the first day.
___
PAXTON BRIDGER loved being alive. Not physically but mentally. She loved the adrenaline rush from tall rollercoasters, the way haunted houses would send her into a thrill, she loved fast car rides and the wind in her hair. It was the butterflies in her stomach that made her feel alive, a sign that something important is happening. She hasn't felt excitement in what feels like an eternity. Suddenly, she couldn't remember a time in her life where she felt alive. She almost believes she had been faking it the entire time.
Had she been lying to herself? Were those times only a dream? It had become easy for her to overlook the good times in her life when there had been so many bad times. It didn't mean she wasn't grateful for the happy memories she could remember, they were just overshadowed. For her, when things were good, it meant something bad was lurking around the corner.
It was hard for her to find anything good in these past two weeks. It didn't worry her but it did scare her. She became comfortable to live with the gray cloud looming over her. How long would it last before the cloud starts to storm? Or, what if the cloud disappears? Would that mean that the sun would shine once again? If the sun shines bright, it would only invite in another cloudy day.
Her mind had been constant anxious thoughts for the last two weeks. If she were more honest with herself, she would know that they had been swirling around in her head for much longer that those weeks.
But she couldn't think of that today.
Today, she has to go to school. She had been dreading the day for a while now. If it were up to her she wouldn't go back, she would simply lie in bed for the rest of her life. She knows she has to dig herself out of the hole she has created for herself but she doesn't know how. It was as if it were crashing down on her, weighing her down.
"We don't have to go today, you know that, right?" Charlie asks her as the two sit in the parking lot of the school. She pushes her head up from where she's laying in the passenger seat, sharing a knowing look with her brother.
They both knew it was too late to turn around but they both contemplated it.
She leans her seat up from its reclined position, "I have a yearbook meeting today. Plus, you have lacrosse," she reminds him in an attempt to be positive about them tending to their responsibilities.
"They won't even notice I'm gone," he shrugs, a charming smile rising on his face.
"You're captain," she rolls her eyes as she reaches into the backseat to grab her bag.
Once she has it in her lap, he does the same. "Co-captain," now he's the one reminding her of things.
"Jackson Whittemore is not competent enough to be in charge of a bunch of smelly, teenage boys."
"Well, he's rich and his dad backs the team, so," he says defeatedly.
Charlie knows she's right and he hates that it's true. If it were his decision, he would lead the team. He didn't blame his coach, though. It wasn't his fault that Jackson's parents were loaded. He had to learn that Jackson was able to go far in lacrosse due to his financial status from a young age, both boys had grown up together playing the sport together.
Paxton didn't argue with him as much as she wants to. She knows her brother deserves the spot but she didn't want to rub it in more that he didn't have it.
She notices a group of guys standing outside the driver's side. She knew all of them, most of which she had spent the last year partying with. They're on the lacrosse team, all of them friends with her brother. "Speaking of," she points his attention to the group as they scatter into a circle, all of them talking to one another. Both of them land their eyes on Jackson at the core of the group. Charlie turns back to her with an irritated expression, not ready for the flock of people to bombard him.
A tight-lipped smile forms across her face, uncommunicative about how they're both dreading this day. "Time to face reality," she gloomily remarks, zipping her bag up and hovering a hand over the door handle.
Charlie was the first out of the car. Everyone waiting for him were quick to start a conversation with him. Paxton could overhear it from her spot in his car. She couldn't dare to get out of the car yet. Her mind was swirling with the nervous thoughts that she tried to push away. She couldn't prepare herself for the amount of questions she would get about how she's doing. It was bound to happen, she knew that. Everyone in this city knows about her father passing. She wasn't ready to be reminded of it.
Every so often, Charlie would peak behind him, to check on his sister while he continued his conversations. He wanted to be there for her but he couldn't get away from his friends. He didn't necessarily want to. It wasn't that his father's passing doesn't affect him, it just affects him differently than her. He didn't understand that. So, he would check on her from the distance, balancing between his home life and his popularity. The balance tends to fall more to the latter.
Paxton would meet his eyes, wondering how he could be so perfect. Secretly wishing she could continue on like normal, like nothing ever happened. She wishes she had more of his qualities.
The bell rings and crowds of students begin heading into the school. Charlie signals to her to get out but she shakes her head. He waves her to him once again but she doesn't budge. Groups of peers rush pass him, blocking their view of each other. She sucks in a deep breath, hoping it will give her the strength to leave the vehicle. When the space between them is open again, she watches as Jackson puts an arm around Charlie, pulling him away from their spot on the sidewalk. Her eyes never leave him, not even when he walks up to the doors of the building. For the last time, he turns his head to her.
The last bell rings, the parking lot is empty. Paxton had gotten out far enough to sit on a bench just outside of the school doors.
"I'm pathetic," she says aloud, not worried about anyone hearing her. There was no one around to hear her self-deprecation.
Or, so she thought.
"Is it your first day too?"
Paxton moves her glare away from the sidewalk. Her eyes soften as she looks up to a cheery, brunette in front of her. She had long hair and a fresh face. The first smile Paxton had seen in a while. "Something like that," she responded, "sorry, I thought everyone had already gone inside," her voice goes quiet, embarrassed that the stranger had heard her.
"Oh," the girl says, thinking Paxton didn't want her around. She pushes it away, feeling as if she needs to talk to the girl sitting in front of her. "I was actually just giving myself a pep talk but then I started to think about how horrible it is to go in here alone," she purses her lips, empathetic with how Paxton probably feels. "My pep talk ended pretty fast after that," she tells her with a small laugh.
Paxton appreciates the girl in front of her, recognizing her attempt to cheer her up. It made her feel less alone. "I'm Paxton."
"Allison," she tilts her head, smiling to herself that she has already made a friend. "Well, we can go in together. Maybe it won't be as bad."
Despite the cautionary alarms going off in her head, Paxton stands from her seat. She didn't understand why she's quick to trust the stranger. But it was just that. Allison was a stranger, she has no idea about Paxton. She wouldn't have a million empty sympathies for her. It was a refreshing breath of air.
The two navigate the school together, neither of them had come to get their schedules before school started back. Allison was busy moving into her new home and Paxton was busy not leaving her own. It gave them the chance to realize they share a few classes, included the first one of the day. The walk to the room gave them time to talk. Well, it gave Allison time to talk and Paxton to listen. She didn't mind not talking, in fact, she loved it. She had always been a shy person but the circumstances were different, she didn't want to ruin Allison's perception of her. She knew it wouldn't be long before Allison finds out, she just wants to keep the illusion alive for a while longer before the pity sets in.
As they reach the classroom door, the both of them pause. Neither ready to go in, knowing that they were late and that every one would have their attention on them. "Maybe, they'll think we were fashionably late," Allison speaks up, basically reading Paxton's mind.
Allison can tell there is more to Paxton's story, she just didn't want to push it. She's hopeful that Paxton could be her first friend in this city. She had moved around a lot growing up, making it hard to keep friends for long. Her parent's had promised her that this would be the last time they moved. Allison was hesitant on believing them but she remained optimistic. "Are you ready?" she asks the blonde beside her.
Her question was soft, not rushing Paxton at all. She's simply asking her how she is. Paxton nods, answering her new friend. Much to her surprise, a pit didn't form in her stomach as Allison reached for the handle. She expected to not truly be ready, to just lie for the sake of not dragging it out. But, she was ready, thirty minutes late but ready nonetheless.
The teacher stopped speaking once the two girls entered. The entire room is silent, only the ticking of the clock could be heard. Jumping to his feet from sitting on his desk, the teacher is quick to welcome them in. He goes through a few papers to confirm they're in his class. It only gave Paxton time to focus on the whispering classmates around her. She looks to her feet, attempting to take her attention away from them. It didn't help, it only made them louder for her. The clock grows louder along with the whispering. The teacher shuffles through his papers loudly as well. Every thing around her sets off her senses.
"Ah, okay. You two can find a seat," he looks around the class. "Everyone, this is Allison. Do your best to make her feel welcomed," he introduces her before turning to Paxton. He steps closer to her, "I'm glad to see you, Ms. Bridger. I know the past few weeks have been hard for you. So, if you need anything for the class, don't be afraid to ask. Though, we know you're one of our more studious students," he discreetly whispers, a handful of students going silent again so they can overhear.
Looking at him with wide eyes, her mouth drops slightly. To her, he had just yelled out to the class that everyone should point at her and laugh. It wasn't like that. Everyone knew why he was talking to her quietly. The whispering picks up again and Paxton realizes Allison is still next to her. She had heard all of it.
"Your father was a great man in this community," the teacher repeats the same words she had heard more times than she could count.
Allison's presence becomes more prominent and Paxton knew this meant the idea that she wouldn't pity her had gone away.
But, Allison doesn't pity her, she doesn't even know her yet.
Paxton politely smiles before he points them to the last available seats. Turning to face the class, she can feel every person staring at her. They follow his direction to the back of the class and the two find their seats. Grateful that they're sat next to each other.
When she sees who's sitting in the desk in front of her, she starts to wish she had taken Charlie's offer on skipping today.
Sitting in front of her is Stiles Stilinski. It feels as if the world was closing in on her. The two hadn't shared a class in little over a year, it had been even longer since they've spoken. Unless you count her father's funeral. It doesn't surprise her that Scott McCall is sitting next to him. With the loss of her in their lives, the two truly never left each other's side.
The boys she had grown up with since the second grade had turned into people she couldn't pick out of the crowd of faces that had been staring at her. She couldn't stand that it became like that but she blames herself.
They study her as she sinks into her seat, Stiles more than Scott. He notices how she lies her head down on the desk, exhausted by the day already. She knew he was staring but didn't dare look.
Scott was too busy gaping at Allison to really focus on the two beside him. She sat behind him and for reasons unknown to Paxton, he handed her a pencil. She assumed the two had been talking and she just didn't hear. She was too busy thinking about how she's already overwhelmed by the day.
The feeling follows her to the next class. Along with the three others sitting beside her.
The two girls walked together to the class. Allison never asked about what the teacher had brought up and Paxton thanked her a million times in her head.
The two didn't have the same luck they did in their first class when it came to sitting together. It's a chemistry class so they would've been able to sit beside each other if it weren't for the fact that all of the tables were filled. Scott and Stiles sat next to each other, of course. Beside them sits a lonely Isaac Lahey. That's where Paxton chose to sit. She knew him already since he's apart of the lacrosse team, though she rarely saw him outside of school unlike others from the team. Closer to the front of the room, Allison takes a seat with Lydia Martin. Another student that Paxton is well aware of.
Lydia had always been the most popular girl at school. She threw the best parties and wore the best clothes. She goes to every lacrosse in support of Jackson. The two had been dating for a long time now. Paxton never understood their dynamic. Jackson could be, for lack of better words, a dimwitted asshole. Whereas Lydia, had always been the smartest of their grade, though she pretends she isn't. That's where Paxton had been confused, she didn't know why Lydia would be with someone who would never appreciate her. Of course, Paxton had never been in love. Not truly. Or, not enough to think it was true.
It's easy to assume that she had been through many relationships. At least, it was what most of the school had thought. They assumed that since she was popular, pretty, and hung out with the "in crowd" that it meant she had dated many people. There were rumors about her, nasty and mean ones. She never knew why people would say those things about her, it had become a part of the reason she stopped spending time with her brother's friends.
The truth was, she longs for a relationship like the movies, songs, and books. It had always been hard for her to let herself get close enough to someone, to be vulnerable. The only people who knew her better than she knew herself were Stiles and Scott. But, they had been out of the picture for so long that she questioned their own knowledge. Stiles, more than Scott. As much as it's hard to admit, she had always been closer with Stiles. It didn't make her love Scott any less, it had always been strictly platonic. She could say the same for Stiles.
The teacher introduces himself to the class, Mr. Harris. A taller man with dark hair and glasses. Charlie had told her stories about how he loves to "shit" on the students to prepare her for his class. She didn't worry about it much. She barely talks, much less would get into enough trouble for the teacher to pick on her.
He goes over different subjects they would be learning over the course of the semester, Paxton's ears perk up. She had internally made a pact with herself to get through the rest of the semester with good grades, not wanting the loss of her father to affect her. It already has and she knew that, she just won't admit it to herself that she was lost.
She opened a binder, scribbling down as much information as she could. It earned a small laugh from the boy beside her. Looking up to the boy with narrowed eyes, she questions him without speaking. She goes back to her notes but she can't ignore the feeling of being watched. Looking over to Isaac again, he had kept his eyes on her.
Isaac leans in closer to her, careful not to alert the teacher. "If we stay lab partners, can I copy your work?" his eyebrows pull together and smirks, finding the humor in her seriousness.
With that, she closes her notebook. Not to be rude but because she felt stupid. She knew her note taking would only last a day before she gave up, he had just helped her realize it.
"All right, now that we're done with the rubric, I can pair you with your new lab partners," Mr. Harris says as he closes a notebook he had been reading the rubric from. He stands from his seat behind the desk, grabbing a piece of paper before leaning against the front of the desk.
"Okay," he says with a hum, looking over the list of students on the paper.
He demands everyone to gather their things and stand behind their current seats. He starts down the list, randomly pairing people together.
"Looks like we won't be lab partners," she tells Isaac quietly.
He nudges her shoulder slightly, "that's too bad."
The two find each others gaze, Isaac with his ice-blue eyes softening and Paxton's glaring at him, warning him. She couldn't help the smile growing on her face. She looks down to the floor, watching her bag as it sways with her shifting feet. The teacher goes further down the list, pairing Scott and Allison together. Paxton sighs, finding Allison around the room. The two share a frown. It occurs to her that there's a small chance she could be paired with Stiles. She wishes on the chance that it won't happen.
He had been cutting his eyes to her seat ever since he saw her and Allison walk into the room. He even noticed her taking notes on the class. He was glad to see it, to see her not falling behind despite what she had been through. He was proud. And now, standing next to Scott he fidgets with his hands, wishing the teacher would call their names together so she could keep him distracted for the rest of the semester.
Once Isaac left her side, she knew it was only a matter of time before her name was called.
"Bridger, Stilinski. You two can take the table in the second row," the teacher points to the last empty seats.
She sucks in the air around her, not daring to breath. A wave of fresh air had hit him at the same time. She grabs the binder on the table and slings her bag over her shoulder before hesitantly finding her new seat.
Sitting in the row ahead of them is Scott and Allison. Scott discreetly shares a wide-eyed look to Stiles. Stiles shakes his head at the look. The two share their own conversation that they only knew. It was obvious to be about the girl they hadn't spoke to in forever.
The teacher continues on, not paying attention to what he had done. He didn't know that the two new lab partners had unspoken history. Paxton dwells on it for the rest of class, thinking of all the 'what if's'. Too busy in her thoughts, she doesn't see that the boy beside her was doing the same thing.
Mr. Harris pushes himself off the desk, "Alright, now that we're done with that, introduce yourselves with your new partners. Get to know them, write down three facts, and we will do an exercise with them in a few minutes."
Paxton had met Stiles in the second grade. It was in the waiting room of the police station. Unlike her, the boy had never been shy. He marched right up to her and plopped down on the seat beside her. He showed her his favorite toy that he brought to keep him busy while his dad worked. When he saw her on the playground at school the next day, he asked her if she wanted to play hide and seek with his friend, Scott.
Eight years later and they're meeting again.
They both assume they know everything about the other but time had passed and things had changed. They didn't know each other at all, they were strangers once again.
Neither of them spoke, scared of speaking at the same time. Stiles watches her as she stares at the table, her eyes moving over every detail of it. She was avoiding him or rather the conversation. He found a piece of paper to write down his three facts. He didn't have to talk to her to know them. She watched him carefully, hiding the fact that she was reading what he had written down.
"I don't play the piano anymore," she said quietly in the room full of loud students.
He heard her immediately. Erasing it, he looks up to find her stare. "Then, tell me something I don't know."
His words were blunt, not that he truly meant to come off harsh. It just happened to flow that way. She thinks on it, not really finding much. Though, she doesn't truly know herself anymore.
"I didn't pass my driver's test," she shrugs, leaning away from where her hands had been holding her head up. He writes it down and she sighs, "don't write that down, actually. It's embarrassing."
"How— okay then.. what else?" he questions, not really understanding but still erasing it. When she takes a bit longer to come up with a response, he answers for her, "how about that you didn't learn how to ride a bike until you were ten?"
"Hey!" she laughs, before adding,"that was a secret."
She smiles at him, pushing a hand against his shoulder gently. Her hand draws back at the contact as if had shocked her. Her eyes widen slightly before she hides in her own bubble once again.
He ignores her sudden withdrawal, just happy to see her happy. "Okay, okay. I'll just put that you have a brother. It's simple, not too much information, and you can continue on with the whole mystery girl persona."
She smiles, the whites of her teeth peeking through slightly. She rolls her eyes at his words, though she finds his sarcasm funny. "What are you gonna say about me?"
She throws her head up to the ceiling before rolling her focus to the boy. The teacher calls for everyone's attention before she could speak. It killed Stiles to not know so as the teacher tells the first people to say their facts, he insistently bounced his leg against the floor. Once their names are called, Stiles goes first.
"My lab partner is Paxton," his words are dull, not enjoying the fact that he has to speak to the entire class. "Uh, her favorite subject is history, she has a brother," a few guys that knew Charlie starts to yell and talk about him. "And her favorite movie is.. Twilight," he added with a soft smile. It wasn't completely true, sure she liked the movie but he knew it was never her favorite.
Paxton's mouth drops before rising into a smile, looking over to him, knowing that wasn't on his paper. You can overhear Scott laughing at his seat, causing Paxton to laugh at it herself.
"Okay, and you? Paxton," the teacher breaks her daze, causing her face to redden.
She clears her throat, "Stiles is my lab partner, he's.. smart, he broke his arm when he was eleven, and," she pauses despite knowing her next answer, "his favorite artist is Taylor Swift."
He gasps overdramatically to which Scott laughs at quietly, knowing she's right. Paxton smiles to the boy beside her, enjoying the fact that they're even. For a moment, it feels like old times. But the emotions come in waves and she knew that. It would be a matter of time before something bad happens.
The rest of class continues on, each pair of people introducing their partners. The rest of the school day goes by in a blur up until lunch. She hated going to lunch, for a lot of the last semester she had sat either alone or with her brother and his friends. She disliked his friends but she didn't have any of her own. It was different today.
Today she had Allison by her side asking where to sit. Before Paxton could answer her, Lydia had come up to them. "What are you guys doing? Come on, Allison you can sit with us," she says, dragging the two girls to the table where Charlie, Jackson and a few other lacrosse players sit.
Paxton wanted to protest but it was too late. Lydia finds a seat next to her boyfriend, Allison beside her. The girl still standing sighs, looking around the table until her eyes find her brothers. They were full of comfort, making it easier for her to breathe. He tells the guy beside him to move, opening up a seat for his sister. Appreciating him, she smiles.
"How've you been?" he asks her, zoning out the obnoxiously loud guys at their table. She shrugs, shoving her water bottle to her mouth to avoid the focus on her feelings. "Okay, well, do you like your classes? Did you have Mr. Harris yet?"
She screws the lid of the bottle back on, "Uh, yeah they're pretty good. I had him, he didn't seem that bad."
"Just wait," he warns her, pretending to look afraid. The two laugh for a second before he speaks up again, "who's that, is she in your classes?" he asks, his gaze pointing to Allison on the opposite end of the table.
"Allison Argent, she just moved here. We have a few classes together," she responds quietly, the conversations around them drowning her voice out.
"Hey," he nudges her shoulder, "I'm glad you've made a friend," he smiles to her. "Now, you can leave mine alone," he jokes, hoping to make her laugh. When she does, he couldn't be more happy. He had been worried about her all day. He knew she had been taking their father's death harder than he had.
The two stop talking once they overhear Jackson at the end of the table, "you should come watch us practice," he tells the new girl.
Charlie turns his head to the three, "hey, Paxton can show you where we practice at," he tells her before looking back to his sister with a bright smile.
"Yeah, I don't mind," her face heats up from being put on the spot.
Lydia looks between the two, "great, I'll come with," she invites herself. The two girls didn't mind it though. Allison and Lydia share a smile before looking to Paxton. She hides her anxiety with their same smile.
It felt like everything was too good to be true. Like everything was falling into place too perfectly. It sent an alarm through her head, ringing endlessly.
A few tables over, Stiles and Scott sit together. The two had been talking about their classes since they sat down. Enjoying a mouthful of fries, Stiles looks to where Paxton is. Scott notices, turning his head around to the same direction, "how is the new girl already sitting at their table?"
"Uh, because she's hot," Stiles responds, washing down the fries with water, "hot people flock in groups, it's easier to point out who the outcasts are when they do," he shrugs with his eyes still on Paxton.
"Hey, how did it go with you and Paxton earlier?" Scott asks, realizing they hadn't been looking at the same girl.
"Oh, you mean the girl who hasn't spoken more than five sentences to me in the last year? Yeah, it went great," he states sarcastically. "I don't know. I think she needs time, you know?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, at least she remembers your Taylor Swift obsession," Scott tries to reassure him but it only turns into him holding back his laugh. Stiles looks at him emotionlessly, not finding the same humor.
The bell rings and everyone heads off to their next classes. Paxton's classes repeat the same ice breakers until she is completely exhausted of them. Once the last class lets out, she wishes she could magically teleport to her bed but she knew things like that didn't exist. So, she sucks it up and puts on a happy face before making her way to the yearbook room. She had been dreading the meeting all day but it gave her something to do after school and she knew without it, she would go crazy from boredom.
She makes sure to tell Lydia and Allison that she was going to be late to the practice, she kept it short and simple. They said they would keep a seat saved.
She finds a seat in the back of the class room, hoping it hides her from all of the "how are you's". In a desk beside her sits someone she has seen in the club ever since she joined, Matt Daehler. He was quiet and usually kept to himself, traits that Paxton loved to be around when she's this exhausted. It was a small group that worked on the school's yearbook and she could overhear every whisper. She got a bad feeling that every conversation was about her.
The teacher that leads the club walks into class, causing the whispering to stop. She goes on about different projects to work on before the deadline. Paxton was confused, but she quickly remembers she had missed the meeting over winter break.
"Ms. Bridger, you missed the last meeting," the teacher starts, causing all of the attention to go on her. "The deadline for all of the pictures we will need has been announced, February 25th. We will need your shots of the team before then."
She had chosen to take pictures of the lacrosse team since it was beneficial for both her and the yearbook staff. She doesn't miss a single game or practice so it made sense to multitask.
The short meeting finishes up, leaving Paxton to head off to the practice. The entire walk through the school and outside, she couldn't help herself from dissociating. Too deep in her own mind. She didn't want to attend another yearbook meeting, she didn't want to do much anymore. Unless it involved sleeping.
She found Allison and Lydia outside. Sitting with the two girls, she zones out as Lydia explains how lacrosse works to Allison. She wanted to be more involved in their conversation but she couldn't understand why she wasn't.
It goes on like that for the rest of the practice. The two girls talking, Paxton chiming in anytime it had gotten too quiet. She was too focused on telling herself she can get through the semester. That it's only a few more months until summer break.
Her out of body experience only makes her feel guilty for not being talkative.
But once the practice was over, she said goodbye to the girls and wouldn't have to think about the guilt any longer. Charlie found her quickly, knowing it was time to go home. Time for his sister to be alone, just how she likes it. The whole ride home, he plays his music low enough to drown out the silence.
___