me, though I'm still hiding my vulnerability. I'm open to him, but I still haven't fully let him in.
Baby steps, right?
Harry had asked me earlier this week in school as we were walking from physics to our next class if I wanted to go out with him after school that day. And of course I said yes. I've noticed that I've stopped being so hesitant when it comes to Harry.
Yes, I still have my moments, but I don't feel like I need to keep my walls guarded when I'm with him anymore. I feel content, safe. It's as if the dark clouds that lived above my head were finally starting to fade. Like I was finally starting to see the light, see the purpose, the reason. My reason. It's becoming more clear.
We got to the field after stopping at Ellie's for what's become our regular smoothies, and at this point, I'm sure Ellie knows who we are. We walked into the shop and immediately a smile grew on her face and she started tapping away at the register, like she knew what we were going to order already. And as we were leaving, I caught her smiling at us when Harry wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pushed open the door with his foot so he could keep his arm on me.
We drove the short way from Ellie's to the field, and Harry was teasing me the whole time for not being able to drive.
The first time I got in the car with Harry, I was praying to gods I don't believe in that he wouldn't ask me about my ability, or lack thereof, to drive. I was terrified that he'd make fun of me, shame me, for not knowing how. It's not my fault I've never been taught, I was just embarrassed for him to know that. But now, I'm just shaking my head and laughing with him as he nudges my shoulder and smiles at me.
"C'mon, you could practice in my car, just drive around the parking lot until you wanna try doing some backroads. I'll be your teacher, it'll be fun," Harry pleads, all while still keeping his hand off of the wheel to keep poking at my shoulder.
"Harry, I will literally crash your car. I know nothing about driving. It's not a good idea." I'm trying to be serious, because I truly do think I'll end up crashing his car, but I don't think he's taking me very seriously considering I can't seem to wipe the grin off my face, or contain my giggles as I try to speak.
"No you won't! It'll be fine, promise."
I just look back out the windshield, and cross my arms across my chest, knowing I'm not going to actually drive his car. I don't want to be the person responsible for potentially damaging his car. I'd never forgive myself, and I don't know if Harry, or his parents, would forgive me either.
"Eyes on the road, Harry," I say when I can still feel him burning holes into the side of my head.
"Alright, alright." He lifts his hands of the wheel in a defensive gesture before bringing his attention back to the road, but not before stealing one last glance at me.
Arriving at the field, Harry set up the blanket again, making sure it was perfectly flat, and laid himself down. He also had a second blanket this time for us to wrap ourselves in, but the night air was so perfect tonight that we didn't bother using it.
When I sat down next to him, he quickly reached up and grabbed my arm, pulling me down onto his chest, causing us both to erupt into a fit of laughter. I lifted my head off his chest, and pushed my hair out of my face, smiling down at him.
"Hi," he whispers, a smirk on his face, wiggling his eyebrows a few times at me.
I shook my head at him and rolled to the side so I was no longer on top of him. "You're such an idiot," I close my eyes and say through a laugh and fold my hands, allowing them to rest on my stomach.
"Heyyyy," he whines, elongating the 'Y', and dropping his eyebrows and pushing himself to rest on his elbow so he could look down at me. "You're mean."
I hear him shift his body, so I peek my one eye open to see what he's doing. And of course, I find him dramatically lying flat on his back, arms crossed over his chest with an overly exaggerated pout on his lips.
I let out a laugh that almost sounds like a snort and quickly smack my hand over my mouth and still completely.
Although it wiped the pout right off Harry's lips.
"HA!" and he too smacks his one hand over his mouth, leaving his other arm still crossed over his chest.
He's trying so hard to stifle his laughter on my behalf, which to be quite honest, I find adorable. He's adorable. I adore him.
I let out a long sigh and tell him, "Go on, just let it out, get on with it then," and use my forearm to cover my eyes waiting for him to just get it over with so we can move on.
It gets quiet for a few short seconds, so I uncover my eyes and tilt my head to the side to look at why Harry's gone silent, and I'm met his face close to mine, wide, teeth-baring smile on his lips, staring back at me.
He lets out a small chuckle, and breaks into a fit of loud, belly aching laughter. He rolls onto his stomach and buries his face into the blanket, and I can't help but to start laughing too, his laugh is just so contagious, so curing of all things bad.
He finally manages to stop his laughter, and his face just fades to a slight shoulder shaking giggle. He looks at me for a few seconds before saying, " You've got the sweetest laugh. Think it might be my new favorite sound."
"I could say the same about yours." The confidence that drips from my voice as I speak is not something I'm used to, but I think it might be something I like. I like sounding confident, sure of myself and my words.
And I think that's a direct result of spending time with Harry. He's got the natural confidence about him that never comes off as cocky, just sure of himself. It's one of the things I've come to really like about him.
There are so many things that I like about him.
"Yeah?" He asks, flipping himself back around so he's once again resting on his elbow, looking down at me while I'm still lying flat on my back. He runs his fingers through his hair, brushing the few loose curls away from his forehead, and I get that feeling in my stomach again. That same feeling I had when we were driving home from Peninsula Park, that same feeling I had back at Ellie's the day after I broke down at school.
That exact same feeling I had when he walked me home from his house, with his arm wrapped around my shoulder, down the lit up, but dark town streets. When we stopped out front of the home, he wrapped me up in a warm embrace, hugging me tightly to his body, planting a soft kiss to the top of my head.
My heart was beating so fast that night, and Harry's was too. I remember hearing it, feeling it. I wonder if it was for the same reason.
After a few moments, I realized I've spaced out again, and have just been staring at Harry this whole time, but he doesn't seem to mind. In fact, the redness that's creeping on his neck and cheeks, and the way he's also staring back at me tells me he's completely alright.
"Yeah," I say, and Harry lets out a content hum.
He lays back down and shuffles his body as close to mine as he can get without laying completely on top of me, and instead just moves his hand to interlock his pinky with my own.
He and I fall into a comfortable silence as we watch the sun set and the stars starting to paint the night sky.
What feels like two hours go by, and Harry and I have passed time talking about a plenty of sweet nothings, but he was more than shocked to hear my answer to his question about my favorite place I've ever traveled to.
"I'm hearing this right? You've never even left the state?" Harry asked me with a confused smile on his pretty lips.
"Nope, the farthest I've ever been is to the coast. My dad took me when I was little, but I don't remember much. And with being in a foster home, we don't really go that far."
The smile drops from his lips, and his skin starts to pale. "Oh, I didn't think about that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel-"
I cut him off before he could even finish his sentence. "No, don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not upset about it. I mean, sure, I'd love to have already traveled places, but I've got my whole life ahead of me to do it, so I'm not too worried that I haven't yet."
I didn't realize the significance of my words until they've already left my mouth. My whole life ahead of me. For the first time in a long time, I just openly contributed to the idea of me having a future, of me being alive to see the day where I can finally travel. I contributed to the idea, or well I guess fact, that I'll be live to my high school graduation. I didn't think I'd ever see graduation, and now I'm openly saying that I've got my whole life ahead of me to do and accomplish things.
Woah.
I don't even know what to think. I can't remember the last time I thought I'd actually have a future past the age seventeen. But the words that just came out of my mouth came so naturally, and for just a second, I forgot I wanted to be dead. I forgot that that was ever a plan of mine.
I don't think I still want to be dead. I think I want to live.
"Mace?"
"Hm?" I tilt my head to meet his gaze, but get lost in my head again when I look into his eyes.
They're just so pretty. Harry's just so pretty.
"You alright?"
I sit silently for a few seconds, just taking in this moment before nodding my head and smiling. "Yeah, yeah I'm alright. So where have you traveled to? I mean, you're obviously not from here so you've definitely traveled far. So, why'd you come here?" I had always wondered when and why Harry and his family had come here, especially to Portland of all places, but I had just never remembered to ask when we were together. It was never a prioritized thought.
"Well, we moved here a few months after my dad died. My mum wanted a fresh start, being in the house that our dad was supposed to still be living in made her too sad, and so we were going to just move towns, but then an opportunity with work came into play, and she had the option to move to here, and so she took it." He props himself up so he's sitting with his legs extended out in front of him and is holding himself steady with the palms of his hands pressed into the blanket beneath us.
"That sounds hard. Do you miss it?" I sit up now too, but rather than leaning back on my hands, I cross my legs across each other and rest my hands in my lap, pulling the sleeves of my sweatshirt down now to cover my fingers. The crisp night air is starting to chill, and I might have to reach for that second blanket soon.
"Mmmm, I guess to a point, yeah. I miss my friends for sure. I still talk to a few of them from time to time, but not as much. I'd say I miss when my family was happy, because when we first got here, we were all in the worst head shape. We barely spoke to each other, and when we did, it was mainly arguments. We didn't get on at all. But when mum started working the new job, she met my step dad, and he's really helped her be happy again. He's helped us all be happy again."
"He sounds incredible, like he came into your lives right at the perfect time."
"Yeah, he absolutely did. We were all so sad about dad, and he would distract us from the sad by telling us stories about his own life, taking us out to a bunch of different places. He's actually the one who first brought me to Peninsula Park. And in all of that, he never tried to replace dad. He knew he would never be Finn and I's dad, but he still treated us with the same kindness that he would if were actually his kids, and I think that's what made mum fall in love with him, what made her realizes it was okay to move on."
As Harry speaks, it makes me think about how different our lives have been. We come from such different places, raised in completely different ways, and yet here we both are. Sitting in this field like the past doesn't matter. And at this moment in time, it doesn't. The only thing that seems to matter is what I'm feeling right now, but I'm not quite sure what it is. All I know is that I've never felt this feeling in my belly or my chest before.
"Well, like I said, he sounds incredible. You and your family are really lucky to have someone like that."
"Yea, we really are," Harry sighs out, and cranes his neck back so he's looking up at the sky. "Hey, why don't you come over for dinner some time, you can meet them. Well, not Finn, you've already met him, but mum and my step dad."
Hearing this makes me feel like my heart was just curb stomped and thrown into a dumpster. I start twisting my bracelet on my wrist as I stare at Harry with wide eyes.
"What?" My voice raises a few octaves, sounding out the anxiety I feel, and I really hope he starts laughing soon and tells me he was joking. I don't think I can have dinner with his family. Not yet at least. Just saying a quick hello to them makes me feel sick, but that would be more doable than having a whole dinner with them. Especially when it comes to my eating habits. What if they eat things I don't like? What if I become so nervous that I an't eat anything, or what if I'm having a bad day and can't eat and they question it? What if they don't like me and tell Harry to stay away from me, and he actually does?
"You can say no, or you can say not yet, but my parents want to meet you, and I'd really love to have you over as well."
"Um," I start, but Harry cuts me off.
"Like I said, you can say no for now, no pressure at all. It's up to you completely."
The fact that he's even giving me a choice in the decision settles me greatly. I know he's absolutely nothing like Ryan, but small things like this, like allowing me to have a say in what I do, just further proves how different they are. I really like that. It makes me feel safe, in charge and in control.
Allowing me this choice makes my decision that much easier, so I say, "Okay, I'll think about it." And the smile that turns up on Harry's face is brighter than the stars illuminating the night sky.
"Wonderful," he breathes out, absolutely elated, and with that, lays back down and pulls me with him, and we fall into yet another comfortable silence.
Minutes pass by, and the silence between us is broken with the sound of my alarm blaring through my phone's speaker. I quickly sit up and shut the alarm off, having forgotten I even set it, and not realizing how late it had got.
"Everything alright?" Harry asks and slowly sits up beside me.
"Yeah, all good, it's just getting late and I'm gonna have to go soon," and I set my phone back down.
A smirk starts to appear, and small chuckles begin to escape Harry's lips. He just sits and stares, smirking and chuckling.
"What?" I ask very hesitantly, squinting my eyes at him like it'll allow me to read his mind, decode his thoughts, figure out what he's making that face for.
"If we get going now, you can drive my car around the lot for a few minutes before we really have to go," he says after leaving me waiting in anticipation for a few more seconds. But I immediately shut that down.
"No. Absolutely not. I'm not risking crashing your car." I fold my arms across my chest and shake my head, hoping he'll leave it alone at this point.
The smirk drops from his lips and his entire face relaxes. "Macey. Seriously, look around the lot. Do you see any other cars? Do you see any buildings or posts? No. So tell me, please, what on earth would you be crashing into?"
I purse my lips together and take a look around the lot, and he's right. There's literally nothing around here that I could crash into. The worst I could probably do is drive off the lot and into the grass, and then I actually could crash into one of the structures at the small park.
I just stay looking at Harry, he and I both knowing he's right, and roll my lips into my mouth.
"C'mon, just sit in the driver's seat and get used to being behind the wheel. You don't have to drive, I'll just tell you what all the buttons do and how everything works. It'll be fine."
I mean, I suppose I could do that. That seems relatively tame. And plus, I won't have to sit there that long anyways since I have to go soon.
"Yeah, I can do that." I agree and nod my head, uncrossing my arms.
"Wait, really?" Harry asks, and now his voice is the one that raises in octaves. He sounds quite shocked that I agreed, which I suppose makes sense with how intently I said no when he asked before.
"Sure, it's just sitting behind the wheel, how bad can it really be?" Hopefully not bad at all, is what I'm thinking.
Harry just hums, and stands up, extending his hand down to me where I take it and hoist myself off the ground with his help. He grabs one blanket, and I grab the other and we both fold them up and begin to walk back towards the car. Unlocking it, Harry grabs the blanket from my hand and tosses both of them into the trunk, and then hands me the keys, walking to the driver's side with me.
He opens the door and waits until I'm sitting comfortably in the seat before closing it and walking around to the passenger side, climbing in himself.
"Right then," He rubs his hands together and shifts his body so it's more so facing me than the front. "You're gonna turn the car on, just stick the key into the ignition and twist it until you hear the engine turning."
"Easy enough," I say, and do exactly as I'm told. The engine starts up and I look to Harry for my next instruction.
"Good, now, I'll just tell you what everything does, yeah?" I nod my head as an indication for him to continue. And he goes on to tell me where the headlights are, the turning signals, windshield wipers, hazards, the emergency brake, and what all the letters on the gear shift mean, which is all pretty self explanatory, and I probably could have guessed, but he tells me anyways.
"So, all you have to do to drive is switch the gear from park to drive, release the emergency brake, and press on the acceleration. And to slow down and stop, you press on the brake. Simple."
"That's it? It doesn't really sound as complicated as I thought." I don't know why I thought this would be a lot harder than it sounds. I guess I always just figured since I was a walking disaster, that I'd be a driving disaster as well.
"Yeah, I told you, it's not hard. You're gonna be great whenever you decide you're ready to try," he says with a soft smile.
"Thanks Harry. Maybe next time though, when it's light out." I think I'd feel more comfortable driving for the first time when it's day time so that I have better visibility and the chance of crashing is even lower.
"Fair enough," He agrees. "Maybe next time." And with that, we both open the car doors, and Harry waits at the passenger side for me to get in so he can close it behind me.
"Always such a gentleman," I joke. Though it is true.
"For you? Yeah, always." And I can feel the heat travel up my neck and to my cheeks. I'm just glad Harry had shut the door and left me in here for a second before he could notice my blush.
The drive home is relatively quiet, soft music playing quietly from the radio. Harry didn't bother connecting his phone to the speaker considering the drive was only going to be a few short minutes.
At some point during the drive, Harry had reached over and placed his hand on top of mine, which was resting on top of my thigh, and was rubbing small circles over the top of it with his thumb and I couldn't find it in myself to mind at all. In fact, I wish the drive back to the home was longer so he could keep his hand on mine for longer.
But, unfortunately, we had pulled up outside, and Harry put his car in park, removing his hand from mine, and I felt just a little bit colder with the absence of his touch.
He got out of the car to open my door, just like always, and walked me up to the front door. We stop when we were at the bottom of the step, and Harry looks down at me, and I up at him.
"I'll see you soon, bee." He says and licks his lips and pinches his eyebrows together creating a slight crease between them, looking like he's getting lost in thought. I watch as his eyes dart all over my face, pausing for a brief moment on my lips, before looking back at my eyes.
"See you soon, Harry," I nod back at him.
We stand there for a few seconds longer, and Harry takes a small step closer to me and lifts his hand up toward my face, but a movement from the window next to the door has me snapping my head in that direction.
Harry steps back and clears his throat, shoving his hands into his jean pockets. "Bye Mace," is all he says before turning on his heel and making his way back to his car.
I shake my head, getting a weird feeling in my gut, and head inside where I'm immediately met with Louis on the other side of the door.
"Why'd you look at the window!?" Louis whisper shouts before I could even shut the door behind me. I see Harry's car pull away from the curb and then turn back around to question Louis.
"What?" I feel my face contort into what I can imagine would be a confused expression.
"Why did you just look at the window?! Harry was about to kiss you!" Louis shakes his head and throws his hand out in the air making wild gestures.
"Huh? No he was not," I say back.
Was he?
No, definitely not.
Right?
"Oh, my god," Louis sighs and closes his eyes while rubbing his temples, like he's trying to soothe a headache. He then drops his arms to his side and gives me a flat look. "He absolutely was just about to kiss you Mace."
"Wait, why were you even looking at us through the window, huh? Creep."
"Hey, I'm not a creep," he defends, putting his hands on his hips. "I just happened to be in the kitchen when I saw the headlights, so I finished making my tea and then looked out the window and stop avoiding the topic. He was about to kiss you. Would you have let him?"
"Wh- I- I don't know. He didn't even try to kiss me. I think I would know if he tried to kiss me," I stumble over my words, suddenly feeling a lot of pressure, like I'm in an interrogation room.
"Okay Macey," Louis sighs and walks past me towards the stairs. "Goodnight!" He sings out, and disappears down the hallway. I hear his footsteps go up the stairs and I'm left by myself at the door thinking if he really was just about to kiss me. And thinking about Louis' question.
Would I have let him?
Was he about to kiss me? Maybe, maybe he was. Did I even want him to kiss me?
The word bouncing around my brain is terrifying. It's so scary to admit out loud, so I won't, yet.
But I realized very quickly that the answer is yes.
In that moment, I wanted Harry to kiss me. And now I wish that he did.
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Thank you for reading! I love you all forever
erin <3